Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Monday, September 04, 2006

Music Week 

It's Monday! And, having spent pretty much every night of the last month out and about, spending money that, to be perfectly honest, we don't actually have, we're going to be spending the next week doing bugger all and wondering exactly which of our possessions we can either pawn or exchange for food. Dull though our plans might be, Pop stars are likely to be having a bit more of an exciting time of it, what with their days being filled with glitter, gorgeous people and Gouda cheese. And possibly gonorrhea. To prove this each week we're going to take a look at what various pop types have lined up for the week. First up, Robbie Williams, whose 'interesting' new single Rudebox is out today.

The new record is out today so Rob will be naturally want to commemorate and celebrate this occasion. After all, he only releases half a dozen records to minimal interest as a loss leading advertisement for his overpriced tours each year so it's a very special occasion. Being thoroughly straight in every conceivable way Robbie will be celebrating by going down to the not at all sad, sleazy and pathetic nightclub Stringfellows, where he will spend a good few hours definitely not being gay, before going home by himself, feeling strangely morose and unfulfilled.

Still feeling a bit depressed, Robbie decides to cheer himself up by re-watching the inspiration for his latest single, the movie Ali G In Da House, in which the one dimensional character somehow manages to find himself as an elected politician. After bemoaning the fact that Ali possesses far more depth than he himself ever will, Robbie turns to the further reaches of his DVD collection in a bid to find inspiration for another single. By the time evening comes, a concept album about a creature who is part finger, part mouse, and who can play any instrument at the drop of a hat, as long as he has a slightly odd looking fellow jamming their finger up his arse. As he falls asleep his busy mind is already planning some plausible, yet cheeky, denials for when he gets asked if the album is in anyway autobiographical.

After last night's creative highpoint, Robbie will wake up on a high, feeling full of positivity about what the world may have to offer him. Then his manager phones him up with the midweeks and depression sinks in once again. He retires to bed for the afternoon, though not before phoning up the 3AM girls and making sure they have the full story of his self loathing and misery and how it's just so hard being him as an exclusive in tomorrow's Mirror. And then he phones up Victoria Newton at the Sun so that she has the exclusive as well. And then the Liverpool Echo, just in case it's a slow news day there too.

Robbie rushes out of bed to find out what's been written about him in the papers, then swiftly gets on the phone to the gossip columnists at the Star to complain that he can't say anything without it being quoted in the newspapers. He then turns his attention to the Sudoku, which lasts him for a good hour, 27 minutes of which is spent in blissful ignorance of the fact he has two 9's in the same row.

Evening time and things improve for Rob, as he has his maths evening class. Robbie has really been getting into the world of figures and equations recently, and finds trigonometry to be a favoured pastime these days, in preference to some of the things he used to be into. He's loving angles instead.

Showtime! Robbie's on stage tonight in Leeds and this truly is his chance to shine. There's nothing he loves better than standing on stage, watching as some burly men slot things firmly into place and help erect his showpiece, in preparation for him getting all hot and sweaty when he later performs with gay abandon. The audience, out for their one gig a year, are loved by Robbie just as much as they love him. He probably loves them more, in fact, as they're a bit more fickle and don't need to rely, as he does, on the object of their affection's continued cloth-earedness in order to pay their wages.

Showtime! Again! And it's another performance in Leeds for our Rob. Not that by watching the affair you'd be able to tell the difference as, being the spontaneous, exciting, entertaining showman that he is, aside from a "Hello... Insert name of venue here" at the start of the performance, every single night of the show is identical. This is entirely because Robbie wants to give the very best show he can and so has proven, with the help of top entertainment scientists, that the show he puts out every night is the best that can be offered to the public and to deviate from it in any way, shape or form would be tantamount to cutting off the heads of bunny rabbits live on stage and expecting the audience to enjoy themselves. After leaving the stage Robbie goes for a quick massage to relax. His masseur is from the Nordic lands and, not only is he an expert at relieving tension, he's also a hugely talented chef, and Robbie often enjoys munching down on his Swedish sausage after a gig.

And the main event today for Robbie is not just seeing if there's an entirely believable and in no way made up kiss and tell story about him in the low rent end of the Sunday tabloids, but finding out exactly what position Rudebox got to in the charts. Fortunately for him this should be done and dusted roughly 5 minutes into the chart rundown, leaving with a full evening and a large chunk of the afternoon to weep softly to himself and work out exactly what he's going to do next, before eventually deciding to make hinself feel better by going swimming in his big pool of money, just like Scrooge McDuck.