Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Pan O'Meara/The H Factor: Day 17 

Day 17 in the Celebrity Big Brother house and the housemates awake to the sound of Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson. Big Brother is making A Point here. Either that or it's a subtle reference to American Werewolf in London, which seems rather unlikely. If only because the nastiness and unpleasantness within the house hasn't waxed and waned according to the phase of the moon.

Still, it's eviction day today and, presumably out of a desire to allow things to blow over and avoid another day being censured in parliament, Big Brother waited until this morning to inform Jade and Shilpa that they were facing the public vote, though neither of them seemed particularly upset or surprised about this. As always H was quick to look on the bright side: "Whoever goes out will be happy because they'll be in their own beds" and given that Jade has spent most of this week making her bed, it's about time she had to lie in it. Jo and Danielle were quick to reassure Jade, although Jack, her boyfriend, did and said nothing. Naturally. Danielle asked Jo if she was OK about the whole thing. "Yeah, just a bit gutted", she responded, "Just trying to work out.. y'know", she continued as she tried to work out who in the house would have voted for Jade. As great mysteries go, it is one that is unlikely to trouble any of the great detectives. Sherlock Holmes, Poirot and the bald bloke from Murder One would have it solved within seconds. Even Inspector Clouseau could probably give it a good shot.

Later the three members of the Coven lay in bed together, discussing the situation. "If it is you", said Jo to Jade, reassuringly, "you'll have your boys waiting". Assuming, of course, that they haven't been taken into care due to Jade being an unfit mother. And we're not just talking about the whole racism/bullying/generally being a horrible and abysmal person thing here, but generally buggering off for a holiday and leaving your kids behind is the sort of thing that's frowned upon in normal society. As is talking about shagging your boyfriend in the showers on national television, something which Jade proceeded to discuss with the girls after they asked her whether Jack would be OK if she left. Of course he'll be fine. Anything else would requrie actually demonstrating some sort of emotion. Jo once again proved herself to be a decorous, ladylike and polite young woman, responding to Jade's revelation with "Of course, if it was me I'd be in there all the time. I'd make me own lock". Though given that Jo has been blaming the quality of the cooking for giving her "the shits", it seems she's managing to do that without the need for a boyfriend.

As the news media has nothing better to talk about, helicopters were flying over the Big Brother house, much to the excitement and bemusement of the housemates. "Why a helicopter?!", exclaimed H. "You know why", responded Cleo, subtlely. "Well at least we know there's no major problems in the world", was Dirk's repsonse, "No problems in Darfur, Iraq's been sorted out, etc". Jade, Jo and Danielle, who apparently live in the bedroom, also discussed it, with Jade correctly reasoning that the press interest revolved around her. Jo denied this, "I think there's some sort of big story, but I don't think it's Jade". Yes Jo, it's definitely got nothing to do with the whole racism issue rearing its ugly head. It's probably more about the discovery, thanks to Cleo, that Stan Laurel and Clint Eastwood aren't related in any way, shape or form. That's the real story.

H and Dirk had a chat about the homo-erotic subtext to the A-Team. We don't want to know exactly what they used to slip into Mr T's milk to make him more amenable to going onto planes.

The housemate's task for today was to make beautiful music together, as opposed to the dischord and lack of harmony which has pervaded the house in recent days. To this end they had to form the Big Brother Human Philharmonic Orchestra and 'sing' The William Tell Overture. H was the conductor but we have no idea what instrument Jo was attempting to represent, but apparently it was in the string section, though given that if we had to choose, we'd have said it looked more like she was playing the triangle, this seems unlikely. H being H, he chose to rememeber the piece of music he had to conduct through the medium of dance. "Fucking hell!", he opined at the end of the performance, very unconductorly.

They passed their task, so Big Brother gave them some wine and food, leading to Jo asking Jermaine if he'd ever been drunk. He replied in the negative, causing Jo to go on a passionate, heartfelt speech about the joys of alcohol, one which would immediately turn even the most staunch tee-totaller into a raging lush. "It's great being in the gutter with vomit in your hair", she orated, Churchill like, "I like getting wasted. It makes me happy!". Jermaine did not appear to be convinced.

And so, the eviction. And H was in the toilet when the disembodied voice of Davina appeared to give the news we'd all been waiting for, even if Jade being sent out to face the music was not exactly what could be called a shock result, although given the interview she gave Davina it seemed like there'd been a mistake and they'd actually evicted Vicky Pollard by mistake. And given that she'd clearly been given more time than the show implied to be briefed about the situation, you think she'd have been able to come up with a slightly better defence than one which essentially amounts to "I said some racist things but I'm not a racist, honest!". Still, there's a certain pleasing symmetry to it all, though. Jade started her career on Big Brother and now she's spectacularly finished it there as well.