It's the weekend! Why not...

• Go and see Lady Sovereign tonight at the Club NME night in KOKO, London? She's ace and deserves to be flying as high as a recently filled helium balloon.
  
• Also tonight, if you're in Guildford, go and see The New Like Whatever at the Plantation Cafe. We have no idea if they're any good or not, but we love their name. The same goes for Zombina and the Skeletones at the Boston Arms in London.
  
• Run barefoot along your local beach with your arms outstretched and experience the life affirming feelings of the wind blowing through your hair, the awakening caused by the salty spray on your face and the slightly unpleasant realisation that you've just stood in a dead seagull.
  
• Watch tonight's Big Brother eviction and realise that Orlaith is the reality TV equivalent of Johnny Borrell from Razorlight: Pretty, vain, egotistical, not overly bright and fond of getting her tits out at the slightest opportunity.
  
• Hang around the single section in HMV and, should you notice anyone picking up a copy of Daniel Powter's Bad Day, explain to them the error of their ways. If this fails, give them a slap.
  
• Pop along to the Cambridge Folk Festival and ponder upon exactly how loose the definition of 'folk' must be when Idlewild get given a gig.
  
• Stick it to the man.
  
• Go to your nearest second hand CD store and buy an album for no better reason than you quite like the cover.
  
• Floss.
  
• And finally, if you're Dolores O'Riordan from out of The Cranberries, celebrate and be smug that finally, only 11 years after you released the bloody record, someone at the IRA has listened to Zombie and, thanks to your lyrical insight, they've realised that violence is a bit rubbish after all, and so have put down their tanks and their bombs and their bombs and their guns. You must be very proud.

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Bananarama are back! And while new single, Move in my Direction isn't quite a laser like blast of pure pop perfection, it's still a pretty decent tune and does, at lest, demonstrate that, despite what Duran Duran's comeback may have led you to believe, it is possible for an eighties band to make a comeback without embarrassing both themselves and the people actually listening to their record. To celebrate this momentous achievement, here's ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the original girls who were both aloud and spicy:-

1. Despite the fact she'd only just been born, their cover of Venus was intended as a tribute to the always lovely Nicola Roberts. Before it was vetoed by their record company, the original plan was to change the opening verse to read "Goddess with a carrot top / Burning with an orange flame / The summit of beauty and love / And Nicola was her name"
   
2. Bananarama named themselves after a local fruitmongers which specialised in selling every different kind of banana you could think of. As it turned out, most people could only think of one and, as the supermarket down the road was selling them a lot cheaper, the shop went out of business after a week and has now been replaced by a leather furniture shop.
   
3. Contrary to what they may have led you to believe, it's not actually a crime to be in love and you cannot be sent to jail for it. Unless the person you're in love with is either a) an animal, b) dead or c) both.
   
4. Inspired by the In Bed With Madonna film, Bananarama released their own backstage tour documentary entitled Bananarama in Pyjamas
   
5. While Bananarama may not have technically been the world's best singers or dancers, critic generally agree that they were successful not because of what they did, but they way that they did it. That, they say, was what got results.
   
6. They love nothing more than hanging around Piccadilly Circus in London and giving out directions to confused tourists. Should this not be clear enough, they actually encourage the lost souls to follow them to their destination, suggesting they move in their direction.
   
7. Keren really hates chimps.
   
8. To celebrate the release of their 1983 single, Cruel Summer, the girls spent two hours each day kicking puppies, laughing at old people falling over, bursting small children's balloons and kicking over sandcastles.
   
9. Banarama still harbour a dream of opening a restaurant staffed entirely by major Hollywood stars. The aim was to have Charlton Heston working in the kitchens, Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Matrie'D and Robert De Niro waiting.
   
10. French and Saunders are fucking shit. And that's really saying something.
    

music bananarama

So, not only is Charlotte Church riding high in the hit parade with her 'debut' - in the sense that it's the first time she's done anything that people outside of your Gran and the Pope might want to buy - single, but she's also, thanks to some cheeky paparazzi snaps, apparently been offered a lingerie modeling contract, something which she certainly won't be making a half-arsed job of. Arf. With all this going on, you'd be forgiven for thinking that all is rosy in the life of the Welsh wonderkid teen, but could there be something altogether more unpleasant lurking under the surface? Is Crazy Chick less a rollicking little pop song and more a cry for help? In short, is Charlotte Church clinically insane? Let's find out, shall we?

The Case for the Prosecution

• In a recent radio interview, Charlotte said that the only people in pop music whose talent was on a par with her own were Joss Stone and Natasha Bedingfield, before going on to be vaguely dismissive of "other girl groups". Now, while we do adore Natasha - sigh - and would be hugely supportive of Joss if she limited her career to the wearing of nice dresses and stopped with the whole singing malarky, to claim that there's no-one else in pop worth talking about is a bit like saying that Josie & The Pussycats is the only movie which is worth watching, which is clearly nonsense. Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion is worth a look too.
  
  
• She's recently been displaying an interest in signing up to the religion to which all celebrities seem to succumb - after a few months pissing around with Kabalah, that is - Scientology. The main tenets of this seem to revolve around buying L Ron Hubbard's crappy sci-fi books and the administering of personality tests to random people in your local high street. If you ever feel compelled to take one of these tests, we can save you some time and tell you that it's likely to show that you're gullible, easily led and you're quite keen to be ripped off of large amounts of money.
  
  
• She's picked a fight with the Pope. Well, she's said she doesn't like him anyway, which, by the time it filtered down to tabloid level, was treated as if she'd insulted his mother before making a rude gesture in his general direction. And what was the reason for Charlotte making this slightly mild outburst? Was it because of his attitudes towards homosexuality? The Catholic Church's general disrespect towards women? Or perhaps it's the refusal to sanction the use of contraceptives? No, it's because he wants to ban Harry Potter books because they're full of witchcraft and other such ungodly things. This in itself doesn't make him a bad person, although he is, we want to ban Harry Potter books, or at the very least ban adults from reading them. Especially if they buy the ones with the bloody adult covers.
  
  
• She's dating a Welsh rugby player. Despite being Scottish, we generally support Wales in sporting events for reasons which are far to dull to go into but are pretty much based around us not caring about sport at all and wanting to annoy our far more patriotic friends, even so, we find it hard to understand why she'd want to date someone whose job description consists of him getting a broken nose and a cauliflower ear, before he rounds off the day with 15 pints of lager and a few rude songs. Ah, actually, now we're beginning to understand why she's drawn towards him.
  
  
• She's been picking a fight with George W Bush as well, telling anyone who'll listen the story of him asking her what state Wales was in. She resisted making the obvious joke, instead politely making her excuses and not correcting him. Although when she tells the tale know you'd be forgiven for thinking that she called him retarded before taking out a dunces cap and plonking it on his head. It's not madness to think that Bush has all the intelligence of a doorknob - it's pretty much a given, after all, he's already been outsmarted by a pretzel - but to tell the world this is a somewhat risky strategy given the trigger happy nature of the current incumbent of the Presidential office. We don't want to wake up one morning and find out that Wales has been occupied and now is an American state.
  
  
• She enjoys drinking Cheeky Vimto, port mixed with WKD Blue. This she calls a cocktail which is wrong on two grounds: first of all, a cocktail should consist of at least three separate ingredients, and secondly a cocktail should actually taste nice, which is a test in which both a Cheeky Vimto and, indeed, an ordinary Vimto falls down.
  
  
• Oh, and those pedal pushers she wore on Top of the Pops a couple of weeks back certainly weren't the choice of a sane mind.
  

The Case for the Defence

• It's just a pop song, jeez, don't take everything so seriously. Next you'll be telling us that Chris Martin suffers from jaundice, Nelly Furtado labours under the belief that she's related to a woodpigeon and that the New Seekers really do have nothing better to do with their time than go round every single member of the world's population and teach them, not just the basics, but advanced classes in close harmony singing. Mind you, you'd probably be right about the last one.

music charlotte church

It's Monday! And if you find yourself in a record shop this week then you could do worse and get yourself a copy of the Dancing DJ's vs Roxette single, Fading Like a Flower, which is a dance remix of the classic early nineties hit and, mainly by virtue of it being a dance remix of the classic early nineties hit, it's really rather good indeed. Anyway, enough of that, here's what we learnt from this week's Top of the Pops:-

• Fearne Cotton is joined this week by Jeremy Clarkson. Given that his only connection to the world of pop is that the Top Gear name has been licensed out to various compilations of the "Driving Rocks" variety, we can only assume that he's on the payroll in a bid to plug Top Gear, starting twenty minutes after the end of TotP.
  
• Ah, suddenly his inclusion becomes clear. He's the only person in the world who could genuinely get excited about a new Texas single.
  
• If it wasn't for the fact that Sharleen Spiterri has a voice which makes you want to eat glass, the new Texas single, Getaway might be half decent. Alas, she does, so it's not.
  
• Jeremy, after Fearne names some of the young, up to date acts on tonight's show, says "and for music lovers you've got The Who and Tony Christie". He continued in a similarly disdainful fashion throughout the show. The fuckwit.
  
• If he wasn't a pop star, the lead singer of Maximo Park would be able to carve out a successful career going round schools, demonstrating to young children the sort of person they should be avoiding.
  
• Tony Christie is hoping to keep riding the Amarillo wave by following it up with a re-release of Avenues and Alleyways. Unless he gets Trev and Simon to mime their way through the video, we can't see this going anywhere.
  
• Despite the fact that they could have shown us Bucks Fizz doing the incredibly ace Land of Make Believe, TotP decided to show us them doing Making Your Mind Up for the umpteenth time instead, presumably reasoning that there might be one person in the country who hasn't been bored to tears by the bloody skirt ripping off moment.
  
• Daddy Yankee's Gasolina, the sound of two men having an argument at the holiday resort of your choice, is at number 5.
  
• Daniel Powter's Bad Day, like Deep Blue Something's Breakfast at Tiffany's, Billie Myers' Kiss the Rain and Barenaked Ladies One Week before it, is one of those godawful songs which no-one you know will admit to liking, let alone buying, yet will still hang around the top end of the charts for months like some sort of infernal punishment from an angry God.
  
• Second retro slot went to The Who doing Won't Get Fooled Again. This performance apparently ended with Keith Moon and Pete Townsend trashing their equipment, though this wasn't shown. For an encore, Pete later went on to trash his reputation by getting caught downloading child pornography. The cunt.
  
• McFly's new single is called I'll Be OK. Being OK wasn't on the boy's minds when they wrote this as it doesn't even reach those giddy heights being, as it is, entirely shit.
  
• Tom has now taken to wearing glasses. Despite this, he's still nowhere near as punchable as Danny.
  
• James Blunt is still number one. Rather than show him perform live, we were instead 'treated' to his video, the meaning of which is very subtle and may not have been grasped by all who've seen it. If you're confused, then what he's trying to say is "I have seen the video for Coldplay's Yellow and do not have an original idea of my own, something which is very much evidenced in my music". Hope that's cleared things up.

music tv totp

Sing it from the rooftops! Nicola is ginger again!

Hooray! Woo! Etc!

Well, almost, that is. She's not gone back to her true, natural, proper ginger roots, but has now chosen a deep auburn shade for her hair colour, which is almost as good and is at least a step in the right direction.

We are, of course, talking about the new Girls Aloud single/video, Long Hot Summer, which should now be availiable from your favourite illegal download service. The girls have continued their defiant refusal to spend more than a fiver on a video, this time dressing up as mechanics and dancing around in a garage for no discernible reason other than to allow puerile types make comments along the lines of they can tighten our nuts/play with our dipstick/change our oil/crank up our jack/turn on our engine/fiddle with our spanner/investigate our toolbox/screw in our bolt/charge up our battery/touch our sparkplugs/show us their headlamps/get their hands on our bodywork/give us an MOT/getting shafted by the bill/and so on. Not that we'd be so obviously smutty, of course.

The overalls only last for the first third of the song, the girls swiftly stripping off to display some more revealing outfits. Nicola is the first to fully shed her unflattering costume to show her style and, indeed, a whole lot more in a skimpy top and hotpants. Her early disrobing does not make up for the fact that, alas, the return to something approximating her original hair colour has also heralded a return to the days when she would be lucky to sing along to the chorus, let alone get a solo line. Here her vocal performance is pretty much limited to the middle eight, and, if it wasn't for the fact that every time we sit down to write it we're distracted by visions of Nicola's thighs floating across our mind, a letter of complaint would be winging it's way from our desk to the offices of Girls Aloud's management team.

So, what of the song itself? Cheryl opens it by accusing her boyfriend of crossdressing, something which we're sure has gone down very well with Ashley Cole's teammates, suggesting that he likes it in her shoes. The chorus sounds a bit like Androdgynous Girls in a not-actually-that-much-like-it kinda way, while Nadine gets the whole of the second verse to herself, an opportunity she uses to indulge in some of the worst half-rapping seen since John Barnes was singing for England, Eng-er-land, back in 1990.

This isn't exactly an all guns blazing comeback single in the style of The Show: it's less a statement of intent and more of a "Hello, we're still here, and why not buy our new DVD while you're at it" style reminder. But it wouldn't be TiaPL if we didn't get all unneccessary over a new Girls single that wasn't a) a ballad, b) a cover or, worst of all, c) both, and this is certainly a lot better than the orignially mooted prospect of a cover of Wicked Game. Ultimately, while we'd like to see them push themsleves a little more, Girls Aloud coasting along is still worth a listen and a lot better than 99% of what's out there at the moment. This isn't a classic track, but it will slot nicely on the album inbetween the more killer tracks which we're sure will be on there. They're not daft - well, apart from Sarah - and they know that you never release your best track first, you don't want to peak too early. They've seen what happened to Phixx.

Mind you, past form indicates that the girls generally opt not to bother releasing their best tracks at all, having left both Some Kind of Miracle and Grafitti My Soul to fester as album tracks, instead of letting them get the attention they deserved. Oh well.

music girls aloud

Unfortunately it's not Army of Lovers who are releasing a single called Lee Ryan this week. It is, in fact, Lee Ryan, who's chosen to stun a world still reeling from the discovery that the British public considered James Blunt to have released the bestest record last week by inflicting his own sorry mess on the charts with his debut single, Army of Lovers. It's availaible in all good record shops right now and, if there's any justice in the world, there'll still be loads of copies left should you feel the need to satisfy some sort of masochistic desire by buying a copy. To celebrate we were going to give you ten things about Lee, but we soon realised that there just aren't that many interesting things to be said about him, so instead we proudly present ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about his former boy band, Blue:-

1. Blue were originally called Street Harmony, but changed their name due to audience demand. Said Duncan of the change: "It was all down to our fans. Everytime we did a gig they would all be shouting 'Blooo! Blooo!'. Something like that anyway." Blue was chosen after they rejected the audience's other suggestions of Get Off and You're Shit And You Know You Are.
   
2. No-one has ever successfully remembered which member is Simon and which member is Antony.
   
3. Lee is famous for saying the wrong thing at the time. Famous examples include his "What about the elephants!?" comment shortly after 9/11, suggesting that rather than invest in an electric blanket, the best way to warm up your bed is to pee in it and, most hilariously of all, suggesting that the latest Blue single was really good and that everyone should buy a copy.
   
4. Duncan has never managed to succesfully perform a famous tongue twister about red and yellow articulated vehicles, much to his annoyance and embarassment. Judging by his attempts, lorry seems to be the hardest word.
   
5. Their top 3 hit, One Love, was inspired by Lee's crush on Queen Elizabeth II.
   
6. Trainee lawyers are required to study the lyrics to All Rise as an example of how to build a watertight case.
   
7. Other famous Blue's from history include Blue Monday, New Order's hymn to a malfunctioning drum machine; Blue Peter, a TV programme for middle class children who could really do with a slap; and Betty Blue, the only film not starring Adam Sandler that Lee Ryan has watched all the way through.
   
8. Kool and the Gang have absolutely no regrets about teaming up with Blue for a reworking of Get Down on It.
   
9. Blue once approached M&M's with the suggestion that they produce a limited edition run of sweets containing only blue M&M's. They declined politely, stating that they weren't inclined to take up the option because "No-one gives a shit about Blue."
   
10. Peanut M&M's are far superior to the chocolate ones. But the biscuit ones are pretty good too.

music blue lee ryan

It's that time of the year again, where the sort of person who drives a 4x4, despite the fact that the nearest they come to going off-road is when they accidentally go up on the kerb when dropping Daisy and Rupert off at their local primary school, finds out what album they should buy to replace their now worn down copy of Franz Ferdinand's debut. Yes, the Mercury Music Prize shortlist has been announced and, whisper it, this year they've not done too bad a job.

Of course, it's not perfect. Coldplay's X and Y could be put up against 11 albums picked at random and be found wanting against pretty much all of them; Bloc Party are the sort of band who annoying students pick as their favourite as they think it means they're alternative and intelligent, rather than just dull and easily led; The Magic Numbers no doubt sound great if you see them on a sunny afternoon at a festival of your choice, but on record make you feel about as summery as an evening spent watching documentaries about penguins on the Discovery channel; while the less said about KT Tunstall's inclusion, the better.

Outside of that - and outside of the token entries for that matter, this year Polar Bear and Seth Lakeman are the ones recieving a mild sales boost thanks to their nominations - things look a bit brighter. First up, and we reckon that this might be worth a bet this year, though bear in mind that our previous predictions for this contest have always proven to be entirely wrong, is MIA. Her album, Arular, has been getting rave reviews from all the people who count, i.e. people whose opinions pretty much mirror our own, but might be a bit too leftwing for the panel's tastes. While she might be our favourite, the bookies are ignoring our, ummm, 'expertise' and are instead installing Kaiser Chiefs as their pick for the prize. The Kaisers do give good interviews and have a nice way with a poppy keyboard riff, but do suffer from the rather unfortunate problem that every time we hear one of their songs we love them less and less, thanks to there being quite a high irritation factor about their music. In small doses they're quite entertaining, however. Also on a 'potentially quite annoying' vibe are The Go! Team, who again work best on a singles, rather than album basis.

Proving that indie doesn't necessarily have to be a force for evil are Maximo Park who, despite having an incredibly shit name, provide angular joys, while we have a fondness for Hard Fi, mainly because Tied Up To Tight has the sort of na-na's that would keep even King Kong satisfied. They're being hailed as the new Clash, we can only hope they mean in a Rock the Casbah kindaway and not Sandinista!.

Finally, and pretty much uncategorisable, is Antony and the Johnsons, whose I am a Bird Now is one of the more beautiful records you're likely to hear this year, this is particularly true if you've spent the entire year listening to nothing but Atomic Kitten and James Blunt records. Despite it's gorgeousness, this is probably more of an outsider than the token folk and jazz entries and if this was to win we'd be nearly as surprised as when we realised that the Noise Next Door were being allowed to release more than one single.

Also announcing their shortlist today, and forgetting to include both The Faders and Fierce Girl is Popjustice.com, who have unveiled the artists in the running for their £20 Music Prize, awarded to the best pop single by a UK act over the last 12 months. Of course, their prize money is unlikely to be as life-changing as that of the Mercury, well, unless you're The 411 that is, who, should they win with Dumb, will be able to get a couple of bottles of White Lightning each and drink away the memories of what might have been.

Joining them on the list are the expected - and deserved - entries for previous winners Girls Aloud and Rachel Stevens, Wake Me Up and Negotiate With Love respectively, while Kaiser Chiefs make the double with Everyday I Love You Less and Less earning a place here as well, despite the fact that Oh My God! is clearly a better single.

Goldfrapp crash the party with Ooh La La, which we're not too keen on, mainly because it sounds a bit like a Black Rebel Motorcycle Club song, and anything that sounds like a Black Rebel Motorcycle Club song is going to be a bit rubbish, most notably when it actually is a Black Rebel Motorcycle Club song.

Flying the flag for dance are Uniting Nations with their surprisingly good Out of Touch and Mylo with his surprisingly disappoiting In Your Arms. Basement Jaxx are also there, going through the motions with Oh My Gosh! and demonstrating that once you've run out of ideas you should probably think about ceasing to release records.

Robbie's Radio makes the cut which, before we quietly dropped the feature a few months back, was one of our 117 Acest Things of all Time while Charlotte Church's Crazy Chick, which we've decided we now like a lot more than we originally did, also makes the list, and quite right too.

Finally, we come to what we hope will be head and shoulders above a shortlist which is already standing quite tall, Verbalicious and Don't Play Nice. Back when this was released we told you how ace it was and how you should all rush out and buy it, advice which clearly wasn't taken on board as it stumbled into the charts at a frankly disappointing number 11. Verbalicious herself seems to have vanished off the face of the planet and we can only hope that winning this accolade, which she surely will, will encourage her - or rather her record label - to release a second single and save her from the ignomy of having to do another series of that godawful Jasper Carrot sitcom.

music mercury mercury music prize popjustice music prize

It's Monday! And Last night Top of the Pops moved to it's new home on BBC 2 where, up in our neck of the woods anyway, it's sandwiched between rubbish Scottish soap, River City, and occasionally decent, but generally rubbish sitcom, Malcom in the Middle. Truly the BBC really do see it as the jewel in their televisual crown. And by 'jewel' we mean 'diamond'. And by 'diamond' we mean 'carbon'. And by 'carbon' we mean 'coal'. And by 'coal' we mean 'dog shit'. Still, let's see what we learnt from this week's show:-

• The lovely Fearne Cotton isn't trusted to present the show by herself, what with her bein a girl and all, so prone to slight skittishness, so each week she will be joined by a guest presenter to keep her in check. This week Phill Jupitus takes on the task of counteracting Fearne's enthusiasm with a mix of cynicism and a general air of wishing he was somewhere else.
  
• Inaya Day only got to number 9. Boo!
  
• As the show's now on BBC 2, it seems we have to endure the most annoying part of the old TotP2 show, apart from Steve Wright's voiceovers that is: irritating and obvious facts running across the bottom of the screen.
  
• Proving that being on the more 'mature' channel doesn't mean they're going to blunt their cutting edge, next on the line-up is, umm, Paul Weller.
  
• To be fair, From the Floorboards Up isn't too bad a song, especially when you consider the fact that it's got the drag factor of it being a Paul Weller song.
  
• In a "It's cheaper than actually booking acts" kinda way, they're now using archive performances to fill up the airtime. First up is Take That with It Only Takes a Minute!
  
• Ah, they don't make them like that any more. Well, not successfully anyway. Sorry, V.
  
• Fearne is obsessed with telling us that we'll seeing the chart on TV for the first time. Presumably she is unaware of the concept of teletext.
  
• The album chart run down now has a 'hilarious' voice over.
  
• Charlotte Church's choice of pedal pushers for her performance of Crazy Chick were somewhat ill advised.
  
• In what seemed like a flashback to the days of Movies, Games and Videos, the cast of the new Fantastic Four movie appeared for no reason other than to plug the new Fantastic Four movie. Can someone please tell us under which of the Reithian principles to inform, educate and entertain this feature came under?
  
• Anastasia and Ben Moody from Evanessence, the sort of coupling which only appears in our worst nightmares, are doing the theme song, Everything Burns, for the Fantastic Four movie. You have three guesses as to what it sounds like. And the first two don't count.
  
• More retroness, this time from Madness with Driving in my Car. Madness have, in their time, done some good songs, Michael Caine, Our House, Wings of a Dove, for example. This wasn't one of them.
  
• Hayseed Dixie, with their cover of Outkast's Roses, manage the impressive feat of going from vaguely amusing to intensely irritating in the space of one song.
  
• Banarama's new single, Move in my Direction features nice, bored, slightly out of tune - in a good way - vocals, but overall it's a bit too generic and not the killer comeback we could have hoped for. Oh well, perhaps it's a grower.
  
• James Blunt is at number one with Beautiful. Suddenly the prospect of a Crazy Frog, Tupac and Elton John collaboration seems really appealing.

music totp tv

Have you ever read one of our pieces and thought, "Blimey, that was shit! I could do better than that with my eyes closed!"? Of course you have! Even we look back on some of the stuff we've published and realised that we've occasionally set the quality bar somewhat low. Well, here's your opportunity to take over and show us exactly how comedy pop commentary should be done.

In August the Fringe hits our home town of Edinburgh, which means that the city is awash with the cream of the world's theatrical, musical, comedical and, umm, dancical talent. On the one hand this is great! As we'll be off out seeing shows every night and generally pretending that we're a lot more cultured than we actually are, but on the other this overdose of entertainment doesn't exactly leave a lot of time for casting our eye over the UK music scene. This is were you come in.

Rather than letting the site go into a month long period of vague hibernation, we're looking for a couple of people to write for the site and, assuming this experiment doesn't turn out to be an unmitigated disaster, we'll be keeping you on as part of the team for as long as you're interested in doing it.

If you want to join us, and we can think of a few reasons why you wouldn't, send a sample article to talentinapreviouslife@gmail.com along with a brief description of who you are and why you want to sign up for this uniquely rewarding experience. Oh, and by 'uniquely rewarding' we mean 'you're not getting paid so it's personal satisfaction only'.

Closing date for submissions is on Wednesday, 27th July. Thanks!

So, despite not having released anything of note for roughly ten years, and even then doing little of any merit, Oasis are currently in the midst of a sell out tour of the country's enormodomes, going through the motions to an audience who should really be old enough to no better. To celebrate this 'achievement', we proudly present ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the nation's favourite living definition of the phrase "living off past glories":-

1. As Liam is now the only member of the original line up still present in the band, going to see Oasis live is a little bit like going to see The New Drifters, David van Day's Bucks Fizz or The Bootleg Beatles.
   
2. When Gem and Andy Bell, former members or Heavy Stereo and Hurricaine #1 respectively, joined Oasis, sceptical scientists were finally convinced that it was possible to go below rock bottom.
   
3. When dining at his local greasy spoon cafe, Noel always orders the soup. He reckons that it's better value 'cause you get a roll with it.
   
4. Music critics looking back on the Britpop wars generally agree that, while Oasis may have lost the battle for the singles crown, and that while Blur may have lost the album wars, the real losers in the whole sorry affair were the record buying public.
   
5. Liam only owns two books. One is Watership Down, because "I fooking love rabbits, me", and the other is a cheap rhyming dictionary with all the pages torn out apart from the one with 'shine' on.
   
6. Noel is desperate to be John Lennon despite the fact that he isn't even close to posessing the talent of the ex-Beatle. And John Lennon, lest we forget, is really shit.
   
7. Liam is famed for his hilarious comments in interviews. He's also famed for his movie star good looks, diction, lack of need to swear to make a point and for having two entirely distinct eyebrows.
   
8. Noel never ever tries to hype up an album he knows is disappointing, formulaic, by the numbers toss, released mainly to prop up another money spinning tour by telling anyone who'll listen that it's "a return to form and our best album ever".
   
9. Any band who names Oasis as an influence can safely be assumed to be shit.
   
10. Don't Look Back in Anger is pretty good, mind.
    

music oasis

Summer's here, kids! So what better time is there to release a record which is designed to be heard in dank, sweaty, smoky nightclubs? Well, quite, but such a blatant disregard for this country's seasonal climate can be forgiven when the song in question is Inaya Day's version of Prince's Nasty Girl. It's easily the best song released this year, though, when taking in that piece of hyperbole, you may wish to bear in mind that we have the memory of a goldfish and the attention span to match and so would be hard pushed to name ten other singles which have been released this year, let alone ten good ones.

Nasty Girl is a storming disco stomp which explodes from the speakers, spraying everyone in the vicinity with a fistful of glitter - alas, not literally, though it would be a pretty cool attatchment if that were the case, such a thing would certainly reinvigorate the somewhat stagnant sales of physical singles - and demands to be heard by anything with ears. It's everything you ever dreamed music could be, a sultry statement that smoulders with soulful sass and swaggers across the stage with a sexy shimmy. Appalling alliteration aside, however, you really do need to get this record in your life, you need it like your lungs need oxygen, or like Chris Martin needs a kick up the arse. In short, stop reading this and go out and buy a copy of it. After all, you don't really want to see Elton and Tupac at number one for a fourth week, do you?

music inaya day

It's Monday! And you wait weeks for a Top of the Pops review and two come along at once. Yes, for scheduling reasons best known to the BBC, this week's Top of the Pops was broadcast this evening, just 3 days after the last edition, which means there's quite possibly too much TotP for one week. There's certainly too much Reggie, that's for sure. Anyway, here's what we learnt from this week's show:-

• Kanye West reckons that Diamonds are from Sierra Leonne, which must come as a shock to the part of his fan base which reckoned they came from the Elizabeth Duke collection at Argos.
  
• His performance was initially as full of energy as a mug of Horlicks, but half way through he seemed to suddenly realise that he was actually on the telly and so started putting a bit more effort into it.
  
• For his next release, Crazy Frog is releasing a cover of Hot Butter's Popcorn. For the inevitable third, can we suggest The Smiths' That Joke's Not Funny Any More?
  
• James Blunt proves once again why you should always keep away from men with bad haircuts clutching an acoustic guitar as if their life depended upon it.
  
• Roll Deep, Dizzee Rascal's old crew, are about to release The Avenue, and it's really rather fantastic indeed. Even if they do look like a slightly more street Blazin' Squad.
  
• The Paul McCartney/U2 version of Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band from Live 8 manages to get worse every single sodding time we hear it.
  
• "What have you done today to make you feel proud?" asks Heather Small. We can only hope that her record company boss takes that lyric to heart and does the only thing he can to do allow him to hold his head up high: cancel this release.
  
• Rachel Stevens only got to number ten. This implies that Mariah Carey, who got to number 2 - "Thanks African orhpans!" - is better than her. There is no contest in the world for which this would be true, except for "Looking a bit like a hamster".
  
• Tupac and Elton John are still number one with Ghetto Gospel. Remember kids, someone being dead doesn't suddenly mean they're actually any good.

music tv totp

To Murrayfield, where on Wednesday the last of the Live 8 gigs designed to change, if not the world, then at least the profile of certain high priority artists took place. We had planned on doing this piece on Thursday but, y'know, we didn't. In fact we didn't originally plan on covering this event at all and went to the pub instead, a plan which would have met with success had it not been for the fact that they were showing it on the telly there. So here, for your delectation, are a few thoughts about the gig, though we would like you to bear in mind that by the end of the event we were quite drunk, so we apologise if our views become somewhat random, incoherent, or make reference to things that never actually happened.

• The Proclaimers, who were first on stage, turned up, performed 500 Miles (I'm Gonna Be) and promptly buggered off, leading us to the conclusion that gigs in general would be a lot better if the bands turned up, did their hit before promptly buggering off.
  
• Jamie Cullum is a cunt. Even more so when he wraps a saltire around himself before draping it across his piano.
  
• And we're very disappointed with Natasha Bedingfield, not only did she exert the poor judgement of turning up to duet with Jamie Cullum on his painfully tuneless cover of The Beatles' All You Need is Love in the first place, she then proceeded to allow him to ruin These Words by allowing him to do his plinky plonk nonsense all over it. We'd be having words with her about that if it wasn't for the fact that we're no longer able to contact her for legal reasons.
  
• Wet Wet Wet turned up to perform their first number one and the second Beatles cover of the night, With a Little Help From My Friends. They did, however, fail to point out the fact that the only reason that this got to number one was due to the massive sales boost it recieved thanks to Billy Bragg covering She's Leaving Home on the AA side. Ahem.
  
• McFly. All About You. Yawn. We went to get peanuts at this point.
  
• Davina McCall turned up with what we assume was 20 odd random kids, rather than her extended family. She encouraged the audience to get out their mobiles and text their name to the Make Poverty History petition, instantly leading to 20,000 entries for Maxwell on the list.
  
• A performance by One Giant Leap allowed Will Young to demonstrate his new ringworm influenced hairstyle, while also being pretty damned good and the sort of thing that should really have been happening at the 'proper' gig.
  
• Sugababes did a pretty weak version of Stronger. Heidi showed that it wasn't just the boys who could have dodgy haircuts, sporting a particularly rubbish do herself. Poor Heidi.
  
• Bono, unable to resist a photo opportunity if his life depended upon it, then took to the stage clutching a briefcase to mutter some nonsense about how he doesn't play golf. He made great play about the fact that he'd been up at Gleneagles that afternoon and that the case contained all the names of the people who wanted to make poverty history and, as such, was a mandate for change. Surely if that was actually the case, rather than just being a slightly cheap prop, he'd have been better off leaving it up there with them.
  
• Annie Lennox. More peanuts. Though she did give quite good speech at the end of her set: if she can avoid singing and stick to the old talking we might, well not warm to her, but at least be slightly less ice cube like when she's on the telly.
  
• Bob Geldof defied expectations by not, for possibly the first time in his life, performing I Don't Like Mondays at a public gathering, instead giving us Rat Trap. He then went and blew his brief jump in our estimations by claiming that The Thrills were the best band in the world and expecting us to believe him.
  
• For the record, The Thrills aren't the best band in the world. Even if they were the only band in the world, people would still refuse to give them that accolade, reasoning that there would surely be something better around the corner.
  
• And around the corner was, ummm, Eddie Izzard and Midge Ure doing Vienna in the pouring rain.
  
• Chris Evans led the crowd in a Radio Ga Ga sing-a-long with handclaps. Bouyed by the success of this, he then attempted to get the crowd to do the fingerclick every 3 seconds. This was, apparently, a crowd who had no concept of how long 3 seconds actually was.
  
• Feeder did Buck Rodgers, Embrace did Ashes, we did the pub quiz machine.
  
• Looking a lot happier than at Live 8, Youssou N'Dour teamed up with Neneh Cherry to do a storming version of Seven Seconds. It's amazing to what heights he can soar when he doesn't have the deadweight of Dido dragging him down.
  
• Apparently, according to the review we're using as a memory jogger at any rate, Ronan Keating turned up to do Rollercoaster, while Beverly Knight did Angels with Guy Chambers on the piano. We personally have no recollection of this, which means it either wasn't televised, or we were a lot drunker than we thought we were.
  
• Speaking of the telly coverage, Edith Bowman proved herself to be a worse presenter than Jo Whiley, which is a rather impressive feat. She's possibly the only person in the world who gets genuinely excited by the prospect of interviewing Dougie from Travis.
  
• With every passing year, Sharleen Spiteri from Texas looks more and more like the Clyde shipyard worker she was in a previous life.
  
• Katherine Jenkins - we forget whether she wore a nice dress or not - did Nessun Dorma, which didn't prove to be much of a mass sing-a-long.
  
• Snow Patrol and Travis were reasurringly mediocre, but the crowd seemed to enjoy themselves. Travis were particularly chuffed, as they often are when such a moment occurs, to be performing Why Does it Always Rain on Me to an audience who had just been rained on. If they did that after we'd just experienced a soaking, they'd soon be making friends with the wrong end of our umbrella, that's for sure.
  
• The Corrs did Breathless which, seeing as it's easily their best song, was a good thing. Bono then reluctantly joined them on stage for Stars Go Blue, by which we mean he had to be held back from physically throwing Andrea to the ground and wrestling her mic from her.
  
• Bono, Midge and Bob then came on stage to lead the crowd in a brief rendition of Flower of Scotland, before standing with arms raised as they celebrated what they'd hopefully achieved that week. Midge made the schoolboy error of not standing in the middle, thus allowing picture editors to easily crop him out of any shots of this.
  
• And finally, James Brown, who really was excellent, despite the fact there's something incredibly wrong, yet oh so right, about him demanding to know from one of his young girl singers whether she knew that he was, in fact, a sex machine, James stormed the stage. His claims to be the "Hardest working man in show business" are, however, somewhat thrown into doubt when his technique mainly seems to consist of him starting a song, sitting out the middle bit at the back of the stage while someone else takes over - Will Young in the case of Papa's Got a Brand New Bag - before coming back to finish it, this can be forgiven though, when you consider his age. We're also quite pleased to see that, despite the trousers being of a red sparkly kind, James follows the genetic coding of all old men everywhere by having a waistband that lies somewhere near the nipple area. Godfather of Soul, we salute you.

music live8 live8 edinburgh

So, some stuff happened in London yesterday, but let's not dwell on that as life must go on as, indeed, must Top of the Pops, albeit on an entirely different channel as next week the show gets demoted to BBC 2 to allow it to lose enough viewers so that the Beeb can justify dropping the show from the schedules re-energise and reinvigorate the show. Nevertheless, here's what we learnt from this weeks Top of the Pops:-

• "It's been a very interesting week", opined Reggie as he opened the show, before going on to cite Britney Spears being a bit more pregnant and Robbie Williams chatting up Fearne Cotton on Live 8. Quite.
  
• Charlotte Church has been taking fashion tips from Natasha Bedingfield. Hooray for floaty skirts!
  
• Not only did yesterday's bombs in London cause untold misery, destruction and disruption, but they also caused a minor inconvenience for Top of the Pops as Queens of the Stone Age had to pull out, leaving them with three minutes to fill. To this end, they decided to show a video, and asked the the audience to choose from a selection. The audience, however, chose to interpret this as being asked to make twats of themselves, which they did with aplomb.
  
• Gwen Stefani's Hollaback Girl was chosen, allowing her to prove once again that you're never to old to be a cheerleader.
  
• Though we reckon that Madonna probably is, come to think of it.
  
• Despite what you'd expect given his previous, Mario's Here I Go Again defies this by not being irredeemably shit. Who is this imposter and what has he done with the real Mario? Whatever it is, let's hope it's painful.
  
• The new Mario is a very sweaty Mario indeed.
  
• Babyshambles also pulled out of Top of the Pops due to their single, Fuck Forever being pulled from the schedules as the band aren't happy with it. Quite how anyone could ever be happy with a Babyshambles single is something that we'll probably never understand.
  
• Heather Small is re-releasing Proud because London has won a massive regeneration project at the taxpayers expense the Olympics. Surely this is the last thing Londoners need right now.
  
• Craig David is back! And he's going All The Way! And he's still shit!
  
• He's also donated his tea cosy hat to one of his girl backing singers.
  
• Backstreet's back in the Top 10! Alright! It's just a shame that their big comeback single is so meh and unmemorable, really.
  
• Inaya Day's Nasty Girl really is seven shades of brilliance, isn't it? This means she might no longer be going to hell for her involvement in Mousse T vs Hot 'n' Juicy's Horny.
  
• She also gave what eas easily one of the best TotP performances we've seen in a long time.
  
• Tupac and Elton John are at number one with Ghetto Gospel. The Crazy Frog had more artistic merit than this.

music totp tv

The rather lovely Rachel Stevens releases a new single this week. It goes by the name of So Good and, like all her work, excluding More, More, More, Funky Dory - and most of the similarly titled album for that matter - it's really rather ace indeed. Unfortunately, as seems to be the case with really ace singles these days - and the less said about The Faders recent chart position, the better - it seems set to limp into the charts at a none too impressive position. This is, like liquidising puppies and Live 8, a bad thing, so we'd be quite happy if you lot could get down to your local record shop and buy a copy. Cheers, you know it makes sense. Anyway, to celebrate the fact that Rachel will soon be returning to doing piss poor covers, rather than anything, y'know, good, here's ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the only Ex Club 7 member that the general public could actually pick from a line-up:-

1. Rachel has a degree in astrophysics, and can often be found hanging out at the back of her tourbus, discussing the finer points of quantum mechanics with her main dancer, Archibald.
   
2. Contrary to popular opinion, Rachel can sing live. She just suffers from a minor disability which causes her mouth to move milliseconds before the sound starts coming out.
   
3. She initially refused to record Sweet Dreams My LAX, believing it to be about a constipation cure.
   
4. All profits from S Club 7's Don't Stop Movin' went to help sufferers of Parkinson's disease.
   
5. Rachel is a lycanthrope, and requires that a selection of raw meat, plus one live sheep are placed on her rider for any gigs on or around a full moon.
   
6. She has webbed feet, which is quite appropriate as 'duck' is very nearly what most FHM readers think about when they look at her.
   
7. If this single fails, then Rachel will be able to be found doing her thing five nights a week in Spearmint Rhino.
   
8. After moaning that she never had a dream come true in the S Club 7 song of the same name, Rachel was shocked when last week she found herself sitting an exam she hadn't revised for in the nuddy. The 3AM Girls carried out a brief interview with her on this experience, but it was cut short after they morphed into her mum and dad, only more like dragons.
   
9. Rachel was clearly the best actress in the S Club TV series, and still feels miffed that she missed out on an Oscar for Seeing Double.
   
10. We miss Jo.

music rachel stevens

If Geldof gets his way, come tomorrow afternoon a million activists will be in Edinburgh and in the evening, assuming the city hasn't been burnt down to the ground - and given the hysterical overreaction by the media covering yesterday's events in which an anarchist/authority stand off plus a couple of skirmishes, mainly involving, as far as we could tell from our standpoint which was, admittedly, miles away from the incident as we were at home watching it on our telly, photographers trying to get the best shot of vaguely angry looking protesters, became known as the "Battle of Princes Street", we can only assume that as far as the coverage is concerned it will have done - 50,000 of them will be 'treated' to a big old gig in Murrayfield Stadium. But what's in store for them? Well, let's have a look, shall we? Incidentally, regular readers might think this is familiar territory but we have, for once in our life, written some 'new' 'jokes' for this. We should also point out that this list is in no way accurate, and is based upon a number of sources which may well prove to be nonsense by the time tomorrow night actually happens. And given that there appears to be far too many acts for an evening gig, we fully expect that it will be.

• Daniel Bedingfield - Daniel was also one of the speakers at the rally organised for the Make Poverty History march in Edinburgh on Saturday. Our eyewitness said of his appearance "He kept singing 'Make Poverty Histor-eee-eee-eee'. It was a bit like something out of South Park". Which is fair enough as he is quite two dimensional. What Billy Bragg made of sharing a stage with the hyperactive Jack Black-a-like is, as yet, unknown.
  
• Natasha Bedingfield - We know we say this every time we mention her name, but just as time won't wither her beauty, it won't make us able to do any more than sigh wistfully in her presence. Sigh.
  
• Richard Branson - Will hopefully only be there to introduce an act. We imagine his singing voice to be similar to one of his jumbo jets taking off. He arrived in town on Monday, presumably not trusting his own train company to get him there on time. Yes, that's right, we did just do a joke about trains running late. We really are that cutting edge.
  
• James Brown - If you're stuck for how to get home after the gig, feel free to hang around back stage and ask James for directions. He knows the way to the bridge.
  
• George Clooney - George will be manning the First Aid tent throughout the gig. He's predicting an epidemic of swooning amongst women of a certain age.
  
• The Corrs - Yup, it seems that, contrary to all expectations and rational expectations, they are still going.
  
• Jamie Cullum - Cunt.
  
• Dido - Having tired herself out performing at the Paris, Eden and London Live 8 gigs, Dido will be attempting to do the same to the Edinburgh audience, hoping to quell their potentially riotous thoughts by sending them into a happy slumberland. She's likely to be disappointed, however, as while slumberland is a guaranteed stop on the Dido railway, happiness can only be found by not even getting on her train.
  
• Embrace - Recently had a comeback thanks to Coldplay's Chris Martin writing a song for them. This is a bit like being a slightly dull painter who's suddenly become quite successful because you handed your paints over to a chimpanzee.
  
• Bob Geldof - Seriously, The Great Song of Indifference really is good. Anyway, as with Live 8, he'll no doubt do another 'surprise' performance of I Don't Like Mondays, in the sort of unplanned event that involves your entire backing band ready to go on stage and everything all soundchecked in advance.
  
• Lenny Henry - Taking on introductory duties, reminding the world, as if the world needed reminding, that he's far better at charity than comedy these days.
  
• Natalie Imbruglia - Parental Advisory: Contains Explicit Simpering
  
• Eddie Izzard - "Woargh, eeeehr, so, ummm, yeah, Make Poverty History? How about we, urrgh, make jam history instead, yeaargh, the cats could help. Because cats, errm, hate jam. And wasps. Urrr, the cats that is, they hate wasps. But wasps love, erghh, a bit of jam, can't get enough of it, buzzz buzzz, jam, mmmm. yeah. Woargh."
  
• Peter Kay - Will be joining the crowd at the stage door to ask James Brown for directions.
  
• Ronan Keating - When the going gets gruff, the gruff get Ronan.
  
• Beverley Knight - One of the UK's least essential but strangely resilient artists. What your mum would be like if she was a pop star. Although we do realise we're using the word 'star' somewhat recklessly there.
  
• Annie Lennox - She'll do another emotional performance of Why?, we reckon. Boredom is an emotion, isn't it?
  
• Baaba Maal - A good thing about the Murrayfield gig is that, rather than sending all the African artists away to a big glass dome in Cornwall and hoping nobody notices how offensive this is, they get to play on the proper stage and get treated as equals. Hopefully the audience won't be twats and rush on mass to the toilets during their slots. Such behaviour is entirely unnecessary, especially when you've got Annie Lennox on the bill.
  
• The Mahotella Queens - They do 'Mbaquanga', which is apparently a fusion of traditional South African tribal music with South African jazz, blues, soul, and gospel, which explains why the name's a bit of a mouthful.
  
• Miriam Makeba - She's sang before both President Kennedy and Paul Simon. If only there was something else linking those two names.
  
• McFly - They did the Tokyo Live 8 gig, where they appeared on the same bill as Bjork. Since then, bookies have drastically shortened the odds on porcine aviation.
  
• Youssou N'Dour - Now that he's dueted with Dido, he's never going to feel clean again.
  
• Brad Pitt - Seriously, what has he done with his hair?
  
• The Proclaimers - Who are scheduled to open the gig with 500 Miles, which is vaguely appropriate, what with the marching theme of the day. Of course, when you get right down to it, few people would walk 500 miles to see the Proclaimers play, but if they could get a bus they'd probably be up for it.
  
• Oumou Sangare - She practices the Wassoulou sound, which is based on an ancient tradition of hunting rituals mixed with songs about devotion and praise. We reckon she might be a bit like Charlotte Church.
  
• Claudia Schiffer - Probably a good bet for a "nice dress" moment.
  
• Snow Patrol - Probably not a good bet for a "nice dress" moment. In fact, Claudia's probably a better bet for a "good song" moment than these chancers.
  
• Sugababes - They know all about poverty, having had many hits with songs about the subject, Hole in the Bread, Cheap Like Me, Overdrawn and In the Red-dle.
  
• Texas - You can say what you want about Texas, unfortunately you can't help but pepper it with uncomplimentary swearwords
  
• The Thrills - Not since The Incredibly Entertaining All Tuba Orchestra has a band been so inappropriately named.
  
• Travis - We believe they'll be doing Why Does it Always Rain on Me, Side, with it's "A circle only has one side" lyric, and it's follow up single Fuck Me! Aren't Triangles Pointy?.
  
• Midge Ure - Someone sent us a cryptic e-mail which suggested that he'd be doing something about an Austrian city, but that means nothing to us.
  
• Wet Wet Wet - We've ran out of Marty Pellow/Heroin gags now. Sorry.
  
• The Zutons - Don't Ever Think (Too Much) they sang, which is good advice if you're listening to The Zutons. Thinking too much while listening to the Zutons is playing is likely to lead to you coming up with better things to do with your time, such as not listening to the Zutons.

music live8 live8 edinburgh

So, it's the afternoon after the night, evening, late afternoon, early afternoon and very nearly early morning before and, now that the image of the blogger.com posting screen which has burnt into our retinas is beginning to fade, we can take a step back, look over the days events away from the hype of the whole affair and say, quite definitively, and without the over exaggeration and hyperbole which coloured most people's views during proceedings, that the Live 8 gig was easily one of the worst musical events the world has ever seen.

Of course, we're not hugely surprised by this state of affairs; we had already seen the line up after all, but low as our expectations were, and believe us, they were low, it's still perversely impressive how this alleged extravaganza still managed to disappoint us with it's banality and utter irrelevance to anything that's currently happening in the world of music. Unless poverty is entirely eradicated by the end of the year, there is no possible measure that you could use which would lead to the gig being described as a success, unless your definition of success is "Bob Geldof singing to a bunch of people without the police being asked to intervene".

Of course, negative as we are, there were some highlights to the event, so before we start sticking the boot in, let's list them, shall we?

• Snoop Dogg
  
• Joss Stone's dress

And that's it. Actually, that's not entirely fair, REM were pretty good, and The Killers very nearly were, but even then, there was nothing to differentiate their performances from one they'd do every night during a tour, other than the drastically shortened nature of the set of course, and that was one of the major problems with the whole event: the complete lack of any sort of spectacle. Everyone just came on, did their thing and buggered off again, occasionally peppering their performance with a vague piece of rhetoric, a choir or, as in Razorlight's case, both. Even Snoop seemed a bit lackluster. To be fair, he did have an onstage posse and some dancing girls, but we're not entirely convinced that that represents him pulling out all the stops. We reckon that that's the sort of set up he has even if he's having a quiet night in watching the telly. Of course, you could argue that the lack of spectacle was deliberate, so as not to overshadow the message of the day which, lest we forget, was the whole point of the gig in the first place. But even as it stands, the message vanished down the back of the sofa long before the gig started. People weren't, as Bob seems to reckon, there to show their solidarity with the cause. People were there to see Madonna and Pink Floyd. The people who truly gave a shit were the ones marching in Edinburgh yesterday. They got off their arses to make their views known, and all they had to look forward to was Daniel Bedingfield speaking at a rally after the event. Truly they made a great sacrifice for the cause.

For a supposed once in a lifetime event, it's hard to shake off the feeling that we've heard it all before. We'll leave the last word on the matter to reader Lousie Farnell, who sent us this e-mail shortly after we signed off our coverage: "Just to say 'Thank you' for this blow by blow account of Live 8. I am so glad I continued my life as normal and did not miss anything good.".

music live8

Yes, despite it being quite a nice day here in Edinburgh, we've decided against actually leaving the house and wandering around town in a white t-shirt in the vague hope that it might make a difference, and will instead be spending 8 and a half hours sat in front of the telly watching the Live 8 coverage and trying to think of new and original ways to call Bono a sanctimonious git.

This piece (Click here to see it by itself) will be updated constantly throughout the day, to provide a blow by blow, as it happens account of the days events, so keep hitting your refresh button. We should be republishing it every few minutes or so but if, as is quite likely, we forget and it seems like it's been ages since we updated, send an e-mail to talentinapreviouslife@gmail.com to give us a kick up the arse. Also! We'd like to know what you're thinking about the whole shebang/debacle so please e-mail us your thoughts and opinions to the same address and we'll publish a selection of them as the day goes on, i.e. when we've run out of new and original ways to call Bono a sanctimonious git.

12.59PM: Right, let's do this then.
1.00PM: McFly started at 3AM oover in Tokyo, while The South African gig began an hour ago. They appear to be having the excitement of a man whistling. We feel quite glad to not be there.
1.01PM: Host Jonathon Ross declared that everyone who bought tickets on eBay for the show is morally reprehensible, this is despite the fact that he's wearing a horrible bright yellow suit which is a far greater crime.
1.03PM: Jo Fucking Whiley :(
1.03PM: Fearne Cotton :)
1.04PM: She reckons it's going to be an awesome day, despite the fact she just brought up the fact that Joss Stone is on the bill.
1.04PM: Elton John is being interviewd by Johnathon Ross in what we can only describe as desperate filler.
1.05PM: As the gig doesn't begin til 2PM, we expect there's going to be a lot of this for the first hour.
1.06PM: Elton appears to be dressed as a member of Interpol.
1.08PM: Johnathon has made the first joke of the night about Geldof being a bit scruffy.
1.09PM: Jo Whiley and U2. The Edge gets excited by logos.
1.09PM: "U2 go down on Noel Edmonds chopper", says one of the members who's nethier Bono nor The Edge in a reference to their entrance to the site last time around. This may be while he never normally gets to speak.
1.11PM: Bono is a sanctimonious git.
1.12PM: Bono: "We don't want people putting their hands in their pocket, we want people punching their fists in the air" - to Coldplay?!
1.13PM: Johnathon: "85% of the world's population will be able to tune in", of course, whether they will or not is an entirely different matter.
1.14PM: McFly and Good Charlotte in Tokyo, apprently these are the best moments so far. This doesn't exactly bode well for the rest of the day.
1.15PM: Dreams Come True. We've never had a dream about something quite so inspid as they appear to be.
1.16PM: More McFly, cut mercifully short.
1.16PM: Crowd shot reveals that a chunk of the audience all have massive foam hands emblazoned with what appeared to be the Daily Mirror logo. Nice to see they're not letting an advertising opportunity slip through their massive foman fingers.
1.17PM: Geldof discussing the original Band Aid record, just in case you've somehow managed to miss him telling that particular story.
1.20PM: Geldog and Michael Buerke with Johnathon. Geldof is wearing a beret at a rather jaunty angle. Buerke is currently hatless, though we reckon he'll be in a red sparkly top hat, high kicking his way across the stage for the big finale later on.
1.23PM: Geldof is at least making the point that throwing money at Africa without changing the way we trade with the continent would be a waste of time.
1.24PM: Bob claims that him and Michael will be doing Bridge Over Troubled Water later on. Michael reckons he'll be down the front, punching his fist in the air.
1.26PM: Shots of the stage being put together and some 'exciting' facts and figures. Perhaps the BBC should have waited until nearer 2PM before starting their build up.
1.27PM: Fearne has randomly bumped into Johnny Vaughn and is interviewing him. Can anyone tell us why people thought he ever had any talent?
1.28PM: She's now interviewing Cat Deely and Edith Bowman. Christ.
1.30PM: Johnathon: "Now I know how Cat Deeley's day's going, I can relax"
1.30PM: Ricky Gervais 'doing' G4. Definitely the highlight so far, although we're hoping to see Fearne interviewing a weathergirl later on, which'll probably just top it.
1.33PM: Andrew Marr providing the political background to the whole thing. He's done a short film and, judging by the poor framing and the shonky camera work, he's done it entirely by himself with a camcorder he's got on loan from Dixons.
1.36PM: Andrew: "Africa is an incredibly involved and complicated issue, it'll take decades to sort it out". Well, that's going to piss on a few people's chips.
1.37PM: Crowd shot. Despite the fact that not a single thing is happening on stage, there are already girls up on their boyfriends shoulders for no other reason than to vaugely irk the people behind them.
1.38PM: Andrew still talking about why all the bands are giving up their time for no other reward than a sense of well being and a massive increase in album sales.
1.39PM: Jo Whiley and Dido. Bring back Fearne and Cat.
1.40PM: Dido "I happen to be a musician". Since when?
1.40PM: If you know you're going to be asked about your feelings and experiences of poverty in Africa, you should really have a rough idea of what you're going to say instead of stumbling over it as if your tongue is too large for your head.
1.42PM: Jusging by the hairstyles and outfits, we're now seeing shots of the original Live Aid gig. Either that or it's Die Toten Hosen in Berlin.
1.43PM: Mahotella Queens in Johannesberg, or Jo'berg as it's 'trendily' being called. We bet Jake Shears is wanting to know the number of their stylist.
1.45PM: Bono and Paul McCartney will be opening the show in just 15 minutes. The build up is so interminable that this is beginning to sound like a good thing.
1.45PM: Graham Norton is in Philadelphia. He's pretending to be Rocky, as opposed to many of the artists who'll be appearing who'll just be stoned.
1.47PM: He's interviewing a few of the artists, though it says a lot about his standing that the only people who seem to want to speak to him are Def Leppard, Jon Bon Jovi and Josh Grogan.
1.49PM: Fearne is talking to an over excitable girl in the crowd. Though as she's looking forward to seeing Robbie Williams, it's hard to know why she's getting quite so unecessary about it all.
1.50PM: Some very smiley Ozzies. They make saving the world seem like the funnest thing in the world.
1.51PM: Sanjeev Bhaskar chatting to Jonathon for no apparent reason.
1.52PM: As the Gay Pride march is happening at the same time, they've descended into a collection of euphenisms for homosexuality, presumably because they're actually 12.
1.54PM: Fearne can smell the excitement. Either that or a portaloo's blocked.
1.54PM: She's pointed out Ronan Keating and Ulrike Jonnson backstage. Remember that this is an event which features some of the worlds biggest stars.
1.55PM: Jonathon and Jo Whiley are chatting. Jonathon is desperately tellign us to stay tuned, we're not surprised if this is the best they can offer.
1.56PM: The crowd are cheering. Things might be about to happen, either that or they've just announced that Annie Lennox has cancelled.
2.00PM: Jonathon started doing his big link to open the show, only to have his thunder stolen when he was told that they weren't quite ready. Instead we're seeing Status Quo opening the show in 1985.
2.02PM: Some big, if out of time, pips, a shot of Big Ben, and Johnathon's big link, introducing all the concerts.
2.03PM: A band of guardsmen have just played. We really are at the cutting edge, aren't we?
2.04PM: It's U2 and Paul McCartney. The crowd is going wild. We'd be pretty livid as well.
2.04PM: They're doing Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, do you see what they've done there? It was twenty years ago today! Brilliant! Sigh!
2.05PM: And the Bootleg Beatles are doing the horns.
2.05PM: Of course, thinking about, a song about a washed out band is quite appropriate for a lot of the line-up today.
2.06PM: Bono: "The Macca, Paul McCartney, What a trip". Now ther's an advert to not take drugs.
2.07PM: U2 are doing Beautiful Day. Paul McCartney appears to have buggered off.
2.09PM: Bono has managed to work the names of all the gig venues into the lyrics of the song.
2.10PM: They've released some doves. That girl really is chuffed that Jackson got found not guilty, isn't she?
2.11PM: Bono: "Paul McCartney, what a gift to the world!". We wonder if he's still got the receipt.
2.12PM: Vertigo and the video screen changes to reflect the album's artwork. Remember, kids, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb is availiable in all good record shops right now.
2.13PM: A banner in the crowd reads "Live 8 b4 it's too late" which, as far as we can tell, doesn't make any sense whatsoever and has been chosen for no other reason than it rhymes.
2.15PM: Bono is wearing an a black denim jacket and jeans. Unless you're B*Witched, the all over look is something of a fashion faux pas.
2.16PM: Bono: "We can't think every problem, but those we can, we must". He does have a point, and is listing a number of statistics which are quite shocking and which we can and, indeed, should sort out. But still, sanctimonious git.
2.17PM: Bono: "Make history by making poverty history", which the crowd have cheered, though having attended a number of political rallies in the past, getting a partisan crowd to cheer a statement of that sort isn't exactly a taxing task.
2.18PM: One. We have a slight soft spot for this song, mainly because Johnny Cash did an absolutely fantastic version of it.
2.19PM: The flags of various African nations are floating past on the backdrop behind them. We reckon that that's going to be used for every vaguely slow song during the day's events.
2.21PM: That young girl down the front looks really bored.
2.22PM: A bloke with a whistle and 'happy hands' seems to have confused the event for an illegal nineties rave.
2.23PM: A brief accapella version of the Righteous Brother's Unchained Melody, though as the audience didn't seem to know the words, he's cut it short.
2.24PM: And they're off. Jonathon is back, joined by, bloody hell, Sting.
2.25PM: Fearne was talking to the audience about their thoughts on the U2 gig, a feature which was thankfully cut short due to technical difficulties, also known as the director going "Jesus god, no! What dull leaden horror is this?!"
2.28PM: Jo Whiley is talking to Keane, proving conclusively that birds of a feather flock together. And we're specifically talking about dulls with a dull grey plumage here.
2.29PM: Keave will be doing two songs, one of which will be Bedshaped. Mark this down as a toilet break.
2.30PM: Richard Curtis is a fan of Keane. It figures.
2.31PM: Sting will be doing exactly the same songs he did 20 years ago at the original Live Aid gig. Nice to see he's putting a bit of effort in for the event, isn't it?
2.31PM: Though he is changing the lyrics of "Every Breath You Take" to "We'll be watching you". And who says political commentary is dead?
2.32PM: Coldplay. Chris Martin is bouncing up and down like a labrador puppy who's just found out where they make toilet paper.
2.32PM: We reckon they're doing In My Place, though given the remarkable similarity of everything in their back catalogue, we need to wait for the lyrics to come in.
2.33PM: Chris is wearing every single wrist band the world has ever seen on his left arm. With any luck at least one of them will be restricting his circulation. He's certainly not very good at getting the blood pumping, that's for sure.
2.34PM: Though they can get a rush of blood to the head. Arf!
2.35PM: Chris has forced a brief cover of Rockin' All Over The World into the song. For reasons best known to himself, he did it in the style of a rastafarian.
2.36PM: He's also doing Freddie Mercury's "Oh-oh" call and response thing. At this rate he'll be telling us to donate our fucking money next.
2.36PM: He's introduced Richard Ashcroft to perform the "best song in the world". Can they really be teaming up for a cover of ELO's Mr Blue Sky?
2.37PM: No.
2.37PM: It is, in fact, Bittersweet Symphony. Yawn. For younger readers, Richard Ashcroft was vaguely big in the nineties with a band called the Verve. They were rubbish, but they used strings, so they got called epic and lots of people bought their records.
2.38PM: His solo work was rubbish too. Most notably Song for the Lovers which, when we hear it, makes us feel very glad we're single.
2.40PM: Even Fat Les, who parodied the video for this, were better.
2.41PM: In fact, wouldn't it be good if they were a surprise addititon to the bill?
2.41PM: Actually, no. Not unless they were to get everyone on stage for a performance of Naughty Christmas (Goblin in the Office)
2.42PM: Chris: "People who are cynical are, in our minds, pretty stupid". Uh huh.
2.43PM: Fix You. Perhaps someone should, in the vetinary sense, fix Chris, so that there's no chance of him having any more children with which to carry on his legacy of yawnsome music.
2.45PM: Chris has drawn an equals sign on his hand. This, we think, is a reference to the Make Trade Fair campaign. Either that or he's wnating to show that he was a big fan of the DashX character in Eerie, Indiana.
2.48PM: Bye bye Coldplay.
2.49PM: Despite Chris saying that "If the BBC don't show the film, they're not doing their job properly", The BBC promptly didn't show the film, which would presumably be about what the gig's supposed to be all about.
2.50PM: One thing's for sure, based on what we've seen so far, it's definitely not about the music.
2.51PM: Andrew Marr is back again, vaguely going on about mobile phones.
2.52PM: Jonathon is talking about globalisation in a postive way, despite the fact that globalisation is one of the reasons why Africa is getting royally screwed over.
2.53PM: Back to Fearne and the crowd. Her bum appears to be shaped like a box.
2.53PM: Someone down the front: "It's not about the music, it's about making poverty history!", "Yes", said Fearne, quickly moving her microphone to another punter who'd be more likely to say "U2 were brilliant!"
2.55PM: Fearne: "Is it just about the music for you?" Enthusiastic punter: "Yes!"
2.55PM: Jo Whiley, Richard Ashcroft and Coldplay. Ashcroft clearing enjoying the fact that people are, for a brief moment, interested in what he has to say once again.
2.56PM: Little Britain doing Lou and Andy. A pair who are also used to rehashing past successes despite the law of diminishing returns.
2.58PM: Elton John, making with the Peace signs.
2.59PM: We don't recognise this track. Sorry. Maybe he'll do the one about the dead princess later.
3.01PM: Someone in the audience has an Elton John scarf, which they're waving about with gay abandon. This means that there is at least one more person there to see Elton than we thought there'd be.
3.03PM: Oh, it might have been The Bitch is Back, but we're not entirely sure how that goes. Like that. Probably.
3.03PM: Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting. Is this Elton trying to encite a riot amongst the Make Poverty History marchers in Edinburgh?
3.05PM: Mind you, he'll probably be proved right once everyone tries to get out the gig's carpark simultaneously.
3.08PM: T Rex's Children of the Revolution with Pete Doherty. Blimey.
3.09PM: Who promptly threw a flag over the camera.
3.10PM: He appears to have only a vague grasp of what the words to the song are and is more interested in trying to keep his hat on his head.
3.10PM: Of course, the most impressive thing about his appearence is that, in an event in which everything needs to run like clockwork to get it all together, he actually managed to turn up on time.
3.11PM: As performance's go, it's a bit rubbish, mind.
3.12PM: Jonathon: "It was a bit like Lieutenant Pigeon".
3.13PM: He's with Travis. We're warned that they'll be on in about an hour or so.
3.13PM: Fran could at least have had a shave. It's on the telly for Christ's sake.
3.14PM: Tokyo has just finished their gig, closed by the always lovely Bjork.
3.17PM: Still desperate to fill the gaps between bands actually playing, Jo Whiley is now interviewing Vernon Kay. We don't think that even Vernon Kay's mum is interested in the opinions of Vernon Kay.
3.18PM: Bob Geldof, in his white suit. He's the new Martin Bell!
3.19PM: Bob: "Thanks for coming. It would have been a bit crap if nobody had turned up". If a gig happens and no-one turns up to witness it, is it still mediocore?
3.19PM: Bob is introducing a man who, judging by the lavish praise being heaped upon him, can only be one step below God himself. Who could it be?
3.20PM: Bill Gates?! Jesus fucking wept.
3.21PM: Still, it's funnier than the Little Britain skit.
3.22PM: Bill: "And now I'm pleased to introduce Dido", see what we mean? Comedy gold.
3.22PM: She's doing White Flag. We're beginning to feel like surrendering as well.
3.23PM: Note that we said 'doing' White Flag, as the performance we're witnessing certainly can't be described as 'singing'.
3.26PM: Yousson N'Dour has joined her on stage, looking slightly ashamed to be in her vicinity.
3.27PM: They're doing Thank You. Now with added bongos.
3.28PM: His contribution so far seems to be limited to dancing slightly badly.
3.28PM: Oh, and a call of "New Africa!"
3.29PM: Now he's getting into it! The best thing about his contributions is that they tend to drown out the Dido.
3.30PM: The crowd is demonstrating it's inability to clap in anything approaching a coherent rhythm.
3.32PM: They're now doing Seven Seconds. Dido is no Neneh Cherry.
3.33PM: She's not even an Eagle Eye Cherry for that matter.
3.34PM: Actually, Eagle Eye Cherry, doing Naughty Christmas (Goblin in the Office). Now that would change the world.
3.35PM: Banner: "Each year 17 million people die from curable diseases". It's not quite "Point your erection in my direction", is it?
3.37PM: That was the longest 15 minutes of our life.
3.38PM: Jonathon and David Walliams and Matt Lucas. Now in their normal clothes. Jonathon is still dressed in a ridculous, comedy fashion, however.
3.40PM: Highlights package which, despite the name, includes footage of Zucherro in Rome and Katherine Jenkins doing Amazing Grace in, admittedly, a lovely dress in Berlin.
3.41PM: More from Eden. Apparently they'll have to endure a Dido set later on as well. Poor them.
3.42PM: Duran Duran giving the crowd what they want to hear in Rome. Assuming that what they wanted to hear wasn't the hits, but the depressing self parody that was Sunrise.
3.43PM: Jo interviewing Nick Mason, presumably because Dave Gilmour and ROger Waters would argue over how much mike time they got if they were being interviewed.
3.43PM: The Stereophonics. We're beginning to think that whoever put this bill together really wanted to make sure that everyone went out and protested, rather than staying in to watch it.
3.44PM: They're doing the Bartender and the Thief. Kelly is wearing shades and they're all wearing leather. Could this be the worst moment in musical history?
3.45PM: No, not while the Dido performance is still fresh in our minds.
3.45PM: Has anyone found a highlight to the gig yet? Mail us and let us know.
3.46PM: Kelly added a bit of Ace of Spades into the song. Lemmy from Motorhead, lest we forget, is a holocaust denying cunt.
3.48PM: Dakota, marred initially by technical difficulties. Though when we say "marred", we mean "briefly improved by the golden hope that they might have to give it up as a bad job and bugger off home".
3.49PM: Occasionally it sounds like it's going to turn into "I Can't Reach You" by Daniel Bedingfield. It's come to something when you start to think that Daniel Bedingfield appearing would be an improvement.
3.51PM: The bored looking kid from the U2 set is now getting over excited for the Stereophonics. We blame the parents.
3.52PM: Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, they're now doing Maybe Tomorrow.
3.54PM: To be fair, if we were one of the G8 leaders and we were forced to watch this, we'd accede to any of Geldof's demands, just to make the pain stop.
3.54PM: Local Boy in the Photograph. We quite like this one actually. Sorry.
3.56PM: Worryingly, this is now our best bit. We feel very dirty for saying that. The sort of dirt that won't wash off.
3.59PM: Jeremy Clarkson?! Discussing his back pain with Jonathon Ross? Oh Mr BBC, you really are spoiling us.
4.02PM: Coco Mbassi, live from what looks to be an incredibly sparsely attended gig at the Eden project.
4.03PM: Cut short so that we can find out that Jeremy Clarkson is looking forward to seeing Pink Floyd. Who on earth is making these editorial decisions?
4.04PM: Fearne Cotton talking to Neil Morrisey. It's not explained what he's doing here, though we're quite hopeful it's to perform Can We Fix It later on in the set.
4.05PM: Or Naughty Christmas (Goblin in the Office)
4.05PM: Ricky Gervais is on stage, heckling a roadie.
4.07PM: He's getting booed for not doing "the dance", despite the fact that it was the least funny thing in The Office.
4.08PM: He did it. It's still not funny.
4.08PM: It's REM. Do Stand!
4.08PM: They're doing Imitation of Life instead. Bastards.
4.09PM: As it's a special occasion, Michael Stipe has dressed as a blue masked avenger. Either that or he started with the eye shadow and just didn't know when to stop.
4.10PM: It matches his shirt though, which shows a certain stylish quality.
4.11PM: Which is, of course, offset by the fact he's got blue bloody paint all over his face.
4.13PM: They're doing Everybody Hurts. Well we never saw that coming.
4.14PM: Still, it still has a certain power when sung in unison by entire field of people.
4.16PM: The hand waving is taking the piss a bit though. If it was later in the evening you just know that half the audience would have their lighters out, on the basis that "That's what you're supposed to do at gigs".
4.17PM: Michael has managed to get the entire audience clapping in time. This is probably the most impressive thing we've ever seen.
4.18PM: Fearne is interviewing Razorlight. Jonny Borrel appears to have developed breasts.
4.19PM: "It's not about nostalgia", says Jonny, getting the politics back in, "It's about a lot of shocking statistics". And the statistic we're most shocked about is his bra size.
4.20PM: Back to REM, half way through Man on the Moon. Michael has said "balls". A valiant effort, but the original event is still more sweary.
4.22PM: He's also undone his jacket. All the better to dance badly with.
4.24PM: Jonathon and Ricky are together, after a dig by Ricky, Jonathon makes it quite clear that he's not being paid for this gig.
4.25PM: Fearne is talking to the Killers. The pink jacket is gone, Brandon is instead sporting an all white suit. Pink is presumably too frivolous for such an event. Dodgy eyeliner, however, is seemingly entirely appropriate.
4.26PM: They've decided that their entire oevre can be summed up with one song, All These Things That I Have Done. They may have a point.
4.29PM: After Ricky slagged off his suit, Jonathon: "I wanted to look a bit colourful, like an african might.". Uh huh.
4.29PM: Kofi Annan is on stage. It's Naughty Christmas (Goblin in the Office) time!
4.30PM: Kofi: "This is really the United Nations". Hang on, that's not how the lyrics go!
4.31PM: It's Ms Dy-Na-Mi-Tee-Hee!
4.31PM: She wants everyone to wave their hands from side to side. Unfortunately she can't always get what she wants. Mind you, if she tries some time, she might just find, that she gets what she needs.
4.32PM: "Everyone sing along!". Surely a hundred thousand people declaring themselves to be Ms Dynamite-hee is just going to cause chaos as they all attempt to take advantage of the backstage privliedges awarded to a star of her calibre.
4.33PM: Such as a dairylea triangle and directions to a toilet.
4.34PM: She seems really excited to be there. But then, it's not like there'll be another chance for her to perform to this many people again.
4.34PM: She's giving it a bit of politics from the stage, and fair play to her.
4.35PM: Redemption Song, and sounding rather good as well.
4.38PM: Graham Norton in Philly, discussing the atmosphere at their gig. The mosh pit there is apparently all seated.
4.41PM: Round the concerts, without actually bothering to tell us who's playing. Germany had some Garbage esque band by the looks of it, Rome had Anastasia's mum doing Another Little Piece of My Heart, and we have no idea what was going on in Paris.
4.42PM: Fearne is interviewing Paul McCartney. It was more interesting when she was interviewing random punters from the audience.
4.43PM: Announcer: "Is everyone happy?!", the audience cheered enthusiastically. "Well this'll make you happier! It's Keane!", he lied.
4.44PM: Tom came on and screamed "Live 8", drawing attention to himself for reasons best known to himself.
4.45PM: They're doing Somwhere Only We Know, which reminds us why we were quite keen (arf!) on Keane in the first place.
4.48PM: Now they're doing Bedshaped, which reminds us why we went off them and decided that they were of about as much interest as a brand new dishcloth.
4.51PM: He also mentioned the names which were scrolling behind them, which are the names of random people who have texted in - or joined up on-line - to get their name on the petition which will be handed to the G8 leaders to let them know that the British public reckon poverty's a bit of a bad thing and they'll even sign their name to make their point across, which we're sure will have the leaders shaking in their boots. We're keeping an eye out for Amanda Hugankiss and Homer Sexual.
4.53PM: Jo's interviewing Ms Dynamite. It was "Amazing", she says. Thanks for that!
4.54PM: Jonathon is with the Stereophonics and described their set as "blinding". Which it was, in the sense it made you want to gouge out your own eyes.
4.56PM: We're going round the country, seeing some of the big screens which are broadcasting the concert to various members of the public. Or, to put it another way, we're watching people watching telly, on telly. It mainly demonstrated the ability of people to act like twats when a TV camera is pointed at them.
5.00PM: Geldof is back on stage. "There are over 3 billion people watching you at this minute", is the a record for the amount of people who have been simultaneously dissappointed?
5.01PM: Will Smith is opening the Philly gig. "Bigger than the Olympics", he says. Which is probably true, although the Olympics tends to have more winners.
5.02PM: Philly says hello to London. London says "Top o the morning" to Rome. Rome says hello to Berlin. Berlin says hello to Paris. Paris says hello to Ontario and Ontario says "wassup" to Philly. Isn't that friendly? We're not sure what Russia would have said to anyone if they'd been asked.
5.04PM: Will's telling us that every 3 seconds a kid dies due to problems caused by poverty. This is true, but he's going to have a hard time leading into Miami after that mood killer.
5.07PM: He's trying to get the entire audience around the world to click their fingers in time to the 3 second thing. Given that it's an impossible task to get one row of people at a gig to clap in time, we reckon that this is a somewhat over ambitious and futile task.
5.08PM: Travis. Yuk.
5.09PM: They're doing Sing, despite the fact that this is the last word that's on your mind when confronted with Fran Healy.
5.12PM: They're doing Sing again. What? No, wait, sorry. Apparently it's Side they're doing now. It's very hard to tell.
5.16PM: They're inserted a brief cover of Stayin' Alive with 'hilarious' falsetto's. And surely it's in somewhat poor taste to be doing a song with that title as part of a gig designed to cut down on infant deaths?
5.17PM: Claimed to be wearing really tight pants to hit the high notes. To prove this point he then pulled out a pair of Make Poverty History pants from the back of his trousers to prove his point. The world of comedy's loss is, well, the world of music's loss as well.
5.18PM: Why Does it Always Rain on Me? Because you're a whiney git with all the charm of a junk yard and the musical talent of a man with hammers for hands. You should count yourself lucky you've not been struck by lightening.
5.22PM: The video backdrop appears to be showing areas of Africa hit by drought. Are they taking the piss?
5.23PM: Bob's back!
5.23PM: And he's going to do a song! Is it the Great Song of Indifference?
5.24PM: Is it buggery, it's I Don't Like Mondays.
5.24PM: He also appears to be getting the biggest sing-a-long of the day so far.
5.26PM: Last time he did this he paused for an age after the "Lesson today is how to die" line. He's doing exactly the same thing this time around, with his fist raised, much in the manner of a broken down robot.
5.28PM: Presumably once poverty is eradicated, he'll be throwing his weight behind the Make Mondays History campaign.
5.29PM: Midge Ure on Bob's I Don't Like Mondays: "That was dreadful!"
5.30PM: He's now rushing off from his interview with Fearne to try and get on stage to do If I Was, whether the audience like it or not.
5.31PM: Jonathon: "You can press red to see the other concerts from around the world". We did this and our telly switched off. Arf!
5.32PM: George Aligiah is now having a chat with Jonathon. Seemingly half the BBC News room are here, which leads us to wonder who's going to be putting together tonight's bulletin; the cleaning staff?
5.35PM: Remember, if you'd like to get 'interactive', you can e-mail your thoughts to talentinapreviouslife@gmail.com and we'll publish a selection later on this evening.
5.36PM: It's Brad Pitt! And he's being simultaneously wolf-whistled by at least one third of the audience!
5.37PM: He's getting political, but we reckon that most people aren't listening to him and more wondering what the fuck he's done to his hair.
5.38PM: Oh for fuck's sake, it's Annie Lennox. And she's looking virtually identical to Brad Pitt.
5.40PM: And she's mirroring the thoughts of the nation by performing Why? It's a stripped down version with just a piano which, let's face it, just doesn't compare with DJ Sammy's recent tranced up version.
5.44PM: Annie: "The issues can no longer be ignored", unlike Annie herself, of course, who's quite easy to ignore. We're finding it quite easy to pretend she isn't happening.
5.45PM: Little Bird, now with a full band. You know, thinking about it, it's quite good of the organisers to put Annie on at tea time, as it allows everyone there to head off to the burger van to get some food, safe in the knowledge that they're not actually going to miss anything good.
5.49PM: Ah, a bit of Sweet Dreams, this might actually be good.
5.50PM: Mind you, we preferred Thorn in My Side.
5.51PM: And When Tomorrow Comes, for that matter.
5.52PM: She's also doing some bad dancing, which seems to be a recurring theme throughout the day's events.
5.53PM: In Philadelphia, we have the Black Eyed Peas. With the same sort of imagination that informed the choosing of the bill, they're doing Where is the Love?
5.54PM: You see if, like U2, they chose to let some peace birds fly free during their set, we could have made a "Where is the dove?" joke.
5.55PM: But they haven't, so it's a missed opportunity.
5.56PM: There's apparently 1 and a half million people at the Philly gig. We reckon that at least 1 million, four hundred thousand of them have a really shit view.
5.57PM: Still no doves :(
5.58PM: You see, this thing has got us questioning, "Where were the doves?"
5.58PM: Green Day doing American Idiot in Berlin. We feel sorry for the Germans.
6.01PM: Now he's said 'Germany', in German. And there was a 'fuck' as well. Truely punk lives, though not anywhere near Green Day's neighbourhood, naturally.
6.03PM: Fearne is speaking to Davina. They're discussing open sewers, though ones in the slums of Nairobi, rather than that which appears to be located in the centre of the stage.
6.05PM: It's UB40! Normally we'd take the piss, but after Annie Lennox they seem like the best band to have ever graced a stage in the history of music.
6.07PM: There's a bit of skanking going on as they do Ivory Madonna, taking the quite brave step of doing a song that your average punter there will not particulary care much about hearing, although it's lyrical message does at least resonate with the whole point of the event.
6.10PM: Drummers! It's bringing back bad memories of this year's Eurovision.
6.11PM: At least we can still remember this year's Eurovision, however, we can't see ourselves having any memories of this event in minutes to come, let alone months.
6.12PM: But not missing the opportunity to do a bit of plugging, we get Reasons from their new album, which then segues into a song the audience might want to hear, Red Red Wine.
6.13PM: Paul McCartney can be seen at the side of the stage, bobbing his head and getting into it. Though this shouldn't be seen as a mark of quality as remember, Paul McCartney is a man who likes Paul McCartney songs.
6.15PM: I Can't Help Falling in Love With You. From, of course, the film which was widely hailed by critics to be the greatest film ever made about surveilience cameras in a block of flats starring Sharon Stone, Sliver.
6.19PM: Jonathan: "Nothing kicks off a party like UB40". No, nothing gets you kicked out of a party like UB40.
6.19PM: Jonathan's now with Annie Lennox. She's telling him all about her time in Africa, video of which was used as the backdrop for her earlier performance.
6.23PM: Fearne is with Robbie Williams. He's less interested in talking about the political side of the whole event in favour of playing his irritating and long in the tooth "cheeky chappy" role.
6.24PM: Robbie reckons Fearne "is blossoming as a woman".
6.25PM: Robbie: "Why don't we just get it on now in front of the cameras". Oh, Robbie, you're definitely not over compensating, are you?
6.25PM: It's Beyonce in Philedelphia! Doing Say My Name, despite the fact that we thought Destiny's Child were on the bill themselves. Interesting.
6.27PM: Though not that interesting, obviously.
6.28PM: Perhaps the others are too busy rehearsing for the worldwide performance of Naughty Christmas (Goblin in the Office) which will be the culmination of the day's events.
6.30PM: It's Snoop Dogg f'shizzle! And he's swearing like a motherfucking trooper!
6.31PM: We reckon that this is probably going to achieve a world record for the most times "motherfucker" has been broadcast on the BBC, let alone broadcast at teatime.
6.32PM: He's doing a medley of various tracks, currently running through Drop it Like it's Hot.
6.34PM: Of course, no matter how foul mouthed he might be, it's hard to take it seriously when he's got such cute little pigtails.
6.35PM: Snoop: "Make some motherfucking noise!", and we're sure the Beeb's duty log will be filled with noise about the motherfucking tomorrow.
6.36PM: A bit of Signs, though without Justin actually being there.
6.36PM: Posh and Becks are side of stage, enjoying the Doggfather. We still think she should be on the stage, though only if she has the other four girls with her. Not on her own. Definitely not on her own.
6.38PM: He's also got four dancing girls on stage in remarkably short skirts, with the evening drawing in they'll be risking catching a chill.
6.39PM: Snoop: "What's my name?!" The crowd definitely know what it motherfucking is by now. And quite right too.
6.40PM: The dancing girls have put a pair of jeans on now. Very practical of them, their dads will be proud. Or, at least, they would be if they stopped with the vaguely suggestive dance moves as well.
6.42PM: More call and response, making sure that the handful of people in the audience who might not have grasped it, know exactly who he is.
6.43PM: Goodbye Snoop, and We believe we have the first genuine highlight of the day.
6.44PM: Bon Jovi in Philadelphia and he's doing Living on a Prayer while dressed as a vaguely trendy secondary school teacher.
6.45PM: Moral Code in Moscow. Fronted by one of Goldie Lookin' Chain's grandads.
6.45PM: Bryan Adams in Canada. We dunno what song he's doing, but it's not Summer of '69 so we don't really care.
6.46PM: Brian Wilson in Berlin, doing California Girls at apparently half the tempo we remember the song going.
6.46PM: Jo Whiley is interviewing Chris Moyles. The only way this interview could be marginally less interesting would be if Jo Whiley wasn't there, which isn't a statement that you can say very often.
6.47PM: Chris revealed he was wearing Make Poverty History pants. There are some things that we'd be much happier not knowing. No cause is worth seeing that.
6.50PM: Duran Duran doing the rather gorgeous Ordinary World. We'll let them off the performance of Sunrise we saw earlier.
6.51PM: Cut short as Razorlight take the stage in Hyde Park. Jonny Borrel is wearing a furry deerstalker.
6.52PM: Somewhere Else, appropriately enough as we wish they were somewhere else as well. And yes, we know we've used that joke before, but if they can't be bothered coming up with an original idea, why should we?
6.55PM: Judging by the expression in his eyes, Jonny actually is somewhere else.
6.56PM: Jonny reckons that making a lot of noise is the best way of making things happen. Sure, making a lot of noise'll get you noticed, but it's worth making sure you actually say something woreth hearing and not just a vague decleration of unhappiness with the world situation.
6.57PM: Golden Touch, which was written about one of the Queens of Noize. We saw the Queens of Noize DJing once. There job consisted of playing one song, waiting until it stopped, then putting on another one, all the while dancing badly. We regularly do that in the privacy of our own home, but we've never thought that we should get paid for it. Mind you, we've not shagged any minor indie stars either.
6.58PM: There's a small choir added for the song, which does dramatically improve the song. Mind you, anything that distracts from Jonny tends to help out Razorlight songs.
7.00PM: We don't recognise this track off hand. We'd apologise, but we're not too ashamed at having a lack of Razorlight knowledge.
7.00PM: It does mean that Jonny has taken his shirt off, only 3 songs into the set. This is quicker than even Usher would do it.
7.01PM: Without his shirt on, his breasts are less impressive. We reckon there must be some sort of support garment built into his vest.
7.02PM: Jonny: "All you need is love, Lennon said that; Music can change the world, Bono said that; Sign the fucking petition, I said that", We don't think the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations needs to worry about stoping the presses just yet.
7.03PM: Announcer: "Bob's coming on cause Bob wants to show you something". We're scared.
7.05PM: A filmic reminder of why Band Aid was started up in the first place, which the BBC are actually showing in full this time, though this is probably less down to a desire to remind people of why the event is happening, and more to do with Jonathan getting fed up having to fill by making inane conversation with C list guests.
7.09PM: One of the children from the original VT, now a grown woman, is taken on stage to show all the cynics, hello, that it can make a difference. She gets a impressive round of applause for what, in this country, is the relatively easy task of not having not died. But hooray for Bob!
7.11PM: It's Madonna! She hugs the girl and is looking confused as if she's not sure what she should be doing.
7.12PM: Madonna: "Are you ready to start a revolution? Are you ready to change history?!", which would have been fair enough, had she not treated it like she'd just asked them if they'd been having a good time, by saying "I can't hear you!". She was one step away from dividing the crowd down the middle to find out which side wants to start a revolution the most.
7.13PM: Like a Prayer! One of two Madonna songs that we actually think is pretty damned decent! Although she's doing it a bit slowly for our liking.
7.16PM: Way back in the crowd is someone holding a banner declaring "Madonna! I'm your number one fan!". Though not a big enough fan to actually put in the effort required to get down to the front.
7.17PM: OK, now do Dear Jessie and we may love you forever.
7.18PM: Madonna: "Are you fucking ready, London", "Yes!", cries out London, desperate to hear her do Dear Jessie, and what does she do? Ray of Sodding Light.
7.19PM: Still, at least it's not American Life.
7.21PM: More bad dancing. Essentially her moves show what would happen if you let your mum drink a whole bottle of gin and then played one of her favourite records.
7.22PM: Though the odds of this being one of her favourite records are somewhat slim.
7.23PM: Some breakdancers have come on stage. Either that or the BBC is fed up with all the swearing and has decided to try and cut the show short by doing one of their idents live on stage.
7.24PM: Madonna: "Do you want some more?" We're not sure, the intro playing as she asks this doesn't sound a lot like Dear Jessie to us and we're not that fussed about the rest of your back catlogue.
7.24PM: Music. Remember, for the video for this, she thought that having Ali G in the video was a good idea. This is worth remembering next time someone suggests that Madge is cutting edge.
7.28PM: Now all the choir are dancing with her. It looks quite cool, it's just a shame they're not dancing to a better tune.
7.30PM: She's rather agressively getting the audience to clap along to the outro of the song, even going so far as to call them fuckers. She's dragging it out far longer than even the most rabid Madonna fan would enjoy.
7.30PM: Remember, if you want to get 'interactive' you can e-mail your thoughts and opinions on the day to talentinapreviouslife@gmail.com and we'll publish a selection later on this evening.
7.32PM: Fearne is talking to the audience again, they all seem to have loved Madonna.
7.32PM: Fearne: "Why are you here?" Audience member: "To meet you, Fearne", "But the whole Make Poverty History thing?", "No, just to meet you".
7.34PM: For fuck's sake! More fucking Dido. It's her and Yousson N'Dour doing Seven Seconds again. This time from the Eden Project. Unsurprisingly, she hasn't suddenly become talented in the period since we last saw her.
7.35PM: In Paris nothing is happening, it seems.
7.35PM: Pet Shop Boys in Moscow! Hooray! Seemingly the outro to Where The Streets Have No Name. But we only get thirty seconds or so, before rushing off rather pointlessly to Berlin to see A-Ha do a song which isn't Take on Me.
7.37PM: To Philadelphia where The Dave Matthews Band appear to be tuning up. This is marginally more interesting than actually watching the Dave Matthews Band play a gig.
7.38PM: To Rome, where Nek are playing. Impressively every single gig we've gone to in this segment, the band playing have just been finishing their songs. Well done!
7.38PM: An aerial crowd shot, which does leave you wondering why, other than saying "I was there", a lot of people have gone, as they'll be so far back you'd be as well watching it on the telly
7.40PM: Jo is interviewing Madonna. What we've learnt is that, until Geldof got in touch with her, she was one of the few people in the world unaware that poverty was a bad thing. This is an impressive level of ignorance.
7.43PM: She's still going on. We preferred it when Jonathan was talking to Jeremy Clarkson.
7.44PM: Snow Patrol, who'll prove to be a comfort blanket for those who arrived too late to see the real Coldplay have taken the stage. They're doing Chocolate. Hopefully of the fair trade variety. Arf!
7.46PM: Clearly they're a natural support band as even on a gig like this, they're asking the crowd how they feel about the band following them in a bid to win favour.
7.47PM: They're doing Run. The truely upset about missing Coldplay can now ease their pain by singing along to it with the words for Yellow.
7.50PM: An audience member is either singing along to the song with all his heart or is threatening a camera man. It's hard to tell.
7.52PM: Jonathan is with Jimmy Carr, who declares the event to be the best thing ever. He really is a funny man.
7.53PM: We're seeing some dancing Brummies at the big screen there. It's not quite what you'd call televisual gold.
7.55PM: Fearne has accosted Snow Patrol just as they've come of stage. They had about as much of interest to say as you'd expect.
7.56PM: A stage shot. They're keeping the audience entertained by showing Green Day from Berlin. It's enough to make you want Snow Patrol back on stage.
7.58PM: The Killers. No matter what you say about it, when it comes right down to it, they're all white. Arf!
7.58PM: As promised they're doing All These Things That I Have Done.
7.59PM: If they get a choir in for the finale, we reckon that this could be, as they say, 'a moment'.
8.02PM: There's a choir! Hooray!
8.02PM: Except thir mikes aren't working. Boo!
8.02PM: Oh well, what a missed opportunity. The 6 person choir appears to be the same one that turned up to try and make Razorlight halfway listenable to and are presumably not only availiable for weddings, funerals and barmitzvahs, but also any band on site who wishes to avail themselves of their services.
8.04PM: Brandon introduces Martin Luther King, presumably on screen as while there's a lot of grave digging going on with some of the line-up, they've managed to resist doing it literally.
8.05PM: Another chance to see Paul and U2 do Sgt Peppers. Of course, the fact that it's a once in a lifetime performance doesn't mean that it was actually any good.
8.07PM: Katherine Jenkins, last seen in Berlin wearing a nice dress and doing Amazing Grace, has turned up in the UK to be interviewed by Jo Whiley. Jo: "What was it like in Berlin?" Katherine: "No idea, I was on early and had to run off and get a flight to the UK".
8.10PM: Jonathon introduced Brian Wilson doing Good Vibrations by making allusion to the fact that, what with his precarious mental state, he probably wasn't even aware he was performing in Phialdelphia. This is quite like, which with Brian doing his stuff in Berlin.
8.12PM: Joss Stone who's following Katherine Jenkin's lead by wearing a lovely dress, though not, thankfully, by doing Amazing Grace, has taken to the stage. She's opening with Supa Dupa Love.
8.14PM: Earlier this week Joss hit out at those who'be been carping at the bands playing these gigs and suggesting that, if they want to solve the problem, they should just donate part of their earnings to the cause, what with them being a bit on the rich side. She said ""Hand on my heart, I'm so far from that (filthy rich) it ain't true. Someone needs to tell me where the money is because I cannot find the shit. I mean, I was like 'Please - where the hell is it?' I have bought one thing for myself - a white Lexus and it's gorgeous. But that's all I've bought.". We're sure she had a point when she opened her mouth, but it seems to have fallen by the wayside by the time she actually started speaking.
8.18PM: A song we guess is called I Had a Dream Last Night. It's quite dull, but never mind, it really is a lovely dress.
8.20PM: Some Kind of Wonderful? Whatever, it's better than the last one, and she's certainly giving it her all, demanding a witness and shaking all the bits of her body which are even vaguely shakeable.
8.23PM: Banner: "Bollocks to Poverty". Had that been the official slogan, we doubt they'd have been able to market themselves as strongly to the childrens market.
8.24PM: Goodbye Joss. But more importantly goodbye to her dress. We'll never see it's like again.
8.25PM: Jonathan and Peter Kay. Jonathan: "What's been your highlight?" Peter: "..."
8.25PM: Fearne interviewing Peaches Geldof. Peaches: "It's much better than paying to go to a concert!"
8.26PM: Fearne: "Who have you bumped into backstage", Peaches: "My sister"
8.27PM: Back to Philly, were Will Smith is doing Summertime. With any luck he'll follow it up with a bit of Boom! Shake the Room!
8.30PM: Apparently not. Oh well.
8.31PM: The Scissor Sisters!
8.32PM: Opening with Laura and all dressed in white, except for Ana who's opted for a blue dress. Lovely though it is, it is less lovely than Joss's.
8.36PM: Ana: "At this moment in time we just wanna say 'hi' to our moms, 'Hi Mom!'"
8.37PM: Jake has lost his hat for a quick romp through Take Your Mama Out. We reckon he'll have lost his waistcoat by the time we get to Comfortably Numb.
8.38PM: Ooh! Wouldn't it be ace if The Scissor Sisters close with Comfortably Numb to be followed by Pink Floyd doing the original?
8.40PM: Actually, and it somewhat pains us to say this, The Scissor Sisters do seem to be kinda going through the motions. Of course, even them going through the motions is a hell of a lot better than most bands in the world, but we had hoped they'd take the stage more by storm, rather than the slightly damp drizzle they've gone for.
8.42PM: A new Scissor Sisters song!
8.43PM: And it's a bit like Better Luck Next Time, only not as good :(
8.45PM: It might be a grower though, and Ana is doing some nice tambourine action, so we won't dismiss it straight off. The "What is it that you want/ What is it that you give" bit is pretty good, even if it's putting us in mind of the "I got soul but I'm not a soldier" bit from All These Things That I Have Done.
8.47PM: Jake managed to keep his waistcoat on. This may be a unique occurence in Scissor Sisters live history.
8.48PM: Joss is now with Jonathan and, for some reason, Peter Kaye who hasn't shifted from the sofa. She's still wearing her lovely dress. Sigh.
8.48PM: Peter asked Joss when she sold her soul to the devil. Joss is now keeping as far from him as she possibly can on a very small sofa.
8.49PM: Craig David is doing Fill Me In in Paris. Craig should really think before asking people to fill him in as, depending on the agression factor of the person he's asking, he'll either get a punch, or be told exactly why he's shit.
8.52PM: as we'd be in the latter camp, exhibit A would be the rap we just witnessed.
8.54PM:Christ on a bike, it's Velvet Revolver, apparenlty fronted by Captain Sensible and with Jerry Sadowitz on guitar.
8.55PM: Don't expect us to know any of the song titles for this set, by the way. We daily mourn the lack of new Daphne and Celeste material: this isn't quite our bag.
8.56PM: Though we would like to offer our bag to the band, mainly so that they could wear it as they're easily the ugliest band on stage so far.
8.57PM: And yes, we do remember that Keane were on earlier today.
8.59PM: Singerblokey: "It's not just a rock show, it's music and more". With some of the bands on today, we're not even sure it's music.
9.00PM: Fall to Pieces, assuming we trust the singer and, given his somewhat dubious attitude in matters sartorial, we wouldn't trust him to tell us his own name, whatever that might be.
9.05PM: Singerblokey has taken his shirt off, and is demonstrating the sort of dancing which makes you think that maybe Logan's Run contained some good ideas.
9.08PM: Make Guitar Solos History
9.10PM: A lot of the audience are making devil hand signs. If Velvet Revolver go on much longer, the rest will be making for the exits.
9.11PM: Singerblokey has a megaphone with a siren. He seems bizarrely proud of his ability to switch it on and hold his microphone next to it.
9.12PM: They've left. Thank fuck for that!
9.12PM: Paul McCartney is on the sofa with Jonathan. Paul's favourite act of the day was Annie Lennox. This says a lot.
9.14PM: Of course, the worst thing abojut this revelation is that they're taking the opportunity to show Annie again. At least it's Sweet Dreams, but still, it's still ANNIE LENNOX.
9.16PM: Fearne is talking to Velvet Revolver. Poor Fearne. We're not sure what singerblokey is looking at in the middle distance, but it's certainly not the girl interviewing him.
9.20PM: Lenny Henry is on stage, being quite funny for the first time since... well, ever.
9.22PM: Fucking Sting.
9.22PM: He's wearing a suit, so we should at least be spared the sight of him taking his top off.
9.22PM: Message in a Bottle. We're going to drift off now and imagine Sting trapped on a desert island with, and this is very important, no access to any recording equipment whatsoever.
9.24PM: Shhh! We're still imagining it.
9.26PM: "Well, you can swim for it if you like, but these are shark infested waters"
9.27PM: "Oh, and guess what, the land's shark infested as well.
9.28PM: "And so's the sky"
9.30PM: Driven to Tears. The song he's doing that is, not what he's done to us.
9.32PM: Every Breath You Take which, as we said earlier, features the lyrical change of "We'll be watching you". Just in case this somewhat hamfisted point isn't quite made clearly enough, the backdrop features the faces of all the G8 leaders.
9.36PM: Goodbye Sting. Buzz off, in fact.
9.37PM: Andrew Marr is back! He's not even wearing a tie! Next time we see him he'll probably be drinking from a bottle of beer and asking if he can have a shot on the karaoke.
9.39PM: He'd do a great version of Naughty Christmas (Goblin in the Office) as well.
9.39PM: Jo is with the Scissor Sisters, they still seem somewhat overwhelmed by the occasion.
9.40PM: Jake is making up for having not taken his waistcoat off while on stage and is wearing a shirt slashed to the waist.
9.41PM: Dawn French is on stage. She's not being very funny, which is exactly as expected.
9.42PM: It's Mariah Carey! Or it would be if she actually got on stage.
9.43PM: She's here now. Well, either her or a hamster in a minidress has turned up to entertain us with Make it Happen.
9.45PM: Of course, 'entertain' is a somewhat loose concept when Mariah Carey is involved.
9.46PM: She's got some dancing African orphans on stage. And to think it's people like us who get accused of being cynical.
9.49PM: She picked out her 'favourite' to try and get him to say "Hi". Indeed, so much was he her favourite, that she couldn't even recognise him in the crowd.
9.50PM: She's doing Hero, which she dedicated to the orphan kids behind her. She's turned around to smile at them in a look designed to mix concern with love. We're beginning to feel rather ill.
9.53PM: She's coming to then end now, and is looking very smug and full of herself. This shows an astonishing lack of awareness of what she's just done.
9.54PM: In fact, it's a similar sort of expression that would be seen on a small child who's just finished her potty training.
9.55PM: And now a quick plug for the new single, We Belong Together. The African kids have buggered off for that, this is serious.
9.57PM: Posh Spice is getting into this one.
9.57PM: Either there's a slight delay between the sound and the pictures, or Miss Carey is miming this one...
9.58PM: Jonathan is now joined by John McEnroe for reasons which we doubt we'll ever understand.
10.00PM: Over to Romw where an old man is singing to a young woman, destroying all stereotypes that we might have.
10.01PM: In Canada a man in a plastic hat is singing. Suddenly we feel blessed to have had the London gig.
10.02PM: And to Cornwall, where some scantily clad women are dancing. Suddenly we feel cursed to have had the London gig.
10.02PM: Jo is chatting with Lenny Henry who's plugging the Edinburgh gig, mainly by doing terrible impersonations of all the acts on there.
10.04PM: It's David Beckham: "It's the most historical day I have ever been involved in". He really does have a way with words, just like One True Voice.
10.05PM: It's Robbie! Well if we've not got a Spice Girls reunion, maybe the big surprise will be a Take That one?
10.06PM: No.
10.07PM: He's doing We Will Rock You, which is about as predictable as the Guess The Polar Bear's Colour game.
10.07PM: Still, it did kinda work, especially after having been here for 8 hours where we'll grab pretty much any entertainment we can.
10.08PM: He's doing Let Me Entertain You, which is still very ace.
10.08PM: There is a girl in the front row who, at the start of the gig, was wearing a Union Jack bikini and giving it laldy for U2 and Paul McCartney. Now, despite the evening sun having gone down and the night time chills entering the air, she is still wearing naught but a Union Jack bikini and is still giving it laldy. Though, to be fair, if you were wearing naught but a Union Jack bikini in the chill of the night, youtoo would be giving it laldy, just in a desperate bid to keep warm.
10.10PM: It pains us to say this as well, but Robbie is doing a grand job and storming it, now adding in the refrain from All These Things That I Have Done into Let Me Entertaion You.
10.13PM: He tried to get an acapella crowd sing along to Feel, which came to a bit of a grinding halt when he realised that the crowd didn't actually know the words, so he's doing a 'proper' version of it now.
10.17PM: Angels next?
10.18PM: Yup :(
10.18PM: Of course, it is the best song of the last 25 years, lest we forget. And we all know we can always trust people who vote in phone polls for Brit awards.
10.18PM: He's come down from the stage and is pressing the flesh of those in the front row.
10.19PM: It's not yet known if he pressed the flesh of the girl in the Union Jack bikini and, if he did, exactly what flesh he pressed.
10.20PM: We really want to fault him, but annoyingly we can't. We might not be a great fan of his music, but there's no denying that, when he's on form, he genuinely can be the consumate showman. When he's off centre, he's just an annoying prick, but it's pretty obvious that, for the majority of the audience, this moment will be the highlight of the gig, and while we'd personally disagree, we wouldn't argue too long and hard about their choice as he really did show his star quality tonight.
10.25PM: Peter Kay is on stage, attempting to lead the crowd in a sing-a-long of Amarillo.
10.26PM: And after a few false starts they've made it. Despite the fact it was number one for what seemed like an eternity, the audience do seem somewhat unsure of the actual words.
10.27PM: Peter is also heckling the roadies, so we've returned to the BBC pod where a surprise guest has appeared. Unfortunately, while this could have been quite exciting, it turns out to be George Michael :(
10.32PM: Peter is still getting the crowd to sing Amarillo. We hope he's not planning on staying there all night until they get it right.
10.33PM: He 'hilariously' falsely announced the Spice Girls. In actual fact, it's The Who. Quite.
10.34PM: They open with Who Are You. It took Pete Townsend 5 seconds to do his first windmill.
10.36PM: The role of Roger Daltrey is being played by the same bloke who plays George's Dad in Seinfeld.
10.37PM: Again, we have pictures of the G8 leaders behind the band, just in case the amazing quality of the gig, ahem, has made you forget why everyone's gathered together.
10.39PM: Blimey! How long does this song go on for!
10.40PM: Ah, that long.
10.40PM: Won't Get Fooled Again. Or, in Pete Townsend's case, Won't use my credit card to download child porn again.
10.43PM: Sounding pretty good though, in a Later... with Jools Holland kinda way that is.
10.45PM: And how long does this one go on for? We forget that one of the problemd with music from 'the past' is the fact that it doesn't sit well with the drastically shortened 21st century attention span.
10.46PM: And now we're soloing. We could be here for a while.
10.47PM: Still soloing.
10.48PM: The guitars have stopped, now it's just keys.
10.48PM: No wait, now the guitars, drums are back and Daltrey has screamed into the mike.
10.49PM: And that's it. Finally!
10.49PM: We preferred it when Christopher Eccleston was in the lead role.
10.50PM: Jo and Fearne have joined Jonathan in the BBC Pod. Fearne is wearing a Who t-shirt and, if you believe Jonathan, she represents the youth of the nation.
10.51PM: Nelson Mandella has been speaking at the Live 8 gig in Johannesburg. He said "You're a naughty, naughty, woman woman woman. I'm a naughty, naughty, naughty man. You're a naughty, naughty, woman, woman, woman. I'll do anything, you'll do anything too"
10.54PM: Faithless in Berlin, doing We Come 1. Maxi Jazz is indulging in a bit of call and response with the crowd. He's calling "Come back!" and they're responding "Not bloody likely!"
10.57PM: Roxy Music, also in Berlin, doing Love is the Drug. They have an attractive girl on the old percussion. We like her bongos.
10.59PM: They also have a couple of show girls hanging around the drumkit, presumably thinking, not entirely unreasonably, that Bryan Ferry in a suit isn't the greatest visual spectacle the world has ever seen.
11.00PM: Percussionist girl also has a nice cowbell.
11.02PM: It's Pink Floyd! Possibly the oldest men on site, if not the world! They're opening with Breathe and have shots of the Animals pig floating around Battersea power station for their backdrop.
11.04PM: Dave and Roger aren't even that far apart on the stage. And Roger is even smiling. Dave's still looking like a grumpy sod though.
11.06PM: And now Money, which they may well be gritting their teeth and thinking of, what with the likely boost to back catalogue sales that this gig is likely to bring.
11.08PM: They even smiled at each other! Who knows, With the improbablity of this whole situation we now wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if they announced Syd as a special guest and did See Emily Play.
11.10PM: Dave is gurning like a good one, showing the unattractive side of guitar soloing. Of course, we're not exactly convinced that the attractive side of guitar soloing actually exists.
11.13PM: No Syd, but a cover of Wish You Were Here dedicated both to him and to everyone else who couldn't be here. Though most people were excluded due to Hyde Park being unable to hold 56,000,000 people and still satisfy fire safety regulations.
11.16PM: There's something quite touching about watching Dave and Roger duet on the track. It would bring a tear to the eye of even the hardest soul. Though only if said soul was particularly emotionally attatched to the prospect of a Pink Floyd reunion.
11.17PM: Comfortable Numb, sounding like the Scissor Sisters version never happened. Which, to be fair, in Pink Floyd world, it probably didn't.
11.23PM: Behind the Floyd, the backdrop features the Wall artwork, with Make Poverty History written upon it in the font from that period. This means that they, or at least people involved with the band have actually put a bit of effort in.
11.24PM: Dave, Roger, Nick and Rick, all hugging each other. Awww!
11.25PM: But no Another Brick in the Wall Part II. Oh well.
11.25PM: Only Paul McCartney left to go. We don't think we'll ever be so glad to see him on a stage.
11.27PM: We're seeing the highlights of the day. Apparently this doesn't consist, as you or us might think, of the Snoop Dogg performance in it's entirety and nothing else. It does, however, include Dido and Yousson N'Dour. Someone's got their priorities screwed up somewhere.
11.31PM: Jonathon, Fearne and Jo are discussing their favourite moments. Jo, despite all the evidence to the contrary, said Keane and Snow Patrol.
11.32PM: The fireworks to end the Eden Project gig included the world's biggest catherine wheel and two humans that were set on fire. Apparently.
11.35PM: Stevie Wonder in Philadelphia. He's looking rather jowly these days, but we guess that's what sitting at a piano for a large part of your working career does to you.
11.37PM: And our last act of the evening, introduced by Geldof, it's Paul McCartney.
11.38PM: Desoute it clearly being well past his bedtime, Paul is looking quite alert, with it, and ready to rock in an unassuming and safe style. He opens with Get Back.
11.40PM: "Do you wanna get back?" he asks the crowd, slightly meaninglessly, "I wannt get back! Get Back!"
11.43PM: Baby, You Can Drive My Car. With George Michael, whose microphone seems to be barely turned up above a (careless) whisper. This is a good thing.
11.44PM: Sinitta's GTO covers similar ground to this and is, quite frankly, a far better song.
11.45PM: "Do you want to rock some more? I want to rock some more". We weren't aware he'd even started to rock.
11.46PM: Helter Skelter. Given that today has seen something of a trend towards artists fitting other songs into their own repertois, we'd be really happy if Paul was to fit in a quick blast of the Jamie and his Magic Torch theme into this.
11.51PM: The Long and Winding Road, a cover of the Will Young and Gareth Gates classic.
11.54PM: Which segued into the "Na-na-na" bit of Hey Jude, and every artist who hasn't had any other engagements comes out to sing. Presumably this was chosen as everybody should know the words, and those that don't would be able to learn them pretty quickly. Even if they do have the brain cells of a rock star.
11.57PM: Of course, as finales go, it's not quite up there with having everyone do Naughty Christmas (Goblin in the Office), though we reckon that there's probably less people that know the words to that one.
11.58PM: Even Keith Allen has probably forgotten them.
11.58PM: We could certainly understand if he did want to forget about that whole period of his life.
11.59PM: Bob: "What a night! What a day!", What a crock of shit!
11.59PM: And again with another blast of the Hey Jude Na-Na's. It's one of those songs that, what with it lacking a natural ending, once it's started, it's kinda hard to stop. People will make na-na's of themselves all night if they want to.
12.01AM: A bald man, who we presume is Harvey Goldsmith, is telling us all to be careful when going home. This isn't much of a concern for us.
12.02AM: So it's goodbye from Fearne, Jo, Michael Buerke and Jonathan, as we cross to Philly to see the Kaiser Chiefs doing I Predict a Riot.
12.03AM: And it's goodbye from us as well! As while we're somewhat tempted to stay up and cover the Philly concert as well, we have spent the last 11 hours sitting in a chair, watching telly and writing and we feel if we stay here much longer our body may well begin to atrophy. Whether you've stuck with us throughout the day, or have been dipping in out, then thanks! We'll be doing an overview of the whole event tomorrow where we will publish your comments on the day. If you'd like to tell us your thoughrs, highs and lows or anything along those lines, then you can still e-mail us at talentinapreviouslife@gmail.com. We look forward to seeing your views. Night!

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