Friday, January 28, 2005
Everyone's a Winner, Baby!
Except, of course, they're not and, despite what Nick Berry claimed in his 1986 number one hit, every loser doesn't win, they lose, hence why they're called losers. It's not really that hard a concept to grasp. Anyway, Nick might not know much about winners, but we certainly do as we're about to announce the name of the lucky person who'll soon be receiving an exciting parcel through the post thanks to our Popstars: The Rivals competition, so if we could dim the lights please, the votes have been counted and verified and I can reveal that the winner of the first Talent in a Previous Life competition of 2005 is...
(This is a pause for tension by the way. The site's not buggered up or anything like that)
(If you want to go and get a cup of tea or go to the toilet, now would be a good time as we're going to be here for quite a while)
(It's dead exciting though, isn't it! It's just like what Kate Thornton or Ant and Dec or Davina McCall would do)
(At this point we should really be cutting to shots of the nervous faces of the entrants, cranking up the tension level that little bit higher. Perhaps if you've entered you might like to get a mirror and look at your own anguished face, while imagining what the other contestants might look like)
And we'll tell you who's won after this short commercial break.
And we're back! So, without any further ado, lets get on with telling you our lucky winner is. The Popstars: The Rivals VHS will be going to...
(Don't worry, it's a shorter pause this time.)
(No, really it is, please, come back! Don't leave!)
...Elaine Docherty who was very nearly disqualified after claiming she could have Caprice in a fight. Not because we doubt this claim, but because, despite having released a single, there is no way that Caprice could be described as a popstar. Fortunately she submitted a second entry suggesting that she could have Rachel Stevens as "If her interviews are anything to go by, she is so vacuous she wouldn't even know that when I was showing her a new dance move where she bashes herself over the head with microphone, I can grab the wire, run around her and tie her up, leaving her struggling to move, then I can Cheryl Tweedy her to the moon and back. I would hope she won't turn out to be a RachelBot, and start sparking.". So, there we have it. We're in the process of organising the fight as we speak and as soon as Elaine proves that it's no idle boast and that she can conclusively defeat Rachel the prize will be winging it's way to her.
Thanks to all who entered and we'll be keeping our eyes open for more cheap pop tat to give away in another competition later in the year.
(This is a pause for tension by the way. The site's not buggered up or anything like that)
(If you want to go and get a cup of tea or go to the toilet, now would be a good time as we're going to be here for quite a while)
(It's dead exciting though, isn't it! It's just like what Kate Thornton or Ant and Dec or Davina McCall would do)
(At this point we should really be cutting to shots of the nervous faces of the entrants, cranking up the tension level that little bit higher. Perhaps if you've entered you might like to get a mirror and look at your own anguished face, while imagining what the other contestants might look like)
And we'll tell you who's won after this short commercial break.
And we're back! So, without any further ado, lets get on with telling you our lucky winner is. The Popstars: The Rivals VHS will be going to...
(Don't worry, it's a shorter pause this time.)
(No, really it is, please, come back! Don't leave!)
...Elaine Docherty who was very nearly disqualified after claiming she could have Caprice in a fight. Not because we doubt this claim, but because, despite having released a single, there is no way that Caprice could be described as a popstar. Fortunately she submitted a second entry suggesting that she could have Rachel Stevens as "If her interviews are anything to go by, she is so vacuous she wouldn't even know that when I was showing her a new dance move where she bashes herself over the head with microphone, I can grab the wire, run around her and tie her up, leaving her struggling to move, then I can Cheryl Tweedy her to the moon and back. I would hope she won't turn out to be a RachelBot, and start sparking.". So, there we have it. We're in the process of organising the fight as we speak and as soon as Elaine proves that it's no idle boast and that she can conclusively defeat Rachel the prize will be winging it's way to her.
Thanks to all who entered and we'll be keeping our eyes open for more cheap pop tat to give away in another competition later in the year.
