Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

10 Things We State About... 

And what we've now decided to be a special X Factor themed week - us? Short of ideas? As if! - continues on with the show being given the dubious honour of being this week's subject for our 10 Things... feature, and you can join us later this week as we bring you an actual Worst Records piece on some of the releases from various X Factor finalists. Sometimes this stuff just writes itself. Anyway, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the nation's premier barrel scraping show:-
  1. To represent more the sort of talent which has been discovered by the show in its previous runs, the colour scheme for this year's set will be changed from a striking, powerful and energetic red to a more subdued, uninspired and ultimately dull shade of beige.
  2. Depending on whether you profit for the show or merely have to watch it, the 'X' either stands for 'Excellent' or 'Excrement'
  3. The only thing Louis Walsh considers to be more important than winning the contest is protecting his breakfast cereal from the covetous desires of the other two judges. "They'll never get me Lucky Charms", commented the devious Irishman, as his eyes darted suspiciously around the room and he shielded his bowl from any possible attempts at theft.
  4. Winning The X Factor guarantees the victor a brief period of a success, a year of being a laughing stock, booed and jeered in the streets, before a lifetime of being the answer to a quiz question in the very pub's you're now forced to hawk your trade, the only tangible difference to your life being that you now have the phrase "Television's" hastily added in front of your name.
  5. Many accuse The X Factor of being nothing more than a glorified kareoke contest. This is unfair. At least with kareoke you get to pick your own songs.
  6. One of showbusiness' biggest secrets is that Sharon Osbourne actually left the show after the first series. Since then her role has been played, unbeknownst to the general public, by Grotbags. She has the same desire to win as the other two judges, but her attempts are constantly thwarted by her continual reliance on her inept sidekicks, Croc and Robot Redford, to carry out her sabotage based schemes.
  7. Previous X Factor winners include, ummmm, that bloke, name like a cricketer, you know the one I mean, and... no, it's gone. Sorry.
  8. Given the unlikelihood of a female act ever succeeding or even doing remotely well in the contest, next year's series is going to be renamed the XY Factor.
  9. Simon Cowell is a keen gardener and has lent his name to a popular brand of digging tools known as Cowell's Trowels.
  10. Still, it kills a few hours before the invevitable death which we must all eventually face. Or Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, as it's otherwise known.