Thursday, April 06, 2006
Despite being one of the single greatest pop moments released thus far this year, WigWam is not exactly setting the midweeks on fire and may even fail to chart. Clearly this is not a good thing and it's led to us pondering on exactly why the public has failed to take it to their hearts. Clearly it's not the music, which crackles and pulses and does all the sorts of things that good pop should do, which, given that it involves the hairy hand of a Blur member, is quite impressive and may well be the dictionary definition of the phrase 'against all odds', so what could it be? Well, we've studied this long and hard - well, for about five seconds - and we think we've found the answer: The public are confused by the lyrics. Now, given that there's only about a dozen words in the song, and most of those are "Miaow", you'd be forgiven if you think that that is, quite frankly, a ludicrous suggestion, and to be fair, you'd pretty much be right, but bear with us here. The lyric we reckon is causing the public to scratch their heads in consternation is when Betty invites us all to start checking out her WigWam. Given that the pop fan of Native American descent is something of a rarity in the target demographic, it's only natural that people are shying away from this, not knowing what they should be looking for or even where to begin when it comes to the underused skill of wigwam appreciation. To try and rectify this and help it at least vaguely scrape into the top 40, we got Betty - honestly, ahem - to write us a quick 'How To' guide in a bid to educate the public on this lost art.
Betty Boo's Guide to Checking Out a Wigwam
- NEVER confuse a WigWam with a Tee-Pee. Despite some similarities they're two entirely different things. Equally don't confuse it with a Tippi either, she has nothing to do with tented living and was a scottish pop/rock artist who fancied herself as the next Janis Joplin but wasn't even good enough to be the next Amy Studt
- ONLY buy from registered, trustworthy dealers. While most are reputable, there are a number of sharks and con-artists in the world of second hand WigWam sales. Buying from these you're more likely than not to end up with a WigWam which is, in fact, two different WigWam's stiched together into one. This is dangerous as you're likely to find yourself staying in a WigWig or, worse, a WamWam. There really is nothing worse than finding yourself forced to share your new home with two Andrew Ridgelys and two George Michaels.
- DESPITE what some insecure types may tell you, size does matter. First of all circumference is important, you never know quite when the urge to do the do will take you so you need to make sure you've got enough space for that, as well as making sure there are no sharp objects in the way. Also, height is equally important. If you can't stand up to your full height while wearing 5 inch high silvery space boots then you shouldn't even consider it. After all, if you bring someone back to your WigWam and you both have to crouch down, it'll be quite unlikely that you'll find yourself doing the do that evening.
- DON'T think that trying to save money by renting your WigWam on a part-time basis is a good idea. You'll need it 24 hours.
- SOUNDPROOFING is very important, but if you can't afford that then you must pitch your WigWam well away from any residential areas. Your neighbours won't be too impressed when the B is for "Back late from the pub, completely pissed" and the Boo is for "Booming out your record collection as loud as your stereo can take", so you're likely to end up discovering that the A is for "Anti Social Behaviour Order".
- AS indicated above, your WigWam should be relatively isolated, but be careful that the location isn't too close to woods, rivers, wells, disused coal cellars and any other location where a small child might get lost. The last thing you want to be doing is wandering around in the middle of the night shouting "Where are you, baby" at the top of your voice, desperately asking anyone passing if they know where she's gone.
- IF you're looking for slightly more indier advice about WigWams, why not ask Radiohead to help you out. They're always in tents. (In tents/Intense? No? Please yourself).