Wednesday, October 24, 2007
What a Total Guit
Our look at Saturday’s X Factor is on its way but, as is pretty obvious and, indeed, regular, we’ve been overcome by a bout of laziness, but we have a good reason, and it’s not just that we’ve become addicted to the reruns of Whose Line is it Anyway on Dave, although that is a factor. No, instead it’s because we’ve recently got ourselves a guitar, with the sole intention of having some indie style hits. Well, we’ve heard the Enemy’s album so really, how hard can it be?
It’s a slightly bigger task than you might expect, so we’ve set ourselves the goal of learning The View‘s Same Jeans by Christmas time, after which we’ll change not a note of it, sing some slightly different words over it, claim it as an original song and we should easily get a top three hit out of it. It’s only fair, it is what they did to Cornershop‘s Brimful of Asha to get their hit, after all.
Our education is going well, though, our first song, currently entitled One Badly Played Chord is already better than anything The Pigeon Detectives have ever released. Certainly the adulation we’re receiving from our neighbours, who constantly bang on our flat’s walls in appreciation of our music, is giving us encouragement to keep going, although we do wish they’d wait until we finished playing before they offered up their applause substitute.
Giving that we now plan on living each day of our life like an international pop star, we’ve been taking an even closer interest in the charts and new release schedule than normal, and it’s safe to say that upcoming competition is pretty lacking. The biggest one is probably the new Spice Girls‘ track which is even more half arsed and unimaginative that we’d even dared to think. It’s for charity as well, so we can only feel sorry for the children in whose name this is being released.
Chico also crawled out from whatever rock he’s been lurking under to release Curvy Cola Bottle Body, a track which has caused the people behind the Oxford English Dictionary to order a mass recall of their reference work as they’re now forced to redefine the meaning of the word ‘awful’. His heart is almost in the right place, though, as this track rails against the trend towards slimming down to size 0, although it does ignore the fact that size zero doesn’t actually exist in the British sizing system, but size 4 isn’t quite as catchy a tabloid term. Unfortunately what Chico doesn’t realise is that by letting the world know that he prefers girls who are a bit curvier, every woman in the country is now desperately slimming down in the hope that they’ll never have to deal with his lecherous attentions.
We’re also not too sure about the new Girls Aloud track. But we’re sure it’ll prove to be a grower. Right? Right.
It’s a slightly bigger task than you might expect, so we’ve set ourselves the goal of learning The View‘s Same Jeans by Christmas time, after which we’ll change not a note of it, sing some slightly different words over it, claim it as an original song and we should easily get a top three hit out of it. It’s only fair, it is what they did to Cornershop‘s Brimful of Asha to get their hit, after all.
Our education is going well, though, our first song, currently entitled One Badly Played Chord is already better than anything The Pigeon Detectives have ever released. Certainly the adulation we’re receiving from our neighbours, who constantly bang on our flat’s walls in appreciation of our music, is giving us encouragement to keep going, although we do wish they’d wait until we finished playing before they offered up their applause substitute.
Giving that we now plan on living each day of our life like an international pop star, we’ve been taking an even closer interest in the charts and new release schedule than normal, and it’s safe to say that upcoming competition is pretty lacking. The biggest one is probably the new Spice Girls‘ track which is even more half arsed and unimaginative that we’d even dared to think. It’s for charity as well, so we can only feel sorry for the children in whose name this is being released.
Chico also crawled out from whatever rock he’s been lurking under to release Curvy Cola Bottle Body, a track which has caused the people behind the Oxford English Dictionary to order a mass recall of their reference work as they’re now forced to redefine the meaning of the word ‘awful’. His heart is almost in the right place, though, as this track rails against the trend towards slimming down to size 0, although it does ignore the fact that size zero doesn’t actually exist in the British sizing system, but size 4 isn’t quite as catchy a tabloid term. Unfortunately what Chico doesn’t realise is that by letting the world know that he prefers girls who are a bit curvier, every woman in the country is now desperately slimming down in the hope that they’ll never have to deal with his lecherous attentions.
We’re also not too sure about the new Girls Aloud track. But we’re sure it’ll prove to be a grower. Right? Right.
Labels: Chico, Girls Aloud, Guitar, News, Reviews, Spice Girls
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Roll Titles
Is there anything more exciting than discovering what your favourite band’s latest release is going to be called?
Well, yes, clearly. Actually hearing the latest release for example, or going on a rollercoaster, or nearly getting knocked down by a motorbike, or picking away at a bit of dried up glue… the list goes on, and on. In fact, the only thing in the world that’s less exciting than discovering what your favourite band’s latest release is going to be called would be reading a list of every thing that’s more exciting than discovering what your favourite band’s latest release is going to be called, but as it’s the only news we’ve got to cover today we’ve gotta at least try and build it up.
Anyway, first to hit the - arf! - headlines are the Spice Girls, whose first single in, ooh, some years is going to be called Headlines. According to Geri, who has once again become the Girls’ de facto spokeswoman, by virtue of the fact that if anyone sticks a microphone in her general vicinity she’ll jabber away until she turns an unfetching shade of blue and collapses due to lack of oxygen. Not, of course, that lack of oxygen to the brain is generally something that Geri bothers about. And not, for that matter, that Geri requires a microphone to be in front of her to jabber nonsensically. But we digress. According to Geri, the single is “A big love song, a Spice Girls classic”, and it’s also the official single for this year’s Children in Need appeal, which means all know exactly what it’s going to sound like without even needing to hear it. If the video doesn’t feature long flowing dresses in soft focus then we’re a monkey’s uncle. And who wants to be related to Ian Brown?
Perhaps in an attempt to hint that Sunsilk isn’t all they’re claiming it is in the adverts, Girls Aloud have announced that their next album, out in the middle of November, is going to be called Tangled Up. Either that or Nicola is finally being allowed some input and has named it after the state of her favourite food, Pot Noodles. Either way we fully expect this to be the single greatest release of the year and you can look forward to our usual entirely biased, gushing and generally embarrassingly over effusive look at the album when it comes out. We may need to use a fractal representation of a star to indicate exactly how many stars we think it deserves.
Finally, assuming she doesn’t die, prolapse, or attempt to abduct her children, driving dangerously down the freeway, waving a shotgun and drinking moonshine before she has a chance to release it, Britney Spears is going to be calling her next album Blackout and not, despite what we’d been promised - in as much as the ramblings of a woman going through an alcohol enhanced breakdown on her website can be said to be a legally binding contract - OMG is Like Lindsay Lohan Like OK Like. To say we’re disappointed is an understatement. Indeed, we’ve hit such rock bottom with this news that our state will soon lead to someone calling their album OMG is Like Flum Like OK Like. Although not anyone that you’ve actually heard of. Or would actually care about. Blackout here presumably refers to the coverage Britney would prefer the tabloid media put her day to day existence of her, occasionally literally, car crash of a life under, although it possibly covers the fact that she’s suffered so many of them recently that the only way she knows what she’s been up to is thanks to the tabloid media that hounds her so. It saves her keeping a diary at any rate.
Well, yes, clearly. Actually hearing the latest release for example, or going on a rollercoaster, or nearly getting knocked down by a motorbike, or picking away at a bit of dried up glue… the list goes on, and on. In fact, the only thing in the world that’s less exciting than discovering what your favourite band’s latest release is going to be called would be reading a list of every thing that’s more exciting than discovering what your favourite band’s latest release is going to be called, but as it’s the only news we’ve got to cover today we’ve gotta at least try and build it up.
Anyway, first to hit the - arf! - headlines are the Spice Girls, whose first single in, ooh, some years is going to be called Headlines. According to Geri, who has once again become the Girls’ de facto spokeswoman, by virtue of the fact that if anyone sticks a microphone in her general vicinity she’ll jabber away until she turns an unfetching shade of blue and collapses due to lack of oxygen. Not, of course, that lack of oxygen to the brain is generally something that Geri bothers about. And not, for that matter, that Geri requires a microphone to be in front of her to jabber nonsensically. But we digress. According to Geri, the single is “A big love song, a Spice Girls classic”, and it’s also the official single for this year’s Children in Need appeal, which means all know exactly what it’s going to sound like without even needing to hear it. If the video doesn’t feature long flowing dresses in soft focus then we’re a monkey’s uncle. And who wants to be related to Ian Brown?
Perhaps in an attempt to hint that Sunsilk isn’t all they’re claiming it is in the adverts, Girls Aloud have announced that their next album, out in the middle of November, is going to be called Tangled Up. Either that or Nicola is finally being allowed some input and has named it after the state of her favourite food, Pot Noodles. Either way we fully expect this to be the single greatest release of the year and you can look forward to our usual entirely biased, gushing and generally embarrassingly over effusive look at the album when it comes out. We may need to use a fractal representation of a star to indicate exactly how many stars we think it deserves.
Finally, assuming she doesn’t die, prolapse, or attempt to abduct her children, driving dangerously down the freeway, waving a shotgun and drinking moonshine before she has a chance to release it, Britney Spears is going to be calling her next album Blackout and not, despite what we’d been promised - in as much as the ramblings of a woman going through an alcohol enhanced breakdown on her website can be said to be a legally binding contract - OMG is Like Lindsay Lohan Like OK Like. To say we’re disappointed is an understatement. Indeed, we’ve hit such rock bottom with this news that our state will soon lead to someone calling their album OMG is Like Flum Like OK Like. Although not anyone that you’ve actually heard of. Or would actually care about. Blackout here presumably refers to the coverage Britney would prefer the tabloid media put her day to day existence of her, occasionally literally, car crash of a life under, although it possibly covers the fact that she’s suffered so many of them recently that the only way she knows what she’s been up to is thanks to the tabloid media that hounds her so. It saves her keeping a diary at any rate.
Labels: britney spears, Girls Aloud, News, Spice Girls
Monday, October 01, 2007
News Round Round
The Sugababes have just scored their second number one with About You Now, surprisingly beating off Shayne Ward to claim the top spot, the surprise being that few people either knew or, indeed, cared that Shayne actually had a new single out.
We weren’t sure about their new track the first time we heard it, but its turned out to be one hell of a grower and, after repeated listens, we know how we feel about it now. Arf. It’s a catchy slice of harmonious pop, which is quite ironic given that harmony is generally the last thing that springs to mind when you think of the ‘Babes, second only to “Hit with the ugly stick” in its lack of relevance to their day to day existence.
In other music news Radiohead have announced that anyone who wants to buy their latest album - In Rainbows, a collection of unique interpretations of the songs of Rod, Jane and Freddy, available on the 10th Oct - will get to choose how much they want to pay for it, although it’s not yet been made clear whether you decide on its value before or after you actually listen to the thing. It’ll be interesting if this sort of pricing scheme - although can a lack of one really be called a scheme? - takes off, even if a lot of bands might suddenly find themselves bankrupt as many people start to cash in on the “I would only listen to X if you actually paid me to” policy. Gym Class Heroes, we’re looking at you here.
Also finding out how much people are willing to pay for their product, albeit via the medium of eBay and ticket touts, rather than the slightly more honest method which Radiohead are employing are the Spice Girls whose London gig sold out in just 38 seconds, and might have done so even quicker had they actually bothered e-mailing everyone that registered, like us, for example, whose inbox contains no news of how to apply for tickets, just news of roughly two billions pounds worth of prizes that we’ve won in lotteries we haven’t even entered and a surprising number of people who seem to believe that we’re in need of both penis and breast enlargement. Not that we really wanted to go to the gig anyway, as we’ve already said we think it’ll just be a bit of an embarrassment, dripping with irony and “Gosh, what were we like!” style japery, but it would have nice to have been able to confirm this first hand, rather than having to waiting for Victoria Newton to do so.
We weren’t sure about their new track the first time we heard it, but its turned out to be one hell of a grower and, after repeated listens, we know how we feel about it now. Arf. It’s a catchy slice of harmonious pop, which is quite ironic given that harmony is generally the last thing that springs to mind when you think of the ‘Babes, second only to “Hit with the ugly stick” in its lack of relevance to their day to day existence.
In other music news Radiohead have announced that anyone who wants to buy their latest album - In Rainbows, a collection of unique interpretations of the songs of Rod, Jane and Freddy, available on the 10th Oct - will get to choose how much they want to pay for it, although it’s not yet been made clear whether you decide on its value before or after you actually listen to the thing. It’ll be interesting if this sort of pricing scheme - although can a lack of one really be called a scheme? - takes off, even if a lot of bands might suddenly find themselves bankrupt as many people start to cash in on the “I would only listen to X if you actually paid me to” policy. Gym Class Heroes, we’re looking at you here.
Also finding out how much people are willing to pay for their product, albeit via the medium of eBay and ticket touts, rather than the slightly more honest method which Radiohead are employing are the Spice Girls whose London gig sold out in just 38 seconds, and might have done so even quicker had they actually bothered e-mailing everyone that registered, like us, for example, whose inbox contains no news of how to apply for tickets, just news of roughly two billions pounds worth of prizes that we’ve won in lotteries we haven’t even entered and a surprising number of people who seem to believe that we’re in need of both penis and breast enlargement. Not that we really wanted to go to the gig anyway, as we’ve already said we think it’ll just be a bit of an embarrassment, dripping with irony and “Gosh, what were we like!” style japery, but it would have nice to have been able to confirm this first hand, rather than having to waiting for Victoria Newton to do so.
Labels: News, Radiohead, Spice Girls, Sugababes
Thursday, June 28, 2007
The Latest Show On Earth: Turkey
So the inevitable has happened, the Spice Girls have reformed and announced their ten date Lets Boost The Pension Fund tour, kicking off in LA, ending in Buenos Aries and including only one date in the UK. Given that they claim that they're doing this to say and, indeed, sing Goodbye to their fans, you'd think they'd have made a bit more effort to allow the vast majority of fans who don't live in a capital city the opportunity to go and see them, making the whole affair seem more like nothing more than a money making exercise rather than a celebration of one of the greatest pop bands the world has ever seen, but we're sure that can't be the case. Ahem.
Anyway, we're not here to talk about that today, although it does segue nicely into our choice of topic for the day, as the Spice Girls' first ever gig was in Istanbul (not Constantinople) and Istanbul (Not Constantinople) is the latest stop on our guide to the line-ups for the Al Gore's Live 8 megagigs. Here's whose playing:-
Anyway, we're not here to talk about that today, although it does segue nicely into our choice of topic for the day, as the Spice Girls' first ever gig was in Istanbul (not Constantinople) and Istanbul (Not Constantinople) is the latest stop on our guide to the line-ups for the Al Gore's Live 8 megagigs. Here's whose playing:-
Labels: Line Up, Live Earth, Spice Girls, Turkey
Monday, June 18, 2007
Who Do You Think You Were?
We've been avoiding talking about the rumours of a potential Spice Girls reunion, mainly because it's been on and off more often than a faulty light switch, but now that Mel C has finally come to the conclusion that the world was not dying to hear her cover of I Want Candy and that pulling out the tracksuit for one more airing might well stave off having to get a regular job as a Loose Women panellist it seems like it really is going to happen at some point this year.
This is not a good idea.
Now, it goes without saying that we loved the Spice Girls, but the problem is very much with the tense, and we're not just referring to the state of Victoria's shoulders when she realises that she might actually be forced to sing live again. We loved the Spice Girls, but that was in the past and, reluctant as we might be to admit it sometimes, the world, much like Geri's figure, has moved on and there is no way the Spice Girls could actually 'be' the Spice Girls in this day and age. Any performance or gig that they did would be layered with so much irony and awkward self awareness as to remove the thing that made them so wonderful the first time around; the joyousness, the wide-eyed excitement, the don't give a damn attitude, the whole let's just lark around and see what happens vibe which surrounded them like the stench of pointlessness which lingers wherever the Kaiser Chiefs have been hanging around. Oh, and the fact that they were five quite different girls so every guy could pick a favourite. That probably helped too.
Instead of the sparkle and glamour and fun we'll have an embarrassed, self-conscious run through of Wannabe, some awkward banter and lame jokes about how they've changed and the 'ridiculous' outfits they used to wear, far too many ballads and the whole Girl Power thing being reduced from a powerful and important feminist campaign tool to a half thought out soundbite used by Geri whenever she can't think of anything else to say. So at least one thing'll still be the same.
If it had happened back when it was originally mooted, for the Live 8 concerts - and was swiftly dropped once they got Pink Floyd on board, for reasons which only make sense if you're Bob Geldof and are so out of touch with public opinion that you genuinely believe people want to see you do I Don't Like Mondays one more sodding time - then it probably would have worked; three songs, a euphoric blast of sugary joy and then over, never to be repeated again. Unfortunately there's now so much pressure and expectation on them for the reformation that it could never hope to live up to the hype that's being heaped upon them. It now can only ever be a disappointment and insult to their history, and the only real benefit of them coming back together is that at least it'll put an end to all this speculation and we can move on to the important matters in music once again; namely when the hell are allSTARS* going to get back together again?
We will, of course, still be getting tickets if it does ever happen. We're nothing if not entirely hypocritical.
This is not a good idea.
Now, it goes without saying that we loved the Spice Girls, but the problem is very much with the tense, and we're not just referring to the state of Victoria's shoulders when she realises that she might actually be forced to sing live again. We loved the Spice Girls, but that was in the past and, reluctant as we might be to admit it sometimes, the world, much like Geri's figure, has moved on and there is no way the Spice Girls could actually 'be' the Spice Girls in this day and age. Any performance or gig that they did would be layered with so much irony and awkward self awareness as to remove the thing that made them so wonderful the first time around; the joyousness, the wide-eyed excitement, the don't give a damn attitude, the whole let's just lark around and see what happens vibe which surrounded them like the stench of pointlessness which lingers wherever the Kaiser Chiefs have been hanging around. Oh, and the fact that they were five quite different girls so every guy could pick a favourite. That probably helped too.
Instead of the sparkle and glamour and fun we'll have an embarrassed, self-conscious run through of Wannabe, some awkward banter and lame jokes about how they've changed and the 'ridiculous' outfits they used to wear, far too many ballads and the whole Girl Power thing being reduced from a powerful and important feminist campaign tool to a half thought out soundbite used by Geri whenever she can't think of anything else to say. So at least one thing'll still be the same.
If it had happened back when it was originally mooted, for the Live 8 concerts - and was swiftly dropped once they got Pink Floyd on board, for reasons which only make sense if you're Bob Geldof and are so out of touch with public opinion that you genuinely believe people want to see you do I Don't Like Mondays one more sodding time - then it probably would have worked; three songs, a euphoric blast of sugary joy and then over, never to be repeated again. Unfortunately there's now so much pressure and expectation on them for the reformation that it could never hope to live up to the hype that's being heaped upon them. It now can only ever be a disappointment and insult to their history, and the only real benefit of them coming back together is that at least it'll put an end to all this speculation and we can move on to the important matters in music once again; namely when the hell are allSTARS* going to get back together again?
We will, of course, still be getting tickets if it does ever happen. We're nothing if not entirely hypocritical.
Labels: Really Bad Ideas, Reunions, Spice Girls
