Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Chart Attack
10. Christina Aguilera - Fighter // In which Christina says that it doesn't matter what you say about her because it all it does is make her stronger, which is of course a completely different lyrical theme from her last single, where she told us all that it doesn't matter what you say about her because she's beautiful inside. Previous to this, she informed us that she was dirty. As a result of this insight into her thoughts, I’m beginning to think that she believes she's a cactus with a diamond ring entwined in her roots. Which can only be a good thing.
9. XTM & DJ Chucky Pts Annia - Fly on the Wings of Love // Not heard this, but judging by the name of the artist, I'm sure it’s about as good as discovering that you’ve had the wrong leg amputated by mistake and the person in the bed next to you isn't even slightly interested in purchasing your slippers.
8. Busta Rhymes and Maria Carey - I Know What You Want // No you don't, because on even the biggest list possible of all the things that every single person in the world wants, a desire for a Maria Carey and Busta Rhymes collaboration doesn’t even warrant a mention, even though a Men Without Hats reunion features very highly, as does "Having both my ears removed by a rusty saw if I ever have to hear that bloody song again".
7. Ashanti - Rock Wit You (Awww Baby) // Remember, spelling counts. D Minus.
6. Jennifer Ellison - Baby, I Don’t Care // And, fortunately, neither do the record buying public. Please take your highly treated vocals and pseudo-sexiness elsewhere. For example Wendy James' bedsit. Or the bottom of a very deep lake, where you might at least get a wash.
5. Wayne Wonder - No Letting Go // I keep hearing this and forgetting what it sounds like almost instantly. Ah well. I'm sure it's slickly produced. I certainly skidded straight past it.
4. Delta Goodrem - Lost Without You // I haven’t actually heard this song yet, but as she's both Australian and from Neighbours, I'm going to assume it sounds pretty much identical to Stefan Dennis' Don’t It Make You Feel Good, and is therefore one of the top seventeen fantastic things of all time, ever.
3. R Kelly - Ignition Remix // When someone British with the surname Kelly is accused of paedophilia, we immediately assume they're guilty, mainly because certain tabloid newspapers imply as much. But when it's a cool, bling-blinging American that gets accused we immediately rush out and buy his records in bizarrely large amounts. This song is, at best, mildly OK, and, no matter what the outcome of his court case is, we must remember that he has already committed two heinous crimes, by keeping both S Club and Girls Aloud off of the top spot. Lets hope he’s not still around when S Club 8 release their single.
2. Fast Food Rockers - Fast Food Song // Oh for fucks sake.
1. Evanescence - Bring Me Back To Life // Having a heaving bosom in a diaphanous nightdress does not mean you can have a number one single. It means you can take the lead role in a BBC period drama. Now go! And take your Linkin Park with a Girl Singing nonsense with you as well.
