The Princess Diana Memorial Concert takes place this afternoon, an event which is, to all intents and purposes, a celebration of one woman's entirely awful taste in music. We're not going to watch it ourselves as we have, frankly, a lot better things to be doing with our time - 'nothing', for example, springs instantly to mind - but we are lazy enough to use it as a launchpad for an article, so join us as we proudly present The A to Z of the Diana Memorial Concert:-

• A is for Absinthe. Drinking large quantities of this hallucinogenic spirit might well make the experience, if not enjoyable, then at least slightly more bearable.
  
• B is for Bryan Ferry. Bryan, who is at pains to point out that it's only Nazi architecture he loves and not Nazism in general, will definitely not be getting any sort of cheap thrill at performing in front of a Nuremberg rally sized crowd in any way, shape or form. Definitely.
  
• C is for Car Crash. Would it be in bad taste to suggest that the concert is likely to be a bit of a car crash? It would? Good.
  
• D is for Dresses. Other than marrying a prince and dieing somewhat unexpectedly, Diana was mainly famous for spending much of her time standing around, doing nothing whatsoever save wearing expensive dresses. Normally this is the sort of behaviour we condone - see J is for Joss Stone - but as she didn't even wear them well we don't think there should be any celebration of this entirely minuscule contribution to society.
  
• E is for Excrement. It would take someone with both too much time on their hands and an unhealthy interest in sewerage to work out exactly how many tonnes of excrement will be pumped out by the arena's toilets during the gig, but it's likely to be roughly akin to that which will be pumped out by the speakers.
  
• F is for Flowers. After Diana was killed in a car crash - or, if you're Mohamed al Fayed, a conspiracy theorist or Daily Express reader - was murdered by the establishment in such a way that would have even the Die Hard producers feeling it was a little far fetched - many people laid flowers outside Buckingham palace in a futile expression of grief at the death of a Princess. We plan on leaving a number of floral tributes outside Wembley stadium in a futile expression of grief at the death of music.
  
• G is for Ghost. In a bid to inject some sort of excitement, interest and fun to the event - it seems unlikely that the acts booked will be able to do so - organisers have booked a top special effects team to create the illusion of Diana's ghost appearing on stage at various points throughout the gig, offering judgement on the acts performing and re-enacting some of her greatest hits; "There where three of us in that marriage", "We go to McDonalds, just like ordinary people, only surrounded by a massive entourage of security", "Are you sure you're fit to drive? You look a bit pissed to me", etc, etc.
  
• H is for Huh?. Which was the reaction of most people when they heard that this event was actually being organised and wasn't just some elaborate practical joke.
  
• I is for Irritating. Which was most people's view of Diana until she died, the act of being in a car crash somehow transforming her from a publicity seeking, self obsessed embarrassment to someone whose life was of apparent worth.
  
• J is for Joss Stone. Joss will be doing what she does best at today's gig, namely wearing a nice dress. Unfortunately she'll also be doing what she does worst, namely singing forgettable cod soul numbers and talking between songs in a cod American accent. Indeed, there's so much cod involved in her performance that she has to have extra security to protect her from the hordes of fishermen who think that she's the saviour of the British fishing industry.
  
• K is for Kanye West. Who clearly looks at the amount he's going to get paid before looking at what he's actually going to be doing.
  
• L is for Landmines. In tribute to the work that Diana did for landmine charities, a number of landmines will be placed randomly around the arena for lucky punters to discover. Those that do will win a special prize. And lose a leg.
  
• M is for Mondays. As in Geldof, Bob's dislike of them. This event has got nothing to do with him but that's not going to stop him turning up on stage with his piano to perform the track one more sodding time, you mark our words. Unless you're on security in which case mark his forehead with the little red dot of the laser sight. Cheers.
  
• N is for Newsworthy. Which this event clearly isn't, but not that that's going to stop it getting blanket coverage in the newspapers tomorrow, desperate for anything to fill a bit of space. Unlike us, of course. Ahem.
  
• O is for Orson. Who by dint with some sort of pact with the devil are still, despite their inherent awfulness, going. This, we imagine, are exactly their audience: people who clearly don't actually like music.
  
• P is for Princes. And Pointless, but as the words are pretty interchangeable when it comes to William and Harry, it doesn't really matter. They're two people with such little self awareness that not only do they think that the best way to commemorate their dead mum is to have a massive arena gig in her honour, but they actually get to do it. Most people who have dead mums have to make do with putting flowers on their grave instead.
  
• Q is for The Queen. Contrary to reports, she was invited to attend at the concert, but decided instead to sell her ticket on eBay for a tidy profit.
  
• R is for Reality. Something which the organisers have only a passing grasp on. Unlike Realty, which they know very well indeed.
  
• S is for Security. After the incident at Glasgow Airport yesterday, possibly the world's most rubbish terrorist attack ever - Oh, well done. You've broken a window and set fire to yourself. You must be very proud - security has been stepped up at the concert. Although frankly if any terrorist wanted to garner more support for their cause then we can't think of any better way to go about it than by taking out the sort of people who think that going to a concert celebrating the life of a rich woman, born to a life of obscene wealth and privilege is a good way to spend their Sunday afternoon.
  
• T is for Toilet Breaks. Normally at big megagigs such as these, the main worry for those attending is trying to work out when to take a toilet break. For this gig, however, the main worry is working out when not to take them.
  
• U is for Unexpected. Nothing unexpected whatsoever will happen at the gig. Even the ad libs will be painfully scripted.
  
• V is for Venison. Served at most of the stadium's food outlets for today's gig, this will be the cheap option for those who haven't had the foresight to bring their own picnic baskets, stuffed to the brim with quail's eggs.
  
• W is for Wembley. Much like the pyramids, it took them many hundreds of years to build the venue and, much like the pyramids, many people will look up at the immense construction and wonder "What on earth is the point? Surely the resources could have been better spent elsewhere?"
  
• X is for Xylophones. There may or may not be some xylophone action on stage. We can't be arsed to check.
  
• Y is for Yes, This Has Gone on a Bit, Hasn't It?. Well it has!
  
• Z is for Zzzzzz. For obvious reasons, really.

Labels: A to Z, Diana Memorial Concert, Princess Diana

The Princess Diana Memorial Concert was presumably intended as being this year's 'big' concert, but it's kinda had it's thunder stolen by Al Gore's Live Earth event. Mind you, any event is likely to come up wanting against something whose stated aim is to save the world - as yet it's unclear whether they also intend on saving the cheerleader - but one whose sole purpose is to glorify the life of a disgustingly rich and supremely self-centred woman is really going to be pushing it in the 'worthy' stakes. As with Live 8, our coverage of the whole Live Earth event will be nothing if not comprehensive - although it's worth noting 'comprehensive' is not the same thing as 'funny' - but before we dip our toes into that particular pool of melted icecap water, here's a look at the artists lined up to perform at what is possibly the year's least essential musical event:-

• Take That - After the success of their comeback, which must have taken them by as much surprise as it's taken the rest of the country, Take That are now act of the moment. In sense that it's impossible for a moment to go by without them making another bloody appearance on whatever stage will have them. Come on, boys. We know you're chuffed about it all, but please, try and show a bit of decorum.
  
• Kanye West - Because Diana was famed for her love of hip hop. Though in a way she did spend her final moments embracing the street. Arf.
  
• Pharrell Williams - Another unlikely choice, but this is down to William and Harry, who have helped choose the line up. Their mum was a massive Superman fan and they've booked him under the mistaken belief that they've got Jor-El, Superman's Dad.
  
• Elton John - You'd have thought that anyone involved with Candle in the Wind 97 would do their best to distance themselves from anything that might even remotely remind the public of that painful, distressing time. We still remember how upset we felt when we heard the news that it had reached number one. We even, like many others, found ourselves feeling the urge to go and lay some flowers with a simple message of "Why?" outside the headquarters of the Official UK Charts Company.
  
• Bryan Adams - Apparently still going. By now Summer of '69 sounds less a glorious revel in the joys of youth and more the equivalent of The Flintstones theme.
  
• Orson - Amazingly, and despite all the unequivocal evidence pointing to this fact, the public have yet to realise that Orson are unadulterated mince on an epic scale, with a singer whose lack of charisma is matched only by his lack of hair and whose pointlessness is matched only by the singer's unshakable belief that, thanks to his cunning use of hats, we're all convinced that he actually does have a full, thick and lustrous head of hair.
  
• James Blunt - Presumably performing on the basis that seeing as Diana suffered during her life - a belief held firm by many of her supporters, who presumably confuse the phrase 'suffered' with 'lived in obscene luxury' - it's only fair that people at this gig should experience a bit of suffering as well.
  
• Keane - Performing because the singer, keyboardist and drummer are 7th, 33rd and 198th in line to the throne respectively. They''ll also be arriving in a special gold coach. There'll be three of them in the carriage. Arf!
  
• Rod Stewart - Diana often copied her hairstyles from Rod.
  
• Meatloaf - No, we're not exactly sure what he's doing on the bill either, but he's so got to perform Bat out of Hell, with its tale of a motorbike crash amended and updated, just like Elton, to cover the incident in France.
  
• James Morrison - The Frankenstein's Monster like result of putting a bunch of marketing men in a room and asking them to come up with something that will sell.
  
• Duran Duran - As a band who, during their heyday, crafted an image of obscene wealth, luxury and general moneyphilia, it's a fitting choice that they should be playing a gig to celebrate a woman whose day to day life matched that depicted in their videos. No wonder they were her favourite band.
  
• Andrew Lloyd Webber - They do realise that when it comes to musicals he writes them, not performs him. Watching him live on stage as he sits at a desk, ripping off a piece of classical music is unlikely to be much of a thrill. Though admittedly still a lot more enjoyable than watching him attempt to run through a medley of Cats' tunes.
  
• Bryan Ferry - Bryan has just released an album of Bob Dylan covers. What's even more worrying than that is that people actually bought it.
  
• Joss Stone - Well, it gives her an opportunity to wear a lovely dress at least. And perhaps being around a lot of people speaking in received pronunciation might help to remind her which side of the Atlantic her own accent comes from.
  
• The English National Ballet - It's all tutu much. Arf.

Labels: Diana Memorial Concert, Hell on Earth, Princess Diana