9.00: Hello and welcome to our almost live coverage of the MTV VMAs, live from Las Vegas. And tonight's ceremony certainly promises to be a unique experience. If only because this the first time in living memory that MTV has broadcast a programme that actually involves music.
9.02: Opening the show is Britney Spears. Except rather than actually getting Britney they've got a poor quality waxwork which lip synchs about as well as a dog eating toffee.
9.03: She's dressed in a sparkly bikini which serves mainly to make her look like she works at a cheap brothel which is trying to look a bit higher class.
9.04: "I just want some more", she ends. Unlike the rest of the audience who look like they would rather see anything but.
9.05: Host for the evening is Sarah Silverman. No, us neither.
9.06: She appears to be a rubbish stand-up comedian who's trying desperately to be controversial. We thought that Britney was going to be the biggest embarrassment of the night, but it turns out we were wrong.
9.08: It's like watching someone who's read about comedy in a book, didn't really understand it, but liked the idea of it and thought she'd give it a shot anyway.
9.12: Adverts. From this we can surmise that MTV's target audience is thirsty, spotty and doesn't have the brain power to realise that paying £4.50 a week for a ringtone service is the act of only the truly moronic.
9.14: Alesha Keys, who some people may remember from her ridiculously successful yet charmisa free albums is doing some hosting duties. She's equally lacking in the ability to connect with the audience when speaking.
9.15: Kanye West and Justin Timberlake are hosting various parties that are going on at the same time as the award. Quite why they're showing this given that they look a lot more fun and entertaining than what we're having to watch is unclear.
9.16:: Nicole Pussycat Doll and Eve are presenting the Monster Single of the Year award. Our money's on Mothra. Or Mika, who's pretty monstrous.
9.18:: It's Rihanna for Umbrella! And it looks like she's been poured into her dress. Arf?
9.19:: She thanks a lot of people, none of whom we actually care about.
9.20: Kanye is still partying away, with all the joy and enthusiasm of someone who hasn't had to sit through Sarah Silverman's soul sapping attempt at comedy.
9.21: There's a lot of filler in this show, isn't there?
9.22: And a lot of non-entities as well. Who the hell are these people presenting the Quadruple Threat Award.
9.22: This award goes to people who have more than one string to their bow, but given the constant use of 'Clothing Line' as examples, we're not entirely convinced of the veracity of this prize.
9.23: It goes to Justin Timberlake, who takes advantage of the opportunity to challenge MTV to play for videos. He has a point.
9.23: There's a Fall Out Boy party as well, so it's not all goodness outside of the main awards arena.
9.24: They sound even more awful than normal, more like a bunch of enthusiastic yet talentless twelve year old FOB fans - is there any other kind? - rather than the actual band.
9.25: The Foo Fighters are having a party as well. With all this constant cutting and flipping between various things, we're beginning to understand what it must be like to have ADHD.
9.27: The award for Earth Shattering Collaboration is being presented by 50 Cent and someone we don't recognise, but is apparently an earth shattering collaboration itself, according to the announcer anyway, and we're sure she wouldn't lie to us. They stared at each other for a bit, that was it. The earth doesn't feel particularly shattered from our point of view.
9.28: It goes to Beyonce and Shakira for Beautiful Lie, a song whihc only sounds good in its remixed form.
9.29: Shakira's not there, but Beyonce thanks her for doing the song with her. She'd been waiting for that day, apparently, which seems unlikely.
9.30: Mark Ronson is the house band for the night, so far he's had Akon and Maroon 5 Blokey singing with him. Working with even Lily Allen must seem like a more glittering and fulfilling experience in comparison.
9.32: More adverts. Jamster seems to consider the prospect of having the full version of Sean Kingston's Beautiful Girls on your mobile as an enticement, rather than another one of the many good reasons to avoid the service like the plague.
9.35: Justin's party features a lot of gyrating girls and not much else. Who says feminism is dead?
9.37: Chris Brown. He appears to be auditioning for a role in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
9.38: More miming. The dance routine involves a lot of leaping between tables, this is presumably supposed to look edgy, but more has the air of a hyperactive child who's had too much cake at his birthday party.
9.40: And here's Rihanna, who spent so long getting the seams on her tights straight that she didn't have time to actually put her skirt on.
9.41: And now Chris is aping Michael Jackson's Billie Jean moves. Does no-one have an original idea any more? Even Jackson himself wouldn't do those moves, if only because he's worried parts of his body would fall off.
9.43:: And yes we are aware of the irony of moaning about unoriginality while doing Michael Jackson plastic surgery jokes, thank you very much.
9.44:: "The most talked about women on TV, the stars of The Hills". We've never heard of the Hills, let alone talked about it.
9.45: Best Male, although they never indicate exactly how they demonstrate their masculinity. Do they put up shelves really quickly, or have to talk in the lowest register possible?
9.45: As the winner is Justin Timberlake, clearly not.
9.46: Justin is worried about getting older. His aging is evident in the fact that he's almost ready to start shaving. Bless.
9.47: The camera follows him backstage for no apparent reason and we go back to the Foo Fighters party, for equally unapparent reasons. Cee-Lo is now singing with them though.
9.48: Fiddy is now singing at Justin's party, to which Justin has now returned and is further cementing the view that he's getting older by dancing like your dad.
9.50: It's the bloke from Transformers! It'd be better if it was Optimus Prime though. He apprently reveals the title of the new Indiana Jones movie. No-one particularly cares.
9.51: Best female. Again, is this decided by giving the prize to someone who can demonstrate that they are the ultimate in femininity?
9.52: It goes to Fergie, so again, clearly not.
9.52: Ludacris is supposed to be picking up her award as she's not here, but no-one seems to have told him and he stays rooted to his seat. We can understand his reluctance to be associated with the Big Girls singer. Although people standing up when Fergie is mentioned is not an unusual occurrence. Although this is normally so they can scan the room, looking for exits.
9.55: Adverts. We're eating cookies.
9.57: Pamela Anderson. She's being wolf whistled at by Tommy Lee. This is presumably before he got into the fight.
9.58: Back to Kanye's party, and what is with those glasses he insists on wearing these days. It makes him look like the hip-hop Timmy Mallet.
10.01: More from the Fall Out Boy party, apparently the worst place in the world to be. It's not so much a party, more a recruiting video for the War Against Emo.
10.02: And now it's the girl from Transformers! Where's Megatron?
10.03: "Warning: This performance contains flashing images which may trigger photosensitive seizures." We wish we had epilepsy, it'd give us an excuse to switch off.
10.04: Linkin Park. Whose new single's chorus is annoying catchy, but we refuse to actually like it on a point of principle. They are Linkin Park, after all.
10.06: Chester is remarkably enthusiastic for a man who is not only in Linkin Park, but whose job description simply reads "Shouting".
10.07: Some people from Entourage are presenting the award for Best Group. They reference groupies, apparently under the impression that they're in Almost Famous.
10.08: The list of nominations for Best Group is the most soul destroying we've seen in a long time. Gym Class Heroes!?
10.09: The prize goes to Fall Out Boy, which at least has the benefit of stopping them playing at their party for a bit.
10.09: They dedicate to all the real fans of music, who they describe as "the kids picking up guitars". The cocks.
10.14: More ads. We've moved on from cookies to eating Frosties straight out the packet. We are nothing if not classy.
10.15: Rihanna has now put a dress on. Unfortunately she spoils this by performing with Fall Out Boy. Their's is not an umbrella you want to be under.
10.16: Wow, Nelly is still around. He's introducing Alicia Keys, with far more enthusiasm than you'd expect from someone who has, to all intents and purposes, just announced a toilet break for the entire auditorium.
10.21: She segues into a cover of George Michael's Freedom, demonstrating that even a upbeat song becomes soporific in her hands.
10.22: Kanye's still performing. Although for all we know he stops the minute the camera's off of him.
10.23: And just when you thought it couldn't get worse at the FOB party, they've now been joined by Gym Class Heroes. See, two wrongs don't make a right.
10.23: Jamie Foxx wants us to make some noise. He also wants to know who won the Kid Rock/Tommy Lee fight, but did anyone really win in such an ugly situation. Apart from the MTV PR department, that is.
10.24: And the Best New Artist is... Gym Class Heroes? We'd even be dubious about using the word 'New' to describe them, let alone the other two words in that title.
10.27: Fiddy is partying like it's his birthday. Again.
10.28: Mark's still up on his podium, but he's cut short for Mary J Blige, who seems to command a remarkable amount of respect for someone of such dullness.
10.29: She's introducing Dre. Fortunately the organisers remembered to put him on the bill this time around. Last year they forgot about Dre. Arf!
10.30: Dre is wearing a blue jumper and sweat pants. You'd think he'd have got a bit dressed up, this is on telly after all.
10.31: He's announcing the award for best video, we don't think you need us to point out the irony of MTV having this award. It goes to Rihanna, who's back in her pink part dress/part scaffolding outfit.
10.33: P Diddy is worryied about the problem of rock 'n' roll violence. We're more worried about P Diddy to be honest.
10.36: Even more ads. Although as this is the best chance to see music on MTV, albeit in snippets, we probably shouldn't complain.
10.39: "The biggest performance of the night", it's Timbaland, Timberlake and, umm, Timbertardo.
10.41: It probably is the best performance of the night. But bearing in mind what's gone before, this doesn't necessamean it's actually any good.
10.42: Although once we get onto The Way I Are it all improves dramatically, which is often the case in real life as well.
10.44: And here's Justin, flirting with the audience and doing the jumpy footwork thing which has seen him acclaimed as a great dancer, rather than someone who suffers from restless legs syndrome as is clearly the case.
10.45: He's doing something with hankies, so if this pop lark dries up for him then he'll be able to work as a children's entertainer, which is something at least.
10.46: Nelly Furtardo songs are always a lot better on record than in the flesh, mainly because you don't see how awkward and uncomfortable she looks with her new, focus group enforced image.
10.47: And, umm, that appears to be it. That really was the big finish. Even the Brits manages to have more of a climax than this. Hell, even the TV Quick awards end with a better sense of closure.
10.48: And what have we learnt? As usual nothing that we couldn't have gleaned by watching the highlights on YouTube instead. Oh well.

Labels: Awards, Live, MTV, VMA