Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Making Your Mind Up 

Well, that was a pleasant surprise.

Yes, Javine will be representing us at Eurovision, something which has probably surprised her even more than it has the rest of the country, given that we were all geared up for the humiliation of having Jordan represent us. Despite a show that, for reasons best known to themselves, featured Natalie Cassidy, the lumpy faced actress who plays Sonia on Eastenders, as a judge and showed that bloody Bucks Fizz clip twice, just in case there was anyone on earth who wasn't sick to death of it, the public still managed to make the right decision and pick the right artist to do the job. It's almost enough to make us start believing in democracy again. But we're jumping ahead of ourselves slightly. Let's have a look at all tonight's performances - in reverse order - and see just why it's right that Javine should be making sure her passport is in order.

After losing out at Eurovision back in 1996, Gina G was all set to rewrite the history books and storm it at this years event. Alas, the public weren't as keen to see her lay to rest her personal demons and saw fit to let her suffer the ignomy of being in last place. In terms of performance this was fantastic, featuring fake newspaper headlines, a Polaroid style backdrop and all sorts of back-referencing: even her dress harked back to the one she wore all those years ago. Unfortunately this back referencing extended to the song, Flashback, which held firmly to the belief that it was still the mid-nineties and it sure as hell wasn't going to move with the times. It even used a vocoder for fuck's sake.

Also harking back to the past was the second-last placed act, Tricolore, who's backing track for Brand New Day came straight from the mid-eighties, before people actually worked out how to use their synthesizers properly. They served mainly to remind people to go out and by their Mum an Il Divo CD for Mother's Day and also included, without apparent irony, the line "See the world through the eyes of a child". The cocks.

In third place was Andy Scott-Lee who felt that the best way to wow the voting public was to perform a track which would, in more normal circumstances, have been used as the second single from an Atomic Kitten album. The most exciting moment in his performance of Guardian Angel was when the floorlights changed colour towards the end of the song, which says it all really.

It gives us a lot of pleasure to type this, as in second place we find Katie Price, or Jordan as she might be better known to you. Before the contest she was on the radio encouraging people to vote for her as it would be "the breast thing they'll ever do", which pretty much gives you an idea of Jordan's wit, IQ, talent and skills, all in one sentence. Her singing tonight was genuinely painful, and a visibly pregnant woman gyrating around in a skintight pink PVC catsuit is not a good look for anyone. But, and while the previous sentences gave us pleasure, this one is going to cause us some pain: we think that Not Just Anyone might actually have been a good song. It was hard to tell due to Jordan's caterwauling all over it, but if it was performed by someone who actually possessed some sort of musical talent, this would probably have been the best choice to represent us. As it stood though, we were desperately hoping for this not to win.

And finally, we come to the winner, the lovely Miss Javine, who's track Touch My Fire was the undoubtedly the best of the night. It has a good up-beat Eastern vibe going on, lyrics which are probably about sex and Javine performed it in a dress which just about covered her essentials - and didn't at one point, unless we imagined the nipple flash which occurred during her final performance of the song which is, we admit, quite possible - so it's all good. Unfortunately though, we don't think that it'll win. While it is a great track, we think it's more of a grower and lacks the instant punch or catchiness that it'll need to stand out amongst 20 songs when performed on the night. It's a shame, as she deserves the success. Let's hope that real things (arf!) are about to start happening for the girl once universally described as "Poor Javine".