So the inevitable has happened, the Spice Girls have reformed and announced their ten date Lets Boost The Pension Fund tour, kicking off in LA, ending in Buenos Aries and including only one date in the UK. Given that they claim that they're doing this to say and, indeed, sing Goodbye to their fans, you'd think they'd have made a bit more effort to allow the vast majority of fans who don't live in a capital city the opportunity to go and see them, making the whole affair seem more like nothing more than a money making exercise rather than a celebration of one of the greatest pop bands the world has ever seen, but we're sure that can't be the case. Ahem.

Anyway, we're not here to talk about that today, although it does segue nicely into our choice of topic for the day, as the Spice Girls' first ever gig was in Istanbul (not Constantinople) and Istanbul (Not Constantinople) is the latest stop on our guide to the line-ups for the Al Gore's Live 8 megagigs. Here's whose playing:-

• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  

Umm, yes. That's not just us being even lazier than normal, that's genuinely whose playing. No-one. Not a single band, artist, or godawful type with an acoustic guitar could be persuaded to play Turkey's contribution to Al's misguided attempt to save the world, leaving a hole in the schedule akin to that in the Ozone layer. Even Live 8 struggled to fill the bills in all eight of its concerts and there was, at least, a genuine public momentum behind those events so quite why Live Earth felt that it could succeed by spreading its resources just as thinly is unclear. Perhaps it was to show the problems cause when the Earth's own resources are spread equally thinly as the doomsayers predictions begin to come to fruition. Looking back on the line-ups already announced we're beginning to understand what a scary prospect that is. A world with only the fossil fuel equivalent of Katie Melua and KT Tunstall to keep us going. The living will surely envy the dead.

Labels: Line Up, Live Earth, Spice Girls, Turkey

Despite no-one asking for this to happen or, unless you're a particularly unimaginative compiler of an 'Anthem' themed compilation - or to put it another way, a compiler of an 'Anthem' themed compilation - anyone given them even a second's thought in the last five years, The Verve are back together again, romping - this may not be the best choice of word - around the country for a short tour as they test the waters for potential interest in a comeback album give the fans a chance to see the band one more time. Oh, and try and steal a march on the slightly more interesting news of the Spice Girls reunion tomorrow. Still, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the band. Some days we really don't try, do we?

1. After filming the famous video for Bitter Sweet Symphony where he walks down the road, banging into passersby, Richard was promptly set upon and violently beaten up. Not by the victims of his aggressive swagger, they were merely extras and happy to get the £50, but instead by the crew, who had been forced to listen to the song on repeat for the entirety of the shoot and were, understandably, a bit narked by this state of affairs.
   
2. Contrary to their claim, the drugs do work. Indeed, many drugs that you buy from dodgy blokes in nightclubs are remarkably proficient at clearing up your headache. And very little else.
   
3. Richard always wore shades because he has snakes where his eyes should be. Which makes photoshoots a little bit awkward.
   
4. Cats in bags rarely wait to drown. Generally they fight like billy-o and you have to give them a good few knocks with your half brick before they even begin to calm down. Umm, we'd imagine.
   
5. When he went solo, Richard Ashcroft's first single was called Song for the Lovers, which made people up and down the country glad that they were single.
   
6. This is Music was the title of an early single, and it was. Though only just.
   
7. The Verve came from Wigan, home of famous meat pies. The locals are understandably more proud of the latter than the former.
   
8. They originally started out as Verve, only adding the 'The' to avoid confusion, and a legal battle, with an American record label. This desire to avoid confusion explains why they weren't called The Dull, Pointless, Embarrassingly Pseudo-Mystical Awful Brothers
   
9. During Live 8, Chris Martin claimed that Richard was the best singer in the world, proving conclusively that his ignorance of what sounds good extends well beyond his own band's back catalogue.
   
10. We're not sure why he insisted on calling himself Richard. He always seemed more like a Dick to us.

Labels: 10 Things, Richard Ashcroft, The Verve

Despite being sacked, humiliated, replaced and generally mistreated by everyone else on the show - except, of course Sharon Osbourne, but receiving her support is a little like receiving a brightly wrapped parcel bomb - Louis Walsh has returned to the X Factor fold. Initially this news took us aback as we'd have thought that anyone with even the slightest shred of pride, dignity, and self-respect would have told them, with the help of diagrams and a flashy Powerpoint demonstration exactly where they could shove it, but then we remember that Louis Walsh manages Westlife, so has only a vague understanding of what pride, dignity, and self-respect mean, and even then he thinks they're something to do with lions.

Labels: Louis Walsh, News, X Factor 2007

Everyone goes on about what the greatest Glastonbury moment ever was, although everyone tends, as 'everyone' often does, to be entirely wrong. For our money a definite highlight is this 2000 performance of What Have I Done To Deserve This by Pet Shop Boys and their special guest star, Cerys Matthews from Catatonia. It's worth pointing out that, yes, Cerys does seem to be only vaguely aware of what key the song's in and, indeed, what the words actually are, but she does look very pretty so it balances out.

Labels: Catatonia, Cerys Matthews, Glastonbury, Pet Shop Boys, YouTube

If you're going to Glastonbury this weekend it seems likely that you're spending too much time wondering exactly how much of your leg you're going to lose to trench foot and how unpleasant the bus journey home will be when you're suffering from an extreme dose of dysentery to bother worrying about exactly what bands you're going to go and see. Fear not, here are ten of the acts you might catch if you're lucky/unlucky (delete as applicable) enough to be in the vicinity at the right time:-

1. Shirley Bassey - Taking on the Living Legend slot, also known as the Radio 2 Are Broadcasting From Here As Well So We Might As Well Give Them Something, Shirley will be performing the full gamut of her hits. From Big Spender to Goldfinger, to all the other ones that sound a bit like a cheap knock off of Goldfinger, she'll provide the sort of entertainment that can only truly be described as 'adequate'. It's probably the only chance you'll get to see someone wearing an evening dress for thier performance, though. Not unless the Arctic Monkeys make an attempt at stagecraft for the first time in their entirely unwarranted career.
   
2. The Fratellis - You may or may not see The Fratellis in person, but it doesn't really matter as every single night the campsite will ring out with the atonal sounds of drunken lads singing the "Der. Der-der-der. Der-der-der. Der-der-der-de-der-der." riff from Chelsea Dagger on a pretty much constant basis. The sound not only haunting your festival experience, but also your waking thoughts for the remainder of your life.
   
3. The Pipettes - We hope to God that they team their dresses with polka-dotted wellies and have some flunkies to run after them, protecting their hair with polka-dotted umbrellas. It's the least they deserve.
   
4. The Wurzells - Except you can't see them any more as they've cancelled, upset at their low placing in the running order. Although it's not quite clear where in the line-up they genuinely expected to be placed. Either way, it's estimated that this announcement has led to 61% of punters with valid tickets enquiring about the possibility of getting their money back.
   
5. The Saturday Night Main Stage Running Order of Lily Allen, followed by Paolo Nutini, followed by Paul Weller, followed by The Kooks - "The photocard system we've introduced has been pretty good at beating the touts but the real success story in that regard has been this part of the bill. No-one's going to pay over the odds to see that sort of crap. They'd have more watching some of my cows dropping a turd over in the next field.", said Glastonbury organiser Michael Eavis of this line-up. In a Somerset accent.
   
6. The Automatic - Who have been given a remarkably long slot given that Monster's running time is only 3:41. Maybe they're going to do some jokes, also known as the rest of The Automatic's album.
   
7. Mika - Because regardless of whether you find his music entertaining or not - and we do, regardless of the stigma this puts upon us, think that Grace Kelly is rather ace - there will be a lot of joy to be had when his hairstyle collapses with the weight of raindrops.
   
8. The View - Who, as they perform their cover of Brimful of Asha, known as Same Jeans for reasons best known to their copyright lawyer, will no spark their fans into chanting, as they invariably do, "The View, The View, The View are on fire". We wouldn't piss on them even if they had flames reaching up to their earlobes.
   
9. Hard-Fi - Are performing a secret gig on the Saturday night. Presumably on the not unreasonable supposition that as they they'll pull a bigger crowd if people don't know Hard-Fi are playing as opposed to if they do.
   
10. Billy Bragg - Because they don't actually let you leave the site unless you can prove you've seen him.

Labels: 10 Things, Festivals, Glastonbury, Line Up

The cast of the Take That musical, Never Forget has finally been revealed. Of course, we say finally, this happened about a week or so ago and our laissez faire - certainly lazy at any rate - attitude means that we've only just got around to mentioning it. Here's the pic:-


The one at the back seems to be labouring under the delusion that he's auditioning for the East 17: The Stay Another Day Years musical, while the one on the right appears to be hoping to get a shot at doing Freddie Mercury on Stars in their Eyes.

Of course, we say the Take That musical. Given that the plot of the piece concerns the doings of a Take That tribute band what you are essentially paying to see is a covers band with ideas above their station. If you're really unlikely the writer's imagination will stretch no further than setting the story over one evening in which the band do a quite good gig. With a plot running from the band walking out on stage, performing some songs the buggering off at the end of it, this will surely be the theatrical event of the millennium, but will at least avoid the awkward shoehorning in of songs which normally pervades these sorts of things; Oh, I want to have these Microchips but I'm not sure how long to put them in for. Does anyone know? A minute you say? Only a minute?, etc. We do, of course, jest. It actually takes three minutes to cook a box of Microchips, not one.

And while we realise that the tribute band conceit means they didn't have to try too hard to get five guys who looked like the band, but the actors chosen don't so much look like a third generation photocopy of the band but the third generation of a massively inbred family who spend most of their waking hours munching on uranium rocks for kicks. We've got the cast list in front of us and we still find it impossible to correlate the faces in the pic with the people they're supposed to be. Or the people who are supposed to be the people they're supposed to be. Or something.

Still, there's always a place for both comedy and tragedy in the theatre. They don't have to cover all the bases in the same ninety minutes, though.

Labels: Musicals, News, Take That

We've been avoiding talking about the rumours of a potential Spice Girls reunion, mainly because it's been on and off more often than a faulty light switch, but now that Mel C has finally come to the conclusion that the world was not dying to hear her cover of I Want Candy and that pulling out the tracksuit for one more airing might well stave off having to get a regular job as a Loose Women panellist it seems like it really is going to happen at some point this year.

This is not a good idea.

Now, it goes without saying that we loved the Spice Girls, but the problem is very much with the tense, and we're not just referring to the state of Victoria's shoulders when she realises that she might actually be forced to sing live again. We loved the Spice Girls, but that was in the past and, reluctant as we might be to admit it sometimes, the world, much like Geri's figure, has moved on and there is no way the Spice Girls could actually 'be' the Spice Girls in this day and age. Any performance or gig that they did would be layered with so much irony and awkward self awareness as to remove the thing that made them so wonderful the first time around; the joyousness, the wide-eyed excitement, the don't give a damn attitude, the whole let's just lark around and see what happens vibe which surrounded them like the stench of pointlessness which lingers wherever the Kaiser Chiefs have been hanging around. Oh, and the fact that they were five quite different girls so every guy could pick a favourite. That probably helped too.

Instead of the sparkle and glamour and fun we'll have an embarrassed, self-conscious run through of Wannabe, some awkward banter and lame jokes about how they've changed and the 'ridiculous' outfits they used to wear, far too many ballads and the whole Girl Power thing being reduced from a powerful and important feminist campaign tool to a half thought out soundbite used by Geri whenever she can't think of anything else to say. So at least one thing'll still be the same.

If it had happened back when it was originally mooted, for the Live 8 concerts - and was swiftly dropped once they got Pink Floyd on board, for reasons which only make sense if you're Bob Geldof and are so out of touch with public opinion that you genuinely believe people want to see you do I Don't Like Mondays one more sodding time - then it probably would have worked; three songs, a euphoric blast of sugary joy and then over, never to be repeated again. Unfortunately there's now so much pressure and expectation on them for the reformation that it could never hope to live up to the hype that's being heaped upon them. It now can only ever be a disappointment and insult to their history, and the only real benefit of them coming back together is that at least it'll put an end to all this speculation and we can move on to the important matters in music once again; namely when the hell are allSTARS* going to get back together again?

We will, of course, still be getting tickets if it does ever happen. We're nothing if not entirely hypocritical.

Labels: Really Bad Ideas, Reunions, Spice Girls

So, we hear that Britney Spears is thinking about calling her new album OMG Is Like Lindsay Lohan Like OK Like.

This. Must. Happen.

It's part of a selection of titles she's considering, including Dignity - is this the first time Britney's copied Hilary, rather than the other way around? - Down Boy - is this the first time Britney or, indeed, anyone as copied Holly Valance, rather than the other way around - Integrity and What if The Joke is On You, which seems to be the equivalent of trying to win a debate by going "Aaaaah" instead of coming up with a structured argument. As Britney is a very busy pop star and is currently spending the bulk of her time letting her hair grow back, she doesn't have the time to make the decision herself, which is why she's opened up the decision making process to her fans, or at least those fans who are dedicated enough to be a member of her fan club.

We're not members of her fan club ourselves, mainly because they charge you $30 and they don't even give you a free t-shirt, let alone a membership card, decoder ring and a furry, googly eyed Britney badge, but we strongly urge any of you who have more disposable income than us to sign up immediately and cast your vote for the Lohan title. It would clearly be the single greatest moment ever in music history, if not the entirety of history itself. And it has the added benefit that it could lead to an escalation of tensions between the pair of them, with Lindsay following it up by releasing an album called Hey, Chromedome, Go Back to Your Trailer Park You Twice Divorced Hussy and Britney then hitting back with Look Firecrotch. At Least I Wasn't in Herbie Full Loaded and so on, ad infinitum.

Mind you, that would involve the Lohan - who we do, we must point out, adore - releasing another album, so maybe it's not such a good idea after all.

Labels: Album, britney spears, Lindsay Lohan, News

Live Earth. Al Gore. Global Warming. Not tremendously well thought out idea. Etc. Sorry, we're in a bit of a rush. Something which will be amply demonstrated by the following piece. Here's the line-up for the South African gig:-

• Will be performing their cod reggae as an ironic response to complete lack of actual cod in the world's waters these days.
  
• Joss Stone - Joss was one of the highlights of Live 8 for us. Mainly because she wore a very nice dress and we, as point out on a regular basis, are very shallow. In stark contrast to the sea levels around the polar icecaps.
  
• Angelique Kidjo - After the band's Wayne's World inspired success, the lead singer of Ugly Kid Joe used his money to undergo expensive gender reassignment surgery. He's now revealing the new him or, indeed, her to the world.
  
• Baaba Maal - His dad was a fisherman. Given the aforementioned depletion of the world's fish stocks, it's fortunate that Baaba himself has developed alternative skills. For him, anyway, not necessarily for us.
  
• Danny K - Not only does he provide a mix of uptempo grooves and massive ballads - it says here - but 2 bowls a day, as part of a healthy diet, will help you achieve a swimsuit ready figure, just in time for the summer.
  
• The Parlotones - You just know they think that's a really clever name, don't you?
  
• The Soweto Gospel Choir - Do we really need some biblical nonsense underpinning the event? We mean, what does the bible know about sea levels rising, and massive floods of, umm, biblical proport... oh, never mind.
  
• Vusi Mahlasela - He's toured with Ladysmith Black Mambazo, who also played with B*Witched. This is worth noting as generally playing Six Degrees of Separation with B*Witched is an exercise in futility.
  
• Zola - This is just going to run and run, isn't it? Arf.

Labels: Live, Live Earth, South Africa

Calvin Harris' new album I Created Disco - a lie if ever we heard one. As anyone who's read his autobiography knows, it was Pete Waterman who invented Disco, along with submarines, sliced bread and the Tyrannosaurus Rex - is out this week. Our copy hasn't arrived yet, so we can't actually tell you anything about it, but we're sure it's pretty good. Acceptable in the Eighties was his first big hit and, as the proverb goes, the past is like a foreign country; you can't go there without getting the proper immunisation documents, so what was acceptable in the eighties isn't necessarily a goer now. Here, somewhat predictably, are ten examples:-

1. George Michael - In the eighties George bestrode the pop world like a hairy, defiantly heterosexual collossus, tossing off pop hits with the same sort of ease that he would later toss off policemen in public toilets. Nowadays he can't even hit the barn door of public opinion with an anti-Bush record and, while he can sell out Wembley, his only recent hits have been that betwixt his car and a tree. And to think they jailed Paris while letting him walk free. Where's the justice?!
   
2. Rubik's Cubes - All the rage back in the day, fortunately now, unlike then, people have, y'know, things to actually do, so they're not as popular as they once were.
   
3. Legwarmers - Since the eighties people have since discovered the existence of 'tights' and so no longer need these ridiculous garments. Although they have recently forgotten the 'foot' part of said tights, something which somehow convinces the wearers that they're not actually wearing leggings. The deluded fools.
   
4. Thatcher - Back then Thatcher was an all powerful figure, ruling the country with an iron fist whose every pronouncement could shake the very world itself. Nowadays she's just a bogeyman like creature, used to frighten children into eating their vegetables.
   
5. Fame - Not the seeking of it, but the musical. In those days people liked nothing more than watching the dramatised antics of a bunch of self-obsessed, obnoxious, unlikeable young people whose only aim in life was to be a celebrity. Those days, thankfully, have long gone. Apropos of nothing, how much of a bitch is Charley being to Chanelle? Boo, hiss!
   
6. Writing the Number '8' at the Start of Years - Something which is unlikely to come back into fashion until 2080 at the earliest.
   
7. CFC's - Before we knew that we were single handedly destroying the planet, every single thing in the world contained the ozone layer destroying CFC's, aerosols, fridges, flip flops and whales, they all contained CFC's. Fortunately the Japanese and the Eskimos have dealt with the whale problem, and the others were dealt with via the government so we don't have anything to worry about now. Phew! That's not a phew of relief by the way, that's a "Phew, it's getting hot in here" phew.
   
8. Video - In the Olden Days films came on this format and didn't come laden to the brim with directors commentaries, deleted scenes, making of documentaries and other bonus features. Given that the average DVD now takes roughly five weeks to watch in it's entirety, there are many that would say those were better days.
   
9. Hair Metal - A mainstay of the eighties charts, it now only exists in an ironic form in Top Shop t-shirt rails. A blessing.
   
10. Top of the Pops - Actually, they should bring this back :(

Labels: 10 Things, Calvin Harris, Eighties

This year's Edinburgh Fringe programme was launched on Thursday and, as regular readers will know, we're quite big fans of our home city's entertainment extravaganza, to the extent that we pretty much go AWOL for the entirety of August, surviving mainly on a diet of Gregg's sausage rolls and half squeezed limes from our rum and cokes as we attempt to cram in more shows than is humanly possible in the space of three ever so short weeks. As befits an event with literally thousands of shows, there's something for everyone to enjoy, so we've had a look through and have found a few shows which may appeal to the more pop minded theatre goer. Here's what we've noticed:-

• Andrew McClelland's Mixed Tape (Gilded Balloon) - Andrew McClelland is a very funny man who knows more about pirates than anyone whose sat through all three episodes of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Although admittedly someone who hasn't sat through all three episodes of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies knows more about pirates than anyone who has done so, but this in no way diminishes his wealth of awareness on the subject of scurvy knaves, parrots and things that get sunk in the night. We have no idea what he knows about music, but we still reckon this'll be ace.
  
• Murray Lachlan Young (Gilded Balloon) - The million pound poet and the man who is possibly single handedly responsible for EMI being in the state it's in today returns, no doubt painfully aware that his fifteen minutes in the spotlight are long over. It's poetic. Or a word that's similar to that, anyway.
  
• Blazin' Fiddles (Queens Hall & Brunton Theatre) - Some of Scotland's most celebrated fiddle players pile their instruments on stage and set fire to them in an exhilarating and long overdue event. This is a follow up to last year's Blazin' Bagpipes show which sold out instantly and, despite the many deaths caused by the ensuing fire which swept through large parts of the city, was considered to be a success by all involved. Including the dead.
  
• David Sneddon (The Jazz Bar) - The winner, in as much as anyone involved in that particular travesty of television, of Fame Academy will be at the Jazz Bar and won't, despite what you may be expecting, be waiting tables, clearing up pools of vomit and attempting to get people to leave at finishing up time. Instead he'll be performing from his new White Noise EP. Unfortunately there's been a production error in the brochure and this show is listed under Music instead of Comedy. Three nights only, book early to guarantee disappointment.
  
• Eurobeat - Almost Eurovision (Pleasance) - A sort of parody/celebration of the Eurovision song contest. Because, of course, the whole event takes itself so seriously that it needs some sort of piss take to take it down a peg or two.
  
• We Will Rock You (Royal High School) - Have you ever wanted to see a version of the Queen musical done by schoolkids? Of course not. You've not even wanted to go and see the Queen musical full stop, so why on earth anyone thinks this'll be a good idea is beyond us.
  
• Zombie Prom (Church Hill Theatre) - With a title like that this has to be brilliant.
  
• Seriously. Pet Shop Boys. Reinterpreted (Rocket) - Pet Shop Boys songs done on a grand piano, string quartet with five singers. This will likely be absolutely awful, a sort of Travis-Doing-Britney destruction of everything that makes the songs great in the first place, but we're going to give it a shot anyway, something we will no doubt instantly regret.
  
• Dye Young/Stay Pretty - A play about a girl travelling to New York to try and meet Debbie Harry. In our experience, you should never try and meet your heroes. If only because the police get annoyed if you violate the terms of your restraining order.
  
• Sting for Nolte (Gilded Balloon) - Questioning what you should do if your fiancee buys you tickets to go and see Sting. The running time is 1 hour, which seems slightly overlong for the answer "Split up with her immediately and inform the authorities"
  
• Teenage Kicks (Assembly) - Continuing the deification of John Peel, here's a play in his honour. At the current rate he'll be a Saint in about ten years, before having a religion in his honour in about fifty, with Fall lyric books being seen as some sort of holy text. Given his egotistical character and rampant self promotion we're sure this is exactly what he would have wanted. Ahem.
  
• Plus a million rubbish comedians doing song parodies which, as we all know, are the lowest form of humour, residing just below sarcasm and men dressing up in women's clothes. But if you must then Mitch Benn (Udderbelly) is a million times better than the rest of them combined.

Labels: Edinburgh, Fringe

With both the Isle of White Festival and Download kicking off this weekend, it's safe to say that the festival season is now in full swing. More so if you're planning on going to the Big Band Weekend in Bolton. If you are going to any of the big events this summer then we're sure you'll have an ace time - unless, of course, you're going to Download, in which case the exact opposite is in store - but bad times are possible at these things. To give you an example, we were at Reading one year and saw Cast do a set. We've never been the same since. To help you get the most out of the experience here are ten entirely useful and in no way facetious tips on festival survival:-

1. Don't bother camping unless you really can't help it. If God had intended us to spend our nights asleep in tents he wouldn't have invented builders, architects, or the Travelodge chain.
   
2. If you simply must do the canvas thing, don't worry too much about remembering which tent is yours. Odds are someone else will have a much better tend than yours so you're better off just claiming that and arguing the case if the rightful owners turn up. Given that all tents look largely the same, this is unlikely.
   
3. At festivals you will make many new and exciting friends who, at three in the morning, will seem like the greatest people you've ever met and you'll wonder how you ever managed to get along with out their insights and hilarious antics. Do not, whatever you do, give them any sort of contact details, as in the cold light of day you will never ever want to speak to them again. If, on the other hand, you do want to make contact with them, then you are the sort of person who they will never ever want to speak to again.
   
4. Unless you bring your own, don't bother taking any drugs. Not unless you have a burning desire to spend all your money on some paracetamol, some brown powder that smells suspiciously like gravy, and some moss scraped off of a nearby tree. Oh, and you have a burning desire to feel like your entire body is burning.
   
5. Try not to eat or drink anything over the weekend. If you do you'll only need to go to the toilet and that's really not a good idea. If you feel the need to consume or hydrate yourself in some way, wash it down with that Silica Gel that they use in shoe boxes to absorb moisture. It's probably not poisonous.
   
6. As you queue for the showers, try not to think about how many people with verrucas have used them before you. Or how many people have decided to indulge their time management skills by peeing in there at the same time. Instead try thinking about how, if you don't bother cleaning your bits, easy it'll be to get a seat to yourself on the bus back home if you stink to high heaven and appear to be 73% mud.
   
7. You will meet some hippies. This is unavoidable, but just remember that they're more scared of you than you are of them.
   
8. It is perfectly legal to punch anyone you see wearing an oversized novelty hat of some description. As John Reid himself said as he introduced the law, "It's the only way they'll learn".
   
9. Instead of bringing food, clothes, provisions, wash stuff or anything else you might think will come in useful, instead fill your rucksack with as many wellies as you can cram in. If it rains then they'll pay for themselves thirty times over. If it doesn't then you can use them as weapons to intimidate other people into giving you the food, clothes, provisions, wash stuff and anything else that will come in useful.
   
10. Oh, and try and see some bands. You might as well, really, while you're there.

Labels: 10 Things, Festivals

Next up on Al Gore's Live Earth ego trip is Germany, whose Hamburg gig will, along with the acts listed below, will also feature the gold medal winning figure skater Katarina Witt speaking from the stage and, given that the only people whose careers are more in jeopardy by the impending lack of ice tend to be those whose main focus is in polar bear welfare her support is understandable. Here's who our Teutonic friends will be listening to as they try and assuage their environmental guilt. It does not include Nena, but we're sure they'll rectify that oversight.:-

• Chris Cornell - Of Soundgarden 'fame' and the sort of act who your older brother probably likes. If your older brother is a tone deaf moron who sees listening to music as being an equivalent experience to sticking your entire head into a vibrating bucket of mud for an hour.
  
• Jan Delay - A hip hop act and not a traffic update.
  
• Juli - Despite being purveyors of forgettable mid-ranking alternative music, these guys - and girl - are one of Germany's top acts. It's at this point that we'd like to make the lazy, cliched, but still worth mentioning observation that another top act in Germany is David Hasselhoff.
  
• Katie Melua - Although we know, thanks to Katie's in depth research and definitely not plucking a figure out of mid air, that there are exactly nine million bicycles in Beijing, we have no idea how many there are in Hamburg. What we do know, however, is that every single one of them will be employed to get the cyclist as far away from the venue the minute Katie starts with the yawnsome, pointless, godawful affair that she chooses to call 'performing'.
  
• Lotto King Karl - We couldn't find a webpage in English about Lotto King Karl, but our limited German knowledge has allowed us to ascertain that he isn't a real King, nor has he won the lottery. He is really called Karl, though.
  
• Maná - This is Maná:
  
  
  It's safe to say that they're not exactly a party band. Nor is it likely that they'll be taking over Girls Aloud's role as Sunsilk ambassadors any time in the near future.
  
• Micheal Mittermeier - Some sort of German comedian, though again our poor grasp of the language makes this difficult to confirm. We can ask for directions to the Town Hall though, something which would be marginally more useful if we could understand the answer. Or, indeed, had any sort of burning desire to visit the town hall.
  
• Reamonn - When we covered his appearance on the Live 8 line up we made an excellent, if we do say so ourselves, Scooby Doo related joke, which we don't think we can top so we're not even going to bother trying.
  
• Roger Cicero 'Did' Eurovision, in much the same way as your dog might 'do' the toilet. Imagine an older, yet equally irritating, Ray Quinn and you have Roger.
  
• Sasha - We're assuming this is the German singer and not the DJ - and not, for that matter, the Bratz character - in which case we feel we should point out that for three years he performed as his alter ego Dick Brave. Feel free to make your own jokes up here.
  
• Silbermond - Goths. They did Live 8 as well, but we didn't write a very good joke about them. Some things never change.
  
• Snoop Dogg - And Snoop was also on Live 8. He went on stage at 6.30PM and said more swearwords in the first five minutes than most people manage in a lifetime. We imagine that the Germans have put him in a later slot this time around, if only in the hope that the tiredness will make him a bit less sweary and that having to go on stage in his pyjamas and bunny slippers will calm him down a tad.

Labels: Germany, Lists, Live, Live Earth

Today Paris Hilton started her 23 day jail term sentence, a punishment we think is ridiculously harsh given that her only real crime is that of not reading her post properly. Oh, and driving without a license. And drink driving. But ignoring that - and frankly we think the authorities should paying a little more attention to the fact that Paris is a celebrity and, as such, not subject to the same rules and regulations as the rest of us - it's all very minor, really. Still, like it or not, she's still about to experience a very different lifestyle than what she's used to, so what exactly is in store for her over the first few days? Let's have a look shall we?

MONDAY

Paris has a few hours of freedom to spend before she has to make her way to Los Angeles County Jail, her home for the next three weeks. Naturally she wants to make the most of her last few precious moments of liberty, her last chance to enjoy all the good things the world has to offer without having to stare longingly at them through a metal barred window, so she promptly goes out to smell the flowers. Smell the Flowers is a Nail Bar in West Beverley Hills and Paris is determined that she'll have the best damned cuticles on the whole block. To help her out, the manicurist sharpens her pinkie nail into a sharpened point, in case things get a bit territorial in the prison.

After primping and preening herself, Paris arrives at prison and is immediately shocked at the conditions there. "They don't even have a red carpet!", she says incredulously to one of her aides, who is frantically trying to find a Paris lookalike who's interested in a three week job in less salubrious conditions than they may be used to. She eventually leaves the car, still not entirely clear why someone else had to drive, and begins her entry into the prison lifestyle. She's stripped, forced into a shower and already the indignities begin. "Hey!", she exclaims angrily to the surly guard, "You'd better not be videoing this for YouTube. Not without me signing a contract first, anyway".

TUESDAY

Paris awakes in her cell and looks grimly at the orange jumpsuit she's going to be wearing for nearly a month. Unfortunately the guards turned down her request for some sequins and a belt so her dreams of customisation had to sadly be put aside. "Besides", she thought ruefully, "I'd never be able to get my seamstress in here". She turns to her new cellmate, who has spent most of her time with Paris pumping iron and staring at the heiress in a meaningful way, and decides to try and get some information about the prison lifestyle. After all, there's a lot of things a girl needs to know to be able to successfully complete her sentence without walking into a situation she wasn't even aware would be a problem. There were issues of hierarchy, of territory, of deference and, above all, of respect. A girl would have to tread carefully to avoid making a faux pas, so Paris took a deep breath, steadied herself and prepared to ask the one question whose answer, as far as she was concerned, was vital to her survival in this hellhole. "So", she asked, waiting until her cellmate had stopped trimming her moustache, "What time do the shops open around here?".

WEDNESDAY

After missing out on yesterday's work detail due to having to visit the prison's nurse thanks to an allergic reaction caused by a mystery blast of shaving cream in her eyes, Paris spent today in the workhouse, making numberplates. Unfortunately most of hers had to get binned due to her inability to spell the number '6' correctly.

Before lights out, Paris spent an hour or so hanging out in the social area, but left after the 37th person made the "So this isn't your first criminal record then", joke. Not because she was offended by it, just because she didn't get it and was getting embarrassed.

THURSDAY

Problems hit the jail this morning when the phone system broke down after every single inmate tied up the lines by contacting Heat magazine telling them: "Spotted! Paris Hilton slopping out", which annoyed Paris as she was hoping to get the exclusive on that.

She also got to spend some time in the exercise yard today, and she enjoyed the chance to experience a bit of space as, despite searching high and low, she's still not been able to find the way out of the entrance hall to her villa. Although the other girl in the hall, or 'cell', as she insists on calling it, assures her that "This is all there is", Paris isn't convinced. After all, this isn't the first time she's managed to get lost in a small room and she's sure as hell it won't be the last.

FRIDAY

It's a restless night for Paris as the true nightmarish reality of the situation she's in finally begins to hit her: In one more day her Botox will wear off. She wakes up tired and grumpy and looking miserable. Or looking like Paris Hilton, to put it another way. Frankly, she's had enough of this whole prison experience. At least with The Simple Life once the cameras were turned off she was able to stop pretending to be having fun hanging out with poor people, but this was 24/7. It was like being in Big Brother, and Paris was damned if she was going to go back to her old career as a Chantelle Houghton lookalike. Not only that but the other prisoners kept making fun of her, like last night when she was trying to talk to her friends when she saw them in the rec room and the other jailbirds just laughed and said that just because they were on TV doesn't mean that they can hear her. "What do they know anyway?", she thought angrily to herself, "I'm on TV too and they can definitely hear me. Finally, she does what she should have done at the start of this whole experience, taking advantage of her size zero frame, she turns to the side, slips between the bars imprisoning her and runs off to freedom. Or at least she would have done had she not spent thirty minutes posing for the paparazzi before grabbing one of the police dogs being used to track her down and attempting to put in her handbag, "The natural place for all dogs", according to her. Jailed once again, Paris' sentence is extended by another two weeks. Which is bad news for her, but fantastic for the sellers of the Free Paris t-shirts who now have an extra fortnight in which to ply their wares. Result!

Labels: Music Week, Paris Hilton

And so, the first man to enter the all-female Big Brother house turns out to be Zac - although he's currently, for reasons which escape us but which we presume to revolve around an unhealthy fixation with Quantum Leap, going under the name of Ziggy - from not exactly successful turn of the century boy band types Northern Line. This, by the way, is definitely not some sort of "Let's put a celebrity in the house" style twist, something which should be abundantly clear by use of the phrase "Northern Line". If you're not sure which one Ziggy is, he's the one who has the face of a fifty year old and is roughly the fourth most masculine member of the house.

If you've not had the pleasure, and dear God we envy you if that's the case, here's the video for their biggest hit, Love on the Northern Line. It's worth pointing out that, yes, this really was the best they could do.

Labels: Big Brother, Northern Line, YouTube