YouTube is great. Not only does it provide an outlet for Star Wars geeks to unleash yet another unfunny parody of the films on to an audience of similarly geekish types who seem to have an insatiable appetite for such things, it also, thanks to it's reluctance to accept the concept of copyright law, allows you to watch all the crap TV programmes you may have missed due schedule clashes, a poor quality TV guide or the slightly more likely 'having better things to do'.

We often have better things to do, so you can imagine our annoyance when we discovered that we'd missed one of the most momentous TV events of the decade: Nicola Roberts' debut solo appearance. Admittedly while Cheryl got to appear on the prime time slot that was Comic Relief does The Apprentice, Nicola only got to do Ready Steady Cook, but it's a start. Clearly this marks the beginning of her inevitable strides towards world domination and, thanks to the wonders of YouTube (Click here), not only have we been able to enjoy this wondrous event not from the comfort of our sofa but from our uncomfortable chair in front of the computer, but you too can enjoy the tense battle as the Nicola takes on the Sugababes' Heidi Range in the cookery based battle which serves mainly to let the unemployed and housebound know that it's nearly time for tea.

It was something of a surprise to see Nic appear on such a show, as previous to this she hadn't exactly demonstrated much of a love for the culinary art. Indeed, given the answers she's given to food related questions in the past, we wouldn't have been entirely surprised if, on emptying her bag, the contents had consisted of two packs of Super Noodles, a bag of chips and a microwavable toastie. Fortunately for her, however, the producers took her bag she'd provided herself off of her and, because it was Comic Relief, provided her with one containing only red items of food; red potatoes, red steak, red cabbage, red Leicester cheese, etc, etc. You get the somewhat laboured idea. Not that the chef, who went by the name of 'Gino', apparently, cared: "I'm more excited about Nicola than the bag. I don't really care about the bag right now". Tsk, imagine perving so blatantly over a popstar in a public forum. How pathetic. The host, irritant and general annoyance Ainsley Harriot, took advantage of the moment to ask Nicola about her attitude towards food: "I like normal English food", insisted Nic, like a good steak dinner, for example. "As long as it's well done, I can't be doing with that bloody meat", she swore.

"How much was your bag?", asked Ainsley. "£7.53", answered Nicola. "Under budget", she added proudly, and seemed very put out when Ainsley pointed out that, as they were only allowed £7.50 to spend she was actually threepence over the limit. We hope that the Girls Aloud management don't take advantage of Nicola's blind spot with figures. That, of course, is assuming that they do actually pay her. We could quite easily believe that they pay her in Smarties.

After a chat with Heidi, Gino began to describe what he planned on doing with the ingredients provided by Nic. "That sounds lovely", she said, the expression on her face indicating otherwise". But despite her day job suggesting otherwise, Nicola wasn't there to just stand around looking pretty in the background, she was there to work and, after Gino helped her tie her apron, taking advantage of the opportunity to molest her, Nic was soon put to work with the highly important task of quartering the potatoes and grating the cheese. She was probably just happy to be involved for a change, although the concept of cooking and, indeed, work, seemed to take her aback. "Do you want all of the cheese?", she asked innocently. "All of it", confirmed the chef. "All of it!?", was her shocked response, delivered with about as much incredulity as would normally be given to news of a Jade Goody comeback.

These weren't the only tasks that Nicola was entrusted with, though. Oh, no! Giving her the sort of responsibility and respect that she's used to getting in the studio, Nic also got to separate the egg yolks, a task she took to with her usual sunny disposition and happy-go-lucky attitude: "It's awful! I feel like I'm on the jungle programme", by which we assume she means I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here and not the Christopher Biggins fronted game show On Safari - Safari, so goody! Although we're not sure which would offer a more unpleasant experience.

Of course, there's a serious side to all this, so Ainsley was quick to ask Nicola about what she'd learnt from working with Comic Relief, and she'd discovered that not all the money raised goes to Africa, effortlessly reeling off a couple of percentages that she'd definitely not been primed with before she went onto the set. Nic had also been to visit a hostel in Liverpool which deals with abused kids. Naturally this was quite an upsetting experience, but Nicola was bravely able to sum up the hurt, pain and anguish felt by the people there: "It's just not very nice". She also revealed herself to be something of a socialist by saying, "I just think that everyone should be on the same even keel". Well, we always knew she was a red.

Feeling, perhaps, that this line of questioning wasn't leading to the emotional depth he was looking for, Ainsley cruelly decided to move the interview onto an even more upsetting line of enquiry, asking Nicola how, with so many girls in the band, they decide who gets to sing what line. "It's the producers", answered Nicola, silently adding "those bastards" under her breath. "You get no say in the matter then", laughed Ainsley, insensitively, "That must really annoy you!". At this point Nicola began making and unmaking fists under the worktop and Ainsley wisely decided to go and have a chat with Heidi before he ended up with a frying pan to the face.

And so, the moment of truth, the meals are revealed and Gino is quick to play up Nicola's role in the cooking. "You added the salt and pepper, didn't you?", he said patronisingly, confusing Nic with a five year old child with special needs, but Nic didn't need Gino to talk up her game, she was keen to highlight the work she'd done and all the things she'd learnt in the last twenty minutes. "I added some green herbs", she said proudly, referring to the basil she added to the bruschetta. Or toast, as she would have put it. Unfortunately all her efforts were for naught as, with only one vote in it, Nicola lost to Heidi - boo, hiss, etc - and looked genuinely let down by the result. Still, she did better out of it than the Range did, as while Heidi was guilt tripped into giving her £100 pound prize money to Comic Relied, Nicola was free to keep her runners up prize of a food hamper all to herself. Or at least take it to her local branch of Lidl and exchange it for a multipack of Wotsits, with some turkey twizzlers thrown in for good measure.

Labels: Girls Aloud, Nicola Roberts, Ready Steady Cook, Red Nose Day, Sugababes

Given that the Great British Public embraces piss poor 'comedy' charity cover versions with almost as much enthusiasm as Elton John celebrating his own career, it's somewhat inevitable that Peter Kay and Matt Lucas' cover of The Proclaimers' 500 Miles has stormed straight to the top spot and, if the unpleasant experience of (Is This The Way To) Amarillo two years ago is anything to go by, will likely to stay there for a million years, long after everyone in the country with any shred of taste or intelligence has gotten sick of it, i.e. two minutes into the initial broadcast.

Equally inevitable is that we, on being confronted with a long list of some description, feel it's our sworn duty to provide an in depth guide to it - or at the very least a few half-arsed jokes - so join us as we run down the list of every celebrity person who appears in the star people packed vid:-

• Pete Waterman - According to his autobiography which, by the way, is a brilliant read, Pete invented every single movement in popular music, including, as he was the elder in the tribe at the time, persuading a group of bored cavemen to begin banging rocks together in a rudimentary attempt at rhythm.
  
• Bob the Builder - Bob is currently regretting being so publicly bold about his fixing abilities as he awaits questioning by Jamaican police as the chief suspect for the murder of Pakistani cricket coach, Bob Woolmer.
  
• Bonnie Langford - Despite what you may have been led to believe by Billie Piper's masterful performance in the role, not all of Doctor Who's assistants where any cop.
  
• Eddie Large - Eddie's erstwhile comedy partner Syd Little doesn't appear to be in the video, perhaps he was in a huff after the pair of them had yet another argument about who was the straight man in the act. This always ends in blows after they both fail to provide any evidence whatsoever that they should be considered to be the funny one.
  
• June Whitfield - Of Terry and June and Absolutely Fabulous fame. Ah, those golden, hazy days when comedy didn't actually need to be funny.
  
• The Krankies - For some reason it's OK for Ian Krankie to sleep with a schoolboy night after night after night, but Jonathan King tries it just once and suddenly he's the bad man. This is what we call a double standard. Though in Jonathon's case we also call him an odious toad.
  
• Paul O'Grady - Watching Paul's teatime chatshow on a daily basis has been scientifically proven to bring on early onset of the menopause. Even if you're male.
  
• Bill Oddie - The Goodies star has previously been immortalised in another number one hit, David Bowie's Bill Oddity.
  
• Basil Brush - The number one weapon in the Countryside Alliance's campaign to get the rest of the British public behind the idea of relegalising fox hunting.
  
• Willie Thorne - An unpleasant condition which arises mainly from couples who enjoy getting 'friendly' in outdoor areas with an above average concentration of rose bushes.
  
• Tess Daily - Goes out with Vernon Kay, and as such has to endure his smug, perma-grinning, oily face staring down at her on a regular basis. Poor Tess, someone should set up a fund to help alleviate her intolerable suffering.
  
• Clare Grogan - From Altered Images, Clare views each upcoming birthday with dread as she knows that her friends will be unable to resist the temptation to perform an out of tune rendition of her band's biggest hit. Which probably won't sound much different to the original, to be fair.
  
• Sally from Coronation Street - We have better things to do than watch Coronation Street. Although given that 'better things' generally amounts to writing this drivel, this may be open to debate.
  
• Roy Walker - Roy once attempted to illuminate his home with a really well drawn picture of a candle, but without much success. It was good, but it wasn't light.
  
• Johnny Ball - An evil man. Yes, he may have been the nation's favouite crazy uncle on Think of a Number and other science based kids show, but he did sire Zoe Ball and that is something for which he can never be forgiven.
  
• Gary Wilmot - A star of musicals. And we mean that in the 'being in musicals' sense, by the way, not the 'being Robbie Williams' sense.
  
• Jasper Carrot - Jasper's joy at his comedic success was tinged with sadness recently when he discovered that for all these years people hadn't been laughing at his finely crafted jokes, just at his hilarious accent.
  
• Dusty Bin - This is Dusty's first video appearence since he collaborated with the Pet Shop Boys on What Have I Done to Deserve This.
  
• David Tennant - Who?
  
• Rod, Jane and Freddy - With their simplistic, repetitive melodys and lyrics that a child could remember, their appearences on Rainbow in the seventies paved the way for the Acid House movement of the late eighties.
  
• Louis Walsh - Well, he does have a bit of time on his hand these days.
  
• Nora Batty - Nora appears in that hilarious programme about old timers trying to get to grips with a modern world that's left them far behind: Blue Peter.
  
• Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog - Nowadays, of course, Spit would get an Asbo and Bob would be prosecuted by the RSPCA.
  
• Frank Sidebottom - A papier mache headed genius. You know he is, he reeeea-llyyyyy isssssss.
  
• Mad Lizzie - Or Queen Elizabeth II, as she's less casually known.
  
• Cannon and Ball - It must be nice for them to get out of the house.
  
• Burt Kwouk - At the height of his fame, Burt once attempted to market an etch-a-sketch rip-off under the name of Kwouk-a-doodle-do. It wasn't a success.
  
• Fiz from Coronation Street - Fiz from The Tweenies posesses more sex appeal.
  
• Carol Decker - T'Pau's biggest hit, China in Your Hand was based around a dream Carol had about a boyfriend who grew to a gigantic size and was able to hold the entire Asian continent in one sweaty palm. "It was right terrifying!", she later said of the experience.
  
• Cilla from Coronation Street - You may have seen Cilla on various panel shows recently. She was the one who was confusing 'being Northern' with 'being funny'.
  
• Kenny Lynch - Since making his fortune from the groundbreaking Twin Peaks TV series, Lynch has clearly invested a large amount of money and time in his local tanning salon.
  
• Rupert the Bear - Bears are dangerous animals and, in real life, don't take kindly to being dressed up in a red jumper and a yellow checked scarf. Something we learnt through bitter, painful experience.
  
• Robert Powell - Teamed up with Jasper Carrot in The Detectives, his job was to provide plot exposition while Jasper gurned and made Brummie noises in the background.
  
• Postman Pat and Jess the Cat - Despite being laid off due to the Government's policy of decimating the rural Postal Service, Pat has still refused to hand in his uniform, which makes most of the Greendale residents worry that he might be a bit unstable, particularly with his habit of walking around with a stuffed cat permenantly on his arm. Mrs Goggins, who Pat has been carrying out an illicit affair with, doesn't mind, however. She thinks uniforms are hot.
  
• Tony Blackburn - For Tony this wasn't a video shoot, just how he imagines his day to day life to be.
  
• Stan Boardman - Stan took his surname from the state which all male audience members found themselves in after watching his act.
  
• Showaddywaddy - And you thought One True Voice was a bad band name.
  
• Kevin from Coronation Street - Did everyone on the bloody show get the afternoon off to come down and do this?
  
• Timmy Mallett - When walking down the street, Timmy often finds that people spontaneously decide to play Mallett's Mallett, the word association game, when they see him. Generally they always shout the same word though, which means they get a bash on the head for a) repetition and b) rudeness.
  
• Bucks Fizz - The concept of them being invited to a showbiz party is very much in the land of make believe.
  
• David Bellamy - David is so close and in touch with his beloved environment that he's now more moss than man.
  
• Benny from Crossroads - Well, at least it's not Coronation Street.
  
• Keith Chegwin - It's no surprise to see Keith here, as he's a man so desperate for fame that he once spent months broadcasting live on the internet, twelve hours a day for a couple of months in a quest for celebrity and recognition. Only a truly pathetic sort would waste their time sending out their half thought out opinions into cyberspace. Erm...
  
• Sonia - Living proof that, despite the impression we may sometimes give on this site, not all ginger popstars should be celebrated.
  
• Joe Sugden from Emmerdale - Do people even watch Emmerdale?
  
• Des Lynam - Remember the days when Des used to be a respected broadcaster? No, us neither.
  
• Status Quo - Here hoping to learn that mythical fourth chord from the Proclaimers.
  
• Limahl - Not in the video much as he spent a lot of his time trying to avoid the camera. Well, he is too shy.
  
• Terry Nutkins - While Michaela Strachan provided the brains on The Really Wild Show, Terry was there to provide a bit of glamour.
  
• Bobby Davro, Bobby Davro - Da-dan-dala-dan-dala-dan-dala-dan-dan-dan.

Labels: 500 Miles, Comic Relief, Peter Kay, Red Nose Day

We were quite excited to read the news about the discovery of a brand new type of big cat today. It looks like an inverted leopard basically and, due to it's exclusivity, we're sure will soon be the hot new fashion accessory round tinsel town. Personally, we can't wait until we see Lindsay Lohan wandering around town with one on a lead. After all, if there's one thing we've learnt from reading Heat over the last few weeks, it's that these Hollywood starlets love nothing more than showing off their pussies.

We can't believe we just made that joke. Oh well, what we actually want to talk about today is the fact that it's Red Nose Day tomorrow, the time of year when transvestites around the country rejoice as it affords them the opportunity to legitimately go to work in a skirt, and amongst the various desperate efforts to try and exhort money from your pocket is this year's single, Walk This Way by Girls Aloud and Sugababes, a cover which, and please bear in mind here that our deep, all encompassing, and frankly worrying love for Girls Aloud is such that they could release a CD consisting of nothing but the sounds of them scratching their ears and we'd still be hailing it as a work of nothing less than genius, is nothing less than awful.

We can kinda see what they're trying to do with this, but it's a little bit like they've taken a large steak and kidney pie and topped it off with a big dollop of ice cream; both are fantastic on their own, but together it's just an unpleasant mess that works about as well as a pop star doing community service. There's also the problem that when Nicola can barely get a line when there's only five people jostling for position, having to fight seven other girls for the limelight isn't really going to give her much chance to shine, and so it is that she gets to do the "Hey diddle diddle line" and absolutely nothing else, although in the video they do let her dance around the microphone in a pleasing manner. Admittedly it's not the purpose the microphone was made for, but given that that's pretty much all she's been allowed to do with one ever since the band started out all those glorious years ago, she probably considers the act of singing into one to be a somewhat decadent and frivolous experience.

The video's crap as well, with all the girls attempting to look all street and tough, with none of Girls Aloud, bless, being able to really pull it off, although the 'Babes make a better fist of it, although most of their dirty looks are directed towards each other and not their supposed rivals. It also features, as all Comic Relief videos do, pointless cameos by supposed celebrities and comedians, of whom about half are actually recognisable. Although it does make history as it provides the first solid proof that Davina McCall isn't constantly pregnant as the circumstantial evidence would lead you to believe.

Still, it is for charity, so it'll probably do quite well. You'd probably be better off just donating your three quid straight to the cause though. Buying this will only encourage them.

Labels: Girls Aloud, Red Nose Day, Sugababes

Here are Girls Aloud doing their 'thing' for Comic Relief.



Unless you're trying to appeal to a group of clown fetishists it's hard to make a red nose look sexy but Girls Aloud... well, they fail just like everyone else who's ever attempted it, thigh skimming dresses or not. Still, at least Nicola gets a prominent shot, even if her elfin features are largely obscured by her crimson conk. Her look is more what you'd expect from an old Ashlee Simpson publicity shot, really, isn't it?

Labels: Girls Aloud, Nicola Roberts, Red Nose Day