Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Next up on Al Gore's Live Earth ego trip is Germany, whose Hamburg gig will, along with the acts listed below, will also feature the gold medal winning figure skater Katarina Witt speaking from the stage and, given that the only people whose careers are more in jeopardy by the impending lack of ice tend to be those whose main focus is in polar bear welfare her support is understandable. Here's who our Teutonic friends will be listening to as they try and assuage their environmental guilt. It does not include Nena, but we're sure they'll rectify that oversight.:-
- Chris Cornell - Of Soundgarden 'fame' and the sort of act who your older brother probably likes. If your older brother is a tone deaf moron who sees listening to music as being an equivalent experience to sticking your entire head into a vibrating bucket of mud for an hour.
- Jan Delay - A hip hop act and not a traffic update.
- Juli - Despite being purveyors of forgettable mid-ranking alternative music, these guys - and girl - are one of Germany's top acts. It's at this point that we'd like to make the lazy, cliched, but still worth mentioning observation that another top act in Germany is David Hasselhoff.
- Katie Melua - Although we know, thanks to Katie's in depth research and definitely not plucking a figure out of mid air, that there are exactly nine million bicycles in Beijing, we have no idea how many there are in Hamburg. What we do know, however, is that every single one of them will be employed to get the cyclist as far away from the venue the minute Katie starts with the yawnsome, pointless, godawful affair that she chooses to call 'performing'.
- Lotto King Karl - We couldn't find a webpage in English about Lotto King Karl, but our limited German knowledge has allowed us to ascertain that he isn't a real King, nor has he won the lottery. He is really called Karl, though.
- Maná - This is Maná:
It's safe to say that they're not exactly a party band. Nor is it likely that they'll be taking over Girls Aloud's role as Sunsilk ambassadors any time in the near future.
- Micheal Mittermeier - Some sort of German comedian, though again our poor grasp of the language makes this difficult to confirm. We can ask for directions to the Town Hall though, something which would be marginally more useful if we could understand the answer. Or, indeed, had any sort of burning desire to visit the town hall.
- Reamonn - When we covered his appearance on the Live 8 line up we made an excellent, if we do say so ourselves, Scooby Doo related joke, which we don't think we can top so we're not even going to bother trying.
- Roger Cicero 'Did' Eurovision, in much the same way as your dog might 'do' the toilet. Imagine an older, yet equally irritating, Ray Quinn and you have Roger.
- Sasha - We're assuming this is the German singer and not the DJ - and not, for that matter, the Bratz character - in which case we feel we should point out that for three years he performed as his alter ego Dick Brave. Feel free to make your own jokes up here.
- Silbermond - Goths. They did Live 8 as well, but we didn't write a very good joke about them. Some things never change.
- Snoop Dogg - And Snoop was also on Live 8. He went on stage at 6.30PM and said more swearwords in the first five minutes than most people manage in a lifetime. We imagine that the Germans have put him in a later slot this time around, if only in the hope that the tiredness will make him a bit less sweary and that having to go on stage in his pyjamas and bunny slippers will calm him down a tad.