Wednesday, July 13, 2005
So, despite not having released anything of note for roughly ten years, and even then doing little of any merit, Oasis are currently in the midst of a sell out tour of the country's enormodomes, going through the motions to an audience who should really be old enough to no better. To celebrate this 'achievement', we proudly present ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the nation's favourite living definition of the phrase "living off past glories":-
- As Liam is now the only member of the original line up still present in the band, going to see Oasis live is a little bit like going to see The New Drifters, David van Day's Bucks Fizz or The Bootleg Beatles.
- When Gem and Andy Bell, former members or Heavy Stereo and Hurricaine #1 respectively, joined Oasis, sceptical scientists were finally convinced that it was possible to go below rock bottom.
- When dining at his local greasy spoon cafe, Noel always orders the soup. He reckons that it's better value 'cause you get a roll with it.
- Music critics looking back on the Britpop wars generally agree that, while Oasis may have lost the battle for the singles crown, and that while Blur may have lost the album wars, the real losers in the whole sorry affair were the record buying public.
- Liam only owns two books. One is Watership Down, because "I fooking love rabbits, me", and the other is a cheap rhyming dictionary with all the pages torn out apart from the one with 'shine' on.
- Noel is desperate to be John Lennon despite the fact that he isn't even close to posessing the talent of the ex-Beatle. And John Lennon, lest we forget, is really shit.
- Liam is famed for his hilarious comments in interviews. He's also famed for his movie star good looks, diction, lack of need to swear to make a point and for having two entirely distinct eyebrows.
- Noel never ever tries to hype up an album he knows is disappointing, formulaic, by the numbers toss, released mainly to prop up another money spinning tour by telling anyone who'll listen that it's "a return to form and our best album ever".
- Any band who names Oasis as an influence can safely be assumed to be shit.
- Don't Look Back in Anger is pretty good, mind.