Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Monday, January 22, 2007

Pan O'Meara/The H Factor: Day 18 

Day 18 in the Celebrity Big Brother house and we saw fighting, bitching, territorial battles and some playfullness which suddenly got very out of hand. But enough about what happened on Meerkat Manor, on Big Brother Jade's shadow still hangs heavy over the house, with H starting off his day by discussing Jade's relationship with the press with Jermaine. It's an infatuation, he declared, although fatal attraction might be a more appropriate phrase. Unfortunately he never got a chance to expound upon this point as Big Brother chose that moment to wake up the housemates with a blast of James Brown's Sex Machine which immediatly caused H to get up, get on up, although his moves were less like a sex machine and more like a cement mixer.

Apparently Dirk has not had a shower for four days, a fact which he reckons makes him irresistable to women thanks to the powers of pheromones, which would possibly be true, if it wasn't for the fact that they'd be overpowered by the unpleasant stench coming from the armpit area. Jo was similarly doubtful of his claims: "A man who hasn't washed for three or four days would not excite me one bit!", which is true. As we've all learnt from this series, Jo prefers clean, gentlemanly, well groomed and hygenic young men. Who want to give her a good pounding.

Later Dirk warmed to his theme and stated that he couldn't marry a girl who ate meat something Jo, a girl who is heartily fond of eating meat - you're the one turning that into an innuendo, not us - found hard to imagine. "What sorta women is going to live on rice and beans?", she asked, aghast, "You'd just lie in bed farting all the time". We'd have thought celebrities would be used to a world filled with hot air.

Dirk's slightly grumpy attitude has been causing ructions within the group, and he's now deliberately cultivating irritation amongst the housemates in a bid to get himself voted out sooner rather than later, and who can blame him? He's already been in a house with Danielle for two and a half weeks, something which would normally be termed a cruel and unusual punishment and is currently under consideration for use in Guantanemo Bay. To this end, he's started smoking his cigars inside the house, much to the annoyance of the other housemates (although they don't seem to be too fussed about Jo's interior inhalation). H took it upon himself to try and deal with this by asking him if he'd mind smoking outside, or perhaps allowing a bit of fresh air into the room, but Dirk refused. He wouldn't even open up the door, he never made H feel like he was special, he wasn't really what he was looking for. Uh-oh. Hey! Hey! A-Wah-a-ah-ah-ah-woah. Sorry. Anyway, Dirk said not to worry as "it's only a week, you can live with Hitler for a week". Surely Jade was in the house for longer than that?

Jo steals toilet rolls from restaurants. We don't know what's more depressing, the fact she steals the toilet rolls or the fact she considers the cafe at her local bingo hall to be a restaurant.

"Do chickens have sex", asked Jo of H, which took us by surprise as we'd have thought she would have been an expert on cocks. Either way it led on to the revelation that eggs cannot be broken if squeezed from the top and bottom which, bizarre as it sounds, is true! Although if you are going to try this we recommend doing so above a sink as eggs do sometimes have tiny hairline fractures which will cause the egg to break if squeezed like that. Big Brother has already caused enough mess over the past week, it doesn't want to be responsible for any more.