Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Roll Titles
Is there anything more exciting than discovering what your favourite band’s latest release is going to be called?
Well, yes, clearly. Actually hearing the latest release for example, or going on a rollercoaster, or nearly getting knocked down by a motorbike, or picking away at a bit of dried up glue… the list goes on, and on. In fact, the only thing in the world that’s less exciting than discovering what your favourite band’s latest release is going to be called would be reading a list of every thing that’s more exciting than discovering what your favourite band’s latest release is going to be called, but as it’s the only news we’ve got to cover today we’ve gotta at least try and build it up.
Anyway, first to hit the - arf! - headlines are the Spice Girls, whose first single in, ooh, some years is going to be called Headlines. According to Geri, who has once again become the Girls’ de facto spokeswoman, by virtue of the fact that if anyone sticks a microphone in her general vicinity she’ll jabber away until she turns an unfetching shade of blue and collapses due to lack of oxygen. Not, of course, that lack of oxygen to the brain is generally something that Geri bothers about. And not, for that matter, that Geri requires a microphone to be in front of her to jabber nonsensically. But we digress. According to Geri, the single is “A big love song, a Spice Girls classic”, and it’s also the official single for this year’s Children in Need appeal, which means all know exactly what it’s going to sound like without even needing to hear it. If the video doesn’t feature long flowing dresses in soft focus then we’re a monkey’s uncle. And who wants to be related to Ian Brown?
Perhaps in an attempt to hint that Sunsilk isn’t all they’re claiming it is in the adverts, Girls Aloud have announced that their next album, out in the middle of November, is going to be called Tangled Up. Either that or Nicola is finally being allowed some input and has named it after the state of her favourite food, Pot Noodles. Either way we fully expect this to be the single greatest release of the year and you can look forward to our usual entirely biased, gushing and generally embarrassingly over effusive look at the album when it comes out. We may need to use a fractal representation of a star to indicate exactly how many stars we think it deserves.
Finally, assuming she doesn’t die, prolapse, or attempt to abduct her children, driving dangerously down the freeway, waving a shotgun and drinking moonshine before she has a chance to release it, Britney Spears is going to be calling her next album Blackout and not, despite what we’d been promised - in as much as the ramblings of a woman going through an alcohol enhanced breakdown on her website can be said to be a legally binding contract - OMG is Like Lindsay Lohan Like OK Like. To say we’re disappointed is an understatement. Indeed, we’ve hit such rock bottom with this news that our state will soon lead to someone calling their album OMG is Like Flum Like OK Like. Although not anyone that you’ve actually heard of. Or would actually care about. Blackout here presumably refers to the coverage Britney would prefer the tabloid media put her day to day existence of her, occasionally literally, car crash of a life under, although it possibly covers the fact that she’s suffered so many of them recently that the only way she knows what she’s been up to is thanks to the tabloid media that hounds her so. It saves her keeping a diary at any rate.
Well, yes, clearly. Actually hearing the latest release for example, or going on a rollercoaster, or nearly getting knocked down by a motorbike, or picking away at a bit of dried up glue… the list goes on, and on. In fact, the only thing in the world that’s less exciting than discovering what your favourite band’s latest release is going to be called would be reading a list of every thing that’s more exciting than discovering what your favourite band’s latest release is going to be called, but as it’s the only news we’ve got to cover today we’ve gotta at least try and build it up.
Anyway, first to hit the - arf! - headlines are the Spice Girls, whose first single in, ooh, some years is going to be called Headlines. According to Geri, who has once again become the Girls’ de facto spokeswoman, by virtue of the fact that if anyone sticks a microphone in her general vicinity she’ll jabber away until she turns an unfetching shade of blue and collapses due to lack of oxygen. Not, of course, that lack of oxygen to the brain is generally something that Geri bothers about. And not, for that matter, that Geri requires a microphone to be in front of her to jabber nonsensically. But we digress. According to Geri, the single is “A big love song, a Spice Girls classic”, and it’s also the official single for this year’s Children in Need appeal, which means all know exactly what it’s going to sound like without even needing to hear it. If the video doesn’t feature long flowing dresses in soft focus then we’re a monkey’s uncle. And who wants to be related to Ian Brown?
Perhaps in an attempt to hint that Sunsilk isn’t all they’re claiming it is in the adverts, Girls Aloud have announced that their next album, out in the middle of November, is going to be called Tangled Up. Either that or Nicola is finally being allowed some input and has named it after the state of her favourite food, Pot Noodles. Either way we fully expect this to be the single greatest release of the year and you can look forward to our usual entirely biased, gushing and generally embarrassingly over effusive look at the album when it comes out. We may need to use a fractal representation of a star to indicate exactly how many stars we think it deserves.
Finally, assuming she doesn’t die, prolapse, or attempt to abduct her children, driving dangerously down the freeway, waving a shotgun and drinking moonshine before she has a chance to release it, Britney Spears is going to be calling her next album Blackout and not, despite what we’d been promised - in as much as the ramblings of a woman going through an alcohol enhanced breakdown on her website can be said to be a legally binding contract - OMG is Like Lindsay Lohan Like OK Like. To say we’re disappointed is an understatement. Indeed, we’ve hit such rock bottom with this news that our state will soon lead to someone calling their album OMG is Like Flum Like OK Like. Although not anyone that you’ve actually heard of. Or would actually care about. Blackout here presumably refers to the coverage Britney would prefer the tabloid media put her day to day existence of her, occasionally literally, car crash of a life under, although it possibly covers the fact that she’s suffered so many of them recently that the only way she knows what she’s been up to is thanks to the tabloid media that hounds her so. It saves her keeping a diary at any rate.
Labels: britney spears, Girls Aloud, News, Spice Girls
