Tuesday, July 18, 2006
W(edding C)ake Me Up
Cheryl Tweedy got married this weekend and, despite it not being, even in showbiz circles, the world's most important event ever, it was still shrouded in the sort of secrecy that would make the sort of world leader who can't even be discrete when his microphone is switched on blush. The reason for all this cloak and dagger nonsense was to protect the exclusivity of her deal with OK Magazine, but for those of you who just can't wait - and we find it hard to believe that there's anyone in the world who finds the prospect of a new issue of OK Magazine to be that exciting - we've heard back from our spies on the ground and here's the inside gossip:-
- Due to the hush hush nature of the event, guests weren't told were the wedding was actually taking place in their invites. Instead they all had to phone a special number two days before the event, where they quizzed upon their identities before all was revealed. All except for Anneka Rice, that is, who had to follow a series of cryptic clues, before arriving in a helicopter, followed by two out of breath cameramen and a sound man.
- Cheryl had seven bridesmaids, one each for Ashley's seven brothers.
- Four of these bridesmaids were made up of her Girls Aloud bandmates. The other three won their places in the reality TV show Pop I Do.
- They all wore strapless, floor length, peach gowns. Apart from Nicola, whose dress mysteriously didn't turn up and so was forced to attend the ceremony in her vest and pants, and Nadine who 'accidentally' caught her dress in a door and lost the entire below waist section of it.
- Cheryl herself wore a meringue. Not a wedding dress that looked like a meringue, but an actual meringue.
- A giant marquee was set up outside the grounds of the venue. This was designed to protect the bride and grooms privacy and stretched all the way back to Cheryl and Ashley's place of residence, covering much of London.
- When Cheryl and Ashley turned up at the altar, the vicar surreptitiously turned to Cheryl and asked "You do realise that he's black, don't you?"
- After receiving an affirmative, he then turned to Ashley and surreptitiously whispered "You do realise she's a girl, don't you?"
- Guests at the wedding were forbidden to take any photographs and, on leaving the reception, they were all ushered to a second secret location, believed to be a farmhouse in Wiltshire, where they will be held at gunpoint until publication of OK Magazine, let they accidentally share a memory of the event with out proper authorisation from the copyright holders.
- Guests dined upon prawn cocktails, salad, and the cold dead flesh of many of Girls Aloud's rivals.
- Due to a shortage of waiting staff, Nicola found herself being roped into help, with Cheryl hissing "It's the least you can do after I deigned to invite you along".
- The guest list for the wedding was star-studded, with such showbiz luminaries as Girls Aloud, some footballers and Rikki - from Rikki and Daz - in attendance.
- Cheryl made a special point of inviting the band's manager. She also thought about inviting along Louis Walsh but decided against it in the end.
- No expense was spared on the entertainment, with the other girls from the band putting together a "This is Your Life" style video for Cheryl, which in no way consisted of them putting on the Popstars: The Rivals DVD, followed by the Girls Aloud: Off The Record TV series, which Kimberly's mum had taped off of the telly (except for episode 4, as it clashed with a late episode of Coronation Street).
- Showing their showbiz clout, Pete Tong was booked as the DJ, but he was swiftly bottled off after playing The Shoop Shoop Song five times in a row.
- The bouquet was caught by Javine, who could later be found crying in the toilets yelling "It should have been me!"
- The best man speech had to undergo some last minute editing when Ashley made it quite clear that the anecdote about him and the unknown DJ was not appropriate for the occasion.
- After the meal the crowd gathered round excitedly for the ceremony of the cutting of the cake, which was swiftly followed by the equally traditional splitting of the sponsors' cheques.
- Cheryl and Ashley's first dance was to Duran Duran's Is There Something I Should Know?"
- Wayne Rooney embarrassed himself by spending most of the reception running around, pretending he was an aeroplane, before being sick in the corner, leaving an exasperated Coleen to apologise for his behaviour, telling everyone that he was just "over-excited". He later threw a tantrum when Coleen decided it was time for him to leave as he was tired and not used to being up so late.
- Before receiving their slice of wedding cake, all guests were required to sign a legally binding contract confirming that they would not promptly go off and sell it on eBay.
- And they all lived happily ever after.
