Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Friday, January 28, 2005

Thoughts of the Pops 

It's Friday! Given our somewhat lazy attitude with the concept of updates this week, you'd be forgiven for thinking that we might put an extra-special effort into today's Top of the Pops review. If that's the case then we can only apologise in advance. Here's what we learnt:-

Everyone's a Winner, Baby! 

Except, of course, they're not and, despite what Nick Berry claimed in his 1986 number one hit, every loser doesn't win, they lose, hence why they're called losers. It's not really that hard a concept to grasp. Anyway, Nick might not know much about winners, but we certainly do as we're about to announce the name of the lucky person who'll soon be receiving an exciting parcel through the post thanks to our Popstars: The Rivals competition, so if we could dim the lights please, the votes have been counted and verified and I can reveal that the winner of the first Talent in a Previous Life competition of 2005 is...

(This is a pause for tension by the way. The site's not buggered up or anything like that)

(If you want to go and get a cup of tea or go to the toilet, now would be a good time as we're going to be here for quite a while)

(It's dead exciting though, isn't it! It's just like what Kate Thornton or Ant and Dec or Davina McCall would do)

(At this point we should really be cutting to shots of the nervous faces of the entrants, cranking up the tension level that little bit higher. Perhaps if you've entered you might like to get a mirror and look at your own anguished face, while imagining what the other contestants might look like)

And we'll tell you who's won after this short commercial break.

And we're back! So, without any further ado, lets get on with telling you our lucky winner is. The Popstars: The Rivals VHS will be going to...

(Don't worry, it's a shorter pause this time.)

(No, really it is, please, come back! Don't leave!)

...Elaine Docherty who was very nearly disqualified after claiming she could have Caprice in a fight. Not because we doubt this claim, but because, despite having released a single, there is no way that Caprice could be described as a popstar. Fortunately she submitted a second entry suggesting that she could have Rachel Stevens as "If her interviews are anything to go by, she is so vacuous she wouldn't even know that when I was showing her a new dance move where she bashes herself over the head with microphone, I can grab the wire, run around her and tie her up, leaving her struggling to move, then I can Cheryl Tweedy her to the moon and back. I would hope she won't turn out to be a RachelBot, and start sparking.". So, there we have it. We're in the process of organising the fight as we speak and as soon as Elaine proves that it's no idle boast and that she can conclusively defeat Rachel the prize will be winging it's way to her.

Thanks to all who entered and we'll be keeping our eyes open for more cheap pop tat to give away in another competition later in the year.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Kenzie Watch: Day 17/18 

All good things come to an end, but so do most bad things and pretty much everything in the world that isn't a circle, and so it was that Celebrity Big Brother ground to a halt last night after two and a half weeks of fights, tantrums, fun, friendship and undercurrents of homoerotic tension. Quite a lot of the latter as far as we could see, to be honest. Channel 4 decided to rush through the highlights of the last two days, presumably realising that with Kenzie's 'boy' - his words - out of the house, the three remaining housemates were unlikely to get up to anything that exciting, they were pretty much correct, although Kenzie's incredibly bad dancing to (I've Had) The Time of My Life in his boxer shorts is likely to live with us for a long time. They were also asked to compose a song to commemorate their time in the house, having to write a verse each. We feel that it's in his best interests for us not to record for posterity Kenzie's contribution. There was also some massaging going on between him and Brigitte, but that was clearly just a rebound thing as Kenzie tried desperately to find something to replace Jeremy in his life.

As for the final, well, despite our best efforts - which didn't, to be honest, include actually phoning up and voting ourselves - Kenzie was not the winner, that honour went to Bez in the end, although the majority of the evicted housemates backed Kenzie, rather than the actual winner. Kenzie declared himself happy to be second, reasoning that he must have been doing something right and, when Davina brought up the fact that he'd been hoping to get some action inside the house, Kenzie happily responded that he was "looking forward to a bit of action outside the house" and giving a quick glance over to the assembled evictees. Then there was time for a quick hug with Jeremy, although Caprice forced herself in on the act, before the focus shifted to Bez, the fireworks went off and all 9 contestants steeled themselves to return to the slightly well-known life that they'd known before all this happened and now all we have to look forward to is Jeremy and Kenzie stepping out together at a movie premiere and Kenzie himself appearing in an ad for the Egg Marketing Board. Let's hope he does, anyway, as it's either that or a new Blazin' Squad single and that would truly be the most evil thing that Big Brother could inflict upon us.

Thoughts of the Pops 

It's Friday! Except, of course, it's not. It's Monday, but our video decided to play silly buggers on Friday night and felt that it's recording of Top of the Pops would be vastly improved if it didn't bother with the sound. Despite the fact it was probably right, we felt we'd be doing a disservice if we used that to write this piece, so had to wait until the late night repeat on Saturday, hence the lateness of this review. Still, other than the fact we need to get a new video, here's what we learnt from this weeks Top of the Pops:-

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Kenzie Watch: Day 16 

The housemates were served breakfast in bed this morning, literally, as Big Brother dumped a selection of eggs, bacon, porridge, toast and God knows what else onto them while they were sleeping. Kenzie in particular was quite miffed by this, perhaps aware that crumbs on the bedsheets are something of a passion killer, and stomped around the bedroom ranting "Oh my fucking God, you wankers!" before smearing eggs over one of the cameras and generally making it clear that he wasn't too happy with the situation.

Why was he in such a bad mood? Well it might be related to the fact that he was beginning to worry about his place in the Blazin' Squad upon his exit from the house, thinking that the band might disown him cause of his antics and he might be forced, for which read "hinting heavily that he'd quite like", to get a solo deal. "No-one wants to have an egg in their group", he moaned, quite correctly. Not even Dizzy and the Yolk Folk released a novelty single to cash in on their late eighties Spectrum based popularity. Perhaps he's better off out of it, though, as later on, still on the egg theme - which seems to be turning into something of an obsession with him - he brought up the fact that "Boys that hate" are fond of throwing eggs at the Squad when they're out and about, plying their wares to a largely disinterested public. "Why do they do that?", asked Brigitte, but Kenzie, presumably having a self-awareness level even lower than Jackie's, was unable to think of a valid reason.

Things perked up for the young rapper later on, however, beginning when Jeremy began talking about how good it would be to have a proper shower and be naked with all his bits dangling about. Kenzie's eyes widened at the thought and he could only mumble "Yeah, man", in agreement, perhaps thinking about suggesting that the two of them should share that first naked moment together so that they could both appreciate it. The two of them were also enjoying each others company in the Jacuzzi when they were joined by a topless Brigitte Nielson. Kenzie didn't look in her direction, perhaps out of embarrassment, or perhaps because he only had eyes for Jeremy? Who knows, although we can report that Brigitte did say that she wanted Kenzie to win and said there was something about him. Jeremy agreed, stating, with some authority it had to be said, that he was a "Dirty little...". We don't know where his hands were during this conversation, but as he got up to leave he happily stated that he knew that Kenzie "won't be able to get out of the pool right now".

Believe it or not, but when we started doing this feature, we didn't expect to be commentating on Kenzie and Jeremy's burgeoning relationship on a daily basis. We figured that it was a one-off joke and we'd have to find other things to write about, but despite our best efforts it's undoubtedly been the focus of Kenzie's time in the house and, besides, it's hard to resist when Big Brother makes it so easy for us. For proof of is we need only look at tonight's task which seemed to serve no other purpose than to provide fodder for those of us who believe that Jeremy and Kenzie are in advanced stage of man love, consisting as it did of the housemates being asked to dress in swimwear, pair up, dive in a tub filled with golden syrup and get as sticky as possible before going into a similar tub filled with fake money and try and get as much of it stuck to their bodies as possible. On the announcement of this Kenzie and Jeremy responded with enthusiasm and were quick to pair-up together, despite Caprice needing a partner. They made the most of their minute together in the syrup tub, layering it thickly upon themselves and rubbing it into each others backs to make sure they had full coverage on as much of their skin as possible. Despite their eagerness to get involved with the syrup tub, they were less keen when it came to the money tub, the pair of them ending up in last place with Bez taking first place and later winning £10,000 as a result of it, though for our pair we're sure they weren't that fussed as they'd just had the sort of experience that money just couldn't buy. "I've got honey up my arse", commented Jeremy afterwards. We've never heard it called that before.

And so, we come to the main event of today - the evictions. Unbeknownst to the housemates, two of them were going to be saying their goodbyes tonight and first to hear their name was Caprice. On hearing this Kenzie smiled, and the hug he gave her at the door was somewhat stand-offish. As she left the house, they all gathered at the breakfast bar and Kenzie, realising what he'd lost, said to Jeremy "You've gotta take over and train me to be a soldier", presumably hoping that he was something of an expert in rear attacks. Alas, Kenzie spoke too soon as 20 minutes later Davina's voice came into the house to tell them that Jeremy was the 5th person to be evicted from the house. Kenzie looked genuinely shocked and saddened at the news and seemed somewhat in a daze. Jeremy turned immediately to Kenzie for a reassuring hug, before turning to the others for their goodbyes. Kenzie held his arms out for a second hug, which went unnoticed by Jeremy while he said his goodbyes, but, as the timer counted down and he stood at the door waiting for his freedom, he saved his final farewell for Kenzie, holding him tight and giving him a kiss on the cheek. And we'll just repeat that in case you didn't quite get that, Kenzie and Jeremy kissed! OK, not with tongues, or even on the mouth, but it doesn't matter. A kiss is still a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh and the fundamental things apply as time goes by. But after that he was gone, and Kenzie was left alone, totally thrown and lost as he wandered around the house and looking, as he sat down on the sofa, as if he was about to cry.

After taking some time to gather his thoughts, and have a few glasses of wine, Kenzie went to the diary room to discuss his feelings about Jeremy's departure. It wasn't exactly Shakespeare, possessing as it does the rambling structure of the alcohol induced, but it is, nonetheless, quite touching in it's own way and we provide it here, in full, and without any sarcastic commentary:-

"I'm fucking devastated. Let me put you in this situation, imagine if you had your best friend with you for 16 days, someone who looked after you, cooked for you... Whenever I was down he'd be there to check me out. I know it's only 2 days... I'll see Jez in 2 days but, still man, you're with this person for 16 days, 16 days... they're proper looking out for you, proper looking after you. His last words to Bez were 'Look after Kenz', so that makes me think 'Yeah, he must have been looking out for me'. 'Cause you seen my face when they said Jeremy, that's on camera. You seen me for half an hour afterwards and how I was and I was fucking gutted, and you know what? I love Caprice to bits as well, she was like a big sister to me, but Jeremy was like a big brother - the true big brother. Fucking gutted, man. I'm not really an emotionally strong person, it doesn't take much for me to just lose it. I don't really care what people think of me. If people think 'Ah, he's a proper pussy cause he got proper gutted cause his mate left. His boy mate', who gives a fuck, man? That was my best friend in here, that boy looked after me the most. All I kept repeating in my mind was 'Ah, Bez, look after Kenz', and that means he was looking after me the whole time, and that's 16 days. Straight up to anyone, that's 16 days and that's a long time, so I don't give a fuck. But I know I'll see my boy in 2 days and that's why I'm smiling. See, I'm smiling now"

Altogether now, "Awwwww!"

if you want to in some way justify the effort we've put into detailing Kenzie's actions in the house then why not vote for him to win by dialing 09011 32 33 07 or texting KENZIE to 84444. Go on, you know you want to.

Kenzie Watch: Day 15 

Big Brother started Kenzie's day off by giving him an individual task to carry out. He was given a minature digital camera and told to go out and take paprazzi style shots of the housemates without anyone noticing. As Kenzie is, of course, a young heterosexual male living in a house containing a supermodel and a tall, blonde, Amazonian icon he was quite excited by this task and promptly went off to take some snaps of Jeremy in the jacuzzi. Unfortunately his over-excitement at this task proved to be his downfall as, other than the pic of himself, he failed to get a clear picture of any of the housemates, preferring instead to concentrate on providing visual evidence of the fact he posesses fingertips.

The housemates were later given bizarre and useless items which they had to think of a point for, then attempt to sell via the "Big Brother Shopping Channel". Kenzie was unable to think of a purpose for his so, as he often does in times of crisis, boredom and sexual frustration, turned towards Jeremy for help. He decided that Kenzie's item, a Cordless Flange Shifter, was, in fact, an Ugly Bird Detector which would flash should the owner be somewhat worse for wear and attempt to chat up a less than attractive lady in a nightclub, Jeremy clearly being happy to supply Kenzie with anything that might keep him away from females.

If you want to make Kenzie's mother proud of him for the first time in her life, then why not make him the winner by dialing 09011 32 33 07 or texting KENZIE to 84444.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Last Chance to Win! 

Just a reminder, but this is your last chance to enter our competition to win a copy of Popstars: The Rivals on good old-fashioned VHS and redisocver the greatest story ever told, via the medium of a confusing and badly edited highlights package. To enter, simply e-mail talentinapreviouslife@gmail.com with a subject of Rivals telling us Which popstar you could have in a fight and why. Closing time for entries is officially midnight tonight, but as we probably won't check our e-mail until Saturday lunchtime you can chance your arm on Saturday morning if you like. Good luck!

Take Your Shoesies' Off Photo 

As well as being fond of popstars, we at TiaPL are also - in an entirely non-fetishistic way, we hasten to add - fond of shoes, but so far we've not found a site that caters for both of these interests. Fortunately, someone else has realised that there's a need for this sort of thing, which is why a lady going by the name of Helen has set up a site called Popstar Feets. In it she's set herself the admirable, and unenviable it has to be said, task of meeting various musical types and persuading them to let her photograph their socks and shoes. So far she's been quite successful and has managed to get a number of minor indie celebs to let her snap their ankles. In that respect she's a bit like Fearne Cotton, but with "foot photos" substituted for "bedpost notches", of course. We applaud her efforts and hope that similar sites are set up soon to cover other ignored areas of interest such as "Bassists' Knees", "Drummers' Gloves" and "Adams' Adam's Apple", dedicated to photographs of the Adam's Apple of any popstar called Adam.

Kenzie Watch: Day 14 

The housemates where in a suspicious mood today, believing that Big Brother had something sneaky hidden up it's sleeve. They were quite correct, as we all discovered later, but in a bid to convince them that everything was normal and above board, they all found themselves nominating once again, even though these would have absolutely no effect on the outcome of the eviction. Kenzie voted for Bez and Brigitte, although they decided not to let us see his reasons, while he himself got a nomination from Lisa who, rather confusingly, voted for him as she didn't want him to go out, reasoning that no-one else would nominate him and, if they did and he was up for the public vote, she reckoned that we'd all back him.

The housemate's task for the day was one which Big Brother seems to fall back on every time they run out of ideas and was that of the children's party. To add to the fun, and we use that word in it's loosest possible sense, the celebrities, and we're using that word in it's loosest possible sense as well, all had to dress up as nursery rhyme characters, Kenzie, having failed to be quick enough of the mark when the costumes were unveiled, ended up being left with the excruciating (arf!) Humpty Dumpty costume, much to his displeasure. He was even less enamored when Lisa, who was dressed as Little Bo Peep, began moaning that she had the worst costume and began to crack up (arf!) stating that he was "not just an egg, but a really big egg!", quite how he felt it would be possible for a human being to dress up as normal-sized egg wasn't made clear, but if he was so convinced that Lisa had the better deal, he should really have offered to swap with her. Jeremy chose the Cat and the Fiddle costume. Presumably so that Kenzie could legitimately say he was after pussy in the house.

As well as having to experience "national humiliation" - although it's a bit late to worry about that now, we've seen the Crossroads video - Kenzie also had to join the other housemates in a variety of party games. While his chess skills may leave a little to be desired, his ability to find a target while blindfolded is beyond compare, easily winning the game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey. As a reward for his abilities, Big Brother awarded him with a prize of silk sheets. He wasn't the only one to be treated by Big Brother, as later Jeremy found himself winning back his Lucky Pants, confiscated at the very start of the series, in a game of Pass the Parcel. With Kenzie getting his sheets, and Jeremy his pants, it's probably safe to say that as well as getting lucky that afternoon, they would both be getting lucky in the bedroom later on that night.

The final game for the housemates was a round of Hide and Seek, although the point of this was less to see their camouflage skills and more as a way of disguising Lisa's surprise eviction. As she went into the Diary Room to discover her fate, the housemates all dashed off to find somewhere to hide within the limited confines of the house. Quite foolishly given the nature of his costume Kenzie first attempted to hide under the bed. Even more optimistically he then attempted to hide in a drawer, perhaps believing himself to now be the same size as an actual egg. With both those ideas failing, he eventually settled for hiding under a sheet in the hot tub area. Given the thickness of his costume and the outside heating in that area, this probably wasn't the wisest idea that he had, unless he quite liked the idea of one of his fellow housemates seeing him all hot and sweaty. Hmmm.

After 12 minutes the housemates eventually twigged that something was up and came out of their hiding places to investigate. Big Brother revealed to them that Lisa was the 3rd person to be evicted from the house and they all seemed somewhat taken aback by this. Kenzie and Jeremy did seem somewhat shaken, and they both retired to the bedroom to have a private chat about it. They weren't that shaken by it, however, as talk soon turned to what sort of reception they would get upon leaving the house. Jeremy shook his head sorrowfully as he thought about what would happen to Kenzie, "You'll get teenage girls coming running up to you". Kenzie was equally unimpressed with this though. "It's annoying". We can only attempt to sympathise, it must be quite frustrating to be constantly chased by those who you have no sexual interest in whatsoever.

As others retired to the bedroom, shattering the private moment between Kenzie and Jeremy, the conversation eventually turned to sex and Caprice asked Kenzie what the longest period he'd ever been without it for. Kenzie replied that the last time he had sex was "Thursday morning". A quite shocking revelation, we think you'll agree. He was quick to imply, however, that by Thursday morning he meant the day they all went into the house, however, we've checked our archive and on Day 7, the day in question, we stated the following "We missed a few minutes of the highlight programme when Channel 4 decided to have some technical difficulties going into the second last part of the show. It's quite possible that we did miss Jeremy and Kenzie consummating their relationship, though we can never be quite sure. Certainly when we did return to the show the two of them, along with Bez, were quite defensively reasserting their heterosexuality by sitting in the hot-tub area watching Caprice in the shower and making a big song and dance about it, almost as if they were desperate to make sure that the watching public knew that they were definitely into girls and that the house was in no way a hot bed of homosexual happenings.". If it wasn't for the fact that our case had become solidly welded to the floor of facts some time ago, we'd certainly be resting it right now.

If you want to convince Kenzie that dressing up as Humpty Dumpty is the sort of thing he should be doing on a regular basis, then vote for him to win by phoning 09011 32 33 07 or texting VOTE KENZIE to 84444.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Kenzie Watch: Day 13 

There's no better way to start the day than with a nice refreshing shower. Well, that's not strictly true, we can think of at least five better ways - and none of them involve cornflakes - but it's definitely a pretty god way to see in the morning, even if it's lacking in a certain something. Kenzie undoubtedly agrees, and decided to add that extra sparkle to his cleansing arrangements by showering with the person he'd most like to see semi-naked and soapy, Jeremy. As if that wasn't enough to essentially confirm everything we've said over the last couple of weeks, he compounded this act by not staring at his feet and refusing to make any sort of eye-contact or communicate in anyway with his partner, which is the normal state of affairs for heterosexual men in a shared shower situation lest you catch sight of something you shouldn't, but instead stood discussing boxer shorts with Jeremy. "My white ones", announced Jeremy referring to the pants he was wearing and their condition when wet, "are completely see through". He was quite correct, they were, and it certainly gave Kenzie an excuse to stare at his bum upon being informed of this.

Having satiated certain appetites during his shower, Kenzie found himself searching for mental satisfaction, and so it was that he found himself challenging Bez to a game of Chess, and we believe that "challenging" was probably the right word to use here. Surely the last time a pair of mental giants such as these tussled over a black and white checked board was when Kasparov tried to give Deep Blue a run for it's money. While they were locked in mental conflict, Jeremy found himself taking part in an individual task where he had to drop the names of 6 songs by a certain pop group into normal conversation, a task he successfully completed. Who'd have thought that Queen knowledge would have come so easily to him?

Clearly Jeremy's bum was still floating around Kenzie's young mind as he found himself unable to sleep until he'd dealt with certain frustrations which were playing heavily on him. This wasn't actually shown on the highlights show (and thanks to White Noise Maker for the link), but as the housemates went to bed, at around about 2 in the morning, Kenzie found his hand snaking under the covers to provide a little relief from the pressure he was under. Alas, Jeremy was disturbed, perhaps in more ways than one, though given his behaviour we doubt that, and told him to stop. Perhaps this was down to high moral standards, or perhaps it was because Jeremy wanted him to remain as wound up as a watch spring so that all manner of things can be got up to upon their release from the house. We can only speculate.

If you'd like to reduce Kenzie's need to hawk stolen car radios down the pub then all you need to do to help him win the prize money is to dial 09011 32 33 07 or text VOTE KENZIE to 84444.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Kenzie Watch: Day 12 

What little street cred that Kenzie still possessed, most of it having been eradicated thanks to his being involved in Celebrity Big Brother, dressing up as a minstrel and teaching John McCririck slang, not forgetting the fact that he's a member of Blazin' Squad, vanished today as he, along with the other housemates, found himself performing a Salutation Dance to celebrate the sunrise this morning. We're no expert in the world of dancing, as anyone who has ever seen us in a nightclub will testify, but the moves of the Salutation Dance appeared to be heavily influenced by those performed by drunk old women to Agadoo. After performing this, both Kenzie and Jeremy, overwhelmed by the moment, went to hug a tree. This is worth mentioning as we believe that this is the first time they've been caught on camera getting wood together.

Kenzie still seems to be keeping a low-profile as we get closer and closer to the finishing post as that was the only incident of any real note. We do feel we should mention the doll task, however, as this provided an interesting insight. They were all asked to make dolls of themselves and were each invited into the diary room, whereupon questions were asked of the little versions of themselves. The point, as detailed in the task rules, was that these effigies were supposed to represent the housemates inner selves and so could communicate thoughts and feelings that the 'real' versions were unable, or unwilling, to divulge. Kenzie's doll was clearly intended to represent his deeply hidden masculine, heterosexual side, being based around that of a caveman and was even in possession of a beard, something that is still many years away for the real Kenzie. Jeremy's inner self, on the other hand, was gay and had a crush on Jason Donovan. Point proven, we feel.

If you want Kenzie to be a winner then you can dial 09011 32 33 07 or text VOTE KENZIE to 84444, but bear in mind that this will only make him a winner in terms of Big Brother, to make him a winner in the real world will require a hell of a lot more than a phone-call.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Kenzie Watch: Day 11 

It's official! Kenzie and Jeremy are definitely an item! Kinda. Well, what it is was that Bez was in the diary room and, on being asked about why he thought he might have been nominated said "Kenzie and Jez are together", he may well have simply meaning in a friendship kinda way but, seeing as there wasn't exactly much Kenzie action of note today we're scrambling for any crumbs we can get.

The day started with the housemates being awoken at 7AM to start the Big Brother Rejuvenation Retreat task, whereby they would be forced to undergo a regime designed to enhance their inner health and sort out their karma, dharma and quite possibly their llama's as well. The group, however, didn't exactly prove to be adept at the concept of internal cleansing, managing to fail the within four hours of starting it. To be honest things didn't bode hugely well for them when Jeremy was reading out the task rules of this attempt to bring spiritual harmony and togetherness to the house and John and Lisa decided to have a blazing row, so their inability to make themselves pure of mind and body wasn't a huge surprise.

As part of the task they also had to dress up in robes and go under a new name for the duration. This phased some of the housemates, being unused to coming up with silly names for themselves, but for Kenzie it was a blast, coming from a group who consider names such as "Strider", "Melo-D" and "Reepa" to be acceptable monikers. He plumped for the name "Laughing Junior", which is only marginally less stupid than the other Squad nicknames.

To help them achieve celestial peace, or whatever nonsense this task was supposed to be about, the housemates found themselves invited into the hidden room, as discovered by Caprice earlier in the week, to divulge their inner thoughts. So it was that Jeremy entered first, before Kenzie went behind him, straight up the secret tunnel. They were asked various questions, but it seems that Kenzie is somewhat lacking in inner thoughts as we only got to see him respond to one question, which was whether it was better to love or to be loved. Kenzie replied that he was "confused". We're saying nothing. We're also saying nothing about the fact that when answering the questions the housemates had to wear the "hat of truth", and for "hat of truth" read "big pinky/purpley helmet". You can make your own jokes for that one.

As we head into the final stages of the contest, you can now vote for which housemate you'd like to win. If you'd like to cast a vote for Kenzie - and we can think of many reasons why you might not, most notably the fact that it'll cost you 50p a go - then you can either phone 09011 32 33 07 or text VOTE KENZIE to 84444. 25p from each call goes to charity, which still leaves behind a nice little profit for Channel 4 and Endemol productions.

Monday, January 17, 2005

1000; Many Acts 

Elvis Presley got the 1000th Number One this weekend. We don't actually have anything witty or interesting to say about this, but we thought of the headline last night and really, really wanted to use it.

Kenzie Watch: Day 10 

There's no rest for the wicked and it seems that there's even less rest for the slightly famous as, no sooner was Jackie evicted from the house, they all found themselves nominating for the second time. Despite his success at avoiding the slings and arrows of his fellow housemates last time, Kenzie found himself on the receiving end of one nomination, it came from Bez and was down to the fact that the freaky dancer reckons that Kenzie is "a really cool kid" and likely to be popular on the outside, so Bez wants rid of him as he doesn't fancy the competition. He was the only one to be thinking so tactically though, as everyone else once again sang from the same hymn sheet and the majority of them voted for Bez and John as the people they least wanted to spend any time with. Kenzie was no different, picking John because his massive sulk over his fizzy juice "brought down the vibe a bit" and Bez because he didn't like the way that he stuck up for Jackie when everyone else realised what an obnoxious cow she was. As the nominations finished Jeremy began talking about a dream he had had the previous night which involved him wearing "proper girls lipstick" - as opposed to the boys kind presumably - but he failed to tell us about what, or rather who, else featured in this subconscious story that we suspect may well have necessitated a change of sheets upon waking.

Their task this evening involved getting made up as hideous monsters - John and Lisa finished this part of it much quicker than the others - and controlling a ghost-train while blindfolded, based on instructions shouted out by other members of the group. Jeremy was quick to take control here and shouted out firm commands to each participant on exactly what they should do with their joystick to get the best performance out of it. All was going well for the group and they seemed on course to complete the task, up until the exact point where John sat down on the train and promptly broke the bloody thing. As a result of this Big Brother took pity on them and declared that they'd passed the task anyway, and sent them off to the bedrooms while their reward was prepared.

For successfully completing/breaking the task, the housemates were treated to an Austrian themed bier keller party, which had Kenzie and Jeremy practically weeping with joy when they realised that a beer tap had been installed in the garden, though this reaction probably paled in comparison to that in various households around the country when they realised that Yes, they were all going to be getting dressed up in Lederhosen. Kenzie himself was also quite excited about it, exclaiming "Oh, I'm loving that!" on discovering the costumes, and couldn't wait to get into his new outfit. Despite his enthusiasm for leather shorts, he failed to show an equal keenness for the more traditional forms of teutonic dancing, resisting the temptation to get up with Jeremy when the music played, meaning we missed out on the opportunity to see the two of them slapping each others arses, as often happens at these gatherings. Perhaps they felt that they might get too carried away if they both got involved and would end up doing something they both regretted, which we're sure you'll agree is a far more likely explanation than Kenzie simply not wanting to look stupid on telly as, if that's the case, then he's already blown it, although if the former is the case then it's quite possible he's already blown it as well.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Who's Charlie? 

So, with the fall out from the whole Busted splitting affair beginning to settle, it seems that James and Matt are unlikely to work together in the near future and, if they do, it certainly won't be under the Busted name, perhaps because it's too easy to take it literally now. Naturally some fans are upset about this and would rather that they carried on, even if this meant them stumbling around much in the manner of a three-legged dog, well, two-legged, but you get the drift. To this end a petition has been set up to encourage the boys to carry on without the man who is currently public enemy number one as far as teenage girls are concerned.

We admire their enthusiasm for this task - at the time of writing 1136 have declared their support - despite the complete futility of it, although we must express concern for their lack of knowledge of punctuation, grammar, spelling and, in some extreme cases, the concept of vowels, but ultimately it's not actually that bad an idea. After all, there's precedent in the cases of The Sugababes, Atomic Kitten and Hear'Say who all lost a member, but continued on to greater success after auditioning for a new one. Well, maybe Hear'Say were a bad example, but the others fit the pattern, so why can't Busted? Indeed, we feel a bit of pop incest should be involved and would encourage Matt to get on the phone and give Kerry Katona a call, she must have plenty of time on her hands now that Loose Woman isn't on the air. Given that the big concept for new pop groups this year is, essentially, "Busted with breasts", it could only prove to be a boon for both parties.

Incidentally, despite the "Busted with breasts" vibe being likely to shape the charts this year, The Noise Next Door shouldn't get too excited as, despite their best efforts, they're not Busted with breasts, they've fallen short and are just a bunch of tits.

Kenzie Watch: Day 9 

Both Kenzie and Jeremy knocked Jackie up this morning, not that they've both had a sudden conversion to heterosexuality - Jackie is more likely to have the opposite effect on a man - but her refusal to get out of bed, despite the alarm having been played in the house for twenty minutes, began to grate on them, so they found themselves banging on her door in an attempt to get her to rise, even if shining seemed unlikely to be part of her agenda for the day. Despite briefly rising from the covers, allowing them a short respite from the alarm, she promptly went back to sleep, setting the alarm off again. In the end Brigitte was sent in to deal with her, with Kenzie offering the advice that she should "Go in there and elbow drop her", Kenzie presumably being too much of a gentleman to do it himself.

Despite Jackie being fond of Kenzie, declaring him to be one of only two housemates she'd actually want to see again, these feelings were not reciprocated, with Kenzie happily joining in a bitching session about her in the sauna along with Caprice and Lisa. He certainly seemed none too impressed with her when she downgraded him from the little boy that she'd previously called him to "the baby", but rather than blow his top as he did when John called him something similar, he remained calm, perhaps because Jackie is, just about, a lady but it's more likely to be because Jackie was offering him a glass of wine at the time and his alcohol based urges were slightly greater than those for maintaining his dignity and self-respect which, as he's a member of Blazin Squad, weren't exactly that high to begin with.

We were treated to the phrase we'd long expected to hear today, as the Geordie voiceover informed us that while all of the other housemates were in the lounge area, "Jeremy and Kenzie are in the bedroom". Alas, shenanigans seemed to be in short supply, as instead they were discussing the fact that Kenzie seemed a bit down today, Kenzie agreed, postulating that perhaps it was because he was bored. Why was he bored? Well, and we'd like to point out that this is an exact quote, "We've not had our crease up today". They both looked saddened that nothing had been up their crease during the daylight hours, perhaps because they were unable to get privacy in the toilet - the only area of the house that's free from cameras - but Jeremy looked at it philosophically. "Maybe today just isn't a crease up day", he suggested, but you could tell by the look in his eyes that he really, really hoped that wasn't the case.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Win When You're Slinging 

We've had quite literally some entries for our competition to win a copy of Popstars: The Rivals on video, but if you haven't sent yours in yet, don't worry! You've still got til Friday to get your entries into us. If you want the chance to watch again and again that moment where Matt banged his head on the scenery when he discovered he was definitely in One True Voice - as opposed to all those times afterwards when he repeatedly banged his head in a bid to forget that he was a member of One True Voice - then all you need to do is e-mail us at talentinapreviouslife@gmail.com with the Subject Rivals telling us which popstar you reckon you could have in a fight and why, and you too could be the lucky owner of 1 hour and 55 minutes worth of televisiual gold television.

Kenzie Watch: Day 8 

This evening the housemates were given a task where they had to make cement imprints of the favourite part of their body for a so-called walk of fame. Perhaps realising the maturity level of some of the housemates, the rules for this task made it very clear that imprints of their genitalia would not be allowed, though it was hard for John to make any form of imprint that wasn't that of a dick. Caprice, somewhat predictably, decided to go for her boobs, and asked Jeremy to help her out with the jelly. And so, Kenzie was left on the sidelines, watching jealously as Jeremy massaged the sticky substance into her breasts. There was little he could do about it though, no matter how much he stuck out his chest, his pectoral muscles just weren't big enough to justify their use in this task, so instead he decided to go for his hands, all the while bitterly wishing he was in Caprice's shoes.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Thoughts of the Pops 

It's Friday! Despite having a week to think of a new idea for this opening spiel, we've completely failed to come up with anything even remotely good. Still, no-one reads this bit anyway, do they? Here's what we learnt from this week's Top of the Pops:-

Busted. Flush. 

So, Busted are finally over. Although in a sense they've been pretty much over ever since they decided that doing the theme song for the pointless live-action Thuderbirds movie was a good idea, this is proper over, in the splitting up but we're all still good mates and definitely don't hold a grudge against the emo bastard that decided to quit kinda sense. Charlie has, for better or worse, decided that rather than selling out arenas and playing guitar pop to the masses, he'd much rather be a fulltime member of Fightstar and spend his evenings playing small intimate venues to an audience consisting mainly of Busted fans who have turned up on the off-chance that he might do Crashed the Wedding and who've spent the majority of the gig wondering why neither McFly nor V are doing the support.

It seems an odd time to time to split, they've not even had the foresight to record a final single, to be released with a video featuring a montage of clips of them throughout their time together, and the record company will likely be pissed off that there's not really been enough singles to scrape together a decent Greatest Hits package out of it. Matt and James are no doubt not exactly happy with the situation, but feel that as it's no longer the three of them they're obliged to disband the group. We're positve, however, that they'll soon be back under a new name with a Charlie replacement. Why are we so sure? Well, because we already have a picture of the new line-up:-

They're already looking forward to playing Woodstock.

Distraught fans are advised that they can contact the hotline that has been set up by dialing 08712 12 12 12, though they should also be advised that this is the national Domino's Pizza hotline, but we're sure that as long as you order a Meat Feast Pizza with extra cheese they'll be happy to listen to you sob down the phone about how your life will never be the same again and how you really, really loved Charlie but now you just think he's a bastard. If not then try the Samaritans, they have to care. It's in the contract.

Kenzie Watch: Day 7 

It was the first chance for the housemates to nominate each other for eviction today, and with little surprise they all pretty much unanimously went for John and Jackie as the two people they'd least like to spend their remaining time in the house with. Kenzie didn't deviate from this pattern, selecting John for his sexist attitudes - "You've gotta have respect for wimmin" - and Jackie, who later on called him a little boy when she was attempting to get someone to go to the diary room and ask about her wine, due to her mistaken belief that everyone in the house is employed to tend to her every whim and desire - "I don't walk around thinking I need to be served". He managed, along with Brigitte, to escape any nominations himself, though Jeremy did receive a nomination from Jackie, as far as we could ascertain anyway, given that she hasn't actually bothered to learn anyone's name, describing him as reminding her of a "Beverly Hills gigalo". We're making no comment, although once the nominations were finished we were treated to a brief glimpse of what life might be like in the domesticated Kenzie/Jeremy household as it was revealed that the two of them do the washing up together. Awww.

We missed a few minutes of the highlight programme when Channel 4 decided to have some technical difficulties going into the second last part of the show. It's quite possible that we did miss Jeremy and Kenzie consummating their relationship, though we can never be quite sure. Certainly when we did return to the show the two of them, along with Bez, were quite defensively reasserting their heterosexuality by sitting in the hot-tub area watching Caprice in the shower and making a big song and dance about it, almost as if they were desperate to make sure that the watching public knew that they were definitely into girls and that the house was in no way a hot bed of homosexual happenings.

In the evening Big Brother treated the housemates to an Eat, Drink and Be Merry task, where each celebrity had to pick a partner and then go into the diary room where they would be asked a question. If they got it right, both would be allowed to drink an alcoholic shot, if they got it wrong, however, their partner would have to eat or drink something suitably manky. Kenzie teamed up with Brigitte, who got her question wrong, leaving Kenzie to drink a shot of saltwater, which he downed without a second thought, showing that he's not exactly averse to the concept of swallowing an unpleasant salty substance.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Kenzie Watch: Day 6 

Sending Jackie Stallone into the Big Brother house may not prove to be the producers best idea in the world as while it's undoubtedly put a cat amongst the pigeons, it's also turned the housemate's thoughts towards buggering off and getting the hell out of there as fast as their little legs can carry them. Brigitte was the first to express this thought in the Diary Room, unsurprisingly she's not exactly keen to spend two weeks locked up with her mother-in-law. Next up to suggest to BB that he was thinking about packing his bags was Jeremy, who was concerned that next Rachel Stevens might be brought in for a performance, but as her new single is apparently all kinds of excellence, he'd soon have been eating his words. Alas, none of them had the balls to carry through this threat and so it was left to Germaine, who was pissed off with what she saw as bullying of John, to stand up for herself, pack her suitcase and wave goodbye to the circus, and off she went in a harrumphity huff, harrumph, harrumph, harrumph.

Kenzie seemed quite upset at her departure, telling her as she packed her case "You've worked a lot harder than anyone else.", which made her feel a bit weepy. "What have I done?", he added "I ain't done jack!", which is true, and he's yet to do Jeremy either.

Despite the potential for a trio taking off, Germaine's leaving seemed to disavow the others of the notion. While Brigitte is undoubtedly still nursing thoughts of returning to the real world, Jeremy seems to have entirely forgotten about his thoughts in that direction, something which we're sure has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that with Germaine out of the picture, he's been able to take her bed, which just so happens to be right next to Kenzie's. He also took the time this afternoon to get Kenzie - and Bez as well for that matter - all hot and sweaty. This was, however, in the lounge area, rather than the bedroom, and was a result of Jeremy leading the two of them in an exercise regime.

With all the drama over Jackie's entry and Germaine's exit, our Kenzie found himself somewhat out of the spotlight today, his main highlight came when Big Brother finally caved in and gave John the Diet Coke which he craved so much. John put it in the alcohol fridge, which Big Brother is able to lock, to cool down while he went off to have a shower, presumably with thoughts of cold, refreshing, black fizzyness dancing through his head while he lathered his unmentionables. Kenzie decided that, as he had the key, it would be hilarious if they were to lock the fridge and encourage John to think it was Big Brother that had done it. This they did and, unsurprisingly, once John returned and discovered he was unable to get his sweaty mitts on his precious black gold he promptly marched into the diary room to demand he be given access to his fizzy pop, only for Big Brother to deny all knowledge of the scheme. On leaving the room to the laughter of the others, he promptly went into a major rage, saying "It's not funny, practical jokes aren't funny. Are you think and stupid, all of you?!", which would no doubt have been more aggressive and intimidating if it wasn't for the fact that he had two bits of toilet paper stuck to his top lip where he cut himself shaving.

Top of the Scots 

Readers with either long memories or little else to trouble their minds might remember that back in October we wrote an article covering The List's shortlist of the 50 Best Scottish Bands in the World... Ever! It's now January and they've finally got around to counting the votes so, in a bid to add some closure, we feel we should inform you that the bestest Scottish band, according to their readers, is none other than Belle and Sebastian, a group who's fans are not exactly unknown for their... let's say 'enthusiasm' for internet based voting systems. We believe Pete Waterman still holds a grudge about that.

Second place went to Lemonescent, in case you were wondering.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Kenzie Watch: Day 5 

The Court of Big Brother task continued today, and the most pressing task for Queen Lisa, Princess Caprice and Duchess Brigitte to contemplate was exactly what punishment should be dished out to Jeremy and Kenzie. The fact that they hadn't yet done anything which would necessitate a punishment did not seem to be important, merely that something suitably humiliating should be in store for them should they feel the need to transgress. Fortunately for them, however, the minute they started discussing this in the private bedroom, Kenzie, perhaps quite keen on the idea of punishment, immediately began eavesdropping and was promptly caught by the girls. Not that he was going to admit his guilt, however. With the sort of street smart skills that kept him out of jail during his time hanging around on street corners sharing a bottle of cider with 5 other people, he promptly denied he was eavesdropping, claiming that he was checking his hair in the mirror when he thought he heard his name being called, which was why he had his generously proportioned ear up against the crack in the door. Jeremy backed him up on this, but the ladies were having none of it and promptly sentenced him to perform 20 forward thrusts once he got out of the sauna. This he duly performed, with Jeremy sitting on the edge of the bed watching on with a look that some might call "Amused detatchment", but we're going to call "unabashed lust", in a bid to fit our more and more tortured Jeremy/Kenzie love in theory.

That wasn't the only time that Jeremy found himself watching longingly from the sidelines as Kenzie performed for the entertainment of others. A jousting tournament was organised for the afternoon and it was Bez and Kenzie who found themselves facing each other in the final. Poor Jeremy was left on the sidelines looking on as Kenzie proudly displayed his long, hard and powerful lance and thrusted it with enthusiasm, if slightly lacking in skill, towards Bez's target area. Alas, Bez's older years meant that he soon took control and showed Kenzie exactly how lance wielding should be done, leading to him being declared the winner.

Evil Big Brother reared it's ugly head today, in more ways than one, as a new arrival entered the house, Jackie Stallone, mother in law of Brigitte and a good example of why plastic surgery is a very bad idea. Lisa described her as the Bride of Frankenstein, which is slightly unfair given that Lisa herself has not been without her encounters with the ugly stick. Before her arrival the only clues that had been given to the public as to who the new housemate would be was that it would be someone from one of the current contestant's past. With this in mind we had been vaguely hoping that Rachel Stevens might have been entering the house, perhaps to atone for the sins of More More More, but it wasn't to be. Jackie may well prove to be good value though, as she has already been discussing rumpology - the act of telling the future from someone's arse - with Kenzie, proving that someone else inside the house is interested in his bum.

With all the stress caused by Jackie's arrival, the housemates decided that they finally had enough of the Court of Big Brother task and had a revolution, which pretty much amounted to them saying they couldn't be arsed with it anymore and little else. Despite this, it did get Kenzie, who had clearly been drinking heavily throughout the evening, over excited and he began jumping around the room excitedly and going over to John, who had finally started talking again as a result of this, telling him "I'm fucking with you, John!", over and over again. Eventually, to calm him down, Jeremy took him in his arms and hugged him in the dark of the bedroom, an act which we're sure would have got his pulse racing even more, but would no doubt have served the purpose of transferring all that adrenalin and testosterone to an entirely different part of his body.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Brits Uninspiring 

So, the Brit Awards nominations have been announced and, perhaps as expected, they're not exactly earth-shatteringly exciting. Girls Aloud get a single nomination for Best Pop, alongside Natasha Bedingfield, McFly, Westlife and, ummm, Avril Lavigne, while Bedingfield II also finds herself up against Jamelia, Joss Stone and the now traditional space fillers of Amy Winehouse and PJ Harvey for Best British Female and Joss, Keane, The Zutons and Franz Ferdinand for Best British Breakthrough Artist. She'll also be performing a duet with her brother, Daniel, at the ceremony, which we reckon will be one of the most disturbing, yet hugely compelling TV moments of the year. If we were the betting type, we'd be putting money on it being a slightly reworked version of I Got You, Babe, but as most boy/girl duets aren't exactly suitable to be sung by siblings we feel that no matter what the choice it will be car crash television, and seeing as Daniel has already been involved in one he should really have known better than to get involved.

Along with their Breakthrough nomination, Franz Ferdinand find themselves with another 4 nominations to go with it including, slightly bizarrely, Best Rock which, given that it's voted for by viewers of the Kerrang TV channel, will be going to Muse, no questions asked. They're also up for the new Best Live Act award, which has been brought in to replace the Best Dance Act, proving once again that the organisers have their fingers on the pulse of popular culture, scrapping it just as dance music finds itself in something of a resurgence once again. Also proving that the Brit's organisers don't have a clue is the fact that Jamie Cullum has been nominated for two prizes, neither of which is "Most annoying twat to ever walk the planet", so there's clearly a travesty of justice involved.

Bob Geldof is getting the We'd Better Give Him Something For The Band Aid Re-release prize, otherwise known as the Outstanding Contribution to Music Award. What do you reckon the odds are of him doing the The Great Song of Indifference during his performance?

Kenzie Watch: Day 4 

The housemates awoke this morning to discover that their abode had been transformed into an entirely accurate recreation of a medieval castle. Well, a suit of armour had been stuck in the corner and some stocks where in the back garden, but at least they tried. This was clearly the essential maintenance which caused the Kenzie/McCririck rift last night, but it seems the chance to sleep on it has given John time to think over his actions as upon waking he went over to Kenzie and apologised for his behaviour, having presumably realised that accusing someone of acting like a kid when you're currently in the middle of a massive hissy fit because you've not been given your fizzy pop doesn't exactly leave you standing on hugely solid ground.

The reason for the 'transformation' the house went under was for the start of the Court of Big Brother task. At lunchtime a fat bloke dressed in green fired an arrow at an archery target in the garden, which lead Kenzie to declare "Aww, that Robin Hood was well cool", demonstrating that he has a quite unique definition of coolness. Attatched to the arrow was a message and, when Lisa went out to get it, she discovered that this made her Queen of the house and all the others now had to serve her. As part of this, she had to pick different housemates to fulfill certain roles. When it came to the position of Minstrel she naturally gravitated towards the most musically talented member of the household. Unfortunately though, she'd already made Bez a footman, along with Jeremy, so was stuck with Kenzie in that role.

Amongst the various tasks which the housemates had to carry out for their new Queen, the main one was to create a Coat of Arms for her, with each courtier being given one section to paint with a design representing an aspect of her personality. Kenzie decided to go with 'music', presumably because "Getting sacked for going on a bender and missing your show when Radio 1 was in Ibiza" had been assigned to John, who left his blank due to his still being in a massive strop regarding his diet coke. Kenzie chose to represent this aspect with a picture of a ghetto blaster pumping out "Flip Reverse", showing a remarkable grasp of irony in one so young.

There was little to add flesh to the Jeremy/Kenzie coupling, alas, although when Kenzie was asked by his Queen - that's Lisa, just to clarify - to provide some entertainment, he began rapping, the sound of which left Jeremy unable to control his body and he found himself standing up and performing pelvic thrusts to the rhythm and sound of Kenzie's MCing. The also did find themselves plucking together in the evening, although they were both plucking birds side by side. Kenzie's technique was not perhaps the most experienced in the world, as he managed to split his, much to the disgust of the other housemates, but Jeremy still encouraged to finish off the job, perhaps because he understands better than most how upsetting it is to be left half-cocked by Kenzie.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Diamonds and Girls (Aloud) 

We're hearing reports that Nicola Roberts may well have gone and done a silly thing and gotten herself engaged to her long term boyfriend Carl. As the only place we've found that's carrying the story so far is The Sun's website, we're going to hope that it's just another example of poor quality reporting from Miss Victoria Newton and it'll turn out to be nothing more than a mistake and misunderstanding. Should it actually turn out to be true, however, we plan on sticking our fingers in our ears, avoiding all forms of media and simply pretend that the whole unfortunate affair isn't happening. It's not that we don't want her to be happy, it's just that we want her to be happy with us.

Kenzie Watch: Day 3 

It had to happen, all the tension finally got too much for Kenzie and he exploded messily in the bedroom. This is not, however, anything to do with Jeremy, although the two of them did find themselves getting all sticky and messy and covered in a white liquidy substance earlier in the evening, although this was part of a dirty Big Brother assault course, rather than any other sort of dirty assault. Instead it was John McCririck that felt the full force of Kenzie's youthful wrath, and all over the simple act of closing a door.

The argument had it's root in the results of the assault course. The housemates didn't exactly shower themselves in glory during the task, although they did manage to shower themselves with shit, which, as they were playing to win back their shopping, meant that the contents of their kitchen cupboard where somewhat decimated. John was quite upset about this, particularly over the fact that they weren't given either their milk, or the diet coke which he seemed to value so dearly. As a result of this he went into a sulk and refused to talk to anyone for the rest of the evening, all the while nurturing a festering grudge against Big Brother which grew and grew as the night went on.

Despite Kenzie getting Big Brother to exchange their runner beans for some milk - an interaction which involved Kenzie happily declaring that "I am not a Runner Bean man", though we do feel that he's fond of fruit - John still wasn't happy and went to bed early, his top lip stuck out petulantly, leaving the others to get drunk and have a good time.

Eventually tough, the good times had to stop and the housemates started to head bedwards. Last to hit the sack was Kenzie and, before he left, Big Brother asked him if he could make sure the bedroom door was closed to allow essential maintenance work to be carried out while the housemates slept, not a hugely unreasonable request but, once Kenzie carried it out all hell broke loose. As Kenzie shut the door behind him, John immediately leapt up and demanded to know what the hell he was doing. Kenzie explained, only for John to accuse him of being weak and bowing down to Big Brother rather than standing up for himself and was just crawling to them as he was a little boy. Kenzie did not take this very well and promptly responded by saying "I ain't fucking weak", John restated that he was, leading to Kenzie politely coming back with "Do you think I give a fuck? You don't know me, don't talk to me like I'm a little fucking boy!". Lisa stepped in to try and calm things down but to no avail as he carried on with his rant, now telling John "Don't ducking patronise me because I'm 19, I'll slap you about. You're nothing. You dickhead.". John seemingly decided that discretion was the better part of valour at this point as he shut up sharpish, leaving Caprice to take Kenzie out of the bedroom and into the kitchen area in a bid to stop a bit of a fisticuffs taking place.

Whether Jeremy was impressed by this piece of testosterone fueled machismo is not yet known, but we'll keep you posted.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Kenzie Watch: Day 2 

It seems that after spending yesterday telling all who would listen that Caprice is a hot chick and in no way being attracted towards Jeremy, Kenzie's personality has been somewhat exhausted, as he wasn't hugely involved in the second day's events, preferring instead to spend much of his time mooching around in his dressing gown or relaxing in the sauna. He did, however, find time to try and explain to John McCririck exactly how Blazin' Squad became a success. This is a mystery that has troubled far greater minds than those contained within the Big Brother house, so it came as no surprise that John found the whole concept impossible to grasp. "Underground garage scene?", he mused, "You used to work in underground garages? Like the NCP?". Hilarity ensued amongst the housemates, which is fair enough, as hilarity is a common occurrence when the work of the Squad is being discussed.

His main involvement in house events was during their daily task, where housemates had to answer questions about other housemates to win items of clothing, taken from their suitcases, for them. It was Germaine, who stated in the diary room that Kenzie was her favourite because "he's trying to be a bad boy when he really isn't" and not in any way because she's fond of young boys, who was batting for Kenzie. She was asked what he had said when asked what he hoped to get out of the house, and promptly answered wrongly, feeling sure that he would have said he was looking forward to connecting with other people. Kenzie himself felt sure that he would have answered that it was the raising money for charity which would be the best part, so it was as much of a shock to him as it was to the others when Big Brother revealed that the correct answer was, in fact, "pulling a glamour model". Germaine had to choose between returning his slippers or his jeans and decided to go for his jeans, presumably feeling, quite rightly, that a 19 year old has no need for slippers.

Kenzie himself was picked to play for the clothes of none other than Jeremy Edwards, and in this case it was literally all of his clothes, other than what he was wearing when he arrived in the house. If Kenzie got it right, Jeremy got everything, if not, Jeremy was left with what he was sitting in. Now, far be it for us to suggest that Kenzie might have been quite keen on the idea of Jeremy walking around with hardly any clothes on, but when asked "How would Jeremy rate his personal attractiveness on a scale of 1 to 10", Kenzie did get the answer wrong, plumping for a 7 when Jeremy actually rated himself as an 8. To show there was no hard feelings - yet - Jeremy gave Kenzie a big hug when he left the diary room to let our little MC know that everything was OK and he didn't mind the outcome. Later they both found themselves in the Jacuzzi together, while Caprice watched on. A beautiful moment, the romance of which was only spoilt once John came blundering down the garden and decided to join them, leaving a sense of homo-erotic tension in the air which could be cut by a knife.