Saturday, April 08, 2006
Madonna fans up and down the country spent yesterday morning on the phone, hoping to get hold of tickets, but mainly discovering that the ticket touts got there before them and their only hope of getting a pair is to pay the astronomical prices on ebay, as opposed, of course, to paying the equally astronomical prices that Madonna herself was charging right from the get go. We're not quite sure if there's any gig we'd pay 160 quid to go and see, as we reckon that no matter how fantastic it might be - and it'd have to be something pretty fantastic in the first place to make us splash out, An Audience with Daphne and Celeste, maybe, or a reformed B*Witched with Girl Thing on support duties - we'd be spending the entire gig thinking about the fact that we'd spent £160 for it and wouldn't really be able to focus on anything else. Anyway, despite announcing roughly two hundred and seventeen extra dates, a number of fans still came away disappointed, which means that they must have £160 burning a hole in their pocket and no real idea of what to do with it, especially as spending it on Madonna tickets seemed like a good idea. Fear not! Because here at Talent in a Previous Life we've prepared a brief guide on what exactly you should do with that money:-
- Buy up her entire back catalogue on Amazon. OK, fair enough, most people who think that spending that much money on Madonna tickets is a good idea probably already owns her entire back catalogue already, but it probably won't hurt to have a back-up set for when they inevitably wear out the originals. Also, buying a new set would give them the impetus to listen through all her old albums again, and hopefully realise that a lot of it is rather lacking in the old quality department.
- Buy as many smelly, flammable sticks as you can. You need these as, after all, you clearly have more money than incense.
- Use it to pay off your credit card bill and American Express yourself.
- Send the cheque to Madonna anyway. If she's having to charge that much for tickets in the first place, then clearly she's in dire straits and needs as much help as she can get, lest she have to start selling off the family silver or, worse, having to rent out the East wing of her mansion to poor people.
- Buy up some Kaballah
merchandisereligous artifacts. After all, it is a proper religion and not just an impressive marketing exercise so this will guarantee you entry into heaven. At current rates £160 will buy you either half a length of tatty red string or a thimble full of undrinkable water.
- Buy a small selection of skirts and trousers and send them to Madonna with a note attatched reading "For the love of God, wear these!"
- Similarly, send her a large vat of moisturising cream with instructions to rub liberally into her neck and hands in the vain hope that it might make a difference.
- Help the record company out by buying up as many of the millions of unsold copies of the American Life album as you can, saving them the hassle of dumping them in various landfill sites up and down the country.
- Buy a glitterball, hire a cheap, elderly hooker and get her to put on a leotard and mime along badly to some of Madonna's greatest hits. This will likely be a more convincing performance than the real thing.
- Spend it all on cheap vodka and spend the night of the gig drinking and weeping and wailing, desperately trying to convince yourself that you didn't really want to go anyway and you're more than happy to be doing this instead. You may wish to keep back some money to pay for the carpet and sofa cleaning which will be required when you inevitably vomit all down yourself and all over the floor.
- Go and see a dozen or so Rachel Stevens gigs instead. She's a bit like Madonna, only better, more attractive and a lot cheaper. And also a lot less popular, so you'll not have to queue for as long at the toilets. Or, indeed, at all.