Well if we don't mention it, no-one else is likely to. Happy Birthday Nic! May you get the best present you could ever wish for, namely the death of Chris Moyles in a painful, unpleasant way. Possibly involving cacti.

We hope you're well. We're fine and are currently ridiculously obsessed with the Ting Tings. Thank you.

Labels: Birthdays, Girls Aloud, Nicola Roberts, Ting Tings

Our look at Saturday’s X Factor is on its way but, as is pretty obvious and, indeed, regular, we’ve been overcome by a bout of laziness, but we have a good reason, and it’s not just that we’ve become addicted to the reruns of Whose Line is it Anyway on Dave, although that is a factor. No, instead it’s because we’ve recently got ourselves a guitar, with the sole intention of having some indie style hits. Well, we’ve heard the Enemy’s album so really, how hard can it be?

It’s a slightly bigger task than you might expect, so we’ve set ourselves the goal of learning The View‘s Same Jeans by Christmas time, after which we’ll change not a note of it, sing some slightly different words over it, claim it as an original song and we should easily get a top three hit out of it. It’s only fair, it is what they did to Cornershop‘s Brimful of Asha to get their hit, after all.

Our education is going well, though, our first song, currently entitled One Badly Played Chord is already better than anything The Pigeon Detectives have ever released. Certainly the adulation we’re receiving from our neighbours, who constantly bang on our flat’s walls in appreciation of our music, is giving us encouragement to keep going, although we do wish they’d wait until we finished playing before they offered up their applause substitute.

Giving that we now plan on living each day of our life like an international pop star, we’ve been taking an even closer interest in the charts and new release schedule than normal, and it’s safe to say that upcoming competition is pretty lacking. The biggest one is probably the new Spice Girls‘ track which is even more half arsed and unimaginative that we’d even dared to think. It’s for charity as well, so we can only feel sorry for the children in whose name this is being released.

Chico also crawled out from whatever rock he’s been lurking under to release Curvy Cola Bottle Body, a track which has caused the people behind the Oxford English Dictionary to order a mass recall of their reference work as they’re now forced to redefine the meaning of the word ‘awful’. His heart is almost in the right place, though, as this track rails against the trend towards slimming down to size 0, although it does ignore the fact that size zero doesn’t actually exist in the British sizing system, but size 4 isn’t quite as catchy a tabloid term. Unfortunately what Chico doesn’t realise is that by letting the world know that he prefers girls who are a bit curvier, every woman in the country is now desperately slimming down in the hope that they’ll never have to deal with his lecherous attentions.

We’re also not too sure about the new Girls Aloud track. But we’re sure it’ll prove to be a grower. Right? Right.

Labels: Chico, Girls Aloud, Guitar, News, Reviews, Spice Girls

Is there anything more exciting than discovering what your favourite band’s latest release is going to be called?

Well, yes, clearly. Actually hearing the latest release for example, or going on a rollercoaster, or nearly getting knocked down by a motorbike, or picking away at a bit of dried up glue… the list goes on, and on. In fact, the only thing in the world that’s less exciting than discovering what your favourite band’s latest release is going to be called would be reading a list of every thing that’s more exciting than discovering what your favourite band’s latest release is going to be called, but as it’s the only news we’ve got to cover today we’ve gotta at least try and build it up.

Anyway, first to hit the - arf! - headlines are the Spice Girls, whose first single in, ooh, some years is going to be called Headlines. According to Geri, who has once again become the Girls’ de facto spokeswoman, by virtue of the fact that if anyone sticks a microphone in her general vicinity she’ll jabber away until she turns an unfetching shade of blue and collapses due to lack of oxygen. Not, of course, that lack of oxygen to the brain is generally something that Geri bothers about. And not, for that matter, that Geri requires a microphone to be in front of her to jabber nonsensically. But we digress. According to Geri, the single is “A big love song, a Spice Girls classic”, and it’s also the official single for this year’s Children in Need appeal, which means all know exactly what it’s going to sound like without even needing to hear it. If the video doesn’t feature long flowing dresses in soft focus then we’re a monkey’s uncle. And who wants to be related to Ian Brown?

Perhaps in an attempt to hint that Sunsilk isn’t all they’re claiming it is in the adverts, Girls Aloud have announced that their next album, out in the middle of November, is going to be called Tangled Up. Either that or Nicola is finally being allowed some input and has named it after the state of her favourite food, Pot Noodles. Either way we fully expect this to be the single greatest release of the year and you can look forward to our usual entirely biased, gushing and generally embarrassingly over effusive look at the album when it comes out. We may need to use a fractal representation of a star to indicate exactly how many stars we think it deserves.

Finally, assuming she doesn’t die, prolapse, or attempt to abduct her children, driving dangerously down the freeway, waving a shotgun and drinking moonshine before she has a chance to release it, Britney Spears is going to be calling her next album Blackout and not, despite what we’d been promised - in as much as the ramblings of a woman going through an alcohol enhanced breakdown on her website can be said to be a legally binding contract - OMG is Like Lindsay Lohan Like OK Like. To say we’re disappointed is an understatement. Indeed, we’ve hit such rock bottom with this news that our state will soon lead to someone calling their album OMG is Like Flum Like OK Like. Although not anyone that you’ve actually heard of. Or would actually care about. Blackout here presumably refers to the coverage Britney would prefer the tabloid media put her day to day existence of her, occasionally literally, car crash of a life under, although it possibly covers the fact that she’s suffered so many of them recently that the only way she knows what she’s been up to is thanks to the tabloid media that hounds her so. It saves her keeping a diary at any rate.

Labels: britney spears, Girls Aloud, News, Spice Girls

It’s Nicola Roberts birthday tomorrow! Not, of course, that you’d know this from the official Girls Aloud calendar, where they’ve listed this momentous, historic date as Cheryl‘s birthday. How rude! And if we were Cheryl we wouldn’t be in quite so much of a rush to be ageing so quickly. Anyway, we’re going out to celebrate tomorrow but not before we mark the occasion by scraping the barrel of our already exhausted stock of material and presenting The A to Z of Nicola Roberts:-

• A is for Articulate. Which she may or may not be. We never get a chance to find out. She could be articulated for all we know.
  
• B is for Background. Which is normally where you’ll find her lurking.
  
• C is for Carefully. Which is how you have to listen if you want to hear the contributions she’s made to their albums.
  
• D is for David Devant and his Spirit Wife. Whose near hit Ginger must be Nicola’s debut solo single.
  
• E is for Elfin. Of which Nicola’s features are comparable. And in the sense that with the lack of reported sightings of her, many people consider her to be equally as mythical.
  
• F is for Five. The number of members in the band. Not Four, as some people seem to believe. Although in a very real sense there are zero members in the band.
  
• G is for Ginger. The natural, default state of Nicola’s hair, although the natural, default state of Nicola seems to involve doing her level best to disguise it.
  
• H is for Happiness. An emotion Nicola isn’t famed for expressing.
  
• I is for Inspired. Which the decision to let Nicola have lead vocals in their cover of Teenage Dirtbag certainly was.
  
• J is for Jail Bait. Thankfully Nicola is now well into her twenties.
  
• K is for Kitty Cat. Please do not give Nicola a gift wrapped kitty-cat as a present. Not only does it distress the animal, but also Nic already has umpteen of these and has taken to throwing them straight in the bin, unopened.
  
• L is for Lead Vocals. Even though Lead Balloon is a slightly more common occurrence in this world.
  
• M is for Magazine Articles. Nicola loves doing these. Sorry, ‘reading’, not doing, reading.
  
• N is for No, No, No. Not only part of the title of Girls Aloud’s most recent single, but also the response she gets whenever she suggests having a more prominent role in photoshoots.
  
• O is for Outside. Which, judging by her paleness, Nicola doesn’t get to see a lot of, which adds credence to our theory that the other girls are evil and keep her in a box.
  
• P is for Poor Lighting. Occasionally employed by photographers taking solo shots of Nicola, which we assume is because she would otherwise outshine the other girls so much it’d be embarrassing for them.
  
• Q is for Quick. Which you have to be if you want to catch a glimpse of her in the band’s early videos.
  
• R is for Rude Ginger Bitch. Botherd.
  
• S is for Sarah. One of Nicola’s bandmates. It is definitely for Solo Lines.
  
• T is for Token. Which her presence occasionally feels like.
  
• U is for Underwear. Often used for hanging around the kitchen in. Mainly because Nic hasn’t been told where the photoshoot is so is doing her own anyway.
  
• V is for Vital. Because Nicola is vital to the band, it is also for her vital statistics, which are impressive.
  
• W is for Wedding. Nicola is apparently planning for hers, which some readers have e-mailed us to offer their condolences for, but we don’t mind. She can plan it as much as she wants. It’s the actual having of such an event which would upset us.
  
• X is for Xylophone. She sometimes gets given one to play with during recording sessions. It keeps her busy while the other girls are recording their vocals.
  
• Y is for Yes she is!. Which we find ourselves forced to utter after we tell people she’s our favourite member.
  
• Z is for Zebra. Nicola would never wear Zebra skin, but would look good in faux zebra shoes.

Happy Birthday, Nicola!

Labels: A to Z, Girls Aloud, Nicola Roberts

Yes, yes, yes! The new Girls Aloud single is out this week and, as is pretty much a given with new Girls Aloud singles, it has Number One written all over it. Unfortunately, though, what is graffitied all over the soul of the track bares little relation to actual chart performance, and given that past experience has proven that the only Girls Aloud tracks which get to number one are those which have Rubbish Cover of a Ballad stamped all over them, we’re not holding out too much hope for them hitting the top spot with this but we are being half-heartedly optimistic, even if they’re encouraging this sort of pessimistic thinking in their absurdly negative song title.

Anyway, it is, as you’re no doubt aware unless you live under a rock, are stupid, or are deaf or, indeed, Death, all kinds of aceness; a lightning blast of electro pop fireyness, writhing around like a bag filled with angry robots made entirely of legs and lacerating any person or thing that comes into it’s general vicinity. In it they deny their sexyness. Other things that Girls Aloud have recently denied include:

• The theory of evolution.
  
• Footless tights.
  
• The Pope’s Catholicism.
  
• Cheese on toast with a dollop of Worcester sauce.
  
• Traditional toilet arrangements for ursine creatures.
  
• Gravity.

Unfortunately they have also chosen to deny Nicola’s natural gingerness and she has once again gone looking for happiness at the bottom of a bottle of hair dye, turning blonde for the latest video. We will give her the benefit of the doubt for now and assume that the decision was made to avoid clashing with the red based theme of the somewhat bizarre promo. They have also chosen not to have a proper ending for the song, which is really frustrating as there’s nothing more annoying than something that just fades out rather than coming to a proper…

Labels: Girls Aloud, New Music, Singles

Blimey!

We'll have more to say on this tomorrow once we've gotten both our breath and our big book of hyperbole back. Oh, and once we've checked to see if there's any superlatives we haven't yet used when it comes to describing Things Done By Girls Aloud.

Labels: Girls Aloud, New Music, Single

So! The Girls Aloud gig then. As always this is definitely not the place to turn to for objective, unbiased coverage. Despite leaving it a week to write this, when it comes to GA our critical faculties completely desert us and we can muster up little more than an "OMG Girls Aloud are sooooo ace" style reporting, but hey, we're allowed to get a little bit over enthusiastic every now and again and besides, going to see the Girls live is a bit of a religious experience for us. Although it's safe to say that, outside the pages of the more scandal ridden Sunday tabloids, it's unlikely that you'll see many vicars and priests dressed in the sort of thing that Nicola and friends were wearing on stage. Anyway, here's what happened:-

Many things in life revolve around their entrances. Revolving doors spring immediately to mind, as do bouncers on roundabouts, but it's pop concerts where they truly matter. Well, that and being in a burning building, in which case the entrances and exits have never been so important, but that's not hugely relevant right now. Having employed both the curtain drop and the understage rise in previous years, the Girls take full advantage of the budgetary increase and this time around appear from above the stage suspended in a giant hydraulic cradle like five window cleaners, ready to shake their chamois like there's no tomorrow. At the current rate of spectacle expansion, this means that for their next tour they'll enter the arena by being fired in from a massive cannon at the back of the arena, but for now we'll just have to make do with them standing slightly awkwardly as the cradle slowly inches it's way down to stage level.

Never believing in saving the best til last, the Girls launch straight into Something Kinda Ooooh dressed in a sort of Sexy American Cop Style outfit, complete with GA baseball caps and gynaecologically tight trousers. All except Nicola, who appeared not to have got the same memo as the rest of them and has interpreted the American theme in her own way by wearing a cheerleading skirt designed for a girl at least a foot shorter than herself. Sigh. We, if we perhaps have not made this clear in the past, love Nicola. Once they got off of their cradle - and the only other time you'll see people distancing themselves from a Cradle with more speed is when Atomic Kitten get together and start discussing their back catalogue - the Girls strutted and preened and did generally did everything you could ever want Girls Aloud to do in the space of a three minute pop song, although whether this included 'singing every single note live' is something which is open to debate but equally is something which we think is largely irrelevant. The budget also didn't stretch to having tutu's on stage for the Girls to jump on. This was a Disappointment.

At the end of the song the Girls removed their hats and threw them into the crowd. Except that because the hats are no doubt a bit on the pricey side and also because each Girl is, of course, a girl and so throws like one, they carefully made sure they fell no further than the crash barrier at the front, ready to be collected and worn another day, leading, over time, to a fine dusting of, umm, dust, collecting around the top of their heads like a set of halos. Unpleasant, unhygienic and potentially allergy inflaming halos, admittedly, but halos none the less.

Having kicked off with a song whose video featured them arsing around in cars and treating the highway code with the same sort of reverence you might give to a book written by Piers Morgan or Richard Littlejohn, they then turned their attentions to Wake Me Up, a song whose video featured them treating motorcycles as if they were children's toys, rather than the metallic killing machines they actually are. On the basis of this evidence, we don't think Girls Aloud should be allowed on any motorised vehicle more powerful than a Segway, and even then we'd still feel a bit dubious if we were to see them coming towards us on a push bike. Anyway, they didn't have any bikes to ride for the performance and no-one, to the best of our knowledge died, so we consider the whole affair to be a success

Despite each of the Sugababes being far too busy getting arrested, hating the other members and being smilily oblivious to any sort of dischord respectively, the Girls still felt the need to perform Walk This Way even though it seems unlikely that it's omission from the setlist would have caused mass riots in the auditorium or, indeed, even been noticed. Without another band to rail against, the Girls instead stood on one side of the stage, directing their ire and anger towards the male dancers on the other side. As the dancers do not sing and, for a large part of the time, can barely dance, their response was limited to some awkward "Who us?" style gestures and some vaguely aggressive posturing. The main effect was to make the Girls look like they were hanging around outside the local Deaf and Dumb school, bullying the pupils as they tried to go about their business in the playground. It was not, it's safe to say, a success.

Finally, in this section at least, although it normally does close the tour, leading to some brief concern that the Girls had had enough of this performing lark and fancied making an early night of it, Jump made it's usual appearance and we all did which, in our unthinking mob following of orders, has much in common with how Hitler got in power. Perhaps they're wearing their authoritative, almost fascistic costumes for reasons other than mild titillation. Who knows? But it matters not as, with a blast of fireworks, they're off for their first costume change of the night. With the amount of hairspray present on the stage, however, we're not entirely convinced that the use of fireworks is a good idea. One stray spark and they could all go up.

Section two and the Girls are all rocking the Teeny Tiny Hotpants look. All, that is, except for Kimberley, who in some misguided sense of decorum has wrapped a dancer's skirt around herself, and Nicola who, having already rocked the Teeny Tiny Hotpants look on previous tours, has decided to go on stage in just her knickers. This is probably down to Nadine hiding her shorts in a cruel prank and, like the old PE punishment of old, is being forced to perform in her vest and pants, but it's not something we're going to complain about.

No Good Advice is the opening gambit here, sweariness fully intact, and is swiftly followed by Long Hot Summer, with its airiness fully intact. For no other reason than to provide a distraction while the stage hands prep the cradle with red cushions in preparation for Whole Lotta History, the Girls decide to lead the audience in a Mexican Wave, which is more the sort of thing you'd expect from a desperate compere at a Butlins resort who's beginning to lose the audience, rather than from a 21st century pop concert, but as this was one of the longest conversations they had with the crowd - the rest of the chat being limited to "How are you doing!" and "We love playing in (Insert name of city here) you're always such a great crowd" - we should perhaps be grateful for the attention and lap it up like the celeb-obsessed hordes that we are. Which, to be fair, we did.

Whole Lotta History was performed with, as hinted at above, the Girls lounging in the cradle which was now transformed into, depending on your point of view, a luxury boudoir or a soft furnishings sales pitch. They were raised slightly above the ground and softly swung back and forth as they sang this tender tale of lost love and painful memories. Of course, the fact the Girls were barely wearing enough material to make one complete outfit between them did somewhat detract from the effect they were trying to get at here, and may have led to the casual observer believing that, after the relationship came to an end, the girl was so broken by the heartache that she ended up falling into a career in the high class prostitution market, but we digress.

This year's 'surprise' cover was a Dirty Dancing medley, and while the screens didn't quite start flashing "WE ARE BEING INCREDIBLY LAZY AND UNIMAGINATIVE", they might as well have done. We only watched Dirty Dancing for the first time a couple of weeks ago and while we were very drunk the plot to us seemed to consist mainly of Patrick Swayzee taking pity on a mute girl who spends the entire film looking confused at what everybody says. This may well have been what she called 'acting'. Either way it was the worst film we've ever seen, and bear in mind that we've seen Species 2. As for the medley itself, well, if you've ever seen a Hen night in a karaoke bar then you'll pretty much know what to expect. Although if you have seen a hen night in a karaoke bar it's likely that you've already torn out your eyes and ears and self-performed a lobotomy in a bid to try and remove that painful memory from your mind.

Section three and pinstripes are the name of the game as the Girls rock a Gangster look, kicking off with Sound of the Underground, performed in the old school way with both Mic Stands and Nicola barely getting a word in edgeways. Also performed in an old school way, although in an entirely different sense of the word, is Life Got Cold, which is performed in a ska-stylee, coming across like The Specials woke up one morning and found they'd been turned into a girl band. It was, well, interesting if nothing else and does at least breathe a bit of life into Life Got Cold, a track we've never really warmed to. Arf.

N-N-N-N-N-N-N-Next was Graffiti My Soul, as the Girls, not content with mocking the mute decide to turn their bullying attentions towards those with stutters. But forget their claims that Real Life, the next song on the set list, was a song they really wanted to release as a single, this should have been sent hurtling chartwards instead of their pisspoor charity croon-a-long of I'll Stand By You. Still sounding a million times fresher than most of what makes up the chart, the skintight rhythms and spiky melody walks all over most of what passes for pop, what has passed for pop and even what will pass for pop. And it encourages the spraypainting of a fish, an act we can only condone.

A roulette wheel, giant dollar sign and big red dice are brought onto the stage as we prepare for the next movement in the Girls Aloud symphony. The costume change here is clearly quite a complicated one as the dancers, who have previously just been content with vaguely moving in time to the extended workout that the band perform while the Girls are off stage now appear to be attempting to act out some sort of routine which involves a plot. We have no idea what it was about, nor, frankly, do we care.

Finally, the Girls arrive, all glammed up in sparkly, Vegas style showgirl dresses, appropriate for the stage setting, if not the less than Vegas like weather of Glasgow, as the band begins a swing version of I Think We're Alone Now with Nadine taking, and when does she not, the lions share of the vocal. There's more chance of Pete Doherty giving up The Drugs as there is for Nadine to give up the limelight. We just hope that the stylistic choice doesn't portend a Robbie style swing album, even we would have trouble finding something good to say about that.

Things then move onto Money which seems to leave most of the audience nonplussed, although given that most of the audience seemed to love the Dirty Dancing medley, this leads us to the conclusion that most of the audience had their polarities crossed. From the sublime to the ridiculous as the Girls troop to the top of the stairs and perform I'll Stand By You on a spinning podium. Nicola holds onto Kim's hand as she does so, which is both sweet and indicative of vertigo. And at least it wasn't See The Day, something which we find to be a good point about most songs.

Closing this section and, indeed, the main set it's the old favourite Love Machine, a song which has rapidly become the Girls Aloud song, in the sense that it's the one most closely associated with the band, rather than being the definitive example of their oeuvre, and gets a predictably wild reaction. Half way through Cheryl yells "STOP!", clomps across the stage, sounding, although certainly not looking, like a baby elephant, downs a bottle of champagne before burping heavily and allowing the band to carry on. Surely Cheryl, better than any other member of the band, knows the dangers of binge drinking. Tsk!

And with that, it all comes to an end. Or does it? Of course not! We've all been to gigs, we all know how the encore thing works. Or least you'd think we did, anyway. The people in charge of the screens, however, were less sure, and insisted on putting up big messages encouraging us to scream, shout, make some noise and generally give ourselves laryngitis if we wanted to see some more, despite the fact the Girls would be contractually obliged to perform the full set and would have to return to the stage even if the arena gave them nothing more than a half hearted shrug and some polite applause. Either way, our enthusiasm was eventually deemed to be enough as the curtain was pulled back to reveal the Girls in bed doing The Show and dancing as best you can when you have a heavy duvet restricting your movements. The problems of the high tog rating were soon dealt with, as the Girls threw back the duvets revealing not only that they were all wearing rather ace silk GA bathrobes, but that they were each in bed with a young gentleman. This, we believe, is what the Daily Mail were referring to as youth-corrupting raunchy scenes, despite the fact it was about as raunchy as a Benny Hill show and as corruptive as a Bugs Bunny cartoon where he attempts to seduce Elmer Fudd. It was, however, incredibly ace, as pretty much all performance of The Show are, when you get right down to it.

Finally, and it really is finally this time around, the Girls whip off their robes to reveal they have their Biology-esque dresses on underneath. "What song can we perform dressed like this then?" they ask, and before the crowd even have time to reach a consensus they launch into, well, Biology, the single greatest song released in the last five years. It purrs, it thrills, it still sounds like a million songs rolled into one and it's still as thrilling as covering yourself in tinfoil before sticking a fork in the plug socket.

And then it was over. Just like Mika, it was so over. No more songs, no more dancing, no more teeny tiny hotpants, just the dark of the night and the excited chatter of thousands upon thousands of Girls Aloud fans left. "We'll see you again soon", was the excited cry from the stage as they vanished from view. Let's hope they're right, although given that the quality of our GA Live review has noticeably decreased this time around, perhaps it's for the best if they're wrong. Let's wait and see, shall we?

Labels: Girls Aloud, Live

We're going to see Girls Aloud on Saturday night, and we can safely say, without recourse to hyperbole or overexageration that it's likely to be the single greatest event in music, if not the world's history. We're a bit excited about it, in case you can't tell. Anyway, as we've exhausted all other avenues in our pretty much weekly coverage of the band, we've had to come up with a new feature to preview the gig and, as you should know by now, as far as we're concerned 'new' means 'knocked off', so join us as we proudly present The A to Z of Girls Aloud:-

• A is for Albums. The girls have released three proper albums so far, each one rewriting the rules of modern pop, changing the face of music as we know it and, as if all that wasn't enough, they also came with some nice pictures of the girls looking pretty.
  
• B is for Biology. And you certainly can't mistake theirs. Not, admittedly, that they make much effort to disguise it.
  
• C is for Clothes. Which Girls Aloud sometimes even remember to wear.
  
• D is for Death Metal. Girls Aloud are not a death metal band.
  
• E is for Educated. Given that Girls Aloud seem to spend half their time dressed in school uniform these days, it's clear that all these extra-curricular lessons must be turning them into a right set of brainboxes.
  
• F is for Fighting. Cheryl is the best at this, and has a criminal record to prove it. Not that you'd want to argue the point with her. Face it, she could have you.
  
• G is for Ginger. All the best pop groups contain a redhead - Spice Girls, Lush, Garbage, etc - and Girls Aloud are no exception. Simply Red are the exception.
  
• H is for Hotpants. Generally modelled by Nicola. And quite right too.
  
• I is for Indigenous People. Girls Aloud are very concerned about the plight of indigenous people. Probably.
  
• J is for Jump. This was the first of many covers for Girls Aloud, who seem unable - or unwilling - to accept that everyone is happier when they're doing exciting electropop originality and not enjoyable, but lazy rehashes of past hits.
  
• K is for Kimberly. Who seems to rapidly becoming less a member of the band and more a piece of unprepossessing set dressing.
  
• L is for Love Machine. This is not about vibrators.
  
• M is for Motorcycles. Which the Girls got to ride in the video for Wake Me Up. In real life, however, riding a motorcycle is one of the worst things you can do if you're feeling a bit sleepy. It's up there with operating heavy machinery and going to a KT Tunstall concert.
  
• N is for Nadine. It's also for Nicola. But wouldn't be if Nadine ever gets her way.
  
• O is for One True Voice. Apparently they were the girls' rivals when they initially burst onto the music scene, but given the lack of evidence for them having ever existed and given that no-one, not even the supposed members of the band, has any recall of the group, this seems remarkably unlikely.
  
• P is for Pout. As part of their popstar training the girls had to spend an intensive four week course learning how to pout properly. It mainly involved the use of straws and ping pong balls.
  
• Q is for Question. For example, "What on earth can we use for the 'Q' slot?".
  
• R is for Roses. Girls Aloud don't seem like the sort of band who'd respond favourably to the chocolate box and roses school of courting. Half a dozen Bacardi Breezers, on the other hand...
  
• S is for Some Kind of Miracle. Which still should have been released as a single instead of Life Got Cold. One day we're going to build a time machine, like one in a film we've seen, and sort out that particular historical cock-up.
  
• T is for Tweedy. Except it's actually for Cole, now, but we've already used the C for Clothes.
  
• U is for Underwear, which the girls can often be found hanging around the kitchen in. Apart, of course, from Sarah, who can be found hanging out in her underwear in a variety of exotic locales as she does her best to push up sales of Ultimo bras, who do their best to push up Sarah.
  
• V is for Videos. And, in a testament to their financial nous, not one of their videos has ever had a budget of more than £100. Or featured Nicola for more than five seconds, which is less of a testament.
  
• W is for Wide of the Mark. Which, in our entirely unbiased and open minded opinion, is true of any review that fails to describe the girls in anything less than glowing terms.
  
• X is for Xylophone. An instrument which has not yet featured in any Girls Aloud song to the best of our knowledge.
  
• Y is for Yawn. Something which you're unlikely to do at a Girls Aloud concert, ballad section not withstanding, of course.
  
• Z is for Zoo. The Girls totally love going to the zoo. Promise.

Labels: A to Z, Girls Aloud

So! Hands up who would ever have expected that one of the Sugababes would be arrested on suspicion of assault?

Oh. Quite a few of you, then.

Of course, what's most surprising about Amelle Berrabah spending a night in the cells following, to quote the police's own rather coy description of the events, "An incident in a bar", is the fact that the incident didn't involve another Sugababe. The girls - other than happy, smiley, oblivious to all the bitching and back-biting, Heidi, of course - aren't exactly famed for their friendly, welcoming stance and aren't exactly the best at keeping their, ahem, disagreements under wraps, but it remains to be seen exactly what the details are regarding this particular event. We do, however, feel that Amelle should perhaps have listened to the lyrics of Ugly a little bit more closely as the message has possibly passed her by.

In other Girl Band/Emergency Service news, Girls Aloud's Sarah Harding spent some time in hospital yesterday, complaining of stomach pains and has been warned to cut down on her partying. Which is a polite medical way of saying "You've just got a touch of wind, stop bothering us and, geez, have a mint, your breath stinks of booze". We're not being entirely dismissive of her claims, however, as we recently rewatched Alien and it's had a profound effect on us.

In a bid to complete the set we're hoping to bring you a story later this week about Natasha Bedingfield and a fireman. Failing that we've definitely got a tale about All Saints making nuisance calls to the lifeboat association. It's just a boaty call, apparently.

Labels: Amelle Berrabah, Girls Aloud, Sarah Harding, Sugababes

We're too lazy to write anything properly today, but here are a couple of music stories which caught our eyes recently:-

First up is a tale which we read in the Metro. OK, given that it was in the Metro, 'read' is probably a bit strong, but we certainly saw it there. It involves a Scottish girl who travelled all the way to New York, went to a Snow Patrol gig and, because she was holding up a banner professing her love for the world's favourite purveyors of sub-Coldplay snoozic, got invited up on stage to sing a song with them. Now, this could easily be put down to the mind-addling effects of jetlag, in which case she could easily be forgiven for what would be seen as nothing more than a moment of madness that she would later laugh and joke about and would, at the very least, give her a quick and easy answer to the question "What was your most embarrassing moment?". Alas, however, this isn't the case, as she made the trip to New York specifically to see the yawnsome wonders in concert. Quite why the experience of seeing them send an audience of people with American accents to sleep differs from seeing them send an audience of people with Scottish accents to sleep is beyond us - perhaps the timbre of the snoring is better over the pond - but we can think of a hell of a lot better things to do in NYC than go to a Snow Patrol concert. Not go to a Snow Patrol concert for one.

Secondly, Girls Aloud have once again been causing controversy, as according to BEAT, an eating disorders' help group, their new advertising campaign for Sunsilk - a haircare product that offers users glossy hair, an end to tangles along with a waggily tail and a stronger bark - makes the girls look unnaturally thin, "Like Barbie dolls", to use their own analogy, and they fear it could encourage their fans to try and copy the super skinny look. Here's a picture from the shoot:



They kinda have a point, don't they? And this is with Nicola wearing horizontal stripes as well, which tend to make you look bigger, so we dread to think what her actual waist measurement is, although it no doubt comes in millimetres, rather than inches. Still, with all this going on, it's a good thing they're not going to cause further public outrage by once again sexualising schoolgirls and dressing up in somewhat skimpy versions of St. Trinian's uniforms, isn't it?



Ah.

Labels: Girls Aloud, News, Snow Patrol

If today's News of the World is to be believed - and frankly we even double check the date in that paper, but never mind - the Girls Aloud are planning on splitting up in September after they fulfill all their touring and festival commitments. Of course, these days split rumours start to flow pretty much five minutes after a pop band releases their first single, but in this case, and it does pain us to say so, it probably is true. All good things must eventually come to an end and, as the girls are heading closer and closer to the age were they can't legitimately be described as girls any more, it's no real surprise that they're beginning to think about their futures, but what do they have in mind for when they hang up their tambourines? Five solo careers? Five modelling contracts? Or five presenting jobs on some obscure cable station, way off the beaten track on the digiguide? Um, well, this, apparently:

Sarah Harding sees being a Bond Girl as her future role. Presumably she sees her current sideline in standing around in her pants to promote Debenhams as part of her audition piece, easing into the job before moving onto the slightly more taxing position of standing around in her bikini instead.

Nadine Coyle also fancies the acting lark, although we don't think she's got much experience in the field. Unless you count pretending to look surprised when a photographer takes yet another embarrassing snap as she goes out once again in a ridiculously short skirt, of course. It seems that her acting ambitions may stem more from her desire to head LA-wards to be close to former/current (Please delete according to the current state of play between them as you read this. They seem to break up more often than a cheap cracker) boyfriend Jesse Metcalfe, rather than any deeply held thespian ambitions, and we get the feeling that his Desperate Housewives pay packet will be more than enough to keep her in the manner to which she's become accustomed without needing to actually work herself.

Cheryl Tweedy - Or Cole, if you prefer. Which she seems to. Mind you, as the Tweedy name does have a criminal record attached to it we can see why she might want to distance herself from it - is the only one who seems to be eyeing up a solo career, which surprises us as we felt pretty sure that she'd be the first one to find herself trying to find an onstage look which combines the sexiness we've come to expect along with the comfortableness and practicality of maternity wear, but never mind. Given the success of other former girlband members who've tried to make it on their own terms we can only wish her success with this endeavour and hope like hell that she's got a plan B as a back up.

And finally, both Kimberley Walsh and the always lovely Nicola Roberts both have the same ambition, which is to be "high flying business women". Now, we don't claim to possess any sort of understanding of the world which high-flying executive types live in. Hell, we've only just about managed to grasp the concept of "Buy low, sell high", but even so, we feel that their stated business plan is ever so slightly vague and could do with being fleshed out just a tad. After all currently it barely even counts as an ambition, let alone a project that could in any way be described as, well, a project full stop. Still, they'll be auditioning for the next series of The Apprentice in September and, with her success on the show, we're sure Cheryl could put in a good word for them.

In short, then: Oh dear. Let's enjoy it while it lasts.

Labels: Girls Aloud

YouTube is great. Not only does it provide an outlet for Star Wars geeks to unleash yet another unfunny parody of the films on to an audience of similarly geekish types who seem to have an insatiable appetite for such things, it also, thanks to it's reluctance to accept the concept of copyright law, allows you to watch all the crap TV programmes you may have missed due schedule clashes, a poor quality TV guide or the slightly more likely 'having better things to do'.

We often have better things to do, so you can imagine our annoyance when we discovered that we'd missed one of the most momentous TV events of the decade: Nicola Roberts' debut solo appearance. Admittedly while Cheryl got to appear on the prime time slot that was Comic Relief does The Apprentice, Nicola only got to do Ready Steady Cook, but it's a start. Clearly this marks the beginning of her inevitable strides towards world domination and, thanks to the wonders of YouTube (Click here), not only have we been able to enjoy this wondrous event not from the comfort of our sofa but from our uncomfortable chair in front of the computer, but you too can enjoy the tense battle as the Nicola takes on the Sugababes' Heidi Range in the cookery based battle which serves mainly to let the unemployed and housebound know that it's nearly time for tea.

It was something of a surprise to see Nic appear on such a show, as previous to this she hadn't exactly demonstrated much of a love for the culinary art. Indeed, given the answers she's given to food related questions in the past, we wouldn't have been entirely surprised if, on emptying her bag, the contents had consisted of two packs of Super Noodles, a bag of chips and a microwavable toastie. Fortunately for her, however, the producers took her bag she'd provided herself off of her and, because it was Comic Relief, provided her with one containing only red items of food; red potatoes, red steak, red cabbage, red Leicester cheese, etc, etc. You get the somewhat laboured idea. Not that the chef, who went by the name of 'Gino', apparently, cared: "I'm more excited about Nicola than the bag. I don't really care about the bag right now". Tsk, imagine perving so blatantly over a popstar in a public forum. How pathetic. The host, irritant and general annoyance Ainsley Harriot, took advantage of the moment to ask Nicola about her attitude towards food: "I like normal English food", insisted Nic, like a good steak dinner, for example. "As long as it's well done, I can't be doing with that bloody meat", she swore.

"How much was your bag?", asked Ainsley. "£7.53", answered Nicola. "Under budget", she added proudly, and seemed very put out when Ainsley pointed out that, as they were only allowed £7.50 to spend she was actually threepence over the limit. We hope that the Girls Aloud management don't take advantage of Nicola's blind spot with figures. That, of course, is assuming that they do actually pay her. We could quite easily believe that they pay her in Smarties.

After a chat with Heidi, Gino began to describe what he planned on doing with the ingredients provided by Nic. "That sounds lovely", she said, the expression on her face indicating otherwise". But despite her day job suggesting otherwise, Nicola wasn't there to just stand around looking pretty in the background, she was there to work and, after Gino helped her tie her apron, taking advantage of the opportunity to molest her, Nic was soon put to work with the highly important task of quartering the potatoes and grating the cheese. She was probably just happy to be involved for a change, although the concept of cooking and, indeed, work, seemed to take her aback. "Do you want all of the cheese?", she asked innocently. "All of it", confirmed the chef. "All of it!?", was her shocked response, delivered with about as much incredulity as would normally be given to news of a Jade Goody comeback.

These weren't the only tasks that Nicola was entrusted with, though. Oh, no! Giving her the sort of responsibility and respect that she's used to getting in the studio, Nic also got to separate the egg yolks, a task she took to with her usual sunny disposition and happy-go-lucky attitude: "It's awful! I feel like I'm on the jungle programme", by which we assume she means I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here and not the Christopher Biggins fronted game show On Safari - Safari, so goody! Although we're not sure which would offer a more unpleasant experience.

Of course, there's a serious side to all this, so Ainsley was quick to ask Nicola about what she'd learnt from working with Comic Relief, and she'd discovered that not all the money raised goes to Africa, effortlessly reeling off a couple of percentages that she'd definitely not been primed with before she went onto the set. Nic had also been to visit a hostel in Liverpool which deals with abused kids. Naturally this was quite an upsetting experience, but Nicola was bravely able to sum up the hurt, pain and anguish felt by the people there: "It's just not very nice". She also revealed herself to be something of a socialist by saying, "I just think that everyone should be on the same even keel". Well, we always knew she was a red.

Feeling, perhaps, that this line of questioning wasn't leading to the emotional depth he was looking for, Ainsley cruelly decided to move the interview onto an even more upsetting line of enquiry, asking Nicola how, with so many girls in the band, they decide who gets to sing what line. "It's the producers", answered Nicola, silently adding "those bastards" under her breath. "You get no say in the matter then", laughed Ainsley, insensitively, "That must really annoy you!". At this point Nicola began making and unmaking fists under the worktop and Ainsley wisely decided to go and have a chat with Heidi before he ended up with a frying pan to the face.

And so, the moment of truth, the meals are revealed and Gino is quick to play up Nicola's role in the cooking. "You added the salt and pepper, didn't you?", he said patronisingly, confusing Nic with a five year old child with special needs, but Nic didn't need Gino to talk up her game, she was keen to highlight the work she'd done and all the things she'd learnt in the last twenty minutes. "I added some green herbs", she said proudly, referring to the basil she added to the bruschetta. Or toast, as she would have put it. Unfortunately all her efforts were for naught as, with only one vote in it, Nicola lost to Heidi - boo, hiss, etc - and looked genuinely let down by the result. Still, she did better out of it than the Range did, as while Heidi was guilt tripped into giving her £100 pound prize money to Comic Relied, Nicola was free to keep her runners up prize of a food hamper all to herself. Or at least take it to her local branch of Lidl and exchange it for a multipack of Wotsits, with some turkey twizzlers thrown in for good measure.

Labels: Girls Aloud, Nicola Roberts, Ready Steady Cook, Red Nose Day, Sugababes

Welcome to The Hits Half Hour, a brand new feature here on TiaPL where we, umm, watch The Hits for half an hour and then tell you what we saw. As ideas go we fully realise that it's not exactly groundbreaking. Indeed, we're not convinced it even merits being called a thought, let alone an idea, but it does fill the gap that's been needing filled ever since Top of the Pops ceased broadcasting, so join us as we take in our first Hits Half Hour, between 17.47 and 18.17, Thursday 22nd March, 2007:-

• We join The Hits at the tail end of their daily Most Selected countdown and midway through number three, The Fray and How to Save a Life. In it lots of people cry, scream and generally look pretty upset. Well, you would too if you were forced to appear in the video for this sort of cod emotional tripe. The OC has a lot to answer for. The video also features a number of slogans: "18. Talk to somebody", "9. Love", "22. Cry", etc. Presumably this is the band attempting to save a live by offering a number of suggestions of some more pleasurable things to do instead of listening to this godforsaken song, an act which is likely to lead the viewer's thoughts turning to suicide if they make it through the whole three minutes. By the end of the vid all the people in it have started to cheer up. Well, having got through all that, you would, wouldn't you? We even allowed ourselves a wry smile, and we didn't even watch the whole thing.
  
• Some adverts. During this we learnt that Pete Waterman is hosting the 100 greatest pop songs on Saturday, that according to a massively representative sample of 200 people, women don't snack as much when they gorge themselves on yoghurt, that you can get some free manky sweatshirts if you buy some manky perfume, that the Dove adverts really are the most annoying on television, that Hilary Duff's new single will command us to the dancefloor and that the made up science of shampoo commercials has now come up with te concept of'pearl protein'. Whatever will they think of next?
  
• The second most requested record of the day is Gwen Stefani's The Sweet Escape. In it Gwen is trapped in a jail and, judging by the amount of gold and jewels which adorn her prison, it's clearly the sort of jail which exists only in the imagination of Daily Mail readers who firmly believe that prison is nothing more than a holiday camp. She has also stolen her look from Michael Keaton in Beetlejuice. As videos set in female prisons go, it's not exactly up there with Rachel Steven's I Said Never Again (But Here We Are), but bless her for trying.
  
• Surprisingly, number one is Girls Aloud versus Sugababes' cover of Walk This Way. If we were in a pitched battle with a rival gang we're not sure we'd want Heidi to be on our side. She doesn't look like she'd be very handy in a ruck.
  
• Next up on The Hits is the Best Duets Ever! Although they seem reluctant to actually go into detail about what criteria they're using to judge this, and given that first up is Westlife and Diana Ross doing When You Tell Me That You Love Me, we find it hard to imagine any set of circumstances where that track could have the word 'best' associated with it. It's probably worth pointing out here that Diana Ross is older than all of Westlife combined, and given that Westlife are not exactly spring chickens, that's one hell of an age to be. The set for this video features a stormy backdrop that wouldn't look out of place at an am-dram production of Sinbad the Sailor. With the amount of money that they've made you think they'd spend a bit more cash on their videos. Mind you, given the eagerness of their fanbase to lap up any old dross that they release, you can perhaps forgive them for not bothering to try too hard.
  
• The next pairing to entertain us are Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack with Tonight I Celebrate My Love. Peabo is sporting the eighties half moustache, a look which serves mainly to give the impression that the wearer isn't actually old enough to shave yet, while Roberta is dressed in a manner which seems to imply she was in the middle of doing some baking when the call for the video shoot came in. The song itself is a weak, sloppy slice of sentimental nonsense. Mushy Peabo, if you will. Arf!
  
• More adverts. This time we learnt, thanks to the "1+1=3" campaign to encourage people to get involved with Social Work, that becoming a social worker gives you the opportunity to train disabled people to do tricks, although the grounding it offers in mathematics leaves a lot to be desired.
  
• Finally, we have David Grant and Jakki Graham with Could It Be I'm Falling in Love. Given that David now has the vitaly important cultural role of working in the Fame Academy, the sort of educational establishment which makes even the City Academies look like a good idea, it's fortunate that he no longer has quite as stupid a hairstyle. Ahem.

Labels: David Grant, Diana Ross, Girls Aloud, Gwen Stefani, Hits Half Hour, Jakki Graham, Peabo Bryson, Roberta Flack, Sugababes, The Fray, Westlife

We were quite excited to read the news about the discovery of a brand new type of big cat today. It looks like an inverted leopard basically and, due to it's exclusivity, we're sure will soon be the hot new fashion accessory round tinsel town. Personally, we can't wait until we see Lindsay Lohan wandering around town with one on a lead. After all, if there's one thing we've learnt from reading Heat over the last few weeks, it's that these Hollywood starlets love nothing more than showing off their pussies.

We can't believe we just made that joke. Oh well, what we actually want to talk about today is the fact that it's Red Nose Day tomorrow, the time of year when transvestites around the country rejoice as it affords them the opportunity to legitimately go to work in a skirt, and amongst the various desperate efforts to try and exhort money from your pocket is this year's single, Walk This Way by Girls Aloud and Sugababes, a cover which, and please bear in mind here that our deep, all encompassing, and frankly worrying love for Girls Aloud is such that they could release a CD consisting of nothing but the sounds of them scratching their ears and we'd still be hailing it as a work of nothing less than genius, is nothing less than awful.

We can kinda see what they're trying to do with this, but it's a little bit like they've taken a large steak and kidney pie and topped it off with a big dollop of ice cream; both are fantastic on their own, but together it's just an unpleasant mess that works about as well as a pop star doing community service. There's also the problem that when Nicola can barely get a line when there's only five people jostling for position, having to fight seven other girls for the limelight isn't really going to give her much chance to shine, and so it is that she gets to do the "Hey diddle diddle line" and absolutely nothing else, although in the video they do let her dance around the microphone in a pleasing manner. Admittedly it's not the purpose the microphone was made for, but given that that's pretty much all she's been allowed to do with one ever since the band started out all those glorious years ago, she probably considers the act of singing into one to be a somewhat decadent and frivolous experience.

The video's crap as well, with all the girls attempting to look all street and tough, with none of Girls Aloud, bless, being able to really pull it off, although the 'Babes make a better fist of it, although most of their dirty looks are directed towards each other and not their supposed rivals. It also features, as all Comic Relief videos do, pointless cameos by supposed celebrities and comedians, of whom about half are actually recognisable. Although it does make history as it provides the first solid proof that Davina McCall isn't constantly pregnant as the circumstantial evidence would lead you to believe.

Still, it is for charity, so it'll probably do quite well. You'd probably be better off just donating your three quid straight to the cause though. Buying this will only encourage them.

Labels: Girls Aloud, Red Nose Day, Sugababes

Here are Girls Aloud doing their 'thing' for Comic Relief.



Unless you're trying to appeal to a group of clown fetishists it's hard to make a red nose look sexy but Girls Aloud... well, they fail just like everyone else who's ever attempted it, thigh skimming dresses or not. Still, at least Nicola gets a prominent shot, even if her elfin features are largely obscured by her crimson conk. Her look is more what you'd expect from an old Ashlee Simpson publicity shot, really, isn't it?

Labels: Girls Aloud, Nicola Roberts, Red Nose Day