Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

10 Things We State About... 

The Stereophonics release their new single, Dakota, this week and everyone's getting all excited by it and saying how surprisingly fantastic it is. We disagree. Yes, compared to the rest of their turgid back catalogue, the track is something quite special, but compared to every other decent song ever released in the history of music it's still a crock of shit, but at least they've finally managed to pull themselves up over the wall of terribleness into the garden of mediocrity, even if knocking down the back door and entering the house of aceness still seems quite a way off. To celebrate, here's 10 entirely true and in no way made up facts about the Welsh whiners.
  1. Contrary to popular belief, The Stereophonics aren't the worst band in the world. They're the worst band in the universe.
  2. During their career there have only ever been two mildly interesting things about them. One is the fact that the singer has a girl's name.
  3. The other no longer applies since drummer Stuart Cable left and took his remarkably stupid hair with him.
  4. Kelly's lyrics are inspired by his thoughts, feelings and things that he's experienced during his day to day business. As a result of this we can surmise that Kelly's life consists of him doing dull things with dull people in a dull way.
  5. Angered by the music press saying that the band were a bit dull and crap, Kelly hit back in 2001 with Mr Writer, a song attacking music journalists for being lonely and bitter and expressing his desire to shoot them. Unfortunately Kelly didn't seem to realise that defending yourself against accusations of being a bit dull and crap by releasing a single which is the very definition of a bit dull and crap isn't really the best way to prove your detractors wrong.
  6. Forcing prisoners of war to listen to their second album, Performance and Cocktails, is banned by the Geneva convention.
  7. Stuart Cable left the band in 2003 to pursue a career in the carpet industry. "Rugs", he said at the time, "It's all about the rugs. And with my remarkably stupid hair I reckon I can pluck enough strands out of my barnet to carpet Buckingham Palace".
  8. Only one person in the world has ever uttered the phrase "The Stereophonics are my favourite band", but as he followed it up by saying their best track was Connected, it's clear that he meant to say Stereo MC's.
  9. Richard Jones, the bassist or, to give him his correct title, other one, has his own name tattooed on his neck. What a twat.
  10. Local Boy in the Photograph wasn't too bad, mind.