Thursday, March 22, 2007
The Hits Half Hour
Welcome to The Hits Half Hour, a brand new feature here on TiaPL where we, umm, watch The Hits for half an hour and then tell you what we saw. As ideas go we fully realise that it's not exactly groundbreaking. Indeed, we're not convinced it even merits being called a thought, let alone an idea, but it does fill the gap that's been needing filled ever since Top of the Pops ceased broadcasting, so join us as we take in our first Hits Half Hour, between 17.47 and 18.17, Thursday 22nd March, 2007:-
- We join The Hits at the tail end of their daily Most Selected countdown and midway through number three, The Fray and How to Save a Life. In it lots of people cry, scream and generally look pretty upset. Well, you would too if you were forced to appear in the video for this sort of cod emotional tripe. The OC has a lot to answer for. The video also features a number of slogans: "18. Talk to somebody", "9. Love", "22. Cry", etc. Presumably this is the band attempting to save a live by offering a number of suggestions of some more pleasurable things to do instead of listening to this godforsaken song, an act which is likely to lead the viewer's thoughts turning to suicide if they make it through the whole three minutes. By the end of the vid all the people in it have started to cheer up. Well, having got through all that, you would, wouldn't you? We even allowed ourselves a wry smile, and we didn't even watch the whole thing.
- Some adverts. During this we learnt that Pete Waterman is hosting the 100 greatest pop songs on Saturday, that according to a massively representative sample of 200 people, women don't snack as much when they gorge themselves on yoghurt, that you can get some free manky sweatshirts if you buy some manky perfume, that the Dove adverts really are the most annoying on television, that Hilary Duff's new single will command us to the dancefloor and that the made up science of shampoo commercials has now come up with te concept of'pearl protein'. Whatever will they think of next?
- The second most requested record of the day is Gwen Stefani's The Sweet Escape. In it Gwen is trapped in a jail and, judging by the amount of gold and jewels which adorn her prison, it's clearly the sort of jail which exists only in the imagination of Daily Mail readers who firmly believe that prison is nothing more than a holiday camp. She has also stolen her look from Michael Keaton in Beetlejuice. As videos set in female prisons go, it's not exactly up there with Rachel Steven's I Said Never Again (But Here We Are), but bless her for trying.
- Surprisingly, number one is Girls Aloud versus Sugababes' cover of Walk This Way. If we were in a pitched battle with a rival gang we're not sure we'd want Heidi to be on our side. She doesn't look like she'd be very handy in a ruck.
- Next up on The Hits is the Best Duets Ever! Although they seem reluctant to actually go into detail about what criteria they're using to judge this, and given that first up is Westlife and Diana Ross doing When You Tell Me That You Love Me, we find it hard to imagine any set of circumstances where that track could have the word 'best' associated with it. It's probably worth pointing out here that Diana Ross is older than all of Westlife combined, and given that Westlife are not exactly spring chickens, that's one hell of an age to be. The set for this video features a stormy backdrop that wouldn't look out of place at an am-dram production of Sinbad the Sailor. With the amount of money that they've made you think they'd spend a bit more cash on their videos. Mind you, given the eagerness of their fanbase to lap up any old dross that they release, you can perhaps forgive them for not bothering to try too hard.
- The next pairing to entertain us are Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack with Tonight I Celebrate My Love. Peabo is sporting the eighties half moustache, a look which serves mainly to give the impression that the wearer isn't actually old enough to shave yet, while Roberta is dressed in a manner which seems to imply she was in the middle of doing some baking when the call for the video shoot came in. The song itself is a weak, sloppy slice of sentimental nonsense. Mushy Peabo, if you will. Arf!
- More adverts. This time we learnt, thanks to the "1+1=3" campaign to encourage people to get involved with Social Work, that becoming a social worker gives you the opportunity to train disabled people to do tricks, although the grounding it offers in mathematics leaves a lot to be desired.
- Finally, we have David Grant and Jakki Graham with Could It Be I'm Falling in Love. Given that David now has the vitaly important cultural role of working in the Fame Academy, the sort of educational establishment which makes even the City Academies look like a good idea, it's fortunate that he no longer has quite as stupid a hairstyle. Ahem.
Labels: David Grant, Diana Ross, Girls Aloud, Gwen Stefani, Hits Half Hour, Jakki Graham, Peabo Bryson, Roberta Flack, Sugababes, The Fray, Westlife
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Musical Shares
The queue of people rushing to make money from the unexpected success of the Take That reunion continues to grow, even if Robbie seems to be unable to even locate the end of the queue, let alone the start of it. Latest to cash in are the organisers of Never Forget, the Take That musical, who cannily bought the rights to use the songs in this way at a time when interest in the boys was at an all time low so the price was at a similar level. As with all these sorts of musicals, the plot will likely consist of little more than a desperate shoe-horning in of songs based more around the titles, rather than the lyrical content, so no doubt that this show will involve scenes where the characters appeal to a higher power (Pray), one where they go to visit Kurt Cobain's widow, only to find she's recently moved (Love Ain't Here Any more), and one where they rent a video about a talking pig (Babe). Although given that the plot apparently revolves around a Take That tribute band, they could save themselves a lot of effort by having the plot revolve around a Take That tribute band turning up to do a gig which goes remarkably well. Admittedly this may lack the dramatic hook to pull in the casual punter, but somehow we feel that following a classical plot structure may not be of the highest priority to the organisers.
Still, despite the spate of these cultural faux pas, it strikes us that there's still plenty of back catalogues that have still to beexploited repackaged for a new multi-media theatrical experience, and we feel it's time we got in on the action, so later this week we'll be pitching the following musicals to a variety of top impresarios:-
Going Nuclear
Using the songs of Atomic Kitten, this tells the story of Amanda, who begins the show by being dumped by her boyfriend (The Last Goodbye). Her friend, Lisa, sees how upset she is and decides to comfort her by taking her out clubbing (It's OK/Follow Me Medley). They both get drunk and Lisa begins to realise that she has feelings for Amanda (Someone Like Me, I Want Your Love). After a few more Goldschlagers, Amanda soon begins to reciprocate these feelings (The Tide is High, Right Now), and it all ends with an upbeat happiness with their new found lesbiotic tendencies and a sing-a-long of Ladies Night. Use of Whole Again may have unwanted connotations, so we'll need to be careful where we slot this in.
Fade to Grey
Using the songs of The Faders, this tells the story of a girl in a second floor flat who buys a trampoline late one evening. Excited she takes it home but can't wait til morning to use it, much to the annoyance of the people in the flat below (Jump and No Sleep Tonight). May require some fleshing out before it reaches the West End.
Stool Pigeons
Utilising the songs of Westlife, or at least the songs that Westlife have chosen to cover, having never had an original thought in their lives, this tells the tale of five men who, thanks to an accident at the glue factory where they work, find themselves permanently stuck to their stools. They dream of being able to stand up once again (I Have a Dream, Flying Without Wings) and talk about the impossibility of their situation (Against All Odds, Unbreakable, Hey Whatever), and whether their constant seated position is impinging on their masculinity (What Makes a Man), how much they'd love to be able to get up and dance (Bop Bop Baby), and how pissed off they are with the whole situation (Swear it Again). Eventually, thanks to some glue remover and an industrial strength crane, the boys get to stand up again (You Lift Me Up), but after one verse decide that they preferred sitting down after all and promptly return to their stools for the rest of the show.
Still, despite the spate of these cultural faux pas, it strikes us that there's still plenty of back catalogues that have still to be
Going Nuclear
Using the songs of Atomic Kitten, this tells the story of Amanda, who begins the show by being dumped by her boyfriend (The Last Goodbye). Her friend, Lisa, sees how upset she is and decides to comfort her by taking her out clubbing (It's OK/Follow Me Medley). They both get drunk and Lisa begins to realise that she has feelings for Amanda (Someone Like Me, I Want Your Love). After a few more Goldschlagers, Amanda soon begins to reciprocate these feelings (The Tide is High, Right Now), and it all ends with an upbeat happiness with their new found lesbiotic tendencies and a sing-a-long of Ladies Night. Use of Whole Again may have unwanted connotations, so we'll need to be careful where we slot this in.
Fade to Grey
Using the songs of The Faders, this tells the story of a girl in a second floor flat who buys a trampoline late one evening. Excited she takes it home but can't wait til morning to use it, much to the annoyance of the people in the flat below (Jump and No Sleep Tonight). May require some fleshing out before it reaches the West End.
Stool Pigeons
Utilising the songs of Westlife, or at least the songs that Westlife have chosen to cover, having never had an original thought in their lives, this tells the tale of five men who, thanks to an accident at the glue factory where they work, find themselves permanently stuck to their stools. They dream of being able to stand up once again (I Have a Dream, Flying Without Wings) and talk about the impossibility of their situation (Against All Odds, Unbreakable, Hey Whatever), and whether their constant seated position is impinging on their masculinity (What Makes a Man), how much they'd love to be able to get up and dance (Bop Bop Baby), and how pissed off they are with the whole situation (Swear it Again). Eventually, thanks to some glue remover and an industrial strength crane, the boys get to stand up again (You Lift Me Up), but after one verse decide that they preferred sitting down after all and promptly return to their stools for the rest of the show.
Labels: Atomic Kitten, Musicals, Take That, The Faders, Westlife
