Monday, June 30, 2003
(Bra) Come Undone
Anyway, the point of this, is that he told me that a number of girls, of whom only the epithet ‘classy’ can be applied, took advantage of the occasion to take their tops off and flash their boobs, this was captured by the no doubt sweaty and salivating cameraman and projected onto the big screens. As far as I can tell, the only result of this was to double the number of tits that the audience could see.
Sunday, June 29, 2003
Knobby Williams
So why my dislike for him? I used to think it was down to his unbearable smugness, but I’ve now realised that it’s not that. It’s the fact that he’s got absolutely nothing to be so smug about. If anything, he should be ashamed with the amount of money he’s managed to acquire given the mediocrity of his talent, but yet people fail to see this. People talk about the fact he’s a cheeky chappy, that he’s a loveable rogue, a great entertainer. And then, as if they weren’t embarrassed enough by the stupidity of what they just said, they go on to say “Ah, but you’ve go to give him Angels, that’s a beautiful song”.
Let’s just focus on that sentence shall we. “Angels, that’s a beautiful song”. The only way that that sentence could ever make sense, is if the words “Only an idiot would say” are put in front of it. Angels is a terrible song, for a start it’s a pop ballad. And pop ballads are the worst sort of music ever. They never speak of what love and heartache is all about, they offer a piss-weak idea of emotions and are so bland and desireless it’s hard to see why they continue to sell in large amounts. Unless it’s because of their bland and emotionless nature, the public are notoriously dull when it comes to their tastes. Musically it’s simplistic, lyrically it’s so trite to be unbelievable. It has no redeeming features whatsoever, and, the minute I am in charge of this country anyone that expresses any sort of positive vibes towards this song will be shot.
And what’s worse is that he doesn’t even bother singing it live! He just turns his microphone towards the audience and lets a tuneless mob destroy what little feeling may have been hidden somewhere deep at the heart of the song. How lazy is that?! After spending a no doubt ridiculous amount of money on the tickets, the crowd shouldn’t be expected to do Robbie’s work for him while he has a quick break and pretends he’s actually some sort of musical god.
Please go away Robbie, and take your “Ooh, it’s so hard being me, oh, but I’m dead great me, but seriously, it’s tough playing the joker all the time, but I love it really, oh and I might be gay” dichotomy with you. Realise that we just don’t care and that people are only buying you out of force of habit. The twats.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
Three Horse Race
Well, two horses and one gerbil-faced girl. Yes, we are, of course, talking this weeks Big Brother eviction, and the words 'foregone' and 'conclusion' have never been so appropriate, except possibly in the great "Can Rik Waller walk straight past a pie shop without even giving it a passing glance?" debate. So lets all wave bye-bye to Tania, which is a shame as, while she is a shallow self-obsessed person, she does at least provide something to hate, which is my main reason for watching the programme. But, alas, no-one is likely to bother going to the effort of hating Steph, who is my personal choice for eviction this week. She is dull and mumsy, which is a bad thing. Nush, while also being dull, has the advantage of being cute. Which is definitely a plus point now that the lovely Sissy has left the house and my eye-candy has been removed.
So vote out Steph. Personally I'm not going to bother as I have better things to waste my money on that an ultimately pointless phone-call, but if anyone that reads this does then I guarantee that your karma balance will increase by 2 points. And your bank balance will decrease by 25p.
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Chart Attack
10. Christina Aguilera - Fighter // In which Christina says that it doesn't matter what you say about her because it all it does is make her stronger, which is of course a completely different lyrical theme from her last single, where she told us all that it doesn't matter what you say about her because she's beautiful inside. Previous to this, she informed us that she was dirty. As a result of this insight into her thoughts, I’m beginning to think that she believes she's a cactus with a diamond ring entwined in her roots. Which can only be a good thing.
9. XTM & DJ Chucky Pts Annia - Fly on the Wings of Love // Not heard this, but judging by the name of the artist, I'm sure it’s about as good as discovering that you’ve had the wrong leg amputated by mistake and the person in the bed next to you isn't even slightly interested in purchasing your slippers.
8. Busta Rhymes and Maria Carey - I Know What You Want // No you don't, because on even the biggest list possible of all the things that every single person in the world wants, a desire for a Maria Carey and Busta Rhymes collaboration doesn’t even warrant a mention, even though a Men Without Hats reunion features very highly, as does "Having both my ears removed by a rusty saw if I ever have to hear that bloody song again".
7. Ashanti - Rock Wit You (Awww Baby) // Remember, spelling counts. D Minus.
6. Jennifer Ellison - Baby, I Don’t Care // And, fortunately, neither do the record buying public. Please take your highly treated vocals and pseudo-sexiness elsewhere. For example Wendy James' bedsit. Or the bottom of a very deep lake, where you might at least get a wash.
5. Wayne Wonder - No Letting Go // I keep hearing this and forgetting what it sounds like almost instantly. Ah well. I'm sure it's slickly produced. I certainly skidded straight past it.
4. Delta Goodrem - Lost Without You // I haven’t actually heard this song yet, but as she's both Australian and from Neighbours, I'm going to assume it sounds pretty much identical to Stefan Dennis' Don’t It Make You Feel Good, and is therefore one of the top seventeen fantastic things of all time, ever.
3. R Kelly - Ignition Remix // When someone British with the surname Kelly is accused of paedophilia, we immediately assume they're guilty, mainly because certain tabloid newspapers imply as much. But when it's a cool, bling-blinging American that gets accused we immediately rush out and buy his records in bizarrely large amounts. This song is, at best, mildly OK, and, no matter what the outcome of his court case is, we must remember that he has already committed two heinous crimes, by keeping both S Club and Girls Aloud off of the top spot. Lets hope he’s not still around when S Club 8 release their single.
2. Fast Food Rockers - Fast Food Song // Oh for fucks sake.
1. Evanescence - Bring Me Back To Life // Having a heaving bosom in a diaphanous nightdress does not mean you can have a number one single. It means you can take the lead role in a BBC period drama. Now go! And take your Linkin Park with a Girl Singing nonsense with you as well.
Sunday, June 22, 2003
Why Does the Flum Whine?
Some people feel that the internet is a forum for the free exchange of thoughts and ideas, leading to a greater level of communication between different cultures, causing a vast improvement in international relations and the eventual creation of a new world order. We, on the other hand, consider it to be useful as an ego-trip and a chance to force our ill-thought out opinions on to others, which is exactly what we'll be doing. Talent in a Previous Life promises to provide no useful content, no unique points of interest and no dull minutae of the writers life. Instead we'll offer poor quality jokes about pop bands, flights of fancy that the generous might describe as surreal, the honest as laboured and, in addition to that, we'll attempt to prick the pomposity of modern public figures using only our wit, which is guaranteed to be at least as sharp as a sphere.
In other words TiaPL will offer much the same sort of content as every other half-arsed person who thinks they're funny enough to write a website. But the difference is that we know we're rubbish, and we've been doing this sort of thing since 1996 so we have experience in being rubbish. Which is the sort of thing that money can't buy. Except that money can buy us, we're very cheap and will happily promote whatever you like for cash. Please e-mail us if you want us to prostrate ourselves for your needs.
