It was thirty years ago today that Malcom McLaren taught the band to, if not play, then at least to hold their instruments in a vaguely confident manner, look agressive and wear unusual clothes. Oh, and spit. That was very important. Yes, it's the anniversery of the Sex Pistols first gig or something like that. We've not been paying too much attention to be honest, but we've noticed that the Sunday supplements have been full of features about it, along with a number of attempts, with various degrees of success it has to be said, to convince us that John Lydon taking part in I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here was some sort of rebellious act and not the slightly embarrassing sight of a desperate man trying to be controversial and failing miserably.

If you've read even a smattering of these pieces, you might be forgiven for coming away with the impression that punk influenced every band that has ever existed from 1977 onwards and was the single most important musical movement ever, rather than something which burnt out quite quickly, leaving behind a lot of embarassing American bands, seemingly unaware that the world has not only moved on, but has turned its back on the whole sorry affair, and that having spiked hair and wearing clothes with chains on them isn't really that counter culture and anti-establishment when even Top Shop has co-opted the style.

We'd also like to point out to all the people who've been claiming that punk is so much better than today's pop music because it wasn't all about style over substance that they're idiots. If anything punk was the ultimate triumph of style over substance, as strip away the image and the attitude then all you're left with is a bunch of ugly blokes who can't play their instruments making a godawful racket and spitting at people, something which is more likely to gain them an ASBO, rather than any sort of record deal.

The Buzzcocks were ace though.

music punk

In a vague attempt to make the country healthier, something which is doomed to failure unless a similar scheme attempting to persuade us that deep-frying every single thing we eat isn't the only way to cook food is set up, Scotland officially became a non-smoking country as of 6AM Sunday. Naturally this can only be a good thing, though this clearly wasn't a view shared by the venue owners at a gig we went to on Monday - The Fratellis, if you're interested. We really like Being You Can't be Easy and the band confidently played this as the second song in their set. Alas, such confidence was misplaced, as the rest of their set was the sort of rubbish early Libertines-esque music which we'd half been expecting. Still, at least they were better than the support band, possibly called The Rushes, who are great if you like shit indie played by ugly boys with bad hair. We don't. - as they decided to compensate for the smoke-free atmosphere by turning up the smoke machine to full blast which lead us to briefly believe we were taking part in a remake of The Fog. Never mind, though, to celebrate this, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up pop facts about Smoking:-

1. "Is it my imagination", sang Liam Gallagher from Oasis "And all I found was cigarettes and alcohol". Alas, this episode of the children's TV series Let's Pretend was deemed unsuitable for broadcast.
   
2. Smokie wondered in song form why they were no longer Living Next Door to Alice, never once stopping to think that the constant cloud of smoke, yellow stains all over the walls and the horrible stench of stale nicotine lingering over the property which was dragging down property prices might have been a key factor in persuading her to get out while the going was good.
   
3. Natalie Imbruglia records are banned from being played during children's TV shows,not just because it was discovered that Smoke was a thinly veiled attempt to subliminally advertise cigarettes, paid for by the tobacco companies, but also because her recent stuff has been fucking awful.
   
4. Without cigarettes, it's unlikely that Jazz would ever have existed. If ever there was a reason to invest heavily in building a time machine, like one in a film we've seen, and going back and changing the past, this is it.
   
5. Similarly, the career of Take That, East 17, and other miscellaneous boy bands are unlikely to have done as well as they did without the existence of fags.
   
6. Erasure are staunch anti-smokers and have often used their music to encourage people to give up. Stop, Breath of Life, Love to Hate You and Fingers and Thumbs (Cold Summer Day) all contained a message exhorting smokers to stub out the weed, though it's a bit more subtle on the latter.
   
7. Every cigarette you smoke takes 8 minutes off your life. Smokers may wish to ponder on this fact, give up smoking, then send any unused cigarettes to Chico Slimani, care of Novelty Island.
   
8. Justin Hawkins, from The Darkness - a novelty band from the early 00's, some readers may just about remember them - refuses to go into any potentially smoky atmosphere, such as a pub or nightclub, for fear that his voice may be damaged by doing so. And because he's scared he'd get beaten up for being an irritating little baldy prick.
   
9. Ash, the band, have decided to devote all their time and energy to supporting ASH, the similarly named anti-smoking campaign group. Well, they've not got anything else better to do with their time right now so they might as well.
   
10. Sometimes, all we need is the air that we breathe.

music

It's Monday! And we were a bit busy last week, sorry. Normal service has now been resumed, although given what amounts to normal service round these parts we wouldn't go around expecting an avalanche of posts if we were you. Instead, as we're nothing if not predictable, here's what we learnt from this week's Top of the Pops:-

• Rufus Hound was joined by Jo Brand, who he bizarrely introduced as "The Queen of stand up comedy".
  
• To instantly prove why Rufus was being ironic, Jo's first introduction ran "Oh, I feel like I'm having a stroke. In fact, here's The Strokes!".
  
• Heart in a Cage, their new single, demonstrates that, for all that they're hyped up as being the most exciting and freshest sounding guitar band around in the world today, there's nothing The Strokes love more than a leaden trawl through some of the duller dustbins of the musical past.
  
• And Julian Casablancas really needs to wash his hair and invest in a quality conditioner.
  
• Fresh from co-hosting Top of the Pops a couple of weeks back, Cyndi Lauper was back to doing what she does best, i.e. not presenting television. She gave us a lovely blast of Time After Time, though she should really keep her legs closed. It's not ladylike.
  
• Natures Law by Embrace. It's Embrace! Doing and Embrace song! And they... Zzzzzzzzz.
  
• RETRO: Kym Wilde doing Kids in America. Woah-oh. A stripy top and a blazer? Now we know where Franz Ferdinand got their fashion tips from.
  
• Journey South are back doing The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face. And guess what?! They might have been insufferably shit on X Factor, but now they're in the real world they've somehow managed to transform themselves into an act that is even worse!
  
• Scottish readers may be interested to know that Journey South will be at the Clyde Auditorium later this year. We dunno who they're going to be seeing there, though.
  
• We've got a great joke about P!nk's Stupid Girls which we haven't got round to doing yet. We probably never will now, but trust us, it's brilliant!
  
• Mattafix's To and Fro is rather dull and no amount of laptops balanced crazily on oil drums will change that.
  
• Had they played Prince's Black Sweat after Stupid Girl we could have done some sort of "From Pink to Purple. It's certainly a lot bluer, anyway" comment, but we can't. Oh well.
  
• When will famous people realise, The Streets' When You Wasn't Famous is the culprit here, that we don't actually care how hard it is being famous and it's incredibly boring to here you whine on about it.
  
• Mike dedicated this to Cheryl Tweedy and Ashley Cole, who definitely isn't gay, in a desperate bid to stir up controversy about the hackneyed 'revelations' in his new song.
  
• Ne*Yo's So Sick is number one. Apparently he's "so sick of love songs, so sad and slow, so why can't he turn off the radio". A task which is surprisingly easy once this insipid and saccharine slice of schmaltz comes on the airwaves.

music tv totp

The Commonwealth Games - basically the Olympics, only more dull and irrelevant, but involving netball - start today in Melbourne, Australia. To celebrate this entirely pointless event, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about Australia:-

1. Kylie Minogue is the official head of state, and her outfit from the Can't Get You Out of My Head video is the country's national dress.
   
2. On meeting any foreigner, Australians legally have to apologise immediately for Delta Goodrem's career.
   
3. Spice Girls forerunners Girlfriend still act as ambassadors for their home country, mainly thanks to Qantas taking pity on them and giving them jobs as air hostesses.
   
4. In Australia Rolf Harris is considered to be a cultural icon on a par with Bach or Beethoven, and his ability to heal animals has led many to suggest he replace Francis of Assisi in the pantheon of saints.
   
5. Indeed, cruelty to animals is so frowned upon there that it's considered a serious criminal offence to attack any dumb creature, so be careful if you're tempted to strike out at a Koala Bear, Duck Billed Platypus or Peter Andre
   
6. The further away from home an Australian is, the more likely they are to get weepy on hearing Men at Work's Down Under.
   
7. Having said that, locals are still quite likely to cry upon hearing it, albeit for entirely different reasons.
   
8. Jason Donovan is the country's official historian. He records everything that happens in the land of Oz and sends it off each day in a letter. Sealed with a kiss.
   
9. Australia has more than its fair share of poisonous snakes, yet none are more dangerous than the snake in the grass businessman Stefan Dennis, whose evil deals were seen daily in the popular fly on the wall documentary series, Neighbours.
   
10. We really want to visit Australia, anyone want to pay for our flight?

music australia

So Kylie Minogue has taken time out from her busy schedule of recovering from cancer and has written a children's book to selflessly try and entertain the kids of the world, and if she just so happens to make a few bob out of it thanks to her large fanbase who would buy a plastic carrier bag if it happened to have a Kylie logo on it, then, well, that's just a bonus. It's to be called Showgirl Princess and deals with a young girl who always dreamed of being a popstar and one day gets to live out her fantasy. Despite the obvious similarities, however, Kylie is at pains to stress that it's not autobiographical and is just a bit of fun for wannabe princesses everywhere. But Kylie's not the only member of the Minogue clan to display a literary bent; sister Dannii has also written her own kids book and, like her sibling, it's not autobiographical in any way shape or form and will be released under the title The Less Successful Princess Who In No Way Hangs on to Her Sister's Coattails.

Some of you may well be intrigued by the prospect of this gem which will surely be troubling the Booker Prize Judges when the shortlist gets drawn up, well fear not! You don't need to make your way to your local bookstore as here at Talent in a Previous Life we have exclusive access to the first draft of the book and we proudly republish it for your enjoyment below:-

The Less Successful Princess Who In No Way Hangs on to Her Sister's Coattails
by Dannii Minogue, aged 34 30 27

Once upon a time there was a girl called Dannii who always lived life in the dark. It wasn't because the sun never shone, or because she didn't go outside, or even because she lived in Australia, where the seasons are all back to front and upside down and topsy turvey and the sun comes out at night then goes away in the daytime. No, it was because she was always living in the shadow of her sister, Kylie.

The shadow cast its long, cold, dark shape over everything Dannii did and the only reason she struggled to succeed was because its constrictive nature made it hard for her to shine and not because she was less talented than her sister at all. Oh, no. If anything her sister was jealous of Dannii: "Oh Dannii, how I wish I had your lifestyle", Kylie would sigh, in an Australian accent, as she sashayed around the room in a pair of sparkly hotpants, "I mean, I can't go anywhere without being mobbed by fans, all desperate to talk to me for even five seconds, something which, while meaningless to me, will be the highlight of their pitiful existence, while you, you can go anywhere, do anything, say anything and no-one will even bat an eyelid, let alone notice you're there. It must be so easy for you."

Dannii wouldn't respond, knowing that the only reason she didn't get noticed was because it was so dark in the shadow that the only way she'd be seen would be if someone shone a torch in her general direction, but it did get to her. It was so unfair that everyone thought of her just as a bandwagon jumper, cashing in on her sister's fame, merely because she was a bandwagon jumper who was cashing in on her sister's fame. "I must do something about it", she said to no-one in particular, "It's time people knew who the real talent in the Minogue family was", and with a flash and a crash, she summoned up her Fairy Godfather.

"Cough, cough and sneeze", said the head of A&R at AATW, her Fairy Godmother, as he waved away the smoke which heralded his arrival. "What can I do for you, Dannii? I've already told you, the market's not ready for an artist of your, uh, stature at the moment. The bargain bins are still piled high with copies of your last single and there's no room for any more."

"Tell me who the most talented member of the Minogue family is", said Dannii, petulantly.

"Well, it's Kylie, isn't it", said her Fairy Godmother flippantly, as he checked the text messages on his phone, "Who else would it be?"

"No!" screamed Dannii, "This is my fairy story and I want to hear a different answer"

"A different answer?", mused the A&R man, "Umm, do you have any brothers?"

Pissed off at this point Dannii punched the A&R man and flounced out, her sister's shadow following behind like a love sick puppy, albeit one determined to ruin the object of its affections career in any way possible.

As Dannii grumpily walked down the street, the dark shadow following her mirrored her mood, she began to formulate a plan. The only way she could prove she wasn't a leech clinging on to her sister's success like a drowning sailor clings onto a life jacket was to escape from the shadow which eclipsed her true talent. But how could one escape a shadow? On the face of it it seemed an impossible task, but then she suddenly had a brainwave! Phone Cliff Richard! He used to have to deal with The Shadows before managing to get rid of them and setting off on his own road to solo stardom! And he possesses more street cred than Dannii did so he might be able to help her with that side of things too. It was a brilliant plan and, as she bounced over to the nearest phonebox to make a call, she resolved then and there that she would never need to use her sister's name to achieve anything ever again

"Hello, operator? Put me through to Cliff Richard in England, please"

"That's a long distance call", crackled the voice at the other end of the line, "How are you planning on paying for it?"

Dannii thought about the rather large unpaid credit card bill which was lurking in her To Do pile, "Uhh, can you charge it to my sister's account please? That's Kylie Minogue, K-Y-L..."

* * * * *
Cliff Richard was busy playing tennis with a young lad who was wanting to make it in the music industry. This, we should stress, isn't a euphemism for anything and we have no wish to indulge in idle and libelous speculation about Cliff's sexuality. All they were doing were playing tennis in the normal, Wimbledon approved fashion and the only reason they were playing it as naked as the day they were born was because it was very hot and Cliff didn't want them to get their tennis whites all sweaty and dirty.

The young lad collapsed, tired. "New balls, please", cried Cliff as he wiped himself down with a towel, "This one's all used up". Before a flunky could deal with this request, a butler came up to Cliff with a telephone upon a silver platter. "It's for you, sir", he drawled in a typical butler's accent, "A young lady from the colonies" - the disgust in his voice was audible - "She says she wants some advice about shadows".

"The Shadows?", said Cliff, questioningly, "Those bastards? Oh well, let me speak to her". He picked up the phone and put it to his ear. "Hello?"

"Hi!", answered Dannii, excitedly, back in Australia, "I'm Dannii Minogue". There was a pause at Dannii's end of the conversation. "Yes, that's right", she said, tersely, "Kylie's sister. I'm just wanting to know how to get rid of a shadow which looms large over your career, colouring everything you say and do with darkness".

"Fuck knows", said Cliff, characteristically foul mouthed, "I got rid of mine by letting them have a number one single by themselves, then they couldn't wait to bugger off and do their own thing. Maybe you should let your shadow have one as well."

Dannii thought about the vast pantheon of number ones and top ten hits which made up Kylie's chart contribution and compared it with her own, somewhat more paltry selection. "Uh, I'm not sure that's such a good idea", she said, hesitantly.

"Oh well, I'm out of options then", said Cliff, eager to get back to his tennis, "Just hope she gets ill or something like that, then, then you'll be able to step in and take on her mantle. Bye!"

"But, but...", stammered Dannii, but the line was dead, Cliff had gone, returned to his in no way unusual game of naked tennis.

* * * * *
Of course, Dannii would never wish ill health upon her sister, but if such a thing was to happen then she'd be a fool not to take advantage of it, or at least her record company certainly would be, and so it was that when a malaise struck Kylie, Dannii found herself doing the chat show circuits promoting her latest single in which she wasn't just a frontperson for a bit of otherwise faceless dance. No, definitely not. As she prepared to go out to meet her first interviewer she allowed herself a little smile and enjoyed for a moment the light which enveloped her, such a change from the darkness she'd been used to. Now was her chance to shine, a chance to show the world that she was the Minogue they'd all been waiting for, the one they would truly love. Never again would she ever hear the name Kylie uttered in her presence, she was the star now, and she was going to make the most of her moment...

The theme tune finished, the introduction was made and Dannii stepped out to a warm round of applause from the audience. She settled down on the sofa, greeted the host and waited for her first question. "So, Dannii", he smiled, "We're glad you're here as there's a question we're all dying to know the answer to". Dannii grinned inwardly and wondered what she was about to be asked, maybe it was about her musical influences, perhaps it was for her insight into world politics, maybe it was just to ask why she had a boy's name. Whatever the question was, she could care less, just as long as it was about her. "What we've all been wondering", continued the host, "Is how is your sister, Kylie, doing in hospital. We've all been very worried about her, haven't we audience?"

Dannii screamed silently as a black cloud came from nowhere and her sister's shadow once again enveloped her. As she struggled to stamp her own personality on the interview all she could hear was what sounded like the mocking laughter of the audience and the distinctive voice of her sister rhythmically intoning, "you'll never escape, you'll never escape, you'll never escape..."

Hmmm. Publishers are confident that it'll sell reasonably well, though not as well as her sister's book, obviously

music dannii minogue

It's Monday! And available today in all good record shops is Girls Aloud's new single Whole Lotta History. Yes, we know it's not Models which everyone knows should have been the next single, and yes, we know it's a pop ballad so not exactly a path we like seeing the Girls go down, but the B-side does feature their Nicola starring cover of Teenage Dirtbag which is, lest we forget, one of the greatest moments in live music, ever, so it's worth buying for that. Later this week we'll be bringing you full details of the forthcoming Girls Aloud School, soon to be opening under the City Acadamies scheme, and an exclusive preview of Dannii Minogue's children's book, but before all that, let's see what we learnt from this week's Top of the Pops:-

• Fearne was away this week, presumably still recovering from having to work alongside Chico on Top of the Pops: Reloaded, so Reggie Yates took on main presenting duties. He was joined by a living car crash in the form of Cyndi Lauper, who just wanted to have fun, be entirely random, and spend most of the show looking off camera, searching for a reason why she was there.
  
• The endorphin rush of sassy joy which is Sugababes' Red Dress only got to number three, which is as disappointing as opening a box of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes to find only regular cornflakes inside. Cooler than a red dress they may be, but it seems they're not as popular with the single buying public as the credless Chico.
  
• According to Cyndi, the Zutones were up next. Abi Harding, as we've said before, still has the best legs in pop. Annoyingly, despite having dismissed The Zutons as a bunch of irritating Scousers with all the musical talent of Stan Boardman, we do quite like the new single, Why Won't You Give Me Your Love. We think, however, that it's only because the West Side Story aping video is quite good and they've tricked us.
  
• It's a testament to the dullness of Corrine Bailey Rae, number 5 in the charts with Put Your Records On, that the most interesting fact the TotP researchers could find to flash up during her performance was that she's been married to her husband for four years and they're looking forward to buying their first house together.
  
• Placebo are back! And if you're wondering what new single Because I Want You sounds like then just imagine any other Placebo song you've heard, as it basically sounds a bit like that.
  
• Only not as good.
  
• RETRO: Vanilla Ice doing Ice Ice Baby. Vanilla was rocking the rarely seen 'Hair as Hat' look.
  
• The Fallen, Franz Ferdinand's new single, was written after lead singer Nicky Campbell dealt with a case involving old people, broken hips, spillages and supermarkets on the last series of Watchdog, the popular consumer rights show.
  
• On the downside Fucking Chico is still number one. But on the upside, it's not Fucking Orson.

music tv totp

So, Chico has released his debut single and it's awful - yeah, like there was any chance it'd be anything but - yet despite this people seem to be buying it in the sort of numbers normally reserved for something, well, good and it's happily ensconced at the top spot, looking down on every other release like an incredibly odious giraffe. Clearly, and for reasons we can't even begin to understand, this means that you lot must like it and here at Talent in a Previous Life we're dedicated to bringing to the internet exactly what our readers want. So for that reason - and because Smash Hits isn't around to do this any more - we proudly present the lyrics to his smash hit so that you can sing along to it in the comfort of your own homes. Enjoy:-

What time is it?
What time is it?
Sometimes it sounds so bad, we can't remember good
A fecal bomb is ticking and it puts us off our food
It's regressive, transgressive, depressive, that we know
Like a punch in the face it'll take you to a place that you didn't want to go

(Get lost) So your single's out
(Get lost) Makes us scream and shout
You must surely be out your mind, everybody say "What time is it?"

Amateur hour
You just can't be serious, your act is just so tedious
We should strike you with a poker, 'cause you're far too mediocre
Amateur hour

We can't believe this song, everything is so wrong
Watching you perform like there's no brainwaves going on
We hate it, can't rate it, just berate it, can't you see
Your fifteen minutes were used up by X Factor: Show 3

(Get lost) Can we hang you please?
(Get lost) You've brought pop to it's knees
Go and join the job centre line, everybody say "What time is it?"

Amateur hour
It's like a red rag to the head bull, your song is just so fucking dreadful
We should be warned when'er you're playing, 'cause you're so excruciating
Amateur hour

Go, Chico. Go, Chico. Go. No really, fuck off.

Quite.

music chico

We went to see My Latest Novel play last night and they were ace! All lovely and gorgeous tunes with the added bonus that the violinist looks a lot like Nicola Roberts. To celebrate this, and because little else has provided inspiration this week, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about books, writers, and literary allusions related to pop music:-

1. Students who have Wuthering Heights as one of their set texts can just learn the lyrics to the Kate Bush song and get the general gist. Students who have Romeo and Juliet to plough through are advised that doing the same with Dire Straits isn't quite as helpful. And also involves listening to Dire Straits.
   
2. Some pop stars dream one day of writing a book, others dream of reading one, while for Victoria Beckham a book is nothing more than the sound a chicken makes.
   
3. When popstars do turn towards a literary bent, they tend to release children's books. Generally this is a decision made by the publishing house after reading the manuscript, not by the pop star while writing it.
   
4. Louise Wener, frontwoman of Sleeper has written a couple of books. If you ignore the fact that she can't really do plot, characterisation, dialogue or descriptive writing, they're not without their charms.
   
5. Indie bands! There really is nothing cooler and more anti-establishment than referencing A Clockwork Orange. No-one has ever done it before so everyone will be totally shocked and impressed.
   
6. Lee from Blue one day hopes to write a book. Well, he's going to get someone else to write it while he stands next to him and pretends he's doing the typing.
   
7. Steps' Step One was a concept album based around the work of Jules Verne. An off cut from these sessions, inspired by 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, later turned up under the name of A Deeper Shade of Blue.
   
8. Famous pop star authors include Madonna, Jewel and The Crazy World of Author Brown.
   
9. Richey James from the Manic Street Preachers never read a book in his life and only learned a few names to impress chicks.
   
10. We reckon these are going to be worth a read.

music books

Even going to confession won't save your soul from eternal damnation if you've bought this single

So, you're Usher. And, despite having the face of a 12 year old boy combined with the body of someone who goes to the gym every night and believes that this over the top commitment to the body beautiful somehow means that they have a life, you're a bit popular with the ladies. You may have a regular girlfriend, but hey, you're on the road a lot and a man has needs - although if you are Usher these needs mainly seem to revolve around being unable to keep your shirt on for longer than the intro of which ever lame piece of pseudo-street R&B you're forcing us to endure this time - and, with all the temptations of groupies and whatnot, you may slip-up and do something you regret. It's not big, it's not clever, but it is, perhaps, understandable and, with a bit of counseling and honesty, it's likely you can sort things out with your true love and get on with the making of - as Usher undoubtedly calls it - the Jiggy Jiggy.

Of course, if you actually are Usher, it seems quite likely that you have the brain of a pea and such thoughts won't occur to you. Instead you'll decide that, having got what you endearingly refer to as "your chick on the side" pregnant, you decide to 'fess up to your girlfriend not by having a private conversation about the whole sorry affair, not by writing her a letter, pouring out your heart and soul to her, apologising for your mistake and generally throwing yourself on her mercy, and not even by getting horrendously drunk, buying her a cheap bunch of flowers and a box of Matchmakers from your local garage and standing outside her flat at two in the morning slurring plaintive declarations of love mixed with occasional demands for her to unlock the door as it's freezing out here. No, instead you decide to write a desperately poor confessional song about the whole affair which has all the passion and emotion of an uncooked box of microchips and release it as a single so that as many people in the world can find out what went on, just to make sure that a) you get an image as some sort of vague bad boy in the music world, b) her humiliation is complete and total, and that no amount of foundation will be able to cover the red flush of embarrassment and anger which will form on her features and c) sell a few records in the process, making yourself a few more pennies, which should at least mean you'll be able to support the poor kid you've sired thanks to an inability to either keep it in your pants or keep it out of your pants long enough to put a condom on it. And! And! As if that wasn't enough, just to hammer home the point that the only person Usher truely cares about is Usher, you have the cheek to include the lyric "This ain't about my career" in a song clearly designed to boost it.

What a twat! What an absolute self-obsessed, horrible, idiotic and inconsiderate twat!

music usher

It's Monday! And if you cast your mind back to last year, you may remember that we suggested that Bloke, or a teen girl guitar band of their ilk, should really think about covering The Primitives' Crash as it would be something very ace indeed. Well! Teen girl guitar band Love Bites have done that very thing on the B-Side of latest single, He's Fit and, umm, unfortunately we were wrong and it's a bit rubbish actually, if the truth be told. Boo, hiss, etc. Don't worry, though! The other B-side, Sweets, is as ace as the concept of a teen girl guitar band covering The Primitives' Crash really should be, so it all works out in the end. Somehow. Never mind that, though. Here's what we learnt from this week's Top of the Pops:-

• To celebrate appearing on Top of the Pops to perform Touch the Sky, Kanye West apparently decided to borrow his stage wear from the wardrobe of Bill Cosby.
  
• He also claimed to be "looking extra fly". This statement is only true if the fly he has in mind is of the 'fishing' variety.
  
• Orson's No Tomorrow is the sound of people who hate music and want everyone else to hate music too.
  
• RETRO: Sister Sledge doing Frankie. The last time someone did Frankie, she swiftly released the follow up novelty cash in record, Fuck You Right Back.
  
• The Feeling are in the top ten with Sewn. Yeah, because the world really does need another Athlete, doesn't it?
  
• This pop lark must not pay as well as you might think as Shakira, despite being at number 9 with Don't Bother, is still forced to appear on Top of the Pops in a holey t-shirt.
  
• Though given she's something of a Goddess, it's kinda appropriate.
  
• According to Fearne Cotton, Graham Coxon, at 20 with Standing on My Own Again, is a legend. We prepare to think of him as a myth, as he's certainly more myth than hit.
  
• The Pussycat Dolls' Beep would probably be a better song if the beeped out the entirety of the incredibly dull verses instead of just a few random words in the rather catchy chorus.
  
• Chico is at number one with It's Chico Time. What time is it? Time for the cyanide pills.

music tv totp

If you're of a Catholic bent - and we realise that those two things tend to go together like talent and Chico - then today marks the start of Lent a time in which people give up something which means a lot to them for 40 days to commemorate the time Jesus spent in the desert trying to give up smoking. Something like that, anyway. But to celelebrate, here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about what popstars get up to during this time of self denial:-

1. Kylie Minogue is addicted to the idea of Lent and even continues with her sacrifice well after Good Friday. She just can't stop giving it up.
   
2. The Catholic Church discourages people from listening to S Club 7 records during Lent as they feel they're a bad influence. A top cardinal lashed out at Bring it All Back, saying "How dare these 7 perky youngsters tell our children to 'Don't Stop' and 'Never give up'. This clearly goes against all the teachings of the Church", before going on to claim that the "Let the world see what you have got" line condoned walking the streets naked.
   
3. Followers of the Catholic Church generally use Lent to give up things which are considered as vices: alcohol, smoking, chocolate, etc. Followers of the Charlotte Church instead prefer to give up anything which could be in any way considered healthy: fruit, vegetables, vitamins, sunlight, etc.
   
4. Many hosts and MC's encourage you take part in Lent for their own benefit, rather than Jesus' as they cry "Give it up for..." when they introduce the act.
   
5. Many female popstars are so keen on Lent that they happily give up eating for long periods at various points throughout the year, only stopping when physically forced to by highly trained medical staff at the nearest eating disorder clinic.
   
6. Pete Doherty will be giving up the drugs for Lent and... Ah, never mind.
   
7. Michael Jackson loves Lent as well, but he always makes sure that he binges on whatever he's chosen to give up on before Ash Wednesday arrives. He won't stop 'til he gets enough.
   
8. Ash firmly believe that the fact that Ash Wednesday marks the start of Lent, providing inspiration for people searching around for something to give up, is the reason for their sales not being as high as they used to be and that it has nothing at all to do with the fact their last album was all rubbish and rocky and that Charlotte was keeping all her good songs for herself.
   
9. Meatloaf refuses to take part in Lent. He would do anything for Jesus, but he won't do that.
   
10. Despite It's a Sin giving off the impression that Pet Shop Boy Neil Tennant isn't overly fond of the Catholic religion, in actual fact Lent is always on his mind, with Ash Wednesday being marked on his calendar as a red letter day and he always puts his heart into it, although he wouldn't normally do that kind of thing, he finds it a real liberation. He had a bad time in 1986 when, left to his own devices, he nearly found himself buying an apiary despite promising to give up bee-keeping for Lent. "It was so hard", he later explained, "But I saw the opportunity to make lots of honey and I couldn't resist". Fortunately for Neil's eternal soul, his then boyfriend had already phoned up the Bee's Needs Equipment Emporium and had told the proprietor not to sell a single thing to Neil until Easter was well and truly over, leading Neil to be met with an apologetic shop assistant telling him "I know what you want but I can't give it any more". Neil was angry at first, but the next day, when he was no longer mad, he released what a beautiful thing his partner had done for him and so wrote a song in his honour, with the chorus "I love you, you saved my Lent". Once it was all over and he was home and dry, realising that it was a miracle he'd gotten through it, he wondered whether it was worth it, whether a month of being boring had done him any good whatsoever. In the end he decided that yes, yes it was, as he felt absolutely fabulous by the end of it.
    

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