Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

10 Things We State About... 

She might be Victoria Beckham now, but to us she'll always be Posh Spice, or Victoria Adams at the very least, but since the Spice Girls, there's no denying that she's become a global style icon. Unfortunately the life being married to a man earning a few squillion quid merely for having a kick around in the park every other weekend is an unfulfilling one, and so it is that Victoria has turned, as we all do at times of cultural vaccuum, to the world of literature in an attempt to gorge her soul with the good things in life. To this end she's written a book, entitled That Extra Half an Inch, in which she dispenses her wisdom on style and gives out a few of her secrets about how to achieve that perfect look, and face it, this is a book we all need. After all, we've all wondered how we could achieve that He-Man Nemesis look for Hallowe'en parties, haven't we? Anyway, as a teaser, we've kindly been allowed to publish ten entirely true and in no way made up tips from the book in a bid to encourage you to rush out to buy it. Here's what Vicky had to say:-
  1. When your hair is getting a bit too long, messy, and unkempt, instead of asking your husband to reach for the garden shears, why not try going to a Hairdressers where you can pay a lot of money to have someone professional hack away at your hair with garden shears instead. Remember, if it's expensive, it must be good.
  2. As a general rule of thumb, less is more. Unless hypothermia is a real and present danger, you should always wear the minimum amount of clothes necessary for public decency. And even if it really is that cold, you should still just grin and bear it. I can count the number of times an Eskimo's topped the FHM Sexiest women poll and I can only count up to 3.
  3. Shoes are important, and the higher the heels, the better. Not only do they allow you to get in touch with your inner meerkat by giving you a good, high vantage point from which to survey the surrounding land, but they also make your feet look pretty. Forget the fact that they'll cause bunions, blisters, boils, and other painful things that begin with 'b', if there's one thing my book will teach you, it's that it doesn't matter what the inside is like, it's what's on the outside that counts.
  4. If you can't fit into a pair of size 6 jeans you're a worthless human being.
  5. Not only do socks help keep your feet warm, but they can also provide a cheap and simple way of padding your bra. This is especially useful if you're so anorexic that your breasts have become entirely concave. I am not suggesting this from personal experience.
  6. When asked about what sort of girl they like, some men say that they like a girl with "Something to hold on to", which many girls take to mean "It's OK to be curvy and have some fleshy bits". Wrong. What these men are, of course, referring to when they say they want something to hold on to, are "rib bones", so you need to make sure that these are as obvious and accesible as possible. If you can slim down so far they actually burst out of your skin then so much the better.
  7. But remember, you're not dressing to please men, but don't think for a moment you're dressing fr yourself. You're dressing so that all the other women in the world don't look down their noses at your hideously unfashionable clothes, your laughable style, and your frankly dowdy, unflattering hairstyle. Don't think for a second that we're not laughing at you when you go down to the shops in your comfy jeans and t-shirt feeling relaxed and care free, cause we are. By god, we are.
  8. Remember and wear knickers when you wear a mini-skirt unless you want to attract unwanted attention. And if you do want to attract unwanted attention, make sure you telephone them in advance to let them know where you're going to be and at what time so they don't miss out on their chance to get their shot of you getting out of the car. It's the sort of thing that makes the difference between appearing on page 17 or page 1. Or being in The Star instead of The Sun.
  9. Make sure you dress your man up in your clothes. He may look stupid and become a bit of a laughing stock, but you're guaranteed to look fantastic in comparison. Unless he has better legs.
  10. Wear a nice hat. Guys love a girl in a nice hat.