Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Friday, September 08, 2006

Fashion, Don't You Know 

The Scissor Sisters have a new single, I Don't Feel Like Dancing out this week, which we not only love more than we love our cat, we love it more than something we actually love and don't just consider to be a furry noise making machine. Now, perhaps you feel that you're not getting quite enough abuse and catcalls from the teenage hoodies in your area as you walk down the street. If that's the case then you've no doubt been considering going out and about your daily business while dressed in a similar fashion to that oh so sartorially unique band, but haven't quite known how to go about it. Well fear not, dear reader! Here's Ana Matronic, with more than a little help from Laura, our Fashion Correspondent, to tell you exactly how to pull off their look:-

Ana Matronic's guide to Getting It Completely Wrong


HELLO ALL! It's me, Ana Matronic, your favourite Scissor Sister here today to tell you all how to create that just-escaped-from-the-circus look with just a couple of sacks, some buttons and a big vat of neon paint!

Now, I know I've had a fair bit of criticism in the past about my role in the band and what it is that I actually, y'know, do. I don't sing, and if you've caught any of our promotional appearances on TV recently, you'll notice that I haven't quite got the hang of the whole banging the tambourine thing in time either. Well. This is because I am, in fact, the band's fashion guru. Yes, that's right, in between frizzing my hair up more than anyone thought was possible and talking in my overly ridiculous voice, I'm locked in the back room with a sewing machine, some gaudy rags and a whole host of glittery accessories, stolen from a child's dressing up box! Some people might say that Jake only locks me in there because he doesn't want me to actually take part when they record their new songs, but I think he's just jealous really of my wonderful ability to talk over a record at random times about nothing in particular.

Anyway, when we started promoting this single, we decided to try and contrast the mood that the song sets or something. Irony I think it's called. As the song's about not wanting to dance, and as we are a band of HOMOSEXUALS, the title is already ironic already because as, every good Daily Mail reader knows, The Gays' favourite hobbies are dancing, having good fashion sense, and passing around Aids. Which is a laugh a minute in itself, but the single says NO NO NO to all of these things. Which meant that it was time to create a fashion masterpiece.

For myself, I simply got seven large sacks and tie-dyed them. Simple, yet effective! I had some left over, so I simply threw that in Babydaddy's direction, and told him to hover behind me because I didn't have quite enough material to make a whole outfit. Jake was easy; as he is practically female, I decided to drop round Jessica Simpson's house one night as she has a very similar build to Jake (as well as the SAME INITIALS) and nicked a couple of items of clothing. If you watch Newlyweds carefully, you'll see Jake's outfit in a couple of scenes. Kids, don't listen to adults when they tell you stealing is wrong, it's totally hot this season.

Del Marquis was easy to do. I came across an old jumpsuit from a recent Madonna themed party we had, and I just cut the arms and neck off. Add a couple of buttons, and voila! You have the unsexiest pair of trousers since Tom Jones' leather ones. I can't let my sex appeal be overpowered by Marquis you realise.

As for the other one, I just threw a few pots of paint at him, and let him wear a dinner jacket. Easy!

Obviously, though, the effect isn't complete until the picture has been passed through Photoshop and had its saturation levels increased by about 93 billion levels - and the airbrush has fixed a few bits - then, my friends, you have a piece of art.

Peace out.
Ana xoxo