Monday, November 10, 2003
Wholly Good
We won't be going to see the Matrix movie, mainly as we saw the first one, quite liked it, but have since decided it's an over-hyped load of nonsense, made only vaguely palatable by some decent effects, but let down by it's pointless cod-philosophy in an attempt to add some depth to what was essientally an excuse for Keanu Reeves to look pretty while things blew up. However, we would be tempted to see it if any of the following things happen it:-
If any of these are in the film then please let us know and we'll hotfoot it down to our local multiplex faster than an athlete on an as yet untestable steroid.
- Neo finds himself confronted by the horror of the Blue Screen of Death
- In a Freaky Friday/ Vice Versa homage, Neo and Morpheus swap bodies and hilarity ensues.
- At any sign of trouble, Neo jumps into Trinity's arms, starts whimpering like a little girl and asking her to "Make the bad men go away".
- At the very end Porky Pig bursts through the screen and informs us that "Th-th-th-that's All Folks!"
- At least one scene set in an Italian restaurant.
- Josie and the Pussycats appear and perform an impromptu set.
- When Morpheus starts spouting his pseudo-philosophical claptrap, one of the characters sighs, rolls his eyes and says "Tsk, pissed again"
- To save money, one of the fight scenes is actually footage from TV's Robot Wars leading to the audience becoming confused as to exactly why Craig Charles has a cameo.
- The entire film is simply Morpheus, Trinity and Neo staring at the audience with a look of disgust on their faces.
- The role of Trinity is played by a Alex Parks from Fame Academy.
- To counteract the 'Bullet time' scenes, at least two scenes are carried out in a speeded up Benny Hill stylee. With appropriate music.
- Alex Winters turns up in a time-travelling phone booth.
- Neo's dad turns out to be Darth Vader.
- Neo turns into a badger
If any of these are in the film then please let us know and we'll hotfoot it down to our local multiplex faster than an athlete on an as yet untestable steroid.
