Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Pan O'Meara/The H Factor: Day 5 

Day 5 in the Celebrity Big Brother house and, like some sort of farmyard set bible, the temptations of eggs and cheese were causing all sorts of problems for our housemates. There wasn't, however, an actual snake, although Leo could make a pretty good Medusa if he managed to turn himself green. Watching Jade Goody undress would probably be a good start.

Anyway, it was the eggs, or lack thereof, that caused Jade's mum Jackiey - and never trust anyone who can't spell their own name correctly - to throw a bit of a strop, although Jackiey strikes us as the sort of person who throws a strop on a pretty much hourly basis, even if the only thing she has to throw a strop about is the fact that she has nothing to throw a strop about. This morning it was the fact that, because she hadn't said she'd wanted any breakfast, the housemates, still taking part in the servants task, not unreasonably assumed that she didn't want any breakfast and so chucked away the rest of the eggs benedict which had been lovingly prepared - well, prepared, anyway - for them. It was at this point which Jackiey, who had already chowed down on a croissant, decided to get needlessly upset because she might feel a little bit peckish later on. Fortunately H was on hand to save the day, offering her a banana before making her some toast and marmalade, rather than telling her to grow up and have a sense of perspective like anyone else would have done. Good old H.

The problem with the cheese was nothing to do with H - or Leo, for that matter, who might as well be a steaming lump of gorgonzola - but was instead a problem with Ken's greediness. As part of the task, members of the Goody family, which includes Ken as he's been adopted by them - and if you think that's a bad situation, wait until he finds out that it's legally binding - aren't allowed to do anything for themselves and have to get one of the other housemates, the servants to do it instead. Ken couldn't be arsed with this, so made himself some cheese and crackers and caused a big old hoo-hah between himself and Jade, who was worried about them failing the task. It ended with Ken calling the servants 'slaves', banging on the table and spitting cracker crumbs everywhere while Jade went outside for a cry. Jo, who had been doing the dishes and pretending not to listen, went outside with her to offer a few words of comfort, albeit in the form of some half arsed platitudes about it only being a game. She later tried to explain the situation to Cleo: "Ken was very nasty to us". "Cartoon nasty?", asked Cleo. "No, real nasty", said Jo, whose popstar lifestyle has obviously sheltered her from real-life unpleasantness if she genuinely believes that an 80 year old man pretending to be cross is real nastiness. The whole affair caused Ken to quit the show and H looked very upset at the news. Awww.

The potential Donny/Jo romance may well have come grinding to a halt, stopped only by the fact that he escaped from the Big Brother house - oh, and didn't actually want anything to do with her - but love ain't gonna wait for Jo, as coming up on the horizon is a new suitor, none other than Jackiey who is, of course, a somewhat rubbish lesbian - and it would be hugely offensive to describe her as a one armed muff bandit so we won't - and has been complimenting Jo on her looks and her beauty spot. "Do you fancy a bit of the Jax?", asked H of Jo. "No, she doesn't do it for me", was her somewhat curt reply. H wasn't going to let her lack of enthusiasm stop his matchmaking fun. "Would you like a bit of the Jo", asked H. "Yeah!" replied Jackiey, practically drooling at the thought. Later, back in the servant quarters, Jo discussed this turn of events with her other housemates, telling them that she was "unnerved" by the attention and to be honest it doesn't matter what sort of attention Jackiey shows you. Sexual or otherwise, it's going to be unnerving.

Finally Jo told us how S Club got together. Her version, frankly, was a bit dull and bore no relation whatsoever to the real story, as told in the Miami, LA and Hollywood 7 documentaries.