Friday, February 20, 2004
Thoughts of the Pops
It's come to our attention that Jordan may be about to sign to BMG and release a record. We're not big fans of Jordan here at TiaPL, mainly as the only reason she appears to be considered attractive is the fact that she has large breasts. That alone does not make someone attractive, if it did then Fatman Scoop would be the considered the most gorgeous person to ever walk the earth. But that's by the by - mainly as we don't wish to entertain the image of Mr Scoop in a thong bikini - Jordan releasing a record isn't necessarily a bad thing, if it's anything like the description that can be found at the bottom of this page then it would likely be one of the 117 Acest Things in the World... Ever! (and we'd like to point out that there's also an excellent description of a potential Nicola Roberts single on page 2 of that thread). Unfortunately though, it's more likely that it'll be a dull dance-lite number with more emphasis on the video than any sort of musical fabness. We also expect that the video will feature a number of high camera shots. But anyway, if Peter Andre can get back onto Top of the Pops thanks to I'm a Celebrity... then why can't she? Here's what we learnt from Peter, and the others, on this weeks show.
- Kylie Minogue is a red blooded woman. This apparantly this involves substituting the word 'freak' for 'fuck', a subtle tactic last employed by Another Level. If Kylie continues down this road then we strongly expect to see her collaborating with Victoria Beckham in the near future, which we reckon would be a rather ace idea as this single is exactly what we wanted Victoria's new stuff to sound like.
- When the performance by Black Eyed Peas featuring Tippa Irie was announced by talent vacuum Tim Kash we misheard and thought it was featuring T'Pau. By the end of the song we were extremely disappointed that this wasn't the case.
- The N*E*R*D track seems a bit rubbish to us, but then, we're clearly not exactly at the cutting edge given our dreams of T'Pau sampling.
- Worryingly Peter Andre was probably the best thing on the show. Despite the fact that Bubbler Ranx couldn't be arsed turning up and despite the fact that it is still a clear rip off of Inner Circle's Sweat, it is a really fab little summery pop song. Just a shame it's being released in February, really.
- Ferry Corsten of Rock Your Body Rock 'fame' is (or are) too ugly to appear on Top of the Pops, hence the use of the video over the chart countdown.
- If 50 Cent can't do it, it can't be done. This presumably includes "avoiding being shot"
- Sam and Mark are clearly angling to become the male tATu, the homo-erotic tension in this performance was tangible - witness the start of the performance as Sam walks up with a girl, before pulling away from her, and a group of girls waiting for them, to go and walk side by side with his buddy Mark. While they didn't actually hold hands, you could see it was only because they were worried what society would think of them. They exchanged sly little glances, sang about needing someone to love, and basically just about mangaged to resist indulging in a little controversy causing hanky-panky on the Top of the Pops stage. And don't get us started on the subtext of turning a song called Measure of a man into a duet, it certainly lets us understand exactly what they get up to when they're bored with only a ruler for entertainment.
Actually, no, ignore that. It's clearly nonsense. If Mark was gay then it might actually add a sheen of interest to his personality, and we all know that that's non-existent, much like any redeeming features of this single. We do like the fact that they teamed up together though. Both of them feeling that they had something to offer the other, after all, Mark had half a talent, Sam had half a talent, who was to blame them for thinking that by teaming up together they could form one whole talent? Alas, as any mathematician will tell you, multiplying two halves together simply gives you a quarter, which explains why this release is so much direr than anyone dared to expect. Still, at least we've reached the year's musical nadir already, it's got to be up, up up all the way now, hasn't it? Please?
