Radio 1 celebrates its fortieth birthday today, although we are somewhat dubious about a station that should be all about the Now getting all nostalgic about the Then. Not that that sort of thinking has ever stopped us to be honest, so we’re joining in by presenting forty - forty! - entirely true and in no way made up facts about the nation’s favourite… well, just the nation’s favourite, really:-

1. Radio 1 was set up as a response to the pirate stations which had sprung up in the waters around the country. The establishment felt that a more controlled way of getting pop music to the kids was required, mainly because they felt most of the pirate DJ’s were a bunch of Arrrrr-seholes.
   
2. The first record played on the station was The Prodigy‘s Smack My Bitch Up.
   
3. Zoe Ball was drafted in to present the Breakfast Show after the government felt that the country was becoming far too unproductive with the nation’s youth spending many morings just lazing around in bed instead of going to work. Zoe’s unique blend of irritating voice, annoying fake enthusiasm for every record played and inability to indulge in any between song banter of any interest whatsoever was felt to be the perfect way of getting people out the house as soon as possible.
   
4. Dave Lee Travis, the Hairy Twat, famously quit his show live on air in anger at the fact that the Radio One bosses were trying to destroy the soul of the station, by which he meant “Make it half way listenable”. He was also really pissed off that his access to the station’s free prostitutes had been curtailed under the “Fair usage” part of the terms and conditions within his contract.
   
5. Many Radio 1 DJ’s eventually move onto the world of Radio 2 where they no longer have to pretend to care about the new McFly single after they’re deemed to be too old for the station. This will remain the case until euthanasia is legalised.
   
6. Tony Blackburn was the first DJ on the station. Given such a start it’s a miracle they managed to stay on air for more than a week.
   
7. Jo Whiley doesn’t wear shoes when she’s broadcasting. This is the only thing interesting about her. And even then we’re using ‘interesting’ in the loosest possible sense of the word.
   
8. After his death, John Peel has haunted the studios of Radio 1, his ghostly presence making itself known by tutting exasperatedly with a tinge of sadness and frustration every time Colin Murray takes to the airwaves.
   
9. Colin Murray and Edith Bowman used to work together, unfortunately the management’s belief that, much like in mathematics, the two negatives would come together to make a positive, proved to be sadly unfounded and the dual irritation caused many listeners to throw their radios into the bath in frustration, electrocuting themselves, with a most of them having to actually run a bath first, just so they could do so.
   
10. During the late eighties and early nineties, Radio One went up and down the country, switching on FM transmitters and rebranding themselves as One FM, as the nation enjoyed the stereo sound of the station for the first time. Except, of course, for their trip to Somerset, where they first had to turn on electricity full stop, before explaining the concept of radio to the bewildered locals who felt sure it was some kind of witchcraft which they wanted no truck with. Or at least no horse drawn cart with.
    
11. Records banned by the station include Sex Pistol‘s God Save the Queen, Frankie Goes to Hollywood‘s Relax and Rhianna‘s Umbrella, the latter being banned after the controller of Radio One got poked in the eye by an umbrella on Oxford Street, an incident he blamed entirely on the song’s prevalence.
    
12. Despite what they claimed, however, Status Quo weren’t banned by the station. They were just unbelievably shit.
    
13. Since the Steve Lamacq and Jo Whiley‘s partnership on the Evening Session came to an end they have reunited for “Back Together For the First Time Since the Evening Session” style specials at least twice a year and, indeed, have now hosted more shows together now than when they were a double act.
    
14. Having a ‘Breakfast Crew’ is currently the only socially acceptable time to pay people to pretend to be your friends.
    
15. The Roadshows were invented when Simon Bates wanted to go to Brighton for his holidays but really couldn’t be arsed driving their himself.
    
16. “Smiley Miley” got his nickname for both his sunny disposition, cheerful outlook in the face of all difficulties and the fact he spent the entire roadshow season monged out of his face on Ecstacy.
    
17. Radio One is fond of slots such as Our Tune and Changing Tracks, features which allow the most mawkish of listeners to demonstrate to the nation exactly how awful their taste in music is.
    
18. The advent of the internet and podcasting has caused a revolution in the way people listen to the station, allowing listeners to ignore JK and Joel’s show at any time of the day or night they like.
    
19. Radio One takes its reach and influence amongst the younger population seriously, which is why during times of war they broadcast subliminal messages suggesting that able bodied, fit young men should sign up to fight immediately immediately.
    
20. Five people have died as a result of competitions on the station. Most notably in the Russian Roulette game on the Scott Mills show, something which he now admits was a mistake and that he should have probably dropped the feature after the first death.
    
21. Despite not hosting the official show any more, Bruno Brookes still reads out the Top 40 every Sunday afternoon, to an audience of largely disinterested passers by outside his local supermarket, pausing only to sell the occasional copy of the Big Issue and wet himself.
    
22. Without the support of Radio One, bands like Oasis, The Verve and Arctic Monkeys would likely still be playing in their garages, dreaming of success. Despite this, the station has had some success in breaking new music to be proud of.
    
23. Chris Moyles is actually just DLT after a shave.
    
24. 1Xtra is definitely not a tokenistic gesture designed to ghettoise urban music in the slightest. Oh no.
    
25. After each broadcast, Zane Lowe is returned to London Zoo where he whiles away the hours until he’s next on air swinging on his rubber tyre, munching on bananas and throwing faeces at curious visitors.
    
26. Tim Westwood is not only old enough to be your dad, he’s old enough to be your dad’s dad.
    
27. Pete Tong’s name has entered the dictionary as rhyming slang for the word ‘wrong’. Chris Moyles’ name has also entered the dictionary as slang for the word ‘cunt’. Not because it rhymes, simply because it’s true.
    
28. Gary Davis was once a household name. No, really.
    
29. If every record ever played on Radio One was played back to back, it still wouldn’t come anywhere near to the amount of time spent on irritating DJ banter.
    
30. When Princess Diana died, Lisa I’Anson was censured for opening her show by playing Ding Dong the Witch is Dead. She later explained “I wasn’t thinking. I just really love Munchkins”.
    
31. Radio One is now older than the combined age of the entire listenership of Fearne and Reggie’s weekend show. Their listener is aged 51 and is Fearne’s mum. Reggie’s mum doesn’t much care for the show.
    
32. As a result of an administrative mix-up, Today’s John Humphrys once found himself presenting the Radio One breakfast show, but his floundering was nothing compared to Sara Cox who suddenly found herself having to interview the Home Secretary live on Radio 4. Fortunately as her interviewing style consists of droning on and on without allowing the interviewee to answer any of the questions, no-one noticed the difference.
    
33. If Radio One didn’t exist, the numbering system for Radio’s Two to Seven would seem remarkably confusing.
    
34. The longest track ever played on Radio One was a session track by post-rock types Mogwai. Coincidentally this was also the period when they had their lowest ever audience figures.
    
35. The only thing more lazy than the covers bands turn in for the Live Lounge slot on Jo Whiley’s show is a sloth having a lie-in after a hard night watching DVD’s and eating popcorn.
    
36. For many band’s the highlight of their career is getting their first play on Radio One, but this joy is often shortlived if said first play is on Edith Bowman’s show and she then goes on to enthuse copiously about the track afterwards.
    
37. The Sunday Surgery is the perfect place to go if you have a problem you’re too embarrassed to tell a doctor or similar professional about, but are more than happy to tell it to millions of people, all around the country.
    
38. The last thing ever broadcast on Radio One will be the sound of Chris Moyles screaming in agony. Or at least it will if we have anything to do with it.
    
39. Simon Mayo is the heir to the Heinz millions, after his great grandad invented salad dressing.
    
40. Despite its many failings, its faults, its seeming inability to go for longer than an hour without playing that bloody Pigeon Detectives song and its continued belief that employing Colin Murray, Edith Bowman, Chris Moyles and Sara Cox, the sort of person who not only thinks her own surname is funny but assumes everyone else will share in the hilarity, is a good idea, Radio 1 is still a million times better than most commercial operations. Happy Birthday.

Labels: 10 Things, Radio 1

Some people, although not anyone you’d actually want to spend any time with, are getting quite excited about the fact that Led Zeppelin are about to make a big wodge of cash for putting in the minimum of effort to a bunch of uncritical dinosaurs who would applaud even Jimmy Page walking on, shitting in the centre of the stage and walking off again with so much unbridled enthusiasm as to generate enough heat to speed up the onset global warming by sixty years, ironically enough, a time scale equivalent to the average age of people in the arena. Or ‘reform’, as the organisers are spinning this particular moneymaking extravaganza. If you’re lucky enough to have never heard the band, you may be unaware as to why people are getting hot under the collar about this - although if you’ve heard the band you’re likely to be equally clueless - then here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the band which may clear things up:-

1. Robert Plant once owned a dove farm, but gave up on the business after a particularly, umm, ‘loving’ year betwixt his birds caused him to have more baby animals than he was able to cope with. This incident was immortalised in the song Whole Lotta Dove
   
2. Page and Plant sounds more like a firm of solicitors than a rock duo. In every sense of the word ‘sounds’.
   
3. Led Zeppelin fans like to claim that the band wrote the book on rock and roll behaviour, meaning that between them they’re written one more book than they’ve actually read.
   
4. Jimmy Page was really into Satanism, making him just as cool and individual as a socially awkward, overweight, Dungeons and Dragons playing student.
   
5. Famously the band didn’t ‘do’ singles. Unfortunately they did ‘do’ albums. And overlong, bloated, solo packed, godawful albums at that.
   
6. A lead zeppelin is something which logically cannot exist. See also A Good Led Zeppelin Song.
   
7. Even in the seventies their hair was considered laughable.
   
8. Robert Plant’s face is often used as a practice surface by trainee geologists. They’re often amazed at what turns up in the cracks.
   
9. The drummer died. He was the lucky one.
   
10. Rolf Harris‘ cover of Stairway to Heaven shits on the original.

Labels: 10 Things, Led Zeppelin, Reunions

Amy Winehouse, who’s so determined to avoid fading away that she’s bypassing burning out and going straight to exploding like a flaming whisky barrel instead, is getting it from both sides at the moment, and we don’t just mean she’s taken to using both nostrils to simultaneously hoover up two lines of cocaine. No, instead we’re referring to the fact that both her dad and her mum-in-law have decided to weigh in and offer their opinions on what the ‘troubled’ - and there’s a euphemism if ever we heard one - star should do to sort her life out.

Her dad reckons that it’s no-one elses fault but her own, unsurprisingly taking a stance apart from the more conservative view that in situations like this the parents are to blame, and feels that until she accepts she’s got a problem there’s to a lot that can be done. It seems unlikely, however, that this will happen any time soon. She’s unable to accept there’s a problem with her teeth, let alone with the slightly more serious issues of her excessive intake. Her mum-in-law, however, takes a different view. And, obviously the best person to give advice is your mother in law, who is rarely, if ever, seen as a meddling influence in peoples’ lives. Her opinion is that it’s not Amy’s fault whatsoever, and is in fact the fault of those of us who have bought her records. Now, while many, many things can be blamed on people who have bought her records, mainly awful dinner parties, it seems somewhat churlish to blame Amy’s copious drug habit on the casual HMV customer. It’s a bit like the spurious arguments which blame the entirety of global terrorism on one customer buying a shonky DVD from a bloke at work. And besides, even if it were true, the mum in law’s solution, for everyone to stop buying Amy’s CDs so that she no longer has the cash to buy her drugs, doesn’t even work as every person who wants a copy of her album already has one! There are, at most, five people who are still considering purchasing it, and the only reason they haven’t as yet are because they spent Bank Holiday Monday watching the Dirty Pretty Things gig so haven’t exactly had the opportunity.

Amy herself has yet to comment on these things - not intelligently, anyway - but there are other ways which you could, if you’re so inclined, help Amy kick the habit. Here’s ten of them:-

1. Wait until a rare moment of sobriety and hit her with the revelation that she’s been so monged out of her brain that she’s married someone called Blake Civil-Fielder.
   
2. Play her Just Say No, No, No. A bootleg of her hit Rehab mixed with The Kids from Grange Hill.
   
3. Speak to her in a language she understands. Yiddish, perhaps.
   
4. Give all her local drug dealers copies of her CDs. Not so that they’ll recognise her and know not to sell to her, but in the hope they’ll try and make a bit of cash by flogging them off down the local pub instead.
   
5. Lock her in a studio with no outside influences and let her go cold turkey. Of course, the downside of this is that she’ll likely record another album while she’s there.
   
6. Point out that drugs aren’t cool. Use the examples of Justin Hawkins and Blokey From Keane if she needs convincing.
   
7. Cut her coke with washing powder, which will clean up her insides if nothing else.
   
8. Help her work her way up to kicking the habit by giving her some small things to kick to start with, before slowly working up to bigger, more difficult things. We’d start with kittens ourselves.
   
9. Instead of giving her awards, give her shots of methadone instead.
   
10. Demand she goes to rehab, and to hell with whatever response she gives.

Labels: 10 Things, Amy Winehouse, Drugs

We're keeping with the Live Earth theme this week by being green and, umm, recycling some old ideas. Some of you might be off to T in the Park this weekend, a festival that never seems to bother trying too hard with it's line up, assuming, and not entirely unreasonably, that the audience is far more interested in downing vast quantities of lager and chanting the "der-der-der" bit of Chelsea Dagger for the entire two days than actually seeing some bands, but if you do mange to avoid the temptations of overpriced unpleasant lager and actually try and catch some of the acts playing, here are ten who you might well be down the front for:-

1. The Killers - Despite being the sort of band who you might go and see on a wet Thursday if there's no-one else interesting playing that night, the Killers are headlining on the Saturday night. This might lead you to believe that there's a paucity of talent booked for the event and, given that the Sunday headliners are excitement free yawnsmiths, Snow Patrol you'd be entirely right.
   
2. Paolo Nutini - A few months ago Paolo was accused by an angry audience of being drunk on stage and not giving a good performance. Putting aside for the moment the question of "How on earth would you know?!", if we had to go on stage and sing Paolo Nutini songs we'd be getting absolutely hammered before we went on too in a vain attempt to dampen the shame.
   
3. Lily Allen - She's going to be appearing on the special Friday night line-up, only available to those who are camping on the site. As if sleeping in a tent and not being able to wash properly wasn't unpleasant enough, they feel the need to make the whole experience even more miserable.
   
4. Jamie T - As part of his deal, Jamie will be changing the words of his hit, Sheila to mention the festival's sponsor instead of Stella. He doesn't have a rhyme for Tennants yet, but this handicap has never stopped him in the past.
   
5. CSS - Which stands for "Tired of Being Sexy", apparently. We mention this here as we've already used our "Brazil-iant" joke yesterday and we needed something to fill the space. They are ace, though.
   
6. Ocean Colour Scene - And James, for that matter. Because apparently T in the Park has fallen through a wormhole and ended up in the mid nineties. Even the Goo Goo Dolls are playing FFS.
   
7. Brian Wilson - Any vibrations he picks up will be caused by the pitter-patter-splosh of festival goers vomiting the days alcoholic intake at the side of the stage and so are unlikely to be good in any possible interpretation of the term.
   
8. Mika - At the current rate, interest in Mika will vanish roughly halfway through his set, at exactly the point he strikes up his fifth song about how he just wants people to like him. How ironic. No, ironic's not the right word. Excellent, that's it. Excellent.
   
9. The Editors - Apparently the most depressing thing they ever saw was smokers outside the hospital. If this really is the case then they either need to get out more and start seeing some genuinely depressing things or start writing happy-go-lucky songs about butterflies and pixies which would clearly be a bit more up their alley.
   
10. Avril Lavigne - Have we mentioned recently how much we love Avril? We have? Oh...

Labels: 10 Things, Festivals, Line Up, T in the Park

Despite no-one asking for this to happen or, unless you're a particularly unimaginative compiler of an 'Anthem' themed compilation - or to put it another way, a compiler of an 'Anthem' themed compilation - anyone given them even a second's thought in the last five years, The Verve are back together again, romping - this may not be the best choice of word - around the country for a short tour as they test the waters for potential interest in a comeback album give the fans a chance to see the band one more time. Oh, and try and steal a march on the slightly more interesting news of the Spice Girls reunion tomorrow. Still, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the band. Some days we really don't try, do we?

1. After filming the famous video for Bitter Sweet Symphony where he walks down the road, banging into passersby, Richard was promptly set upon and violently beaten up. Not by the victims of his aggressive swagger, they were merely extras and happy to get the £50, but instead by the crew, who had been forced to listen to the song on repeat for the entirety of the shoot and were, understandably, a bit narked by this state of affairs.
   
2. Contrary to their claim, the drugs do work. Indeed, many drugs that you buy from dodgy blokes in nightclubs are remarkably proficient at clearing up your headache. And very little else.
   
3. Richard always wore shades because he has snakes where his eyes should be. Which makes photoshoots a little bit awkward.
   
4. Cats in bags rarely wait to drown. Generally they fight like billy-o and you have to give them a good few knocks with your half brick before they even begin to calm down. Umm, we'd imagine.
   
5. When he went solo, Richard Ashcroft's first single was called Song for the Lovers, which made people up and down the country glad that they were single.
   
6. This is Music was the title of an early single, and it was. Though only just.
   
7. The Verve came from Wigan, home of famous meat pies. The locals are understandably more proud of the latter than the former.
   
8. They originally started out as Verve, only adding the 'The' to avoid confusion, and a legal battle, with an American record label. This desire to avoid confusion explains why they weren't called The Dull, Pointless, Embarrassingly Pseudo-Mystical Awful Brothers
   
9. During Live 8, Chris Martin claimed that Richard was the best singer in the world, proving conclusively that his ignorance of what sounds good extends well beyond his own band's back catalogue.
   
10. We're not sure why he insisted on calling himself Richard. He always seemed more like a Dick to us.

Labels: 10 Things, Richard Ashcroft, The Verve

If you're going to Glastonbury this weekend it seems likely that you're spending too much time wondering exactly how much of your leg you're going to lose to trench foot and how unpleasant the bus journey home will be when you're suffering from an extreme dose of dysentery to bother worrying about exactly what bands you're going to go and see. Fear not, here are ten of the acts you might catch if you're lucky/unlucky (delete as applicable) enough to be in the vicinity at the right time:-

1. Shirley Bassey - Taking on the Living Legend slot, also known as the Radio 2 Are Broadcasting From Here As Well So We Might As Well Give Them Something, Shirley will be performing the full gamut of her hits. From Big Spender to Goldfinger, to all the other ones that sound a bit like a cheap knock off of Goldfinger, she'll provide the sort of entertainment that can only truly be described as 'adequate'. It's probably the only chance you'll get to see someone wearing an evening dress for thier performance, though. Not unless the Arctic Monkeys make an attempt at stagecraft for the first time in their entirely unwarranted career.
   
2. The Fratellis - You may or may not see The Fratellis in person, but it doesn't really matter as every single night the campsite will ring out with the atonal sounds of drunken lads singing the "Der. Der-der-der. Der-der-der. Der-der-der-de-der-der." riff from Chelsea Dagger on a pretty much constant basis. The sound not only haunting your festival experience, but also your waking thoughts for the remainder of your life.
   
3. The Pipettes - We hope to God that they team their dresses with polka-dotted wellies and have some flunkies to run after them, protecting their hair with polka-dotted umbrellas. It's the least they deserve.
   
4. The Wurzells - Except you can't see them any more as they've cancelled, upset at their low placing in the running order. Although it's not quite clear where in the line-up they genuinely expected to be placed. Either way, it's estimated that this announcement has led to 61% of punters with valid tickets enquiring about the possibility of getting their money back.
   
5. The Saturday Night Main Stage Running Order of Lily Allen, followed by Paolo Nutini, followed by Paul Weller, followed by The Kooks - "The photocard system we've introduced has been pretty good at beating the touts but the real success story in that regard has been this part of the bill. No-one's going to pay over the odds to see that sort of crap. They'd have more watching some of my cows dropping a turd over in the next field.", said Glastonbury organiser Michael Eavis of this line-up. In a Somerset accent.
   
6. The Automatic - Who have been given a remarkably long slot given that Monster's running time is only 3:41. Maybe they're going to do some jokes, also known as the rest of The Automatic's album.
   
7. Mika - Because regardless of whether you find his music entertaining or not - and we do, regardless of the stigma this puts upon us, think that Grace Kelly is rather ace - there will be a lot of joy to be had when his hairstyle collapses with the weight of raindrops.
   
8. The View - Who, as they perform their cover of Brimful of Asha, known as Same Jeans for reasons best known to their copyright lawyer, will no spark their fans into chanting, as they invariably do, "The View, The View, The View are on fire". We wouldn't piss on them even if they had flames reaching up to their earlobes.
   
9. Hard-Fi - Are performing a secret gig on the Saturday night. Presumably on the not unreasonable supposition that as they they'll pull a bigger crowd if people don't know Hard-Fi are playing as opposed to if they do.
   
10. Billy Bragg - Because they don't actually let you leave the site unless you can prove you've seen him.

Labels: 10 Things, Festivals, Glastonbury, Line Up

Calvin Harris' new album I Created Disco - a lie if ever we heard one. As anyone who's read his autobiography knows, it was Pete Waterman who invented Disco, along with submarines, sliced bread and the Tyrannosaurus Rex - is out this week. Our copy hasn't arrived yet, so we can't actually tell you anything about it, but we're sure it's pretty good. Acceptable in the Eighties was his first big hit and, as the proverb goes, the past is like a foreign country; you can't go there without getting the proper immunisation documents, so what was acceptable in the eighties isn't necessarily a goer now. Here, somewhat predictably, are ten examples:-

1. George Michael - In the eighties George bestrode the pop world like a hairy, defiantly heterosexual collossus, tossing off pop hits with the same sort of ease that he would later toss off policemen in public toilets. Nowadays he can't even hit the barn door of public opinion with an anti-Bush record and, while he can sell out Wembley, his only recent hits have been that betwixt his car and a tree. And to think they jailed Paris while letting him walk free. Where's the justice?!
   
2. Rubik's Cubes - All the rage back in the day, fortunately now, unlike then, people have, y'know, things to actually do, so they're not as popular as they once were.
   
3. Legwarmers - Since the eighties people have since discovered the existence of 'tights' and so no longer need these ridiculous garments. Although they have recently forgotten the 'foot' part of said tights, something which somehow convinces the wearers that they're not actually wearing leggings. The deluded fools.
   
4. Thatcher - Back then Thatcher was an all powerful figure, ruling the country with an iron fist whose every pronouncement could shake the very world itself. Nowadays she's just a bogeyman like creature, used to frighten children into eating their vegetables.
   
5. Fame - Not the seeking of it, but the musical. In those days people liked nothing more than watching the dramatised antics of a bunch of self-obsessed, obnoxious, unlikeable young people whose only aim in life was to be a celebrity. Those days, thankfully, have long gone. Apropos of nothing, how much of a bitch is Charley being to Chanelle? Boo, hiss!
   
6. Writing the Number '8' at the Start of Years - Something which is unlikely to come back into fashion until 2080 at the earliest.
   
7. CFC's - Before we knew that we were single handedly destroying the planet, every single thing in the world contained the ozone layer destroying CFC's, aerosols, fridges, flip flops and whales, they all contained CFC's. Fortunately the Japanese and the Eskimos have dealt with the whale problem, and the others were dealt with via the government so we don't have anything to worry about now. Phew! That's not a phew of relief by the way, that's a "Phew, it's getting hot in here" phew.
   
8. Video - In the Olden Days films came on this format and didn't come laden to the brim with directors commentaries, deleted scenes, making of documentaries and other bonus features. Given that the average DVD now takes roughly five weeks to watch in it's entirety, there are many that would say those were better days.
   
9. Hair Metal - A mainstay of the eighties charts, it now only exists in an ironic form in Top Shop t-shirt rails. A blessing.
   
10. Top of the Pops - Actually, they should bring this back :(

Labels: 10 Things, Calvin Harris, Eighties

With both the Isle of White Festival and Download kicking off this weekend, it's safe to say that the festival season is now in full swing. More so if you're planning on going to the Big Band Weekend in Bolton. If you are going to any of the big events this summer then we're sure you'll have an ace time - unless, of course, you're going to Download, in which case the exact opposite is in store - but bad times are possible at these things. To give you an example, we were at Reading one year and saw Cast do a set. We've never been the same since. To help you get the most out of the experience here are ten entirely useful and in no way facetious tips on festival survival:-

1. Don't bother camping unless you really can't help it. If God had intended us to spend our nights asleep in tents he wouldn't have invented builders, architects, or the Travelodge chain.
   
2. If you simply must do the canvas thing, don't worry too much about remembering which tent is yours. Odds are someone else will have a much better tend than yours so you're better off just claiming that and arguing the case if the rightful owners turn up. Given that all tents look largely the same, this is unlikely.
   
3. At festivals you will make many new and exciting friends who, at three in the morning, will seem like the greatest people you've ever met and you'll wonder how you ever managed to get along with out their insights and hilarious antics. Do not, whatever you do, give them any sort of contact details, as in the cold light of day you will never ever want to speak to them again. If, on the other hand, you do want to make contact with them, then you are the sort of person who they will never ever want to speak to again.
   
4. Unless you bring your own, don't bother taking any drugs. Not unless you have a burning desire to spend all your money on some paracetamol, some brown powder that smells suspiciously like gravy, and some moss scraped off of a nearby tree. Oh, and you have a burning desire to feel like your entire body is burning.
   
5. Try not to eat or drink anything over the weekend. If you do you'll only need to go to the toilet and that's really not a good idea. If you feel the need to consume or hydrate yourself in some way, wash it down with that Silica Gel that they use in shoe boxes to absorb moisture. It's probably not poisonous.
   
6. As you queue for the showers, try not to think about how many people with verrucas have used them before you. Or how many people have decided to indulge their time management skills by peeing in there at the same time. Instead try thinking about how, if you don't bother cleaning your bits, easy it'll be to get a seat to yourself on the bus back home if you stink to high heaven and appear to be 73% mud.
   
7. You will meet some hippies. This is unavoidable, but just remember that they're more scared of you than you are of them.
   
8. It is perfectly legal to punch anyone you see wearing an oversized novelty hat of some description. As John Reid himself said as he introduced the law, "It's the only way they'll learn".
   
9. Instead of bringing food, clothes, provisions, wash stuff or anything else you might think will come in useful, instead fill your rucksack with as many wellies as you can cram in. If it rains then they'll pay for themselves thirty times over. If it doesn't then you can use them as weapons to intimidate other people into giving you the food, clothes, provisions, wash stuff and anything else that will come in useful.
   
10. Oh, and try and see some bands. You might as well, really, while you're there.

Labels: 10 Things, Festivals

Big Brother kicks off tonight and the only televisual event which we'd find more exciting would be the long awaited announcement that they're finally going to make a new series of The Glam Metal Detectives. As always our favourites in the house will largely be ranked in order of prettiness as we are incredibly shallow but we're sure there'll be much to love and hate with this year's new intake. Mainly hate, if we're perfectly honest. Anyway, the country's most famous House has not been without it's share of musical connections, so here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about that very theme:-

1. As it was the first series and you could still get away with that sort of thing, both BB winner Craig and BB loser Nichola released singles once they left the house, but given the total sales achieved by each track, the exact same effect could have been achieved by not releasing the singles, something which most people in Britain believe to have happened.
   
2. Chantelle's fake band Kandyfloss was not the first time such a stunt had appeared in Celebrity Big Brother. In a previous series young unknown Kenzie had to try and convince his fellow housemates that he was the member of a band called Blazin' Squad. Unlike with Chantelle, of course, the housemates failed to fall for this transparent lie.
   
3. Last year's winner Pete Bennett is currently working with Guy Chambers on his own musical career. Sorry, we've got that wrong, that should read "Last year's winner Pete Bennett is currently working with a guy in the legal chambers as he appeals against the suspension of his housing benefit.
   
4. Big Brother 3 winner Kate is currently helping make ends meet by doing DJ work in clubs. Apparently if she carries the record boxes in for the DJ he'll give her a couple of free drinks vouchers, which can really make a difference when it's still a couple of days before your dole money arrives.
   
5. Following the trend, Big Brother 6 winner Nadia released a single in an attempt to cash in on the novelty Christmas market. It was a cover of Shania Twain's Man, I Feel Like a Woman.
   
6. Big Brother 7 winner, Antony has also, in a bid to ditch the 'being gay' rumours which have followed him around since leaving the house, will also be releasing an album. It's a collection of covers which he's chosen in an attempt to show the world that he's just who he is and has come through the allegations and untruths about him with his head held high, including such anthems as I Will Survive, Macho Man and I Am What I Am, this should finally prove his heterosexuality to an unconvinced world.
   
7. Hard Fi's Stars of CCTV is a concept album about the Big Brother experience, it's lyrical heart laced liberally with Richard's bitterness about failing to impress at the auditions.
   
8. Paul Oakenfold and Andy Gray, writers of the Big Brother theme, use the royalties they receive each year to buy at least two massive yachts, a canal boat sized Bounty bar and a Bounty bar sized canal boat each.
   
9. At some point during the series, the housemates will be asked to write a song about their experiences on the show. In terms of cultural and artistic relevance, this is roughly up there with asking a six year old child to draw a picture representing what they did on their summer holidays. The latter, however, is generally a bit more coherent.
   
10. Big Brother by Girls Aloud, of course, is really rather ace.

Labels: 10 Things, Big Brother

Volta, the new album by clinically sane popstar Bjork is out in the usual outlets now. Although Bjork herself is not in the usual outfits, preferring instead to dress up as some strange multi-coloured chicken/beer bottle hybrid. This probably Means Something, but as we only got a 3 in Standard Grade art it's gone straight over our heads, but we're sure it's all good. The album certainly is, so to celebrate here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the slightly random Icelandic popstar. Who wants to take bets as to how long it'll take us to make the cliched and entirely unjustified observation that when she sings she sounds a bit like a fax machine?

1. When Bjork sings she sounds a bit like a fax machine.
   
2. She's from Iceland. Other things from Iceland include the hopeless fight against childhood obesity that is LazyTown, geothermal spas and a wide variety of cheap frozen products that keep Kerry Katona dining like a princess. Albeit one who, rather than feeling a pea through a thousand mattresses, can pee through them instead. Soaked through, apparently.
   
3. She used to sing in The Sugarcubes, whose single Hit, was. Similarly, her own debut single, Ooops, was a bit of a mistake.
   
4. She spends the vast majority of her waking life in preparation for the worldwide fancy dress party which she's convinced is just around the corner. So far she's been painfully disappointed.
   
5. Part of the promotional campaign for Venus as a Boy involved painting a moustache on the Venus de Milo in the Louvre. This was frowned upon by the French authorities, who were big Einar fans.
   
6. For one of her videos, Bjork famously turned herself into a sensual robot, who was then struck by lightning, gained sentience before heading off on a series of hilarious adventures as she tried to hide from the American military who were determined to bring her back under their jurisdiction. This, of course, was from the gorgeous song, All is Full of Jonny Five.
   
7. Bjork's Pork was one of the less successful business ventures she's lent her name and image to, failing to reach the giddy heights of the Bjork's Corks range of novelty wine bottle stoppers.
   
8. Not only did It's Oh So Quiet earn Bjork the biggest hit of her career, it also awarded her two Brit Awards and an ASBO.
   
9. We have, as is transparently obvious, no idea how to add an umlaut onto the 'o' in Bjork. Oh well!
   
10. Seriously, Earth Intruders is one of the best things we've heard in years. And bear in mind that we've spent a large part of the last few years listening to Girls Aloud and Daphne and Celeste so that's high praise indeed.

Labels: 10 Things, Bjork

The Manic Street Preachers are back! Not only did they nearly get to number one at the weekend, but they've come back with an album that's nearly as good as what they used to do. To celebrate here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the band that might nearly be amusing:-

1. James Dean Bradfield has recently concluded his mission to eat every single meat and pastry product in the world. When asked why he attempted this feat he replied explaining that it was so that when anyone ever asked him again "Who ate all the pies?" he would be able to reply, with no small measure of pride in his voice, "I did. I ate all the pies".
   
2. Despite their well-read, literary reputation, Nicky Wire only owns one book; The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations.
   
3. In reality, motorcycles aren't empty. They're actually full of the metal bits which make it go.
   
4. Sean Moore collects gadgets. This might not seem very interesting, but bear in mind that he is the drummer, so we've got to take what we can.
   
5. The novelisation of their Holy Bible album is somewhat disappointing and appears to bear little or no relevance to the original piece.
   
6. Before settling down to start work on the new album, James and Nicky decided to try their hands at bird rearing. Nicky brought his dove round to James' flat but, no matter how hard they tried, the bird simply wouldn't breed. Exasperated, Sean eventually tried to explain to them what the problem was: "Nicky", he began, in a polite yet terse manner, "Your dove alone is not enough".
   
7. Due to continual shoplifting, all the Manics are banned from being within a 25 metre radius of the No. 7 make-up counter in all branches of Boots nationwide.
   
8. Libraries don't give us power. They give us books. Which do, admittedly, burn quite well.
   
9. Richey James Edwards has held the title of Welsh Hide and Seek Champion since 1995 and shows no signs whatsoever of giving up his title. Or, indeed, any signs full stop.
   
10. You Stole The Sun From My Heart really is the absolute nadir of their career.

Labels: 10 Things, Manic Street Preachers

Former Sugababe, current ginger and generally ace person, Siobhan Donaghy is back! And new single Don't Give it Up, from the forthcoming album Ghosts, is really rather brilliant, not that you'd know though, given the reluctance of radio to play it or, indeed, people to actually go out and buy it. This is a shame, and it's hardly Siobhan's fault as not only has she released said amazing tune, but she's also been turning up pretty much everywhere doing interviews which largely seem to revolve around her being forced to point out how unbothered she is by the Sugababes's success and how glad she is to be out of it. To celebrate, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up examples of the sort of things she definitely doesn't do because her former bandmates' gold disc based lifestyle in no way bothers her:-

1. Goes into record shops and moves all the Sugababe CDs bar One Touch to the back of the racks.
   
2. Regularly posts on Sugababes messageboards under the username SugaBitchesSuck
   
3. Defaces posters of the band around London town, with particular attention being paid to Heidi's image.
   
4. Hangs around outside trendy London bars, loudly dissing the girls whenever someone who looks vaguely influential walks past.
   
5. Switches the radio off whenever Red Dress comes on.
   
6. Refuses MySpace Friend Requests from anyone who has the Sugababes in their Top 8.
   
7. Sworn never again to eat anything containing either sugar or babies.
   
8. Laughed for a solid hour when she heard the news that Mutya had been pushed out of the band as well.
   
9. Books up the entire front row of Sugababe gigs so that she and her friends can sit there and boo solidly for the entire ninety minutes.
   
10. Phones Keisha on a daily basis laughing and saying "You'll be next... you'll be next!".

Labels: 10 Things, Siobhan Donaghy, Sugababes

Pink has a new single coming out soon - no, you probably don't need us to tell you what it sounds like, you can probably guess - and she's also about to release a DVD called U + Ur Hand which features, from Wembley, live versions of all your favourite Pink tracks. And Trouble's probably on there as well. To celebrate, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the world's favourite pseudo lesbian:-

1. Don't Let Me Get ME was written about her all consuming fear of catching the so called 'Yuppie flu'.
   
2. Shirley Bassey's cover of Get The Party Started is the first time an A-List diva has covered a song proclaiming the virtues of mind bending blood boiling rave drug Ecstasy. Apart from Vera Lynn's cover of The Shamen's Ebeneezer Goode, of course.
   
3. Pink's name comes from the person whose personality most matches her own; a sort of washed out Red from The Fraggles.
   
4. It's still the most feminine thing about her, mind.
   
5. Shakin' Stevens once covered Trouble for the rubbish ITV reality show, Hit Me Baby One More Time. Amazingly, he managed to make it sound better than the original.
   
6. Actually, given the poor quality of the original, that's really not that amazing after all, is it?
   
7. God is a DJ declared Pink in her number 11 hit of the same name. If this is the case then why are so many city centre nightclubs the exact definition of hell?
   
8. Feel Good Time was the lead song from the Charlies Angels 2 soundtrack. Being chosen to write the theme song for such an epoch defining movie is an honour akin to being asked to do the theme to Porky's 2: The Next Day.
   
9. She's worth 6 points in a game of snooker.
   
10. Pink Sunshine by We've Got a Fuzzbox and We're Gonna Use It is the best Pink song.

Labels: 10 Things, Pink

Former Sk8r Girl Avril Lavigne is back! And, along with the tomboy look, she's also ditched the sulkpop of previous albums and has returned with a full on blast of bubblegum, shouty, Toni Basil-iant piece of pop genius - and the word 'genius' is certainly not one we bandy about so often that we've rendered it entirely meaningless - in the shape of Girlfriend How fantastic! To celebrate here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about pop's moodiest little madam:-

1. Obsessed by tubers from a young age, Avril once spent an enjoyable summer carving a model man entirely from mashed tatties. This was immortalised in her early hit, Pot8er Boi.
   
2. Like Alanis Morrisette, Mike Myers and an overwhelming sense of moral and social superiority over your neighbours, Avril Lavigne is Canadian.
   
3. Despite her claims that her new found feminine image and current fondness for skirts is entirely down to her, in actual fact it's a result of Avril's mum finally putting her foot down and demanding that she start "dressing like a young lady" as she's "embarrassed being seen out with her dressed like that".
   
4. Avril's hair is now so straight that she donates large chunks of it to impoverished schools in the third world so that, despite lacking many pieces of essential equipment, they do at least have access to a ruler substitute.
   
5. Despite her fame, Avril found that her sulky teen image led people to treat her with a lack of respect and disdain, a treatment which was entirely out of sync with her celebrity and influence. Even doormen at top hotels would refuse to do their duty for her, happily letting the doors slam back and hit her on her arse. It was this experience that led her both to write He Wasn't and stop entering top hotels shouting the phrase "I can buy you, eh" at all members of staff while simultaneous giving them the finger.
   
6. Avril's Happy Ending turned out to be getting married to Derek Whibley from out of Sum 41. Prior to this Fat Lip was the best thing that he'd ever done.
   
7. It's not only her boyfriend that Avril considers to be Complicated, she also has problems with Rubik Cubes, translating the London Underground map into real world situations and doors marked with the legend 'Pull'.
   
8. Dyslexic fans often find themselves disappointed when they turn up at Italian restaurants expecting to see a gig from their favourite popstar, only to find out that the only thing on offer is actually lasagne.
   
9. She's so tiny that, rather than going to the expense of hiring a private jet, Avril flies to every gig on the back of a friendly bumble bee and her rider consists of nothing more than a thimblefull of milk and a handful of cake crumbs.
   
10. Seriously, Girlfriend is all kinds of aceness. Go buy, go buy!

Labels: 10 Things, Avril Lavigne

Elton John turned sixty at the weekend and, with the sort of low key understatement for which he has become famed, decided to celebrate the fact that he managed to avoid dying for a further 365 days by having three lavish parties over the space of a fortnight, culminating in a massive gig in Madison Square Gardens with all his celebrity friends in attendance where he was introduced by the former President of the United States, Bill Clinton. This makes our 'going to the pub with friends and having a few drinks' plan seem somewhat tame. To celebrate here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the world's favourite flamboyant frontman:-

1. Elton used to spend £293,000 on flowers. The lengths some people will go to to spend a night with the dapper Killers frontman.
   
2. Elton loves nothing more than bathing his partner David Furnish in a popular brand of moisturising body wash. As he lovingly runs the bath and lathers up he always turns to David and asks "Are you ready? Are you ready for Dove?"
   
3. Despite writing the music, Elton famously leaves the lyric writing to Bernie Taupin. This is because Elton is, like Shakira, actually from Columbia and only has a rudimentary grasp of written English.
   
4. Candle in the Wind '97 is the biggest selling single of all time. Despite this you stand more chance of finding someone who will proudly admit to a Nazi past than you will finding a single person who will openly admit to having purchased the godawful slice of mawkish embarrassment.
   
5. Despite what you may have been led to believe, Crocodiles rarely rock, often doing nothing more enthusiastic than snapping fingers in time to the tune. Though whether they have fingers to snap largely depends on whether anyone's been foolish enough to put their hands near the crocodile's mouth recently.
   
6. Elton wrote the music for Disney's The Lion King, but turned down the opportunity to do the soundtrack for the sequels, The Pony Prince, The Monkey Marquess and The One Hundred and Ninety Second in Line to the Throne Ostrich.
   
7. For most people 'Sorry' is the hardest word. Unless you're Jonathan Ross, in which case it's 'Raspberry'.
   
8. Rocket Man was written about Melchester Rovers' star Roy Race, whose famous 'rocket' shot would invariably win the game in every single edition of Roy of the Rovers magazine. Elton's adoration of the clearly fictional man led to his chairmanship at Watford Football Club, leaving only when the rest of the staff eventually convinced him that it was unlikely they would ever play Melchester Rovers, let alone sign either Roy, or his similarly gifted son, Ray Race to the side.
   
9. Elton is well known for his unusual taste in clothes. This is because at birth he was bitten by a radioactive magpie, which left him particularly vulnerable to the delights of shiny, sparkly clothes. And a tendency to shit on car roofs.
   
10. Happy Birthday, Reg.

Labels: 10 Things, Elton John

Christina Aguilera's cover of the Top Cat theme, also known as her new single Candyman, is all over the radio like a rash right now, which is appropriate enough, really, given that it's quite easy to imagine Christina being a bit itchy in a private area. To celebrate this, here are ten actually true facts about Christina, which we're taking from a set of Christina Aguilera trading cards which we bought a couple of years ago and were clearly rush released at the time of her first album, featuring, as they do, 45 pictures of Christina which vary only slightly and a variety of biographical details, trivia and, umm, quiz questions about the pop star who wasn't even dirty, let alone dirrrty at the time. We've added some commentary of our own in italics:-

1. 
   
2. "Loyal to her legions of fans, Christina is moved by the overwhelming response to her music, particularly when she recieves hearfelt, grateful letters from young people she has touched or inspired" - Michael Jackson, of course, is less moved when he recieves letters from youung people he has touched.
   
3. "Amazingly, though she posesses one of the most powerful vocal instruments in today's pop music industry, Christina never had a voice lesson until she was 17 years old and had been selected to record Reflection for the Mulan soundtrack." - She then, of course, went from Mulan to the Moulin Rouge, which doesn't have as much of a moral to it as the Disney 'classic'. Ironically, though, while she recorded a song called reflection for Mulan, when she recorded Lady Marmalade for the Moulin Rouge soundtrack they didn't even let her anywhere near a mirror, hence the hilarious look she sported in that video.
   
4. "Despite the demands of her first promotional tour and being constantly hounded by fans and the press, Christina remained remarkably optimistic about the pressures of newfound fame, saying that she was exactly where she always wanted to be and was enjoying herself!" - Yes, there must be nothing more life affirming than having to spend every day putting up with hundreds of idiots coming up to you and going "Umm, Hi, I think you're dead pretty". Nowadays, of course, she has to deal with mothers coming up to her and going "Put your jacket on, you'll catch your death, you're not going out like that".
   
5. "With the staggering success of her debut album, Christina became a 1999 media sensation, landing in the pages of such diverse publications as Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, People, Spin, Seventeen and YM." - Pop star appears in magazines about pop shocker. Incidentally we spent $5 on these cards and firmly believe it was money well spent.
   
6. "Christina's proud and supportive mom, Shelly, oversees her offical fan club. The young superstar herself enjoys occasional visits to the dozens of Christina websites that have sprung up on the internet in the wake of her success!" - It is unrecorded whether she equally enjoyed seeing the dozens of fake Christina nudes that sprung up on the internet in the wake of her success.
   
7. "Unlike many other solo female artists who perform to recorded tracks, Christina prefers to be backed by a live band at concert appearences, the better to draw the audience into the moment - and enhance her staggering vocal range!" - Or in other words, "In your face, Britney!"
   
8. "Though she comes across as bubbly and confident in interviews, Christina considers herself a different person in private. A closet introvert, she cherishes time alone - particularly now that she has been catapulted into the limelight" - And it's good to see that, as her fame grew and her power along with it, she took the opportunity to present that more introverted side to the camera more often. Well, we certainly got to see more of the private parts of her, anyway.
   
9. "With a television series and a No. 1 album to her credit, Christina has yet to fulfill another lofty ambition: acting on the big screen. She has considered - and passed on - several movie roles, but when the right part comes along, you can bet she'll grab it!" - And who on earth would have thought that the right role would turn out to be an uncredited appearence as a jellyfish in the Finding Nemo rip-off, A Shark's Tale. Not us, that's for sure!
   
10. "Though she's dated on and off throughout her teen years, Christina has yet to find a special someone with whom she can share a long term relationship. She claims that her favourite thing on a date is to go to a museum. Are you listening, eligible guys?" - Nowadays, of course, the only way a date to a museum is likely to keep Christina interested is if it ends with her being banged up against the mummified remains of an Egyptian pharoah. Bless.

Labels: 10 Things, Christina Aguilera

We're off to Stockholm tomorrow for Melodifestivalen. How exciting! We've been spending most of the last few weeks earnestly practicing our Swedish in preparation, though as our definition of "earnestly" begins and ends with "watching a few Muppet Show episodes", we're currently holding firm to the belief that the language is mainly based around variations on the word 'Bork'. To celebrate us buggering off on holiday, here's ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about Swedish Pop:-

1. ABBA famously took their name from the initials of the band members. It runs Attractive, Beard, Beard, Attractive, referring to the members, Agnetha, Björn, Anni-Frid and Benny respectively.
   
2. Roxette's It Must Have Been Love was written after Per and Marie had a heated argument about which band released the Forever Changes album.
   
3. Despite hitting number one, most copies of Europe's The Final Countdown, most copies of the single were returned to the point of purchase, with angry consumers demanding to know why there was such a glaring misspelling in the song's name.
   
4. Despite what they claim, The Cardigans weren't the first band on the moon. That was The Police, who were walking on the moon in 1979, a full 17 years before Nina and the blokes in the background made their fraudulent claim.
   
5. In reality, Crying at the Discotheque is unlikely to be soundtracked by the pop genius of Alcazar, but instead with the concerned and pitying murmurings of other people in the nightclub before this is drowned out by the angry voice of the bouncer demanding you leave as you're putting the other punters off their drinks.
   
6. Ace of Base saw The Sign. Unfortunately for them the sign said "Warning: Career stops abruptly. End of nineties imminent".
   
7. The Hives garnered many compliments for all wearing exactly the same clothes. For some reason this is seen as being incredibly cool if you're in an indie band, but if you're in Steps it seems to lose a certain kudos.
   
8. Max Martin makes remarkable pop music for someone whose name sounds like a brand of dog food.
   
9. A*Teens were forced to split up in 2004 after someone realised that A*Adults was a name which wouldn't look very good on a t-shirt.
   
10. The Dancing DJs' remix of Roxette's Fading Like a Flower was sorely underrated.

Labels: 10 Things, eurovision, Sweden, Swedish Pop

First Lady of pop and a woman so posh she pays someone else to go to the toilet for her, Sophie Ellis-Bextor is back with Catch You, the sort of pop fabulous tune which we felt sure existed only in our dreams. It's ace, as is she, so to celebrate here are ten entirely true and in no way made-up facts about the rightful heir to the British throne:-

1. It's well known that Sophie's Mum is Janet Ellis, from out of Blue Peter, but what is less well known is that her dad is Bextor, a hyper-intelligent feline alien from the planet Extron. This explains her slightly unusual features and fondness for burying her feces in a secluded corner of the garden.
   
2. Sophie longs for the day that a long running series of shootings takes place in the nightclubs of the United Kingdom so that she can sit back and relax as the royalties role in as Murder on the Dancefloor soundtracks every news bulletin on the event.
   
3. She first found fame in indie types Theaudience, a band who avoided spaces between words almost as resolutely as they avoided chart success and a place in the nation's hearts.
   
4. Her first track on which she sang solo was Spiller's Groovejet. Call us old fashioned, but we'd prefer any jet that we were flying on not to be piloted by someone who's up to their eyeballs in mindbending, blood boiling drugs. We're not even comfortable about them drinking coffee, frankly.
   
5. Catch You was inspired by the time Sophie finally managed to eat a power-pill while playing Pac Man, thus finally allowing her to turn the tables on those pesky ghosts.
   
6. The Music Gets the Best of Me. This was not, perhaps, the wisest record deal The Music could have struck, particularly as she hasn't even released a best of yet.
   
7. After Theaudience split up, Sophie turned to modelling to help make ends meet. Her most lucrative role was that of "Rhombus" in a secondary school maths textbook.
   
8. Ellis Island in New York is no longer a major tourist attraction because of the former immigration centre there, but for the Sophie Theme Park which now takes up most of the space. The Mixed Up World hall of mirrors comes highly recommended.
   
9. Sophie owns more dresses than she's had hot dinners. Mind you, she's not had a lot of hot dinners, thus allowing her to fit into all those dresses.
   
10. And she's a lot prettier in real life than she looks in photos. Sigh, etc.

Labels: 10 Things, Sophie Ellis Bextor