It's Monday! And it turns out that the last proper Top of the Pops was actually last week's show, with last night's episode being little more than an episode of TOTP2 with added live - well, half dead in some cases - presenters. Of course, given that looking forward is a bit tricky when you don't have any future to speak of, their backward looking stance probably isn't that much of a surprise. Anyway join us as we look, for the final time, at what we learnt from last night's Top of the Pops:-

• Fearne Cotton, live from Love Island, also known as Pointless Peninsula, got the chance to say the final "It's still number one, it's Top of the Pops", which was nice.
  
• She was wearing a rather rubbish leopard skin headscarf, which was less so.
  
• The opening titles were a montage of all the previous opening titles from the last 42 years, proving if nothing else that the world of graphic design has come on leaps and bounds since the sixties.
  
• Ten ex-presenters are stood in a row. Look! It's Jimmy Savile! It's Rufus Hound! It's Dave Lee Travis! It's... Umm, sorry, who are you again?
  
• Jimmy welcomes us to the show, he also uses his microphone to feel Janice Long's left breast, for reasons which aren't made adequately clear.
  
• A montage of events from 1964, the year the show began, is broadcast. To the sounds of The Beatles we see shots of gang riots, girls being accused of being of less than sound morals for daring to wear a skirt above the knee and Mary Whitehouse moaning on about some 'awfully disgusting' programme. No wonder people don't remember the sixties, if we'd been around in that sort of world we wouldn't want to remember it either.
  
• It would have been nice had they opened the show with the same performance which opened the original broadcast. Unfortunately the BBC were a bit rubbish and reasoned that no-one would be likely to ever want to see The Rolling Stones performing I Wanna Be Your Man again and, to be fair, you can see their point.
  
• Instead they showed us one of their performances from a year or so later, The Last Time - do you see what they've done there? - which demonstrated that even then the band weren't adverse to churning out a lot of forgettable filler with which to fleece their fans.
  
• Despite the staid nature of the performance, the audience look absolutely terrified, but at least they've all put on their very best jumpers for the night.
  
• Pat Sharp reckons that the Spice Girls are the female version of the Stones. We're not convinced, though Geri is a dead ringer for Mick Jagger, now that you mention it.
  
• Their performance of Wannabe is still one of those all time great pop moments which excites every single part of your body that can get excited. Geri seems exciting, Girl Power seems exciting, even Mel C's lame backflips somehow manage to seem exciting.
  
• Dave Lee Travis, in his rush to get back on telly again, has left the house wearing a snakes & ladders board instead of a waistcoat.
  
• He introduces the sixties montage by singing a line of Strawberry Fields, going "Yeah!", thrusting his crotch towards Sarah Cawood and finally doing something dubious with his microphone. He probably genuinely wonders why he's not asked to be on telly more often as well.
  
• 60's Montage
  • The Supremes - Baby Love // Once teamed up with The Tweets to form a supergroup called Chicken Supremes.
    
  • The Righteous Brothers - You've Lost That Loving Feeling // Nine out of ten people who sing this song for Karaoke, can't.
    
  • Stevie Wonder - Uptight // - George W Bush was at a charity event once and noticed Stevie Wonder. He raised a hand to wave at him, but, being a smart man, he swiftly realised the futility of this gesture and lowered his hand. Embarrassed by this faux pas, he turned to his wife and said "God,I hope he never saw that". True story. Worryingly.
    
  • Cliff Richard - All My Love // And with Cliff's lack of bedroom experience, he must have a lot of love to give. Like melons, we understand.
    
  • Bee Gees - Massachusetts // Many bands would consider a song about a mining disaster to be in somewhat poor taste, but not the Bee Gees. Mind you, having seen what they wear in their videos, poor taste is something they're expert in.
    
  • The Crazy World of Arthur Brown - Fire // Arthur is available for parties, though if you have a lot of shellsuit wearing friends you should probably reconsider. Your friends, that is, not just booking Arthur Brown.
    
  • Tom Jones - Delilah // Tom contains so much testosterone that he's been known to make women pregnant just by standing in their general vicinity.
    
  • The Hollies - Sorry Suzanne // And we'd be apologising too if we were in The Hollies
  
  
• Rufus Hound and Tony Blackburn shared a slightly awkward scripted moment regarding who has and hasn't appeared on the show as they linked into Jackson 5 performing Rockin' Robin.
  
• Quite offensively Michael Jackson has blacked up for this performance. Maybe he thought he was appearing on the Black and White Minstrel Show.
  
• Next up was a montage of some of the presenters the show's had over the years. If you think we've got anything more to say about that subject, you can think again.
  
• Robbie Williams can pull out the goods when he wants to, y'know, as proven with the excellent version of Let Me Entertain You shown here. It's just a shame that he prefers to go down the route of sub-Elton balladry.
  
• 70's Montage
  • John Lennon - Instant Karma // "We all shine on / Like the moon, and the stars, and the sun". Yes, the man really was worth hailing as a poet, wasn't he?
    
  • Elton John - Your Song // It's a good thing Elton doesn't write his own lyrics as his ego would never let him write a song about someone else.
    
  • The Who - Won't Get Fooled Again // Featuring, lest we forget, convicted sex offender Pete Townsend on bass.
    
  • Rod Stewart - Maggie May // Rod's songs can now be found in the musical Tonight's the Night, the plot of which involves a man who wants to impress a girl and so decides to become like Rod Stewart. We really don't want to know in what sort of world this is a even halfway plausible.
    
  • T.Rex - Get it On // Marc Bolan had many talents. The ability to avoid trees, alas, was not one of them.
    
  • Slade - Cum on Feel the Noize // No matter how many royalties they earned, not one of them ever thought to invest five quid in a dictionary.
    
  • Mud - Tiger Feet // The dance routine for this was probably knocked up in five seconds. This is four seconds longer than it took to write the song.
    
  • Abba - Waterloo // This was written about the most luxurious toilet Benny had ever been in.
    
  • Queen - Killer Queen // Freddie Mercury could occasionally be described as 'flamboyant'.
    
  • The Three Degrees - When Will I See You Again // Given the harsh face of Sheila Ferguson it'd probably as long as could decently leave it.
    
  • Status Quo - Down Down // Well, it said Down, Down on the caption at any rate. When it comes to Status Quo the name of the song doesn't really mean that much.
    
  • Bob Marley and the Wailers - Exodus // Due to not spending half our life stoned, we've never really got into Bob Marley.
    
  • Blondie - Denis // Due to a clothing mix-up, Debbie Harry was forced to perform in one of her bandmates shirts and nothing else. She must have been mortified!
  
  
• After the montage, and entirely unprompted by anyone, DLT decided to tell an anecdote about playing brush guitar with Brian May on TotP. We say anecdote, it was more the dull ramblings of a man who genuinely has nothing interesting to say whatsoever.
  
• David Bowie doing Starman, few men can get away with wearing a skintight multicoloured jumpsuit. Babies, yes, but grown adults? No.
  
• Behind Dave is a young man in a tank top who is clearly watching himself on the monitor. He dances with a concentration that belies the sheer awfulness of his moves. He must cringe with embarrassment every time this clip is shown.
  
• The nostalgia continues with a glance at the dance troupes the show used to have on when they couldn't be arsed booking any proper acts. The main qualification for joining seemed to be that you were both female and possessed no feelings of shame or self respect whatsoever.
  
• Beyonce's high octane performance of Crazy in Love is still a supersonic rocket of a live appearance, shooting straight out of the atmosphere and into orbit around planet party. Or something like that, anyway.
  
• 80's Montage
  • Adam and the Ants - Antmusic // If you want to hear what actual any music sounds like, go and stand in an anthill. You might find it a bit scratchy, though.
    
  • Kim Wilde - Kids in America // Woah-oh. Sorry, it's a reflex action.
    
  • Bucks Fizz - Making Your Mind Up // Dear God, no! Sorry, it's a reflex action.
    
  • Spandau Ballet - Chant No.1 // Nowhere near as good as Gold, obviously.
    
  • Human League - Don't You Want Me // Phil Oakey's hair is possibly the world's only example of a sideways mullet.
    
  • Duran Duran - Rio // It's probably best that Rio was the inspiration for this song as "Her name is Thames and she's full of sewage and dead bodies" doesn't quite have the same sorta ring to it.
    
  • Culture Club - Karma Chameleon // We're not quite sure why people found Boy George's gender so confusing. There was a bit of a clue in the name, you know.
    
  • Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas Time? // The follow up single, Are they Even Aware that it's Whitsun, for Christ's sake proved to be less successful.
    
  • Eurythmics - There Must be an Angel // Given their more recent stuff, who'dve thought that Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart might have actually done something worth listening to?
    
  • Kylie and Jason - Especially For You // A duet that would bring a tear to even the coldest stone heart.
    
  • Bros - When Will I Be Famous // This question was answered very quickly, but a more pertinent one to ask would have been "How long will I be famous for?"
    
  • Yazz - The Only Way is Up // One of only seven songs about broken lifts to ever make the charts.
  
  
• The frankly horrific sight of Sonny cooing over Cher in their drippy duet, I Got You Babe is next to insult our retinas. The audience, equally as black and whit as the performers, seem similarly unimpressed. Or bored, as it's more accurately known.
  
• The audience themselves are the stars of the next set of clips, as they demonstrate that there's no-one more self conscious than someone who's dancing while fully aware there's a camera pointing at them.
  
• Children and Animals - Novelty acts, basically - Montage
  • Clive Dunn - Grandad // You'd think he was old enough to know better, wouldn't you?
    
  • The Wombles - The Wombling Song // Like Cerys Matthews, every day, when we wake up, we remember we're a womble.
    
  • Our Kid - You Just Might See Me Cry // We'd never heard this song before, but it seems to be promoting child cruelty so it gets the thumbs up from us.
    
  • The Smurfs - The Smurf Song // If you ever watch The Smurfs, whenever they say the word "Smurf", imagine they're saying "fuck". The programme instantly becomes more entertaining.
    
  • St Winifred's School Choir - There's No-one Quite Like Grandma // Except, possibly, your other grandma.
    
  • The Tweets - Birdie Song - Despite the fact that Tweet will play all her other hits such as Oops (Oh My) live, she has never played this one.
    
  • Keith Harris & Orville - Orville's Song // Orville would probably be able to do a better job of flying if he wasn't being held down by the rectum.
    
  • Aled Jones - Walking in the Air // See! No-one's ever held Aled Jones down by the rectum and he's fully able to go walking in the air.
    
  • The Tweenies - Number One // You know, with a bit more oomph, this could be a really good pop song. Not as good as Do The Lollypop, though.
    
  • Crazy Frog - Axel F // It's the normal frogs we feel sorry for, tainted with the same brush as their more insane brother. And Glenn from Pop!, of course.
  
  
• And because we haven't heard it enough this year, military style version or not, here's Gnarls Barkley doing Crazy. Whoopee.
  
• 90's Montage
  • Bryan Adams - (Everything I Do) I Do it For You // A claim for which the phrase "No, you shouldn't have. No, really. You shouldn't have" was invented.
    
  • Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit // Oh look! He's not singing the song properly! How subversive. No, wait. Subversive isn't the right word, is it? No... Dull! That's the word we were looking for. How dull!
    
  • Take That ft Lulu - Relight My Fire // During their heyday, firefighters were plagued by fans of the band following them around, waiting for them to extinguish the blaze, before leaping in and promptly setting fire to the building again, believing it's what Mark and Howard would have wanted. They weren't too arsed about what Gary wanted.
    
  • Wet Wet Wet - Love is All Around // And so was Marti Pellow at the time this song was a hit. We'd have preferred just the love on its own to be honest.
    
  • Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger // While Oasis may not look back in anger, they've certainly never looked forward in their life, preferring instead to look towards the past with an eye on what they can nick.
    
  • Blur - Country House // The winner of the Britpop war between them and Oasis, in as much as there could ever be a winner in such a sorry contest.
    
  • Jamiroquai - Virtual Insanity // If you were a bank manager in the nineties, then as far as you were concerned there was no-one cool than Jamiroquai. Not even Lenny Kravitz.
    
  • All Saints - Never Ever // "A few questions that I need to know."? Come on girls, you may have spent more time practicing dance routines than in the classroom but there's really no excuse for such sloppy grammar.
    
  • Janet Jackson - Together Forever // Despite having never really released anything of note or, indeed, anything even halfway memorable, she always seems to crop up. One day we'll understand why.
    
  • Whitney Houston - My Love is Your Love // And her crack pipe is your crack pipe, too.
    
  • Shania Twain - That Don't Impress Me Much // She's only got one leg, you know. Fact!
    
  • Ricky Martin - Livin' La Vida Loca // If you wish to live, like Ricky, the crazy life, why not try dosing yourself up with so much medication you can barely stand, let alone speak, submitting yourself to electroshock therapy, or perhaps getting hold of a large hammer and going on a spree in your local highstreet.
    
  • Prince - Baby Knows // Baby might, but the odds on anyone else remembering this track are somewhat slim.
  
  
• From the days when George Michael was straight - well, or at least genuinely believed that everyone was convinced he was - it's Wham! doing Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.
  
• "One delicious old Queen", said Tony, scarily, as he introduced a clip of Madonna performing Like a Virgin.
  
• She was wearing a neon pink wig, showing that even in those days she still had the sort of dress sense which should really be illegal.
  
• 00's Montage
  • Britney Spears - Oops! I Did It Again // Which was how Britney announced her second pregnancy, letting the world know that she'd lowered herself to sleeping with Kevin Federline at least twice.
    
  • Kylie Minogue - Can't Get You Out of My Head // This song was written about a time when a earwig buried into Kylie's brain and made a nest.
    
  • Justin Timberlake - Like I Love You // We're not sure if he's talking about proper love here or the same sort of love he displays for McDonald's products.
    
  • 50 cent - In Da Club // If you're in 'da' sorta club where Fiddy is likely to be played you too will be drinking Bacardi like it's your birthday, if only so you get so paralytic drunk that you forget you're in a club where they're playing 50 Cent.
    
  • Ozzy and Kelly Osbourne - Changes // The most evil and satanic thing Ozzy's ever been involved with.
    
  • Girls Aloud - Love Machine // Hooray!
    
  • Marilyn Manson - Personal Jesus // You can't tell if it's a man or one of Satan's undead minions these days.
    
  • U2 - Vertigo // Titled after the dizzying feeling Bono gets when he thinks about his perceived position in the global scheme of things.
    
  • Eminem - Like Toy Soldiers // The one where he appeared on a boat and the BBC got all excited, while everyone else just shrugged and failed to see what the fuss was all about.
    
  • McFly - All About You // Cunts, etc.
    
  • Tony Christie - (Is This The Way To) Amarillo // Still as irritating as a heat rash.
    
  • Coldplay - Speed of Sound // Still as dull as someone who bangs on about Fair Trade coffee all the time.
    
  • James Blunt - You're Beautiful // Still a cunt. And also officially the fourth most annoying thing in the world, which is quite fantastic.
    
  • Westlife - You Raise Me Up // And you drag us down to a painful, dark, horrible place.
    
  • Sugababes - Push The Button // Perhaps an ironic reference to the fact that many people preferred to push the button on their remote control whenever Top of the Pops came on their screens. Probably not, though.
  
  
• And so, the end is near, and now we face the final countdown. The last ever number one on Top of the Pops is, perhaps disappointingly for the Beeb, Shakira and Hips Don't Lie, which means they have to end on a video, rather than a live performance. Though given that Shakira is all kinds of aceness and the alternative was McFly, we're counting our blessings.
  
• And then it's over. Jimmy stumbles over the "It's still number one" line, we get a chance to see all the clips we've already seen as the end credits roll and Kool and the Gang's Celebration plays us out. Jimmy walks off the set, he reaches the power switch and turns it off. The studio lights flicker and die and a small part of everyone in the country who's ever loved pop music dies along with them.
  
• The end.
  
• :(

music tv totp

And so, just as tonight, after 41 years, Top of the Pops grinds to a halt, so our look back at every single Top of the Pops presenter ever grinds to an equally ignomious conclusion. Let's have a look at our final batch, all the way from Mark Radcliffe to Reggie Yates:-

• Mark Radcliffe - Mark was famed for stopping halfway through his radio show to go to the toilet next to the mixing desk.
  
• Mike Raven - An old Radio One DJ, it's said that if he ever leaves his home in the Tower of London the building will collapse and all the Beefeaters will be going down the dole office.
  
• Mike Read - Mike is probably best known for refusing to play Frankie Goes To Hollywood's Relax after he listened to the lyrics a few times and suddenly came to the earth shattering conclusion "Hang on! That's about bumming!". His reaction when he eventually worked out what Chuck Berry's My Ding-a-ling was about, only five years after everyone else 'got' it, is unknown.
  
• Vic Reeves - Vic Reeves used to be really good. Seriously.
  
• Cliff Richard - Cliff Richard used to be really good. Seriously.
  
• Tina Richie - Inventor of the popular biscuit which bears her name.
  
• Marc Riley - AKA Lard and a one time member of The Fall, which makes him a member of a very exclusive club which contains only 575,231 members. (Number correct at time of writing).
  
• B.A. Robertson - Singer/songwriter who had a terrible phobia of flying and found most fools pitiable.
  
• Adrian Rose - A presenter from the early nineties. After changing his name to Adrian Rose he began to suffer from a terrible BO problem, proving that a Rose by any other name doesn't smell as sweet.
  
• Emperor Rosko - Due to being in the right place at the right time, Emperor Rosko actually is now a real, bona fide Emperor, thanks to a military coup in a small African country.
  
• Jonathan Ross - Co-hosted with the lovely Fearne Cotton, but cause controversy when he asked her if she'd ever flicked herself off to Jimmy Savile.
  
• Sybil Ruscoe - One of Simon Mayo's cohorts from his time on the Breakfast show and later a broadcaster in her own right. Also the illegitimate daughter of Emperor Rosko.
  
• Shaun Ryder - A confused Shaun Ryder refused to believe he was hosting the show, convinced that he was just sitting at home watching it as normal. To this end he spent most of the evening shouting expletives at the acts and throwing empty beer cans at the stage before finally storming off in a huff when he couldn't get his remote control to work when the video for The Smurfs Your Christmas Wish came on.
  
• Lily Savage - You can't tell if it's a boy or a girl these days.
  
• Jimmy Savile - The first and, indeed, last host of Top of the Pops, Jimmy looked to be about 80 when he started hosting the show so God knows how old he is now. Jimmy was also the man to turn to when anyone on the show wanted any illegal narcotics, hence the documentary series showcasing his time as a drug dealer, Jim'll Fix It.
  
• Pat Sharp - Pat still lives in his Fun House, were he can often be found forlornly sitting in the ball pool, wondering why Melanie and Martina don't call round any more.
  
• Claudia Simon - Another of the early nineties team. Claudia was actually Double Dare presenter Peter Simon wearing a wig and attempting a new career direction.
  
• Skin - Skunk Anansie frontwoman who seemed to be the acceptable face of slightly metally indie for the Melody Maker generation. Lately was quite good, mind.
  
• Richard Skinner - Hosted Top of the Pops as a way of escaping the japes and escapades of Bart Simpson for a few blessed weeks.
  
• Keith Skues - Skues out for summer. Skues out forever.
  
• Elayne Smith - According to her Voice123 page, Elayne's voice is warm, sexy, upbeat and fun. Given that she only hosted the show for a few months, the public in general may not have agreed with this.
  
• Mike Smith - Do not get in a helicopter with this man.
  
• Lisa Snowdon - Like Shakira, be careful not to confuse her with a mountain.
  
• Spice Girls - Unfortunately they didn't host on a show where a record had risen one place to hit the top spot, as that would have been a night when two became one.
  
• Spoony - Has never had anything amusing happen to him in relation to a spoon.
  
• Ed Stewart - Ed 'Stewpot' Stewart was given his nickname due to his habit of picking out chubbier members of the audience, dicing them up and turning them into hotpot which he'd then serve up at the BBC canteen to hungry members of the production team.
  
• Claire Sturgess - Whenever Claire was booked to present, the production team often longed for her to phone in sick as she often brought in the most inappropriate gifts for people on the show. When she turned up there was always a Claire and present danger.
  
• Suggs - Wasn't Night Fever a brilliant programme? They should really bring it back.
  
• David Symonds - Apparently David was sacked from Radio 1 for reading the news while drunk and naked. Suspicions were aroused when he described the cabinet as a bunch of wankers and read the same story out four times in a row before falling asleep with his head resting upon the microphone.
  
• Take That - Had problems fitting their hosting duties into their busy schedule, but managed to find enough time to pop in and quickly record their links. It only took a minute.
  
• Margherita Taylor - The only cheese and tomato pizza ever to host the show.
  
• Jamie Theakston - Unfortunately Supercute's excellent single never even made it into the charts, let alone on a week when Jamie was hosting, otherwise Jamie Theakston would have to have introduced Jamie Theakston.
  
• Kate Thornton - Kate, of course, now hosts X Factor, the modern day equivalent of St Peter judging you at the Pearly Gates.
  
• Peter Tork - Another Monkee. Oddly enough Mike Neysmith isn't listed here. Presumably he didn't need the money as he's the heir to the Tippex fortune and so is all white for cash. Arf!
  
• Gayle Tuesday - Or Page 3 Stunna Gayle Tuesday to give her her full name. Gayle was a comedy character who briefly flourished until people realised she only had one joke, namely that she was a bit thick. Jordan is a less believable version of this character.
  
• Phil Tufnell - Wife beating cunt.
  
• Anthea Turner - Can currently be found teaching people How to be the Perfect Housewife on BBC Three, so it's nice to see the Beeb are still sticking to, ahem, traditional values.
  
• Bear Van Beers - Dutch. We can bear-ly - arf! - remember who she was, and Google is no-help whatsoever, the only references to her being to her time hosting Top of the Pops.
  
• Denise Van Outen - Denise starred in Babes in the Wood which, for those who were lucky enough to have missed it, was literally the worst sitcom we've ever had the misfortune to watch. And we watched The Estate Agents.
  
• Tommy Vance - Gravelly voiced DJ's unique style came from him eating a bowl of gravel every day. His recent death may or may not have been caused by gravel blockage, the coroner refuses to say and is getting very irate every time we phone up to ask. We suspect conspiracy.
  
• Dave Vitty - Chris Moyle's main sidekick. If this was our position in life, we'd spend a lot of time under the duvet, weeping copiously.
  
• Johnnie Walker - Got the job after a bitterly fought contest against his main rival for the position, Jim Beam.
  
• Lousie Wener - Sleeper frontwoman and so responsible for What Do I Do Now, one of the few good things to come out of the Britpop era. Louise now writes novels and, if you ignore the fact that she's not too hot on characterisation, dialogue, plot, pacing and descriptive writing, they're quite good.
  
• Whigfield - Her name still lives on as part of the Whigfield Festival, where every year since 1997 a wig, styled in the same way as her hair in the Saturday Night video, is buried somewhere in a field in Dorset and all interested parties rush out to try and find it. There are currently 10 wigs waiting to be discovered.
  
• Jo Whiley - The fakely enthusiastic DJ genuinely believes herself to be an expert in music. This is despite the fact that she takes full responsibility for Dido's success.
  
• Paul Whitehouse - Before finding comedy success, Paul worked as a painter and decorator, but was sacked due to his habit of tripping up while carrying tins of paint and turning round sharply while carrying planks of wood, hitting his co-workers in the back of their heads.
  
• Robbie Williams - The entirely heterosexual Robbie Williams has appeared on Top of the Pops more times than we've had hot dinners. Mind you, our cooker is broken at the moment.
  
• Dale Winton - We were at the checkout the other day and, you know what? When we heard the beep we really did pause and start to think about the fun we could be having playing Supermarket Sweep. Which didn't half piss off the people behind us in the queue.
  
• Wayne Wonder - No, not the Wayne Wonder, just a Wayne Wonder.
  
• Ian Wright - Footballer type who, despite clearly having no skills in this area whatsoever, fancied himself as a TV presenter. Fortunately for him his surname fits quite well into the sort of punning titles which TV bosses love so they actually gave him a shot at it.
  
• Steve Wright - Not only did he host the show, but Steve also appeared when Arnee and the Terminaters (sic) got to number 5 with I'll Be Back, a 'hilarious' song about Arnold Scwarzenegger. But look, it was 1991, people didn't have the internet and so had to find entertainment wherever they could.
  
• Tony Wright - The Terrorvision frontman kept asking the show's producers if he could host it as he really wanted to read out the Celebrity Hit List. Eventually his Perseverance paid off and his III Wishes were answered after he went through a Middleman.
  
• Reggie Yates - And finally, and perhaps appropriate we come to Reggie, not only the last person on this list, but one of the last people to ever host the show. We wonder what he's got planned for the future. A bit of gardening, maybe, followed by a nice cup of tea and then a solid hour of weeping as he desperately tries to decide where his career's going to go to next.

music tv totp

Our somewhat misguided attempt to cover every single person who's ever hosted Top of the Pops continues on in our usual haphazard and shambolic fashion. The third and final part will follow at some point during the weekend, but until then here's our guide from Lisa I'Anson, all the way down - or, indeed up - to Steve Punt:-

• Lisa I'anson - Lisa was sacked from Radio 1 after the station went off to Ibiza for a weekend of broadcasts, so as to give the listeners a taste of what the atmosphere was like over there. Unfortunately Lisa took the idea of giving the listeners a taste of what goes on over there a little too literally and promptly went off and got so monged she couldn't make it in to host her own show.
  
• Colin Jackson - A hurdler. A good reason as to why the ability to run fast while jumping occasionally makes you a suitable host for a music programme escapes us at the minute. We're sure it'll come to us, though.
  
• David Jacobs - Radio 2 DJ, he hosts an easy listening show, providing aural Horlicks to the masses.
  
• David Jensen - David 'Kid' Jensen suffers from a rare, degenerative disease which means that while he'll age mentally, his body will remain forever trapped, peter Pan like, in the form of a 12year old boy. Scheduling arrangements were made carefully so that David never had to co-host the show with Gary Glitter.
  
• Adrian John - Hosted the early show on Radio 1 and now works for SAGA, providing a reassuring voice in the ear of the elderly to convince them they're not quite dead yet.
  
• Elton John - An obscure singer/pianist. His appearance was part of the BBC's commitment to new music.
  
• Davy Jones - Another Monkee. We wonder if, many years in the future, people will view the Arctic Monkeys with the same affection. Hell, we wonder if, just a few months into the future, people will even give a vague shit about them.
  
• Rachel Jones - Another of Moyles' sycophants. We wonder how she can hold her head up in public.
  
• Paul Jordan - Paul is perhaps best known for having had a number of boob jobs, leading to him having a secondary career as a glamour model, proudly displaying his H-Cup assets in a variety of publications.
  
• Phill Jupitus - Phill's a ska obsessive so is probably one of only two people to genuinely believe that the Ordinary Boys' ongoing success is a good thing.
  
• Adrian Juste - Adrian had a bit of a reputation as being a dogsbody, so much so that the cast of Grange Hill decided to try and help him out by releasing the track Juste, Say No! in the hope it might inspire him to have a bit of backbone.
  
• Tim Kash - Talent vaccuum Tim Kash very nearly single handedly brought down Top of the Pops all by himself, with his complete lack of charisma, talent, or any apparent interest in the programme and acts on it whatsoever.
  
• Peter Kay - Appeared in his Brian Potter guise, proving if nothing else, that the Top of the Pops studio is wheelchair accessible.
  
• Vernon Kay - Proving once again that the British public find themselves unable to differentiate between someone being entertaining and someone having a northern accent.
  
• Caron Keating - Ex-Blue Peter presenter and daughter of Glora Hunniford. It's hardly the most impressive resume in the world, is it?
  
• Ronan Keating - Ex Boyzone singer and man who is Ronan Keating. It's hardly the most impressive resume in the world, is it?
  
• Kevin Keegan - A footballer bloke. He had curly hair, which apparently makes him interesting. Mind you, in footballer terms that probably does make him interesting.
  
• Nigel Kennedy - Was marketed as the 'sexy' face of classical music, on the basis that he played violin, had interesting hair and liked football. He was soon dumped by the wayside, however, when the record companies that a slightly more convincing attempt to make classical musical seem sexy involved getting young ladies to dance around in the sea, playing the violin whilst wearing nawt but a nightie.
  
• Liz Kershaw - Liz Kershaw has never, to the best of our knowledge, danced around in the sea, playing the violin whist wearing nawt but a nightie.
  
• Kevin and Perry - The comedy creations of Harry Enfield. His term, we'd have called them "Lazy, unfunny stereotypes" if he'd asked us.
  
• Jonathan King - Yet another paedophile, and probably one of the most odious men to walk the earth, pervert or not.
  
• Alexis Korne - Invented the famous meat substitute. The main thing being substituted is 'flavour'.
  
• Steve Lamacq - The Manic Street Preachers' 4st 7lb was written about the less than lardy DJ.
  
• Mark Lamarr - Like Billie Piper, Mark comes from Swindon. Unlike Billie, Mark was absolutely rubbish during his brief foray as one of Doctor Who's assistants, finding that his sarcastic put downs were a poor match for the futuristic weaponry of the Cybermen.
  
• Cyndi Lauper - Wasn't too bothered about doing the show, just wanted to have fun.
  
• Stewart Lee - Co-creator of Jerry Springer the opera and, along side his comedy partner Richard Herring, creator of a popular brand of Worcester sauce.
  
• Justin Lee Collins - Another comedian labouring under the delusion that having an unusual accent instantly makes everything he says hilarious.
  
• Dave Lee Travis - Famously quit his DJ job live on air due to his annoyance that Radio One were getting rid of all the old presenters and bringing in flesh blood. Given that DLT was pretty much the dictionary definition of 'dinosaur', Radio One bosses weren't unduly perturbed.
  
• Mike Lennox - Another old school DJ, and former heavyweight champion of the world.
  
• Wendy Lloyd - A former Virgin DJ. In the sense that she used to work for Virgin, we've got no idea what sort of sexual experience she's had.
  
• Janice Long - The first full time female host of the show and also played with Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, the band from the Muppet Show.
  
• Louise - The one out of Eternal people could probably pick out of an identity parade.
  
• Lulu - Can turn up or down the broadness of her Glaswegian accent as and when the situation requires it.
  
• Annie Mac - A popular order in your local burger outlet.
  
• Rod Mckenzie - Another of Chris Moyles's gang of baying morons.
  
• Craig Mclachlan - Not only was he Henry from Neighbours, he also had some chart success with his band Check-1-2. Please note the use of the phrase 'chart success' as opposed to the phrase 'music success'.
  
• Malcolm Mclaren - No doubt believes that he invented Top of the Pops, given his unshakable belief that he invented pretty much everything else to do with popular music. He’s deluded, of course. Everyone knows it was Pete Waterman.
  
• Ant McPartlin - See Dec.
  
• Jas Mann - Frontman of Babylon Zoo, a band who recently saw an upturn in their fortunes after they rebranded themselves as Babylon World of Adventure.
  
• Susie Mathis - A former pop star and DJ. We dunno what her music is like, but we can say, without any fear of contradiction, that it'll be at least a million times better than anything released by Johnny Mathis.
  
• James May - Another bloody Top Gear presenter. Do they really have nothing better to do? We mean, we can understand the fact that talking about cars all day long is inherently boring and they're keen to find something interesting to do, but seriously!
  
• Simon Mayo - Did not invent Mayonnaise.
  
• Meat Loaf - Did invent Meatloaf.
  
• Jayne Middlemiss - Her life story was told in the popular BBC costume drama Middlemiss. They glossed over the bit where she did nudey pictures, though.
  
• Scott Mills - The sort of DJ who, in many years to come, will be fondly remembered as "oh, what's his name, thingy. On the tip of my tongue. He was rubbish".
  
• Dannii Minogue - After hosting the show, the producer pressed her fee into her hand and said "Go on love, buy yourself something to eat and a nice warm bed for the night. For me, ey? Don't waste it on booze".
  
• Kylie Minogue - After her first appearance, Kylie was asked a few other times if she wanted to host the show. Well, it's better the devil you know.
  
• Mis-Teeq - Before their appearance the continuity announcer warned viewers that "The following programme contains coming on strong language".
  
• Mr. Blobby - A horrible, disgusting, pink blob of a creature, with no discernible talent or value. It's hard to know why the public ever took to him but at least they finally realised his sheer awfulness and... oh, sorry, this is the Johnathon King entry.
  
• Mn8 - Had a little something for us, they were coy about what it was, but it clearly wasn’t 'long term appeal'
  
• Mark Morrison - He didn't actually turn up to do his hosting duties, instead sending along someone else who looked nothing like him but was black. No-one batted an eyelid.
  
• Bob Mortimer - The half of Reeves and Mortimer that looks like he should be a lawyer. This is because he used to be a lawyer.
  
• Tony Mortimer - Tony used to be in East 17, then they reformed in the wake of the Take That reunion, so he was Tony from East 17 again. Unfortunately no-one really gave two hoots for the East 17 reunion, so he's back to being Tony who used to be in East 17 once more.
  
• Chris Moyles - Cunt.
  
• Brittany Murphy - Actress girl who, thanks to the unique way in which the BBC is funded, would have been promoting some movie at the license fee payers expense.
  
• Colin Murray - Colin has been paired with Edith Bowman for most of his radio work, an experience which has astounded the mathematical world by disproving the theory that multiplying two negatives will give you a positive
  
• Pete Murray - An old DJ, Pete was famed for his laid back style. Indeed, many claimed that he was too good to hurry. Mint.
  
• Trevor Nelson - R&B DJ and quite possibly the baldest person in the world.
  
• Annie Nightingale - Ironically enough, not only dos Annie have a terrible singing voice, she's not even an orphan, either!
  
• Christian O'Connell - Hosts the Virgin Radio Breakfast Show, which means he plays worse music, but is still less of a cunt than Chris Moyles.
  
• Ardal O'Hanlon - Appeared in one of the finest, best written, hilarious, influential, ground breaking and simply brilliant sitcoms of all time. My Hero.
  
• Dermot O'Leary - You have to admire Dermot for his ability to convincingly pretend to give a shit when some of the less, ahem, interesting housemates leave the Big Brother house and do their BBLB tour of duty before returning to the obscurity from whence they came.
  
• Femi Oke - Provides long lasting comfort and a feeling of feminine freshness all day long.
  
• Gary Olsen - He used to be in 2.4 Children. We can think of no earthly reason whatsoever why he would have been asked to present the show.
  
• Jack Osbourne - Son of Sharon and sister of Kelly. Genetics has a lot to answer for.
  
• Sharon Osbourne - What can be said about Sharon that hasn't been said before? How about "Oh look! There's a programme with Sharon Osbourne in, I bet that'll be worth watching, she’s just so entertaining!"
  
• Mark Owen - Ex Take That-er whose solo stuff is surprisingly good. Mark won Celebrity Big Brother a few years ago, yet failed to raise his profile as much as Chantelle managed. But Chantelle is a bit prettier.
  
• Norman Pace - Another member of Hale and Pace. It doesn't really matter which one.
  
• Simon Parkin - Simon used to present CBBC but now works as a valet for a hotel. He's the parkin attendant. Arf!
  
• Dixie Peach - A racist fruit.
  
• Andy Peebles - Peebles is a game where men compete to see who can dissolve Andy's head with a stream on urine in the quickest time.
  
• John Peel - The cool uncle you always wished you had.
  
• Dennis Pennis - Probably the best guest host they had, Dennis just took the piss out of everything on the show and made the whole thing hugely entertaining. If only Paul Kaye hadn't decided to stop being funny.
  
• Andi Peters - Another of Ed the Duck's ex colleagues. It's a shame he's not still on the scene, as he'd have probably done a better job of steering Top of the Pops into the 21st century than Andi managed.
  
• Gail Porter - Actually forget what we said about Trevor Nelson, Gail is the baldest person in the world. She also went to both our old primary and secondary school. Double fact!
  
• Jenny Powell - Like Nicky Campbell, she used to present Wheel of Fortune, so at least there were some brains on the show.
  
• Peter Powell - Former husband of Anthea Turner, before she decided to go off and get hitched to another bloke, mainly so that she could make some money advertising chocolate bars.
  
• Lisa Marie Presley - Elvis' daughter, which is as close as they ever got to actually having Elvis on the show, unless you count the impersonator they had on when all of his records were being pointlessly re-released.
  
• Preston - The only other person on this list to genuinely believe that the Ordinary Boys' ongoing success is a good thing.
  
• Alan Price - Probably the one from Alan Price Set and Animals fame. The Alan Price Set is a bit like Mecanno, only you can only make one thing out of it. Alan Price.
  
• Steve Punt - The other half of Punt and Dennis. Punt is the one who looks a bit like a science teacher. Well, a bit more like a science teacher.

music tv totp

Our week of Top of the Pops special features continues on apace and, given the general lack of originality displayed when it comes to picking subjects for this column, it should come as no surprise to learn that this week's 10 Things... is all about that very show. So, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the soon to be defunct music show:-

1. The BBC received a record number of complaints when the Manic Street Preachers performed Faster with James Dean Bradfield wearing a terrorist style balaclava. Most of these complaints came from Manics fans, angry that they couldn't gaze upon James' dishy visage.
   
2. The longest ever performance on the show was Green Day's live version of Jesus of Suburbia. It only last 9 minutes and 10 seconds, but for those watching it felt like an eternity.
   
3. Being an audience member on Top of the Pops is your key to fame and fortune. Presuming you've always seen your fame and fortune being based around a complete inability to dance and not really being too sure what to do when someone plays a slow song.
   
4. Cliff Richard has performed on the most shows, clocking up over 150 appearances. It's not yet known exactly what dirt he has on the BBC Executives to have achieved this impressive figure, but it must be pretty juicy.
   
5. Appearing on Top of the Pops is normally one of the highlights of a band's career. Indeed, for many acts it's the only highlight in their career, and a story which mesmerises everyone in the factory canteen as the recount the tale for the umpteenth time that week.
   
6. The first edition was hosted by Jimmy Savile,
   
7. Many people are aware of the time Dexy's Midnight Runners appeared performing Jackie Wilson Says under a gigantic picture of darty type Jocky Wilson, but less remember the time that Pet Shop Boys found themselves performing Go West beneath a gigantic picture of notorious serial killer Fred West.
   
8. The program holds all rights to the phrase "It's still number one...", meaning that with the shows demise, no act will now be able to hold onto the top spot for more than one week.
   
9. Video footage of Pans People, the TotP dance troupe who your dad may remember fondly, proves conclusively that there were no attractive women in the seventies.
   
10. Sob!

music tv totp

We're so going to regret doing this. Since Top of the Pops started they've had nearly 240 different people hosting the show, but who on earth were they all? Let's have a look, shall we, in the first installment of our three part look at this somewhat monumental list:-

• Russ Abbot - Used to live in a televisual Madhouse. Now, thanks to the downturn in his career, he lives in a very real Dosshouse.
  
• Damon Albarn - Not only has he recently, thanks to Gorillaz, proved that he does actually possess some sort of talent, contrary to all prior evidence, but a bowl of him each morning will keep you regular.
  
• Keith Allen - Father of Lily and brains behind Fat Les, one day he will pay for all the misery he's brought upon the world.
  
• Matt Allwright - Makes his living out of hosting the sort of crap consumer programs that fill up the schedules on BBC One before Eastenders starts. He also makes some extra cash working as Michael Barrymore's personal assistant and the lanky comedian can often be heard calling for the young journalist.
  
• Anastacia - Brings to the world of presenting the same skills she brought to the world of pop: being a bit shouty, rubbish and annoying.
  
• Steve Anderson - We're not entirely sure who this is. He hosted it a few times in 1991 and 1992 and our best guess is that he's the bloke who co-wrote Confide in Me and produced some of Take That's stuff. Either that or he's the guy who invented Thunderbirds.
  
• Peter Andre - Used his appearance to promote his Mysterious Grill range of cooking sauces. "You'll love the Flava!", he exclaimed. They didn't sell.
  
• Mel B - Mel was recently planning to write and star in her own sitcom. Unfortunately plans came to a grinding halt when she realised that most of the events from her recent career fell into the 'tragedy' category.
  
• Richard Bacon - Given that he's taken some drugs and was rude about the Magic Numbers Richard is often considered to be a bit controversial. Mainly by people for whom having a Rich Tea biscuit instead of a Digestive is a bit daring.
  
• Zoe Ball - Daughter of Johnny, wife of Fat Boy Slim, sister of annoying irritants with no apparent talent whatsoever.
  
• Sue Barker - Former tennis player and current host of Question of Sport. Given the high quality of every football song ever, sport and music are clearly as symbiotically linked as yin is to yang, so it was only natural and not entirely irrelevant that Sue Barker should get a shot at hosting the show.
  
• Simon Bates - Hosting the show he seemed so happy, so carefree, so full of life, it seemed like nothing could bring him down. But for Simon, tragedy was just around the corner. He never got to host the show again, but one song can still bring back memories of those days. *Plays some insipid piece of unemotional balladry. Probably by Foreigner*
  
• Colin Berry - Old DJ, currently working in local radio. And, if Wikipedia is to be believed, once drew a picture of a clown which horrified fellow classmate Tasha Ledger. But we think that's a different Colin Berry.
  
• Bjork - The not at all mad Icelandic girl refused to use actual language when she hosted the show, instead opting for a series of whistles and high pitched bleating to communicate with the audience.
  
• Tony Blackburn - The real Tony Blackburn died twenty years ago. Since then all public appearances have been carried out by a double, carved out of solid mahogany.
  
• Richard Blackwood - Richard considered himself to be the British answer to Will Smith. The question being "Which artist cannot seriously be likened to Will Smith in any way, shape or form?"
  
• Edith Bowman - Shrill voiced harpy Edith brings shame to the Scottish nation and clearly hates all music, something evidenced by her apparent enjoyment of the recordings of Snow Patrol.
  
• Liz Bonnin - Used to present RI:SE, Channel 4's short-lived breakfast show. This means that now more people watch her in her flat than did when she was actually on the telly. Well, they do when the window cleaners come round.
  
• Jeremy Bowen - Newsreader with the scariest eyes in the world. Hosting Top of the Pops probably didn't do his credibility much good, though it probably wasn't as bad as when he hosted Bullseye.
  
• Pete Brady - Old lady.
  
• Jakki Brambles - Last seen doing the showbiz news on GMTV, which in career terms is only one step above appearing live on Sky News on the top of a hotel roof, surrounded by police and threatening to kill your children unless the pool is filled with taramasalata.
  
• Jo Brand - She's slightly overweight. Not that you'd notice, though. It's not like she's managed to base an entire career on pointing out that fact.
  
• Bruno Brookes - Due to a hilarious mix-up, Brookes once found himself defending the heavyweight boxing title while Frank Bruno ended up going through the ordeal of trying to host the top 40 countdown on Radio 1.
  
• Ian Broudie - After the hosting the show Ian took a taxi home. After fifteen minutes of so of driving Ian began to get concerned that he didn't recognise any of the local landmarks and was worried about what route the driver was taking. "Um", he asked, concern heavy in his voice, "Where are we going?". "Don't worry, mate", said the driver with a glint in his eye, "You're going home, you're going home, you're going... you are going home".
  
• Jocelyn Brown - Released Somebody Else's Guy back in 1984 and very little of any note since then, hence why she found herself doing some crappy reality TV singing show alongside the gutter end of the celebrity Z-list in 2006.
  
• Paul Burnett - Old Radio 1 DJ, currently working for Capital Gold, the sound of death itself.
  
• Rhona Cameron - Scottish comedian. Her sitcom Rhona, in no way a rip off of Ellen, flopped. She blamed this on the fact the general public refused to give it a chance because she was a lesbian. The general public themselves blamed it on the fact it simply wasn't funny. At all.
  
• Nicky Campbell - Nicky hosts both the Five Live breakfast show and fronts popular angular indie types Franz Ferdinand.
  
• Julia Carling - The former wife of Will Carling, this seemingly irrelevant fact somehow convinced her she had the skills and talents necessary for a career in television presenting. She didn't.
  
• Dave Cash - Currently broadcasts on Radio Kent. This presumably makes him less the Man in Black, more the man of beige.
  
• Sarah Cawood - Never go to Sarah's house unprepared as she's very fond of practical jokes. If you go down to Cawood's today, you're sure of a big surprise.
  
• Neneh Cherry - Only hosted it once as the producers got exasperated by her continual failure to hit her cues. She was always seven seconds away.
  
• Jeremy Clarkson - During his appearance Jeremy proved that not only does he hate women, socialists, foreigners, homosexuals and pretty much anyone who isn't actually him, he also hates young people and young people's music as well. It was a bit like having your dad host the show.
  
• Julian Clary - We can almost guarantee that he would have made a joke about a high climber in the chart "Coming up the rear".
  
• Jarvis Cocker - The Pulp frontman hosted the show during the whole Blur/Oasis non-event where they both argued over who was the better band. This sort of argument, we believe, is generally summed up as being like two bald men fighting over a comb.
  
• Julian Cope - Julian kept returning his payment for this gig to the BBC. Eventually the BBC had to send some people out to have a chat with him and finally he learned to accept his reward.
  
• Fearne Cotton - *Sigh* We're going to miss Fearne. And her lovely outfits.
  
• Sara Cox - Despite the obvious limitations of working in an audio medium, Sara hasn't let the fact that you can only ever understand ever third word she says stop her from pursuing a career in radio.
  
• Andy Crane - Since his CBBC Broom Cupboard days Andy's managed to achieve more success than his co-host Ed the Duck. Marginally.
  
• Garth Crooks - Some footballer blokey. A slightly more appealing booking than Garth Brooks, but only just.
  
• Peter Cunnah - The lead singer of D:Ream. They reckoned that things could only get better and you know what, they were right. In fact, they generally got better the instant that the D:Ream record stopped playing.
  
• Josie D'Arby - Former Blue Peter presenter, no often to be found droning about religion on Songs of Praise. She's not related to Terence Trent D'Arby, but she is the same Josie as in Josie and the Pussycats.
  
• Roger Daltrey - In one of the more blatant examples of a lesser performer leaching off of the talent of a true genius and genuine star, Roger once appeared in a movie with Chesney Hawkes. We don't know why Chesney stood for it.
  
• Phil Daniels - Phil's presenting duties consisted of him standing behind the main presenter, waiting for them to finish speaking before shouting "Parklife!" into the camera and giving a cheeky cockney wink. He wasn't asked back.
  
• Alan Davies - We saw Alan Davies in a version of The Odd Couple last year. We were very impressed by the fact he didn't even begin to attempt to do an American accent for the role, preferring instead to play it as if he'd received some sort of bang to the head as a child.
  
• Gary Davies - 'Ooh' Gary Davies used to host the lunchtime slot on Radio One. He stayed there for most of the eighties until bosses released that having someone whose mid-Atlantic twang was like to put listeners off their sandwich probably wasn't the best of ideas.
  
• Angus Deayton - The sardonic, brown suited former host of Have I Got News For You was later to bring shame upon himself after this appearance. No, not the drugs and hookers thing, but hosting Only Fools On Horses for Sport Relief.
  
• Jack Dee - Jack Dee hosted the show quite a few times. He presided over appearances by such luminaries as EYC, Michael Bolton, Stiltskin, Robson and Jerome, Boyzone and The Lighthouse Family. Bet that brought a smile to his face.
  
• Simon Dee - A big star in the sixties, Simon has now vanished into obscurity and is little more than a joke term for failed stardom. A bit like a long term version of Gareth Gates, really.
  
• Chris Denning - A former Radio 1 DJ and the first of a surprising number of paedophiles on this list. Whodve thought that a job involving contact with young people would attract so many of them?
  
• Cathy Dennis - We love Cathy, you love Cathy, everyone loves Cathy.
  
• Hugh Dennis - Part of The Mary Whitehouse Experience and one half of Punt and Dennis. The 'Dennis' half, obviously.
  
• Frankie Dettori - A jockey, he only presented the show once thanks to an unfortunate incident when Celine Dion took to the stage.
  
• Micky Dolenz - Hey, hey, he's a Monkee. We've heard, from people, that he likes to monkey around, though we're not entirely sure how trustworthy that source is. He's probably just trying to be friendly.
  
• Declan Donnelly - See Ant.
  
• Tony Dortie - He was the nineties equivalent of Tim Kash, only with some actual talent.
  
• Noel Edmonds - Who would have thought that one day Noel Edmonds would be hosting a TV program and no-one would know who the banker was?
  
• Greg Edwards - Some DJ bloke. Possibly related to Tom Edwards.
  
• Tom Edwards - Some DJ bloke. Possibly related to Greg Edwards.
  
• Joe Elliott - Lead singer of Def Leppard. If you ever get jumped by the band, concentrate on dealing with either the bassist or the guitarist. Don't worry about the drummer, he's armless.
  
• Sophie Ellis-Bextor - During downtime between Theaudience splitting up and her solo career kicking off, Sophie made some extra cash by doing some modeling work. Her most lucrative work was when she appeared in a primary school mathematical textbook as "A Rhombus".
  
• Ben Elton - Former left-wing comedian who threw away any credibility he might once have had by sucking up to Prince Charles the minute he had a sniff of the possibility of an OBE. Oh, and by writing shitty musicals about Queen.
  
• Harry Enfield - Harry Enfield went to the same university we did. Fact! Not an interesting fact, admittedly, but it's still a fact!
  
• Eternal - Their links seemed to go on forever.
  
• Chris Eubank - Chris styles himself as the gentleman's boxer. There are also some areas of the internet where he's described as the gentleman's relish.
  
• Chris Evans - Chris hasn't had a single original idea since 1997,
  
• Lee Evans - While the hyperactive funnyman was hosting the show, runners had to be on hand, armed with mops and buckets, to clean up all the sweat that poured off him consistently throughout his entire performance.
  
• Kenny Everett - After leaving Radio One, Kenny opened up a chain of restaurants that took pride in using only the finest ingredients. It was all done in the best possible taste.
  
• The Fast Show - A sketch show which re-popularised the use of catchphrase based comedy. In many ways it paved the way for Little Britain, but we probably shouldn't judge them too harshly for that.
  
• Mark Franklin - Started presenting the show alongside Tony Dortie. It says something for his complete lack of presence that even Tony Dortie is more memorable a host than he is.
  
• Alan Freeman - Alan started his career supervising the soft drink aisle of his local supermarket, hence his famous catchphrase "Good evening pop pickers".
  
• Justine Frischman - Justine was the lead singer in Elastica. Quite how she managed to fit this presenting job into Elastica's busy and hectic recording schedule will be a mystery to us all.
  
• Gina G - She originally didn't have too much work to do when she was hosting the show, just a little bit, but then they re-wrote the script and she had a little bit more, which was what she was waiting for, really, and they all knew it.
  
• Paul Gambaccini - Likes to believe he's an expert in modern music, but lives so far in the past he's practically Nicholas Lyndhurst in Goodnight Sweetheart.
  
• Stephen Gately - Used to be in Boyzone but left to go it alone. Now his career has taken such a nosedive that he can also used to be in Stephen Gately.
  
• Diarmuid Gavin - Some gardener bloke, so he's used to talking over beds. Arf!
  
• Michelle Gayle - Former Eastender and equally former popstar of the low-rent variety. She was last seen attempting to kickstart her career with an appearance on the lame duck show Reborn in the USA, failing to realise that by appearing on the show she was demonstrating that her career had already run out of petrol and left her stranded on the motorway.
  
• Bob Geldof - This show had to run at double the normal length to accommodate Bob, all the acts, and Bob's massive ego.
  
• Gary Glitter - Another paedophile. Is currently finding it quite hard to drum up membership for his gang.
  
• Mark Goodier - Despite not hosting the chart show any more, it's still Mark that compiles it and has the final say on who gets to be number one. In short, if Mark doesn't like you, you can whistle your chances of success goodbye.
  
• Gareth Hale - One half of Hale and Pace. The one without the moustache. We think.
  
• David Hamilton - 'Diddy' David Hamilton was actually 6'4" but used a series of prisms to give the illusion of being of shorter stature. No-one ever understood why.
  
• Richard Hammond - Another Top Gear presenter, pressed into TotP service mainly to promote his show. We're not totally convinced the two shows share the same sort of target audience.
  
• Jeremy Hardy - Genius.
  
• Brian Harvey - A member of East 17, he's the 7 foot rabbit who Tony Mortimer is convinced exists but who no-one else can see.
  
• Aled Haydn-Jones - Aled is one of the unsufferable posse from Chris Moyles show, so is an arse by association.
  
• Lenny Henry - Lenny is probably best known these days for his work with Comic Relief, the charity extravaganza that serves the dual purpose of making sure that both starving Africans become less starving and that Lenny gets at least some exposure on national telly, no matter how undeserved it might be these days.
  
• Stuart Henry - Another old Radio 1 DJ, Stuart found success despite having the obvious drawback of being a tiny, computer animated mouse, voiced by Michael J Fox.
  
• Richard Herring - Half of Lee and Herring, Rich may not be as obviously successful as his counterpart, but at least he doesn't have to deal with death threats from crazy Christians, failing to understand the meaning of the "Thou shall not kill" commandment.
  
• Harry Hill - But if Harry's presenting Top of the Pops, who's getting the badgers ready for the badger parade?!
  
• Katy Hill - But if Katy's presenting Top of the Pops, who's getting the badgers... ah, you've got it covered? Never mind then.
  
• Mary-Anne Hobbs - When Mary-Anne found out she was going to be hosting Top of the Pops she expressed her joy and excitement in the same dull, lifeless monotone she used for entire radio career.
  
• Noddy Holder - Wheeled on for a Christmas special just so they could get him to shout "It's Christmas!". He must feel so proud to have had such a lasting effect on pop culture.
  
• Rufus Hound - One of the current crop of presenters and actually quite good.
  
• Konnie Huq - Another Blue Peter type, picked for the role mainly because she looks to be approximately 12 years old and so is easily relatable to by the target audience.

music tv totp

It's Monday! And, as you're no doubt aware, this Sunday will see the broadcast of the last ever edition of Top of the Pops. Sob, etc. To commemorate this somewhat unfortunate and depressing event, this week is going to be something of a Top of the Pops special here at TiaPL, with all sorts of related articles and whatnots - i.e. two - culminating in our last ever Thoughts of the Pops piece next Monday. But that's ages away, yet! We have more pressing business to attend to so here, without further ado, is what we learnt from the penultimate Top of the Pops:-

• Primal Scream were doing Dolls. We'd have more to say about this had we not been so technologically inept that our recording only began at the very end of their performance.
  
• With his cover of Iris, Ronan Keating managed the seemingly impossible by managing to make a Goo Goo Dolls song sound worse. For his next trick he'll be attempting to make a Ronan Keating song sound good.
  
• Lemar back with It's Not That Easy. The 'It' he's referring to is remembering just who the bloody hell Lemar actually is.
  
• The Strokes, despite becoming more and more irrelevant by the day, are releasing a third single, You Only Live Once, from their recent album. No, we don't quite understand why, either.
  
• Former Misteeq lady Alesha is coming on very strong with new single Lipstick. Mere words can't do justice to it's brilliance, suffice to say it's the sort of thing that Verbalicious should have released as a follow up to Don't Play Nice. Yes, that good!
  
• RETRO: The Specials doing Ghost Town. We'd have preferred to have seen Nobby the Sheep doing Ghost Train.
  
• For their performance of Smiley Faces, Gnarls Barkley's Cee-Lo demonstrated exactly why, ahem, 'larger' gentlemen should not wear bright red jackets, shirts and bow-ties all at the same time. They look like giant tomatoes.
  
• Snow Patrol are Chasing Cars. Lets just hope that one of them breaks suddenly and without warning.
  
• McFly are at number one. Oh for fuck's sake, etc. Though with any luck they'll be able to use the royalties to buy some bloody belts. We're fed up seeing their boxer shorts.

music tv totp

This is Frank.



The blonde one appears to have been at a different stylist meeting than the others, doesn't she?

Anyway, if you're the sort of person who's both awake and in a fit state to watch television on a Sunday morning, then you may well have seen them in Totally Frank on T4, which followed a series of ficitional highs and lows for the girls. It was basically a cross between No Sweat and Hollyoaks, only we imagine that Frank would like to sell a few more records than North and South, i.e. they would actually like to sell some records.

This whole having-a-career-outside-of-being-slightly-ropey-actresses plan is now moving on apace and Frank will be releasing their debut single I'm Not Shy on the 31st of July. When we saw the girls supporting Girls Aloud we weren't, it has to be said, hugely impressed by them but, having since had time to listen to their music a bit more and not been of the sort of mindset where even the second coming of Jesus happening live on stage, culminating with him throwing diamonds and rubies out into the crowd, would still have seemed somewhat disappointing compared to the main event, we've grudgingly come to the conclusion that we were wrong and they are, officially, 'quite good'. Even if we'd still prefer to see Mania doing the songs.

I'm Not Shy is a summery slice of laid back pop, the sort of thing Texas probably imagine they do, only good. In it Lauren, the singer girl, tells us that she's not shy on Mondays, that Tuesday's always good for her, that you can try on Wednesday, that on Thursdays she doesn't care about you and on Friday, she's in love. Or something. Songs based around organinising your diary shouldn't really be this enjoyable, but this works, thanks mainly to the talky bit which kicks in after the chorus. But if you've not yet had the pleasure then why take our frank-ly (arf!) incompetent attempt at summing up its charms when you can click here and find out for yourself. Apparently this should stream the video, but given the embarrassingly archaic set-up we have here at TiaPL Towers, we've only been able to get the audio to work, but we reckon that those of you with computers made in the 21st century will be able to see the whole thing. You can also grab a free download of Complicated, which isn't as good as I'm Not Shy, but is still none to shabby at all, by clicking here.

Now all we need is for Kute to release something and we can die, if not happy, then at least slightly less miserable.

music frank

We all want to look good, even if any publicity shot of Rooster might lead you to believe otherwise. Unlike popstars, most us aren't followed around by an entourage of stylists, hairdressers and make-up artist whose only reason to exist is to make us look good, which is a bit of a problem in the looking good stakes. In short, you all don't half look a state.

It's fortunate, then, that Talent in a Previous Life is welcoming a brand new member to our team, our top notch Fashion Correspondent, Laura. She'll be getting in touch with various pop stars and, with a little help from herself, they'll be telling you their tips for looking just that bit less ugly than you actually do. First up, those laugh-a-minute funsters, Muse:-

Matt Bellamy's Guide to Making Your Band Mates Even More of a Laughing Stock Than They Already Are



Hello you CRAZY kids! It's everyone's favourite loonbag, Matt Bellamy, here to entertain the masses, though you may know me more fondly as the girl who fronts Muse. My doctor tells me puberty will kick in any day now, but we'll see.

I'm here today to explain to you all the importance of the role of fashion when trying to demean your co-workers in a HILARIOUS and CRAZY manner. This is valuable information for Nadine from that Girls Are Loud band. I understand she shares many of my sentiments. Good on you Nadine, you CRAZY girl!

Now, I've no doubt at all that you will have no idea what my band mates are called, and to be honest here, I don't either, really. Band Mate #1 and Band Mate #2 I call them. It's worked fine for 10 years, why change now?! I am, after all, the CRAZY and insane frontman for the band, and I am all that matters as far as you're concerned. I've written all the songs on our albums, you see the other two tried to help, but I told them that I was far too unique and CRAZY to let them interfere with what I was doing. Band Mate #2 said that I probably shouldn't obsess about conspiracy theories so much, or be so miserable all the time, but I had a word with my mate David Icke, and he told me they were just jealous, and David knows his Stuff. Trust me.

Anyway, as a result of my refusal to co-write songs, I ended up with pretty much all the royalties. Ha ha! Brilliant! So I have invested this money further into making myself into the cool, but CRAZY!, guy of the band and helping the others fade into obscurity further. This is very evident from much of the promotional pictures for our new album which I will not plug here* at all. Band Mates #1 and #2 came to me and said "Look Matt, you CRAZY guy, we're releasing an album soon, and lots of people are going to want to take our photo, so could you please buy us some new clothes as we have spent the whole £1.30 that we made from Absolution each, and its not funny being mistaken for tramps anymore.". So what with me being the CRAZY guy I am, I agreed, on the condition that I got to buy their clothes for them. They agreed. Eventually. Not at all reluctantly.

First off, I went to buy my outfit. I decided that as summer will soon be over, the time is right to buy a new overcoat. That and the fact that my mate David Icke reckons that the world is gonna freeze over on August 3rd. I also decided that as it's still somewhat cool to be emo, some drainpipe jeans wouldn't go amiss. And as I'm doing the whole emo thing, I decided to lose some weight too and become a skinny fucker. I lost a bit too much though, then my jeans wouldn't fit me any more and so we had to use a belt but they still kept falling down, so we got some braces too. But they look suave or CRAZY or something, so I didn't mind too much. This is when we started running out of money :( I wanted a nice tie to go with my lovely new shirt (N.B. Kids, don't do the top button up. You all want the world to think you're CRAZY and KOOKY, right?) but we couldn't find one for less than a tenner, so I had a root around in my wardrobe and found an old black scarf which may or may not have been knitted by my Nan. As it's gonna freeze in a few days anyway, I thought WHAT THE HELL! and wore it in place of a tie. CRAZY!

Now, the other two. I'm quite partial to Band Mate #2, and he has kids and stuff - which I'm sure you know because the guy wont shut up about them for five minutes - so I decided to buy him a nice warm coat, too. We managed to get it cheap from some woman in Romford market. Apparently they forgot to make it so you can take it off like a coat, and when he wants to put it on, he has to pull it over his head. Its fun watching him do it though. Last time, because I am a CRAZY guy, I decided to trip him up when the coat was over his head, and he fell over and was out cold for 4 hours. HILARIOUS! I bought him some fantastic stiletto heels as well, but the ungrateful bastard refused to wear them! So I said, "Band Mate #2, you can find your own shoes then", and he did. But still, with his pretty somber ensemble, those trainer shoe things look ridiculous. My mate David Icke reckons that trainers will be ruling the world in 20 years from now. CRAZY stuff!

By this time, it was half past 5, and I really wanted to go home and play with my jetpack, so I thought to myself "Matt, you CRAZY guy, we need to embarrass that other guy. HOW are we going to do that?" and then I realised what I had to do. I went to my local bowling alley, and nicked a jacket off of one of the attendants. I've refused to buy him anything since, so you'll be able to see this jacket in photoshoots for years to come. I thought it was great! But Band Mates #1 and #2 were a bit fucked off.

I don't know why they're complaining about it so much. As the creative director for everything to do with Muse, I was allowed to pick the outfits for the guys on the album cover. I picked them from a fancy dress shop as a joke (because I'm a CRAZY guy like that!), and then we ran out of money before we could get them some proper clothes. Don't be fooled with the symbolism crap our record label is trying to fob you off with.

Anyway, my mate David Icke's on the phone again. He's got a new conspiracy idea for me that I'm going to base our next album around. Apparently it involves Rachel Stevens and a Number 1 album. Ha ha! CRAZY, isn't it?

Matt x

(*Blackholes and Revelations is available in all good record shops now. And a few crappy ones. Buy it! Buy it!)

music fashion muse

See, told you we'd do this. Lily Allen is still at number one with Smile, so here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about Happiness. Sorry.

1. Cutting edge, alternative, and highly relevant to our average reader comedian Ken Dodd reckons that happiness is the greatest gift that he possesses. He must have had some shit Christmasses
   
2. Thom Yorke is told on at least 17 occasions every day to "cheer up", on the basis that "It might never happen".
   
3. The Supernaturals, whose Smile could recently be heard soundtracking the adverts for the bank of the same name, were so irritatingly cheery that it would take them being locked in a room for over 14 hours during which they'd be constantly subjected to a variety of painful torture techniques, beatings and general unpleasantness before they'd even begin to look miserable. Uh, apparently.
   
4. Ace of Base's Happy Nation was written about Belgium.
   
5. In 1999 Gay Dad were looking for some Joy!. Nowadays they'll settle for someone who vaguely remembers who they were. Or 10p for a cup of tea.
   
6. The Happy Mondays achieved all their start of the week based euphoria via a mix of positive thinking, breathing exercises and tai chi and not through the use in any way of mind bending narcotics.
   
7. David Bowie is happy. He hopes you're happy too.
   
8. Chico, apparently the happiest man in the world of pop, goes home every night and cries himself to sleep, exactly mirroring the actions of those who hear his records.
   
9. Smile and the world smiles with you, but sing along to a Rooster record and you sing along alone.
   
10. It uses more muscles to frown than to smile. The Sugababes have the most highly developed mouths in pop.

music happiness

Cheryl Tweedy got married this weekend and, despite it not being, even in showbiz circles, the world's most important event ever, it was still shrouded in the sort of secrecy that would make the sort of world leader who can't even be discrete when his microphone is switched on blush. The reason for all this cloak and dagger nonsense was to protect the exclusivity of her deal with OK Magazine, but for those of you who just can't wait - and we find it hard to believe that there's anyone in the world who finds the prospect of a new issue of OK Magazine to be that exciting - we've heard back from our spies on the ground and here's the inside gossip:-

• Due to the hush hush nature of the event, guests weren't told were the wedding was actually taking place in their invites. Instead they all had to phone a special number two days before the event, where they quizzed upon their identities before all was revealed. All except for Anneka Rice, that is, who had to follow a series of cryptic clues, before arriving in a helicopter, followed by two out of breath cameramen and a sound man.
  
• Cheryl had seven bridesmaids, one each for Ashley's seven brothers.
  
• Four of these bridesmaids were made up of her Girls Aloud bandmates. The other three won their places in the reality TV show Pop I Do.
  
• They all wore strapless, floor length, peach gowns. Apart from Nicola, whose dress mysteriously didn't turn up and so was forced to attend the ceremony in her vest and pants, and Nadine who 'accidentally' caught her dress in a door and lost the entire below waist section of it.
  
• Cheryl herself wore a meringue. Not a wedding dress that looked like a meringue, but an actual meringue.
  
• A giant marquee was set up outside the grounds of the venue. This was designed to protect the bride and grooms privacy and stretched all the way back to Cheryl and Ashley's place of residence, covering much of London.
  
• When Cheryl and Ashley turned up at the altar, the vicar surreptitiously turned to Cheryl and asked "You do realise that he's black, don't you?"
  
• After receiving an affirmative, he then turned to Ashley and surreptitiously whispered "You do realise she's a girl, don't you?"
  
• Guests at the wedding were forbidden to take any photographs and, on leaving the reception, they were all ushered to a second secret location, believed to be a farmhouse in Wiltshire, where they will be held at gunpoint until publication of OK Magazine, let they accidentally share a memory of the event with out proper authorisation from the copyright holders.
  
• Guests dined upon prawn cocktails, salad, and the cold dead flesh of many of Girls Aloud's rivals.
  
• Due to a shortage of waiting staff, Nicola found herself being roped into help, with Cheryl hissing "It's the least you can do after I deigned to invite you along".
  
• The guest list for the wedding was star-studded, with such showbiz luminaries as Girls Aloud, some footballers and Rikki - from Rikki and Daz - in attendance.
  
• Cheryl made a special point of inviting the band's manager. She also thought about inviting along Louis Walsh but decided against it in the end.
  
• No expense was spared on the entertainment, with the other girls from the band putting together a "This is Your Life" style video for Cheryl, which in no way consisted of them putting on the Popstars: The Rivals DVD, followed by the Girls Aloud: Off The Record TV series, which Kimberly's mum had taped off of the telly (except for episode 4, as it clashed with a late episode of Coronation Street).
  
• Showing their showbiz clout, Pete Tong was booked as the DJ, but he was swiftly bottled off after playing The Shoop Shoop Song five times in a row.
  
• The bouquet was caught by Javine, who could later be found crying in the toilets yelling "It should have been me!"
  
• The best man speech had to undergo some last minute editing when Ashley made it quite clear that the anecdote about him and the unknown DJ was not appropriate for the occasion.
  
• After the meal the crowd gathered round excitedly for the ceremony of the cutting of the cake, which was swiftly followed by the equally traditional splitting of the sponsors' cheques.
  
• Cheryl and Ashley's first dance was to Duran Duran's Is There Something I Should Know?"
  
• Wayne Rooney embarrassed himself by spending most of the reception running around, pretending he was an aeroplane, before being sick in the corner, leaving an exasperated Coleen to apologise for his behaviour, telling everyone that he was just "over-excited". He later threw a tantrum when Coleen decided it was time for him to leave as he was tired and not used to being up so late.
  
• Before receiving their slice of wedding cake, all guests were required to sign a legally binding contract confirming that they would not promptly go off and sell it on eBay.
  
• And they all lived happily ever after.

music girls aloud cheryl tweedy ashley cole

It's Monday! And, thanks to spending Friday afternoon relaxing in sunshine down by the beach, we're now a shade of red which matches Molly Faders McQueen's hair. It is not a good look. Still, having learnt of the importance of suntan lotion - a lesson we always forget by the time next year rolls around - here's the slightly more relevant things we learnt from this week's Top of the Pops:-

• Despite the fact that most people would consider it an impossible task akin to garnering some sort of enjoyment out of meaningless charity 'spectaculars', McFly have somehow managed to do a bad version of Queen's Don't Stop me Now. And we're not just talking bad as in a "not as good as the original" kinda way, but bad as in "Dear God, hand us a knitting needle so we can puncture our own eardrums and make the nightmare stop" sorta fashion.
  
• James Dean Bradfield's new solo single contains handclaps. On the Big Long List of Really Surprising Things this lies somewhere between "The Second coming actually happening" and "Someone having no doubt in their mind whatsoever that it's not butter".
  
• Beyonce's Deja Vu doesn't live up to it's name as it's certainly no Crazy in Love. It may, however, be a bit of a grower.
  
• James Morrison, You Give Me Something. An all-encompassing sense of ennui, mainly.
  
• The Red Hot Chilli Peppers' new single, Tell Me, Baby, is pretty much indistinguishable from the rest of their turgid back catalogue, which means that's it's also indistinguishable from a festering turd.
  
• Rogue Traders, who feature Izzy from Neighbours, are a million times better than Craig McLachlan's Check One Two. We should probably point out that it's quite good, as even the sound of two cats fighting is a million times better than Craig McLachlan's Check One Two.
  
• RETRO: Huey, Louis and the News doing The Power of Love. Dewy was always pissed off that he wasn't asked to be in the band alongside his brothers.
  
• embarrassingly for the back-up guitarist for Franz Ferdinand's performance of Eleanor Put Your Boots On, he'd put his guitar in the washing machine at the wrong temperature and it had come out all shrunk. The shame!
  
• Alex's t-shirt may have had a rude word upon on. What a rebel! He hadn't even bothered shaving either.
  
• Lily Allen and her Unfeasibly Large Forehead are still number one.

music tv totp

So, last week we told you that the single greatest pop record of the year was now available in the shops and then, with our usual dedication to duty, promptly said nothing more about it, despite having made some promises in that general direction. Well! We can now reveal, as even a cursory glance at the release schedule should have told you, said top quality track is none other than Pull Shapes by The Pipettes, our, and surely the world's, favourite polka-dot clad princesses. Pull Shapes is a euphoric rush of sugary sweet sass-pop, all retro-modern girl-band aceness with more hook lines than an overstocked tackle shop. It soars gloriously to the sort of pop heights which cause problems with air traffic control and generally makes the whole affair seem so effortless that you have to wonder why more singles aren't this good. In short, it's nothing less than Girls Aloud without the budget.

But they don't just stun your senses into submission in recorded format. Oh, no, live they're roughly as amazing as watching a magician make Paul Daniels disappear, then forgetting to bring him back again afterwards. We know this to be true as we went to see them perform for our - and, admittedly, quite a few other people's - pleasure on Wednesday night. Support came from Young Pretty Things, who seemed to be a bit rubbish, but we only caught the end of their set as we had to trawl the streets of Glasgow trying to find our mate's ticket which she had promptly lost within seconds of us handing it to her and 'hilariously' saying "Now be careful and don't lose this", and The 1990s who are ace, but where seriously hampered by crap sound at the start of their set.

There was nothing to hamper the main event, though. Looking for all the world like three girls who've been practicing their moves in nothing more fancy than their own bedrooms - a good thing, by the way - their ramshackle yet enthusiastic performance showed far more pizazz and originality than the vast majority of pop bands who spend hour after hour rehearsing in professional spaces until even the merest hint of joy gets sucked out of them. Their moves may not always be entirely in synch, their harmonies occasionally a touch off, but the sheer, unadulterated genius at the heart of the band comes shining through like the shaft of light which beams up from atop the Luxor casino in Las Vegas. They have the look, they have the attitude and, more than that, they have the songs to match. Few bands could get away with declaring that they like a boy in uniform (school uniform) - and we would certainly suggest that Michael Jackson thinks twice before attempting to cover it - but The Pipettes manage it, always staying on just the right side of the good pop/novelty trash divide.

They are the Pipettes, and they're not done with us yet. And, frankly, neither are we with them.music pipettes

So, Syd Barrett died on Tuesday and, while we realise that Pink Floyd aren't exactly within the remit of a poptimistic music site, it's either this or we do something about 'happiness' because Lily Allen's Smile is at number one, which we inevitably will do next week when nothing else proves to be inspirational for us. Anyway, here's ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the nation's favourite bunch of miserable old gits with far too much time on their hands, time which is generally spent playing guitar solos:-

1. Fluctuating sales of Dark Side of the Moon are used to monitor both the aging nature of the population and the amount of moody teenagers who need to get more sunlight.
   
2. Roger Waters, who left the band in an argument over whose turn it was to buy the digestives, now makes a living working the kids party circuit as Cheery Chuck, The Chortlesome Clown.
   
3. The children's choir used for Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2) took the anti-education message of the song to heart and attempted to stage a revolution, chanting "We don't need no education" as they stormed the headteacher's office. It was swiftly brought under control, however, once the head of English was brought in, who pointed out that "We don't need no education" contains a double negative and, as such, they did need to be educated. Subdued, the kids returned to their classrooms.
   
4. The Piper at The Gates of Dawn was a title of a recent Doctor Who episode. It was about horseradishes.
   
5. After going a tad looney tunes due to his ever so slightly excessive consumption of drugs, Syd Barrett supplemented his income from the few Pink Floyd releases he played upon by claiming Job Seekers allowance. Sign on, you crazy diamond.
   
6. There's a theory that Dark Side of the Moon synchs up perfectly with the visuals for The Wizard of Oz, a theory which makes perfect sense until you consider the fact that the running time for Wizard of Oz is twice that of Dark Side of the Moon. However! If you play Pink's Missundaztood followed by the audio book version of Keith Floyd's Mediterranean Recipes everything makes perfect sense. Except for why you even own the audio book version of Keith Floyd's Mediterranean Recipes.
   
7. If you ever go to a Pink Floyd concert, it's quite possible to leave the arena, go to the toilet, have a pint, look at the merchandise stall, get involved in a long, protracted conversation about bugling with a man from Dusseldorf, take a jet-ski lesson and watch the sunrise over Stonehenge and, by the time you get back, they'll still be playing the same song, only now it's in a slightly different key.
   
8. Depending on how you see it, The Wall is either Roger Water's harrowing account of the mental pressures that success and fame brings, the self-pitying whining of an overprivileged twat with all the self-awareness of a pebble, a godawful movie starring Bob Geldof, or the thing that stops the roof from falling down.
   
9. Pink Floyd are celebrated for their over the top light shows, which dazzle and amaze in equal measure. Most of this celebration comes from the offices of the local electricity board.
   
10. See Emily Play is really rather good, you know.

music

It's Tuesday! But, hey, for a change that's the BBC's fault, as they decided that some sort of sporting nonsense was of a higher priority than the nation's longest running music show. Mind you, given the way it's been treated as it careers towards its undignified end, they'd probably consider a previously unseen episode of My Family to be worth postponing it for. Anyway, here's what we eventually learnt from this week's Top of the Pops:-

• It was a T in the Park special this week, which meant that this week's edition was a chart show which bore absolutely no relation whatsoever to the current chart. We're sure this decision made sense to someone, somewhere.
  
• Mind you, if you'd missed any of the weekend's coverage of the event then it did at least provide you with a flavour of went on. And we can imagine many people did as every time we tuned into it The Sodding Kooks were always on.
  
• Arctic Monkeys reckon that You Look Good on the Dancefloor. Having witnessed the distressing sight of a dancefloor full of people dancing awkwardly to this insultingly derivative slice of indie we feel they're sadly mistaken.
  
• Goldfrapp were doing Ooh La La, but, alas, electro-sex kitten Alison must have been otherwise engaged as taking on lead singer duties was your scary Aunt who believes she's still 25.
  
• Kaiser Chiefs Predict a Riot. Given the amount of alcohol fuelled neds at T in the Park, this is akin to predicting that water is a little bit wet.
  
• Paul Weller?! Paul Fucking Weller?! Jesus wept.
  
• Despite their reputation for being natty dressers, we find it unlikely that the country and western style flowery shirt look will catch on.
  
• According to the crowd, the lyrics to Take Me Out run "Wurgh wurgh, wurgh-wurgh-wurgh. Wurgh wurgh, wurgh-wurgh-wurgh. Wurgh Wurgh, wurgh. TAKE ME OUT".
  
• Ironically, Corinne Bailey Rae's Trouble Sleeping instantly managed to send an entire tent full of people off to the land of slumber.
  
• The Who, featuring convicted sex offender Pete Townsend were talking about their generation. Next time they want to do this, they should really think about addressing a bingo hall.
  
• Lily Allen is at number one, meaning she is officially better than her dad. Mind you, simply by not actually being Keith Allen, she is officially better than her dad.

music tv totp