Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Monday, April 11, 2005

Shakey Result 

After Tiffany's victory on last week's Hit Me Baby One More Time, we had high hopes for Belinda Carlisle being similarly fab, thus increasing the possibility of it being an all-ginger final. Unfortunately we hadn't given much thought to the possibility of Belinda being entirely rubbish while, she, on the other hand, had clearly not only given it some consideration, but had actually decided "Yes! That's the way to go" and gave a performance that was mediocre at best, her voice vaguely hovering around the melody line during her rendition of Heaven is a Place on Earth. Her cover wasn't much better, choosing to cover Coldplay's The Scientist in a more yawn inducing way than the original. We did learn, however, that she's half sheep, such was the bleating nature of her voice. Belinda Fact: Belinda left home at the age of 19.

So if not Belinda, who won? Umm, Shakin' Stevens. Shakey was, of course, world famous. Even Elvis these days is known as the American Shakey, but it doesn't change the fact that other than his Christmas records, he's as pointless as a shaved hedgehog. He mumbled his way through This Ole House, which we assume was his 'style', rather than because he'd forgotten the words, before turning to Pink's Trouble for his cover, a song so inessential that we doubt even she remembers recording it. His weak voice barely carried the tune, but somehow he still managed to mobilise his fanbase into voting for him, which is quite worrying really. Not the fact that he can influence people, but the fact he actually still has a fanbase. Presumably they didn't actually dial the numbers themselves, instead getting the staff at their nursing home to do it for them. At the end of his first performance, someone threw a pair of knickers on stage. They weren't incontinence pants, surprisingly enough. Shakey Fact: He once worked as a window cleaner.

We, along with anyone who actually has ears, felt that this result was something of a travesty as Haddaway was clearly robbed. Wearing two watches, presumably in the hope that this would double up his fifteen minutes of fame, he did a decent version of What is Love?, although in his haste to get ready for his performance he forgot to put his shirt on, but it was his cover that should have won him a place in the final being, as it was, a rocked up version of Britney Spears' Toxic which was nothing short of fantastic. Alas, it seems that while Shakey fans are free to walk the streets without suffering cat calls or having things thrown at them, Haddaway fans keep their head down, don't draw attention to themselves and certainly don't vote in TV talent shows. Shame. Haddaway Fact: Haddaway has a college degree in marketing.

Also on the show were Doctor and the Medics, who we believe are still touring, their live show presumably consisting of them performing Spirit in the Sky, a song which really should have been performed at the Pope's funeral, a dozen times before buggering off. For their cover they went for Robbie's Let Me Entertain You, which was fair enough as by dressing like idiots and having a bloke dressed as Death with a distinctly unscary looking wooden scythe, they were pretty entertaining, even if they're not exactly the best band in the world or, indeed, in the studio that evening. Doctor and the Medics Fact: The Doctor comes from Knotty Ash, home to Ken Dodd.

Finally, making up the numbers, we have Jaki Graham, a woman who we've never heard of, performing Set Me Free, a song which we've never heard before, nor do we have any particular desire to hear again. Apparently she achieved her fame by working with UB40 and David Grant of Fame Academy, uhhh, fame, which just goes to show that some people will sacrifice every last shred of their dignity to be famous. While dancing like a drunken Aunt at a wedding, she also found time to belt out Will Young's Your Game, which she did a decent enough job of, but then, Your Game is such a great tune that it would be hard for anyone to ruin it, though we're sure that Shakin' Stevens would no doubt give it his best shot. Jaki Graham Fact: Jaki is managed by her own daughter.