Friday, September 19, 2003
Hi, I'm Mark-Paul Gosselaar, you may remember me playing Zack in the ground-breaking television programme Saved by the Bell, the epoch-defining Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style, or perhaps from the earth-shattering Saved by the Bell: The College Years. It's possible that you might remember me as Cooper Frederickson from the 1998 film Dead Man on Campus, but, I'll be honest, there's more chance of you recognising me in my role-defining performance as Zack Morris in Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas. But I'm not here today to try and boost my profile (though I should point out that I am available for work), I'm here to speak to you about a matter that's close to my heart. Charity.
Tell me. What's £2 to you? To me it's 1.5 hours wages at the McDonald's where I work, but imagine you're a starving African man. All you want is something to eat. £2 could buy you a fish, if only you had that gold and silver coinage. But even better than that would be a fishing rod so that you could catch your own fish. Picture that image in your head, a hungry, starving man, perhaps with a small tear rolling down his face at the inhumanity of the modern world. It's not a nice image is it? Well, don't worry about it as I now want you to forget that image. The Oxfam adverts happily tell you that he doesn't want a handout, he just wants a chance to fend for himself, so keep your two quid to yourself for now, don't patronise him. And besides £2 is going to get the starving old man a pretty shitty fishing rod, basically a stick with a bit of string tied to it which is hardly going to help matters. I wouldn't be surprised if you handed it to him and he was so disgusted by this pathetic act of so-called generosity that he beat you around the head with it, showing surprising strength, despite his apparently frail arms. And you know what? He'd be quite right to do so. Imagine offering a starving Afeican man a stick and expecting him to be greatful. What a heartless scumbag you are.
Ahem. Anyway... don't wander off jingling your change quite happily just yet. I'm not done with your money. While £2 clearly isn't enough to buy happiness for a hunger-ridden father, it is enough to make one person happy. I want to introduce you to a young lady, lets call her Siobhan. Siobhan used to be part of a family, where she was treated badly because she was prettier, a better singer and had the loveliest hair the world has ever seen. Like many people in such awful situations, Siobhan escaped and headed towards the bright lights and glamour of London Records, where she believed the streets were paved with gold discs. And for a while her life did seem better, she was allowed to do her own thing and entered the top 20 once again, but soon the grey reality hit her and the sparkle faded. Now she finds herself stuck on the outskirts of the top 40, unable to attract a chart position worthy of her talent, wondering what happened to the better life that she once dreamed of, wondering why society, and in particular the record buying public part of it has forsaken her so.
You can help Siobhan. She doesn't want your sympathy. She just wants you to go to your local chart-return store and buy a copy of her new single Twist of Fate. It's not too much to ask. Just £2 will buy you a copy of CD 1, featuring an exclusive b-side and the Twist of Fate video. £4 will let you buy CD2 as well, featuring another exclusive b-side and an acoustic performance of Overrated. Please. Help us help Siobhan and help prevent her wearing a frown constantly, even when she's not looking moody for the camera. If you can't afford two pounds, she'll will happily accept a donation of eye-shadow, which she'll fall upon like a lion on a gazelle in a bid to feed her addiction. Remember, if you don't help Siobhan now, who'll be there to pick up the pieces when it happens to Heidi?
Thanks for listening, I've been Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Look out for my new TV Series where I finally break out of my typecasted strait-jacket. It's called Saved by the Bell: Class Reunion. I play an older Zack Morris, who returns to Bayview to meet up with my old friends, Slater, Kelly and Screech, and who knows, perhaps Mr Belding will make an appearance, it'll be a fun, zany comedy but with a bit of a moral message in each episode, but it'll be subtle, you'd never know it's there. In the first episode, Screech tries to learn magic, but he's not very good at it, even though he thinks he is and... Hey! Wait, come back... Don't run away from me... please love me