It’s Nicola Roberts birthday tomorrow! Not, of course, that you’d know this from the official Girls Aloud calendar, where they’ve listed this momentous, historic date as Cheryl‘s birthday. How rude! And if we were Cheryl we wouldn’t be in quite so much of a rush to be ageing so quickly. Anyway, we’re going out to celebrate tomorrow but not before we mark the occasion by scraping the barrel of our already exhausted stock of material and presenting The A to Z of Nicola Roberts:-

• A is for Articulate. Which she may or may not be. We never get a chance to find out. She could be articulated for all we know.
  
• B is for Background. Which is normally where you’ll find her lurking.
  
• C is for Carefully. Which is how you have to listen if you want to hear the contributions she’s made to their albums.
  
• D is for David Devant and his Spirit Wife. Whose near hit Ginger must be Nicola’s debut solo single.
  
• E is for Elfin. Of which Nicola’s features are comparable. And in the sense that with the lack of reported sightings of her, many people consider her to be equally as mythical.
  
• F is for Five. The number of members in the band. Not Four, as some people seem to believe. Although in a very real sense there are zero members in the band.
  
• G is for Ginger. The natural, default state of Nicola’s hair, although the natural, default state of Nicola seems to involve doing her level best to disguise it.
  
• H is for Happiness. An emotion Nicola isn’t famed for expressing.
  
• I is for Inspired. Which the decision to let Nicola have lead vocals in their cover of Teenage Dirtbag certainly was.
  
• J is for Jail Bait. Thankfully Nicola is now well into her twenties.
  
• K is for Kitty Cat. Please do not give Nicola a gift wrapped kitty-cat as a present. Not only does it distress the animal, but also Nic already has umpteen of these and has taken to throwing them straight in the bin, unopened.
  
• L is for Lead Vocals. Even though Lead Balloon is a slightly more common occurrence in this world.
  
• M is for Magazine Articles. Nicola loves doing these. Sorry, ‘reading’, not doing, reading.
  
• N is for No, No, No. Not only part of the title of Girls Aloud’s most recent single, but also the response she gets whenever she suggests having a more prominent role in photoshoots.
  
• O is for Outside. Which, judging by her paleness, Nicola doesn’t get to see a lot of, which adds credence to our theory that the other girls are evil and keep her in a box.
  
• P is for Poor Lighting. Occasionally employed by photographers taking solo shots of Nicola, which we assume is because she would otherwise outshine the other girls so much it’d be embarrassing for them.
  
• Q is for Quick. Which you have to be if you want to catch a glimpse of her in the band’s early videos.
  
• R is for Rude Ginger Bitch. Botherd.
  
• S is for Sarah. One of Nicola’s bandmates. It is definitely for Solo Lines.
  
• T is for Token. Which her presence occasionally feels like.
  
• U is for Underwear. Often used for hanging around the kitchen in. Mainly because Nic hasn’t been told where the photoshoot is so is doing her own anyway.
  
• V is for Vital. Because Nicola is vital to the band, it is also for her vital statistics, which are impressive.
  
• W is for Wedding. Nicola is apparently planning for hers, which some readers have e-mailed us to offer their condolences for, but we don’t mind. She can plan it as much as she wants. It’s the actual having of such an event which would upset us.
  
• X is for Xylophone. She sometimes gets given one to play with during recording sessions. It keeps her busy while the other girls are recording their vocals.
  
• Y is for Yes she is!. Which we find ourselves forced to utter after we tell people she’s our favourite member.
  
• Z is for Zebra. Nicola would never wear Zebra skin, but would look good in faux zebra shoes.

Happy Birthday, Nicola!

Labels: A to Z, Girls Aloud, Nicola Roberts

The Princess Diana Memorial Concert takes place this afternoon, an event which is, to all intents and purposes, a celebration of one woman's entirely awful taste in music. We're not going to watch it ourselves as we have, frankly, a lot better things to be doing with our time - 'nothing', for example, springs instantly to mind - but we are lazy enough to use it as a launchpad for an article, so join us as we proudly present The A to Z of the Diana Memorial Concert:-

• A is for Absinthe. Drinking large quantities of this hallucinogenic spirit might well make the experience, if not enjoyable, then at least slightly more bearable.
  
• B is for Bryan Ferry. Bryan, who is at pains to point out that it's only Nazi architecture he loves and not Nazism in general, will definitely not be getting any sort of cheap thrill at performing in front of a Nuremberg rally sized crowd in any way, shape or form. Definitely.
  
• C is for Car Crash. Would it be in bad taste to suggest that the concert is likely to be a bit of a car crash? It would? Good.
  
• D is for Dresses. Other than marrying a prince and dieing somewhat unexpectedly, Diana was mainly famous for spending much of her time standing around, doing nothing whatsoever save wearing expensive dresses. Normally this is the sort of behaviour we condone - see J is for Joss Stone - but as she didn't even wear them well we don't think there should be any celebration of this entirely minuscule contribution to society.
  
• E is for Excrement. It would take someone with both too much time on their hands and an unhealthy interest in sewerage to work out exactly how many tonnes of excrement will be pumped out by the arena's toilets during the gig, but it's likely to be roughly akin to that which will be pumped out by the speakers.
  
• F is for Flowers. After Diana was killed in a car crash - or, if you're Mohamed al Fayed, a conspiracy theorist or Daily Express reader - was murdered by the establishment in such a way that would have even the Die Hard producers feeling it was a little far fetched - many people laid flowers outside Buckingham palace in a futile expression of grief at the death of a Princess. We plan on leaving a number of floral tributes outside Wembley stadium in a futile expression of grief at the death of music.
  
• G is for Ghost. In a bid to inject some sort of excitement, interest and fun to the event - it seems unlikely that the acts booked will be able to do so - organisers have booked a top special effects team to create the illusion of Diana's ghost appearing on stage at various points throughout the gig, offering judgement on the acts performing and re-enacting some of her greatest hits; "There where three of us in that marriage", "We go to McDonalds, just like ordinary people, only surrounded by a massive entourage of security", "Are you sure you're fit to drive? You look a bit pissed to me", etc, etc.
  
• H is for Huh?. Which was the reaction of most people when they heard that this event was actually being organised and wasn't just some elaborate practical joke.
  
• I is for Irritating. Which was most people's view of Diana until she died, the act of being in a car crash somehow transforming her from a publicity seeking, self obsessed embarrassment to someone whose life was of apparent worth.
  
• J is for Joss Stone. Joss will be doing what she does best at today's gig, namely wearing a nice dress. Unfortunately she'll also be doing what she does worst, namely singing forgettable cod soul numbers and talking between songs in a cod American accent. Indeed, there's so much cod involved in her performance that she has to have extra security to protect her from the hordes of fishermen who think that she's the saviour of the British fishing industry.
  
• K is for Kanye West. Who clearly looks at the amount he's going to get paid before looking at what he's actually going to be doing.
  
• L is for Landmines. In tribute to the work that Diana did for landmine charities, a number of landmines will be placed randomly around the arena for lucky punters to discover. Those that do will win a special prize. And lose a leg.
  
• M is for Mondays. As in Geldof, Bob's dislike of them. This event has got nothing to do with him but that's not going to stop him turning up on stage with his piano to perform the track one more sodding time, you mark our words. Unless you're on security in which case mark his forehead with the little red dot of the laser sight. Cheers.
  
• N is for Newsworthy. Which this event clearly isn't, but not that that's going to stop it getting blanket coverage in the newspapers tomorrow, desperate for anything to fill a bit of space. Unlike us, of course. Ahem.
  
• O is for Orson. Who by dint with some sort of pact with the devil are still, despite their inherent awfulness, going. This, we imagine, are exactly their audience: people who clearly don't actually like music.
  
• P is for Princes. And Pointless, but as the words are pretty interchangeable when it comes to William and Harry, it doesn't really matter. They're two people with such little self awareness that not only do they think that the best way to commemorate their dead mum is to have a massive arena gig in her honour, but they actually get to do it. Most people who have dead mums have to make do with putting flowers on their grave instead.
  
• Q is for The Queen. Contrary to reports, she was invited to attend at the concert, but decided instead to sell her ticket on eBay for a tidy profit.
  
• R is for Reality. Something which the organisers have only a passing grasp on. Unlike Realty, which they know very well indeed.
  
• S is for Security. After the incident at Glasgow Airport yesterday, possibly the world's most rubbish terrorist attack ever - Oh, well done. You've broken a window and set fire to yourself. You must be very proud - security has been stepped up at the concert. Although frankly if any terrorist wanted to garner more support for their cause then we can't think of any better way to go about it than by taking out the sort of people who think that going to a concert celebrating the life of a rich woman, born to a life of obscene wealth and privilege is a good way to spend their Sunday afternoon.
  
• T is for Toilet Breaks. Normally at big megagigs such as these, the main worry for those attending is trying to work out when to take a toilet break. For this gig, however, the main worry is working out when not to take them.
  
• U is for Unexpected. Nothing unexpected whatsoever will happen at the gig. Even the ad libs will be painfully scripted.
  
• V is for Venison. Served at most of the stadium's food outlets for today's gig, this will be the cheap option for those who haven't had the foresight to bring their own picnic baskets, stuffed to the brim with quail's eggs.
  
• W is for Wembley. Much like the pyramids, it took them many hundreds of years to build the venue and, much like the pyramids, many people will look up at the immense construction and wonder "What on earth is the point? Surely the resources could have been better spent elsewhere?"
  
• X is for Xylophones. There may or may not be some xylophone action on stage. We can't be arsed to check.
  
• Y is for Yes, This Has Gone on a Bit, Hasn't It?. Well it has!
  
• Z is for Zzzzzz. For obvious reasons, really.

Labels: A to Z, Diana Memorial Concert, Princess Diana

We're going to see Girls Aloud on Saturday night, and we can safely say, without recourse to hyperbole or overexageration that it's likely to be the single greatest event in music, if not the world's history. We're a bit excited about it, in case you can't tell. Anyway, as we've exhausted all other avenues in our pretty much weekly coverage of the band, we've had to come up with a new feature to preview the gig and, as you should know by now, as far as we're concerned 'new' means 'knocked off', so join us as we proudly present The A to Z of Girls Aloud:-

• A is for Albums. The girls have released three proper albums so far, each one rewriting the rules of modern pop, changing the face of music as we know it and, as if all that wasn't enough, they also came with some nice pictures of the girls looking pretty.
  
• B is for Biology. And you certainly can't mistake theirs. Not, admittedly, that they make much effort to disguise it.
  
• C is for Clothes. Which Girls Aloud sometimes even remember to wear.
  
• D is for Death Metal. Girls Aloud are not a death metal band.
  
• E is for Educated. Given that Girls Aloud seem to spend half their time dressed in school uniform these days, it's clear that all these extra-curricular lessons must be turning them into a right set of brainboxes.
  
• F is for Fighting. Cheryl is the best at this, and has a criminal record to prove it. Not that you'd want to argue the point with her. Face it, she could have you.
  
• G is for Ginger. All the best pop groups contain a redhead - Spice Girls, Lush, Garbage, etc - and Girls Aloud are no exception. Simply Red are the exception.
  
• H is for Hotpants. Generally modelled by Nicola. And quite right too.
  
• I is for Indigenous People. Girls Aloud are very concerned about the plight of indigenous people. Probably.
  
• J is for Jump. This was the first of many covers for Girls Aloud, who seem unable - or unwilling - to accept that everyone is happier when they're doing exciting electropop originality and not enjoyable, but lazy rehashes of past hits.
  
• K is for Kimberly. Who seems to rapidly becoming less a member of the band and more a piece of unprepossessing set dressing.
  
• L is for Love Machine. This is not about vibrators.
  
• M is for Motorcycles. Which the Girls got to ride in the video for Wake Me Up. In real life, however, riding a motorcycle is one of the worst things you can do if you're feeling a bit sleepy. It's up there with operating heavy machinery and going to a KT Tunstall concert.
  
• N is for Nadine. It's also for Nicola. But wouldn't be if Nadine ever gets her way.
  
• O is for One True Voice. Apparently they were the girls' rivals when they initially burst onto the music scene, but given the lack of evidence for them having ever existed and given that no-one, not even the supposed members of the band, has any recall of the group, this seems remarkably unlikely.
  
• P is for Pout. As part of their popstar training the girls had to spend an intensive four week course learning how to pout properly. It mainly involved the use of straws and ping pong balls.
  
• Q is for Question. For example, "What on earth can we use for the 'Q' slot?".
  
• R is for Roses. Girls Aloud don't seem like the sort of band who'd respond favourably to the chocolate box and roses school of courting. Half a dozen Bacardi Breezers, on the other hand...
  
• S is for Some Kind of Miracle. Which still should have been released as a single instead of Life Got Cold. One day we're going to build a time machine, like one in a film we've seen, and sort out that particular historical cock-up.
  
• T is for Tweedy. Except it's actually for Cole, now, but we've already used the C for Clothes.
  
• U is for Underwear, which the girls can often be found hanging around the kitchen in. Apart, of course, from Sarah, who can be found hanging out in her underwear in a variety of exotic locales as she does her best to push up sales of Ultimo bras, who do their best to push up Sarah.
  
• V is for Videos. And, in a testament to their financial nous, not one of their videos has ever had a budget of more than £100. Or featured Nicola for more than five seconds, which is less of a testament.
  
• W is for Wide of the Mark. Which, in our entirely unbiased and open minded opinion, is true of any review that fails to describe the girls in anything less than glowing terms.
  
• X is for Xylophone. An instrument which has not yet featured in any Girls Aloud song to the best of our knowledge.
  
• Y is for Yawn. Something which you're unlikely to do at a Girls Aloud concert, ballad section not withstanding, of course.
  
• Z is for Zoo. The Girls totally love going to the zoo. Promise.

Labels: A to Z, Girls Aloud