Wednesday, December 20, 2006
No Time Like the Presents
If you're anything like us, then not only will you harbour a deep seated grudge against the world, but you'll also, despite their being less than a week to go, still not have bothered your arse doing any Christmas shopping and the thought of actually getting started is getting less and less enticing with each passing second. Fear not, though! HMV and Virgin are open well into Christmas Eve and buying all your friends and relatives CD's really is the best way of letting them know that you care so little about them that you could only be bothered visiting one shop to buy all their presents. But what should you buy? Well, as advertisers all know, every single one of your family members is nothing more than a lazy, easily marketable to stereotype, so here's the official Talent in a Previous Life Present Guide to give you a few clues:-
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- Dad - When Dad's aren't watching Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear, building shelves or buying GQ, they like nothing more than listening to hoary old rock such as Paul Weller, Razorlight or any compliation which includes Queen, Rainbow and Fleetwood Mac. Basically let the lack of imagination in your choice of present be equalled by the lack of imagination present in the music.
- Mum - Ignore what Oil of Olay claim, your Mum really won't be impressed by being given a present which implies she's as wrinkled as the walnut she's left in your stocking. Instead buy her a gift which implies that while her skin may be as smooth as a baby's bum, she also possesses the critical faculties of one. To this end, her eye's will light up with barely dsiguised joy - although it'll be disguised enough to look like disgust - as she unwraps either Il Divo, Andy Abraham or Those Annoying Choirboys and Girls Who Are Surely Right Now Being Bullied To Within an Inch of Their Lives. And Quite Right Too.
- Sister - Your teenage sister is perhaps still developing her taste in music, so now's the time to give her something truly awful so that later, when she rebels against her more youthful interests, she'll start listening to something good instead, so why noy buy her Oasis, U2 or something unimaginably bad, McFly.
- Brother - Your brother will probably be happy with Oasis too, so why not just buy him the same as you get your sister. In fact, just treat him the same as your sister for the rest of his life, he'll love you for it. Especially when you start telling his friends that he's too good for them and that he'd better not get up to any funny business with him. And then start trying to organise a hen night for him.
- Friends Who You Like, But Aren't Really That Bothered About, When You Get Right Down To It - The Leona single. They've pressed that many of them it'd be rude not to, and it'll save them all going straight to landfill.
- People who you Actively Hate and Despise - The Kooks - Inside In/Inside Out.
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