Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Kimberly Walsh's Guide to the North
Ey Oop! Depending on how much leeway you're prepared to give this piece, I'm either Kimberly Walsh or a vaguely offensive stereotype of a northern girl. Either way, it doesn't really matter as, save for a few dropped the's and u's replaced with a double o, it'll soon descend into the standard TiaPL house 'style', much as it's doing now. Well I'll go to t'foot of our stairs, etc. Many of you may have some misconceptions about what life's like oop here in t'north of England. Some of you may think that we all walk around all the time with whippets and wearing flat caps, but that's simply not true! Some of us are women after all, and as such only wear our flat caps on Sundays. See! What a learning experience this is turning out to be! Here are some other things you might not know about the North:-
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- Northern people are the friendliest in the world! Unless you happen to be from the South, that is, which is actually a criminal offence in this part of the world.
- The Angel of the North was modelled after one of our region's most beautiful girls, who managed to have a successful catwalk career, despite being handicapped by the fact her father was a Airbus 380.
- Last of the Summer Wine is a fly on the wall documentary series and provides a full and accurate account of what life is like here.
- In fact, in Yorkshire, the most common form of transport isn't the car or the bus, it's the bathtub going down the hill.
- The North of England is considered to be anywhere above Birmingham, or, of you're from London, Watford.
- Famous Northerners include most of Girls Aloud, Cilla Black and Jimmy Tarbuck. Unfamous Northerners include Jenny Frost and the few local castmembers in Hollyoaks.
- The onyl food eaten by Northerners is either black pudding or, if this isn't readily availiable, the bottom of an old boot. On special occasions, tripe is served. If you wish to find out what tripe tastes like, pour the foul gunk which congregates at the bottom of your bins into a tupperware container, then freezing. The result will be slightly more appetising than real tripe, but should give you a flavour of what it's like.
- The use of currency is, like warm water, quilted toilet paper and homosexuality, considered to be a namby-pamby southern invention. Instead all transactions are carried out by trading coal. One lump is roughly equivelent to £3.50 in real money. You may think that this system might cause a logistical problem when it comes to carting round much more than £30 quids worth of coal, but this problem is solved as anyone with more than ten lumps of coal to their name is considered to be a flash git and gets sent down to London at the first opportunity.
- In the North, our green spaces are known as parkland, fields, and beautiful, untouched valleys. In the south they're known as potential sites for commuter hubs.
- Here be Dragons. Especially in some of the cheaper nightclubs.
music girls aloud kimberly walsh
