Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

10 Things We State About... 

Publicity seeker and occasional singer Madonna has once again hit the headlines as she attempts to convince the world that money and celebrity is a more than adequate substitute for standard legal process when it comes to adopting a fashion accessory. Sorry, child. We're currently trying to persuade her to put together a guide on how to adopt a child when your annual earnings are more than the GDP of his or her home country, but she's currently too busy shouting at the nanny and going to pilates classes, just like every other new moth, so until then, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the nation's favourite grandstanding granny:-
  1. Recent single Hung Up was inspired by her experiences phoning around all the major film studios, asking for acting work.
  2. She will shortly be reworking and re-releasing her first hit, Holiday, making it more relevant to the sort of lifestyle she lives today. It'll be called Saga Holiday.
  3. Madonna is a practioner of Kabbalah, a religion whose main tenet is the redistribution of wealth. Specifically from you to them.
  4. She reckons it's entirely feasible to go quicker than a ray of light, proving that whatever else she may have going for her, a sound foundation in the fundamentals of physics isn't one of them.
  5. She snogged Britney Spears at the MTV Music Awards, instantly changing the views of a million straight men who had previously thought that Britney getting involved in some lesbian action would be "hot".
  6. Madonna is so controversial that not only has she appeared live on stage apparently crucified upon the cross, but she's also drawn a picture of what she thought the Prophet Mohammed might look like upon a piece of paper. But she rubbed it out before anyone else could see it, just in case.
  7. Just like Doctor Who, Madonna likes to reinvent herself every few years. She also has two hearts, a sonic screwdriver and mansion that's bigger on the inside than on the outside. It is not yet known whether Russell T Davies plans on giving the Doctor a faux cockney arse of a husband to balance out the similarities.
  8. Madonna has done theme songs for both Austin Powers and James Bond, though wisely the producers refused to let her have a cameo role in either of them, with Mike Myers declaring "I know we're a comedy, but come on! We've got limits."
  9. The Catholic Church's attempt to ride the Madonna bandwagon by offering confessions on a dancefloor came to an abrupt end when it transpired that the only dance the priests knew how to do was the electric boogaloo.
  10. Seriously, love. Put some clothes on.