Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Monday, November 20, 2006

Music Week 

So! Both Oasis and U2 have a greatest hits album hitting the stores today and, in a bid to stir up interest in what is little more than a competition to see which brand of beige and unexciting guitar music is slightly more popular, some people are making mutterings about there being a chart battle between the two bands, but given that this is those people's job we can't really judge them too harshly. That is for history to decide. But, as you should know by now, here at TiaPL we're never shy to jump onto a PR organised campaign if it saves us coming up with an original idea, so we're going to be focussing firmly on both those bands this week and treating with the sort of respect and appreciation you've come to expect from us by now. First up, Oasis are probably starting this fight in a weaker position, so they're going to have a busy week of promotion ahead of them, but what exactly will the brothers Gallagher be getting up to? Let's find out, shall we?

To mark the release of Stop the Clocks, their rather poorly titled best of collection, Noel will, in conjunction with Uri Geller, be travelling the country attempting to cause some of the nation's most famous timepieces to stop via the medium of willpower and Uri's strange and entirely genuine psychic abilities alone. This will come to an abrupt end When Noel is arrested under the Prevention of Terrorism Act after he is caught inside Big Ben, attempting to jam the mechanism while swearing profusely. Liam will spend a large part of today swinging from his tyre, before pleasing the watching crowds by taking a banana from his keeper and peeling it with his feet.

Undeterred by his treatment at the hands of the Metropolitan police, Noel continues on with his plan to represent all of his song titles in physical terms by travelling to China to wonder at the wall that can famously be found there. "Fuck me, that's a big wall", he tells the assembled media, before buggering off back to Manchester. Liam spends today stomping moodily about his cage, his knuckles dragging along the floor, before sitting down, back against a rock and masterbating openly in front of school party from Crewe.

Today Noel visits a small Welsh town which he wanders around for a couple of hours, staring straight ahead and never once turning around or looking over his shoulder. His satisfaction at a job well done swiftly turns to anger and upset, however, when an aide belatedly points out that the title of the song is Don't Look Back in Anger and not, alas, Bangor. He did have a lovely time, though. Liam throws a tea party today, and delights the crowd when he throws the teapot away bad-temperedly before wearing the sugarbowl as a make-shift hat.

In a bid to Live Forever, Noel attempts to discover what many have searched for, only to be driven mad by the attempt; the elixir of youth and the secret of eternal life. Alas, despite a search that started early in the afternoon, carried on through the evening and well into the early hours of Friday morning, he failed to achieve his goal. It seems that, despite his hypothesis before the start of the experiment, immortality cannot be reached by drinking copious amounts of premium lager, interspersed by smoking inumerable Benson & Hedges fags. But at least he's managed to cross Cigarettes and Alcohol off the list now as well. Liam blots his copybook today by flinging his faeces at both his keeper and a visiting local dignitary.

Noel's initial plan to spend today representing Acquiese was abandonded after he couldn't find a dictionary - other than a cheap rhyming one with all the pages other than the -ine one ripped out - to tell him what it meant, so instead sits around the house, doing nothing and not foisting any more half arsed new Oasis material onto the world, thus demonstrating The Importance of being Idle. Liam is allowed out of his cage today to make an advert for tea, but feels the nappy he is forced to wear undermines his creative integrity.