Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

10 Things We State About... 

The line up for Live 8 has finally been announced! And what a stellar display of pop talent it is, as long as by "Stellar display of pop talent" you actually mean "A line-up so dull we'd rather pour cement into our ears and gouge out our own eyes than sit through". As always when confronted by a pop related list, we suffer a Pavlovian reaction and have an uncontrollable desire to go through it line by line, pointing out exactly why it's wrong. We hope to bring you the fruits of our labours by Thursday, but if it hasn't turned up by Sunday you can safely assume that we got bored of the idea shortly after Coldplay, much like anyone who ends up actually going to the concert. Until then, however, we're proud to present ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the first Live Aid and the world's favourite guilt tripping concert:-
  1. The concert was such a success that not only has world hunger been eradicated, but we now produce so much excess food that ten eclairs are blasted into space every minute.
  2. Even today there are still people who can't believe that the organisers managed to get such talent titans as Nik Kershaw, Kenny Loggins and Howard Jones on the same line-up.
  3. Bob Geldof had consumed 2 bottles of vodka and some cheap aftershave when he made the decision to have Status Quo opening the show.
  4. The Feed the World finale was hugely emotional and inspiring and definitely not a tuneless car crash of a performance.
  5. Phil Collins flew by Concorde to perform at both the London and Philadelphia gigs. This marks one of the few occasions that someone has managed to be a talentless twat on both sides of the Atlantic on the same day.
  6. Freddie Mercury was gay.
  7. If it wasn't for the fact that he's dead, Michael Hutchence would still be wondering how exactly INXS managed to get on the bill. Or, indeed, any bill, ever.
  8. Midge Ure is not bitter that everyone now believes it was all down to Sir Bob.
  9. Swearing is big and clever.
  10. Absolutely no-one was in it for both the promotional and the ego boost that such an event promised. Especially not Bono.