Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Mercury Music Live
8.59: Hello and welcome to our live coverage of the Mercury Music Prize! Exciting stuff we're sure you'll agree. The bookies certainly do, although their interest has shifted from taking bets on whose going to win the prize to exactly how sozzled Amy Winehouse will be and exactly how many wineglasses she'll smash when she collapses in a spectacular heap over her table.
9.01: Jamie T reckons that "Everyone's a winner". Jamie obviously went to one of those special schools that don't believe in competition and gave everyone a prize for competing in the egg and spoon race, no matter whether their egg ended up smashed into the ground or not.
9.02: Jools Holland and Jo Whiley are hosting. It might only be ninety minutes but it's going to be a long night.
9.03: Opening the show are "The truly fabulous View", according to the lying Jo Whiley. If their album wins then you might as well give the prize to an indie anthems compilation album, such is the nature of their work. Even calling it derivative would be kind given that they so blatantly rip off the work of other bands, but without even managing to give their hooks the justice they deserve.
9.07: "A fantastic start to the evening, we've just enjoyed The View", announced Jools, from atop the stage, proving that lying isn't confined to Jo.
9.08: A run down of the nominated albums, along with some spectacularly trite observations from Jo follows. The audience, consisting mainly of record industry types who have an eye on the bottom line and little else, are encouraged to make some noise where they deem it necessary. If this has any baring on the result, Amy Winehouse or Jamie T are likely to claim the prize.
9.11: Maps doing It Will Find You. We have yet to investigate Maps properly yet, which may explain why we spend a large part of our life getting lost. Arf, etc. We like what we've heard, but there's about as much chance of this winning as there is of Maps blokey turning up in the Heat Spotted section.
9.15: They have let him come up on stage, however, to get his award for his nomination. Bless.
9.16: It's Jamie T. Lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhn-daaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhn!
9.17: Oh well, he's not doing that one, plumpuing for Salvador instead. Which is perhaps just as well, given his current fondness for ruining Sheila whenever he performs it live these days. Jamie's probably in with a shout, and we should consider ourselves thankful that the shortlist came out when it did. Had they waited a month or so later then his slot would likely have been taken by Kate Nash. Shudder.
9.19: Jamie gives a speech when he receives his nomination award. Thanking the fans who had no input in his nomination whatsoever.
9.20: It's New Young Pony Club, who are still our tip for the prize, despite the bookies and, indeed, the public's lack of enthusiasm for them. And their belief that they can carve out a career simply by releasing Ice Cream over and over again. Here they show a bit of variety by doing The Bomb instead, with some slightly poor vocals. Presumably they think this is going out on a commercial network and Ice Cream'll turn up soundtracking half the adverts in the break anyway.
9.22: But she does have good hair. Not that the watching industry types look too impressed. The main thought thst appears to be crossing their minds is "Hmm, I wonder what's for desert?"
9.23: Ice Cream? No, please yourselves then.
9.24: Jo is joined by Charles Hazlewood, who does conducting, apparently, and is one of the judges, and Adrian Edmondson, who is there for no reason whatsoever, particularly as his appearance on Celebrity Fame Academy clearly makes him ineligible to have any opinion on music whatsoever.
9.26: Fortunately he doesn't get to say a lot as Jo is more interested in getting the inside skinny from the judge. "We haven't made any decisions yet". Hooray for insightful journalism!
9.27: Just like this. Ahem.
9.28: Ade wants to perform with either Young Knives or Bat for Lashes. We are finding out these exciting nuggets of information as Jo desperately fills by asking the first questions that come into her head, no matter how inane or dull.
9.29: The new Young Knives single sounds like Carter: The Unstoppable Sex Machine, the one they're performing her, The Decision, sounds like British Sea Power performed by people who don't really like British Sea Power that much.
9.31: If the judges have a desperate urge to appear quirky they might go for this, but it seems more likely they'll want the watching world to consider them a group of people who can actually get girl/boyfriends.
9.33: Bat for Lashes, who is lazily described by journalists as a cross between Kate Bush and Bjork, mainly because she sounds like a cross between Kate Bush and Bjork, is the sort of artist it's easier to admire than love. We saw her do a gig earlier this year and, while we appreciated it, we're not sure we actually enjoyed it that much.
9.35: She's dressed like a peacock. It's hard to know how such a blatant display of tail prowess will affect the judges decisions.
9.36: She's probably got a good chance, as it is a good album. Just not one that you'd actually want to listen to very often.
9.37: The Arctic Monkeys are speaking from Tokyo. They are being Northern. The crazy, one trick, pointless wags.
9.38: As they can't be there to perform, rather than blessing us with not seeing them do a track, we get Teddy Picker from their Glastonbury set. Apparently the sound was so awful at the festival that only those right down the front could actually hear them. We doubt the rest of the audience realised how lucky they were.
9.40: And surely any song that references Duran Duran's Save a Prayer which isn't actually Save a Prayer is awful by definition?
9.41: Ffion Regan is up next. Until now we thought he was a girl. This is why we should bother our arse and actually do some research.
9.42: It's pleasant enough. If you like being bored to tears by acoustic guitar dullness, that is.
9.43: His hair is providing some entertainment, looking much like the Winehouse's would if she was too lazy to actually put it up. A male version of Amy's do... Would that be a He-hive then?
9.45: Seriously! It's like he's got a loaf of bread on his head!
9.45: He thanked them for providing him with a drawbridge. The award is small, he must have a tiny moat.
9.46: Jo is with The Young Knives and Natasha Bat for Lashes. There's always a good reason why musicians sing and play rather than speak.
9.48: One of Young Knives is debunking the celebrity experience. This would be more interesting if it was coming from someone who had actually experienced the celebrity experience.
9.49: Nat reckons that Ffion was really brave for going on stage with just a guitar. She must have a high cowardness threshold.
9.50: Dizzee Rascal is doing Flex with a badly moustachioed horn section. Of course, calling it a badly moustachioed horn section implies there's such a thing as a well moustachioed horn section
9.51: There isn't, of course.
9.52: Could Dizzee do the double? Probably not, but the Mercury organisers do like to make a vague nod towards being street each year and the Lethal Bizzle album came out to late to be included. It's a shame that his inclusion does smack of tokenism, though, as the album is ace. Even the track with Lily Allen on. We know! What are the chances!
9.53: Although for some reason tracks that involve Lily Allen are always better than those by Lily Allen. Probably her lack of creative input.
9.54: But we digress, Lily wasn't nominated. Thankfully.
9.55: It's Amy! And she's actually performing! Or fiddling with her micstand at least.
9.55: And looking slightly terrified. Unsurprisingly.
9.56: Although it's hard to tell as she's so emaciated she's practically hidden by the stand.
9.57: But she's performing Love is a Losing Game with a delicate touch and a voice that reminds you why she sold records before she became a car-crash.
9.57: The room is so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Or a popstar collapse.
9.58: She did seem unsure what to do after she was given her award though.
9.59: Basquiat Strings. Jazz. Urgh. More impressive hair though. We thought these awards were sponspored by Nationwide these days, not V05.
10.01: It's still going on.
10.02: And on.
10.03: Finally!
10.04: We love the Klaxons more in principle than in practice, but Golden Skans is still all kinds of aceness. And you have to admire anyone who'll go on telly dressed like they're on their way to a Star Trek convention but who can't afford to buy official replica uniforms and have had to make their own versions using their mums' old dresses.
10.05: We bet they'll be hopping mad if they don't win though! Arf!
10.06: Because, umm, Jamie's broken his foot and is wearing a cast. Just in case you didn't know.
10.07: Jo is back with Ade and Neil McCormack who writes about music for the Telegraph and once attempted to release a single called People I Don't Know Are Trying To Kill Me shortly after the 7/7 attacks in London, thus making him even less qualified to discuss music than Ade.
10.08: And he's happily proving that point every time he opens his mouth.
10.09: Although, of course, as a Telegraph journalist he does represent the target audience of the prize a lot better than we do. Because we actually like music.
10.10: A look back at past winners of the prize. Yes, they did give it to M People one year. We'd skip over that particular decision if we were them.
10.11: We'd forgotten that Gomez won in 1998. Or, indeed, that they'd even existed.
10.13: We have more sympathy for Neil's song now. We don't know him but we'd really like to kill him, a feeling which grows more and more with each utterance that drops from his mouth.
10.15: Rupert, who knows the odds, looks exactly like you'd expect a Rupert to look like.
10.16: He claims that Bat for Lashes are the favourite, with Amy, Jamie and the Klaxons following closely behind.
10.17: And we're back with Jools, ready for the big announcement.
10.18: And we're reminded, again, of the nominated albums. Do they think we're goldfish?
10.19: Well, there always is something a bit fishy about these awards.
10.20: And the winner is... Klaxons!
10.20: Good thing we never actually put a bet on NYPC then.
10.21: "This really is too much!". They look extremely happy to have won the prize. How MDMA-zing.
10.22: One of them is wearing a phone on his head, and they've resorted to whooing into the microphone in lieu of making a speech.
10.22: Jo has just used the word 'fierce'. Oh dear.
10.23: They're cheering on the steps, successfully drowning out the nonsense spilling from Neil's mouth. Truly they deserve an award for that alone!
10.23: Judge Lauren Laverne attempts to explain why they won, but was disturbed by a Klaxon, who merrily pushed her out of the way, despite being a bit pregnant.
10.24: Lauren, that is, not the Klaxon.
10.25: They still seem overwhelmed by the whole thing, and are unable to hold a microphone properly, let alone string a coherent speech together.
10.26: And another chance to see them do Golden Skans. From earlier, it seems unlikely they could hold an instrument right now, let alone hold it together.
10.28: And apparently Amy Winehouse won the Popjustice Music Prize for Rehab. She'll probably pop down to their party later and put the twenty quid straight behind the bar. And why not.
10.29: And that's that. We're happy with their choice. Which is something of a first.
9.01: Jamie T reckons that "Everyone's a winner". Jamie obviously went to one of those special schools that don't believe in competition and gave everyone a prize for competing in the egg and spoon race, no matter whether their egg ended up smashed into the ground or not.
9.02: Jools Holland and Jo Whiley are hosting. It might only be ninety minutes but it's going to be a long night.
9.03: Opening the show are "The truly fabulous View", according to the lying Jo Whiley. If their album wins then you might as well give the prize to an indie anthems compilation album, such is the nature of their work. Even calling it derivative would be kind given that they so blatantly rip off the work of other bands, but without even managing to give their hooks the justice they deserve.
9.07: "A fantastic start to the evening, we've just enjoyed The View", announced Jools, from atop the stage, proving that lying isn't confined to Jo.
9.08: A run down of the nominated albums, along with some spectacularly trite observations from Jo follows. The audience, consisting mainly of record industry types who have an eye on the bottom line and little else, are encouraged to make some noise where they deem it necessary. If this has any baring on the result, Amy Winehouse or Jamie T are likely to claim the prize.
9.11: Maps doing It Will Find You. We have yet to investigate Maps properly yet, which may explain why we spend a large part of our life getting lost. Arf, etc. We like what we've heard, but there's about as much chance of this winning as there is of Maps blokey turning up in the Heat Spotted section.
9.15: They have let him come up on stage, however, to get his award for his nomination. Bless.
9.16: It's Jamie T. Lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhn-daaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhn!
9.17: Oh well, he's not doing that one, plumpuing for Salvador instead. Which is perhaps just as well, given his current fondness for ruining Sheila whenever he performs it live these days. Jamie's probably in with a shout, and we should consider ourselves thankful that the shortlist came out when it did. Had they waited a month or so later then his slot would likely have been taken by Kate Nash. Shudder.
9.19: Jamie gives a speech when he receives his nomination award. Thanking the fans who had no input in his nomination whatsoever.
9.20: It's New Young Pony Club, who are still our tip for the prize, despite the bookies and, indeed, the public's lack of enthusiasm for them. And their belief that they can carve out a career simply by releasing Ice Cream over and over again. Here they show a bit of variety by doing The Bomb instead, with some slightly poor vocals. Presumably they think this is going out on a commercial network and Ice Cream'll turn up soundtracking half the adverts in the break anyway.
9.22: But she does have good hair. Not that the watching industry types look too impressed. The main thought thst appears to be crossing their minds is "Hmm, I wonder what's for desert?"
9.23: Ice Cream? No, please yourselves then.
9.24: Jo is joined by Charles Hazlewood, who does conducting, apparently, and is one of the judges, and Adrian Edmondson, who is there for no reason whatsoever, particularly as his appearance on Celebrity Fame Academy clearly makes him ineligible to have any opinion on music whatsoever.
9.26: Fortunately he doesn't get to say a lot as Jo is more interested in getting the inside skinny from the judge. "We haven't made any decisions yet". Hooray for insightful journalism!
9.27: Just like this. Ahem.
9.28: Ade wants to perform with either Young Knives or Bat for Lashes. We are finding out these exciting nuggets of information as Jo desperately fills by asking the first questions that come into her head, no matter how inane or dull.
9.29: The new Young Knives single sounds like Carter: The Unstoppable Sex Machine, the one they're performing her, The Decision, sounds like British Sea Power performed by people who don't really like British Sea Power that much.
9.31: If the judges have a desperate urge to appear quirky they might go for this, but it seems more likely they'll want the watching world to consider them a group of people who can actually get girl/boyfriends.
9.33: Bat for Lashes, who is lazily described by journalists as a cross between Kate Bush and Bjork, mainly because she sounds like a cross between Kate Bush and Bjork, is the sort of artist it's easier to admire than love. We saw her do a gig earlier this year and, while we appreciated it, we're not sure we actually enjoyed it that much.
9.35: She's dressed like a peacock. It's hard to know how such a blatant display of tail prowess will affect the judges decisions.
9.36: She's probably got a good chance, as it is a good album. Just not one that you'd actually want to listen to very often.
9.37: The Arctic Monkeys are speaking from Tokyo. They are being Northern. The crazy, one trick, pointless wags.
9.38: As they can't be there to perform, rather than blessing us with not seeing them do a track, we get Teddy Picker from their Glastonbury set. Apparently the sound was so awful at the festival that only those right down the front could actually hear them. We doubt the rest of the audience realised how lucky they were.
9.40: And surely any song that references Duran Duran's Save a Prayer which isn't actually Save a Prayer is awful by definition?
9.41: Ffion Regan is up next. Until now we thought he was a girl. This is why we should bother our arse and actually do some research.
9.42: It's pleasant enough. If you like being bored to tears by acoustic guitar dullness, that is.
9.43: His hair is providing some entertainment, looking much like the Winehouse's would if she was too lazy to actually put it up. A male version of Amy's do... Would that be a He-hive then?
9.45: Seriously! It's like he's got a loaf of bread on his head!
9.45: He thanked them for providing him with a drawbridge. The award is small, he must have a tiny moat.
9.46: Jo is with The Young Knives and Natasha Bat for Lashes. There's always a good reason why musicians sing and play rather than speak.
9.48: One of Young Knives is debunking the celebrity experience. This would be more interesting if it was coming from someone who had actually experienced the celebrity experience.
9.49: Nat reckons that Ffion was really brave for going on stage with just a guitar. She must have a high cowardness threshold.
9.50: Dizzee Rascal is doing Flex with a badly moustachioed horn section. Of course, calling it a badly moustachioed horn section implies there's such a thing as a well moustachioed horn section
9.51: There isn't, of course.
9.52: Could Dizzee do the double? Probably not, but the Mercury organisers do like to make a vague nod towards being street each year and the Lethal Bizzle album came out to late to be included. It's a shame that his inclusion does smack of tokenism, though, as the album is ace. Even the track with Lily Allen on. We know! What are the chances!
9.53: Although for some reason tracks that involve Lily Allen are always better than those by Lily Allen. Probably her lack of creative input.
9.54: But we digress, Lily wasn't nominated. Thankfully.
9.55: It's Amy! And she's actually performing! Or fiddling with her micstand at least.
9.55: And looking slightly terrified. Unsurprisingly.
9.56: Although it's hard to tell as she's so emaciated she's practically hidden by the stand.
9.57: But she's performing Love is a Losing Game with a delicate touch and a voice that reminds you why she sold records before she became a car-crash.
9.57: The room is so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Or a popstar collapse.
9.58: She did seem unsure what to do after she was given her award though.
9.59: Basquiat Strings. Jazz. Urgh. More impressive hair though. We thought these awards were sponspored by Nationwide these days, not V05.
10.01: It's still going on.
10.02: And on.
10.03: Finally!
10.04: We love the Klaxons more in principle than in practice, but Golden Skans is still all kinds of aceness. And you have to admire anyone who'll go on telly dressed like they're on their way to a Star Trek convention but who can't afford to buy official replica uniforms and have had to make their own versions using their mums' old dresses.
10.05: We bet they'll be hopping mad if they don't win though! Arf!
10.06: Because, umm, Jamie's broken his foot and is wearing a cast. Just in case you didn't know.
10.07: Jo is back with Ade and Neil McCormack who writes about music for the Telegraph and once attempted to release a single called People I Don't Know Are Trying To Kill Me shortly after the 7/7 attacks in London, thus making him even less qualified to discuss music than Ade.
10.08: And he's happily proving that point every time he opens his mouth.
10.09: Although, of course, as a Telegraph journalist he does represent the target audience of the prize a lot better than we do. Because we actually like music.
10.10: A look back at past winners of the prize. Yes, they did give it to M People one year. We'd skip over that particular decision if we were them.
10.11: We'd forgotten that Gomez won in 1998. Or, indeed, that they'd even existed.
10.13: We have more sympathy for Neil's song now. We don't know him but we'd really like to kill him, a feeling which grows more and more with each utterance that drops from his mouth.
10.15: Rupert, who knows the odds, looks exactly like you'd expect a Rupert to look like.
10.16: He claims that Bat for Lashes are the favourite, with Amy, Jamie and the Klaxons following closely behind.
10.17: And we're back with Jools, ready for the big announcement.
10.18: And we're reminded, again, of the nominated albums. Do they think we're goldfish?
10.19: Well, there always is something a bit fishy about these awards.
10.20: And the winner is... Klaxons!
10.20: Good thing we never actually put a bet on NYPC then.
10.21: "This really is too much!". They look extremely happy to have won the prize. How MDMA-zing.
10.22: One of them is wearing a phone on his head, and they've resorted to whooing into the microphone in lieu of making a speech.
10.22: Jo has just used the word 'fierce'. Oh dear.
10.23: They're cheering on the steps, successfully drowning out the nonsense spilling from Neil's mouth. Truly they deserve an award for that alone!
10.23: Judge Lauren Laverne attempts to explain why they won, but was disturbed by a Klaxon, who merrily pushed her out of the way, despite being a bit pregnant.
10.24: Lauren, that is, not the Klaxon.
10.25: They still seem overwhelmed by the whole thing, and are unable to hold a microphone properly, let alone string a coherent speech together.
10.26: And another chance to see them do Golden Skans. From earlier, it seems unlikely they could hold an instrument right now, let alone hold it together.
10.28: And apparently Amy Winehouse won the Popjustice Music Prize for Rehab. She'll probably pop down to their party later and put the twenty quid straight behind the bar. And why not.
10.29: And that's that. We're happy with their choice. Which is something of a first.
Labels: Amy Winehouse, Arctic Monkeys, Awards, Basquiat Strings, Bat For Lashes, Ffion Regan, Jamie T, Klaxons, Live, Maps, Mercury Music Prize, New Young Pony Club, View, Young Knives
Friday, May 11, 2007
Fashion, Don't You Know
The Arctic Monkeys are undeniably, if unaccountably, popular, so it comes as no surprise that even they are being strongarmed into coming up with some sort of fashion range. Here at Talent in a Previous Life we like to be ahead of the game, so in a bid to spoil that particular launch, we sent our Fashion Correspondent Laura out to persuade Alex to write a few words about his own personal style. Over to you, Laura:
Before we start, I'm just writing a note to the Rest Of The World about this week's fashion piece. Alex Turner, being one of those 'pesky northerners' and therefore, uneducated, was slightly confused about what I was actually asking him to do and appears to have written his piece in the style of one of his songs. And it isn't even a 'I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor' type classic. Oh no. He's written it in his mother tongue. So, for the benefit of everyone who regards everywhere north of Watford as 'The North', I've provided a rough translation to each section. Hopefully this will be of some use to you. Laura x
Alex Turner's Guide To Not Letting Skiving Ruin A Day's Work
It's 'alf past sevun an' ah've bin wokken up by GMTV
Ad stay in bed burr'av gorra pho'ershoot wiv NME
Faverut wurse nightmare staring mi right in t'face
Rush hour traffic annah just ant got the pace
Alex is starting his day by immersing himself in some highly intellectual material - GMTV. He'd prefer to chill out and listen to what the UK's finest TV presenters have to say, and maybe enter a few of their phone-in competitions. After last week's shenanigans though, when he rang in to answer the question 'What is England's capital city?' (His answer? C. Scotland) and was charged £26 for the 20 second call, he's not so sure it's the best plan. Luckily, just before that scamp Kate Garraway has convinced Alex to ring in with the answer to today's question - 'Just how awful is Avril Lavigne?' (A. extremely, B. I'd rather saw my arm off with a plastic butter knife, or C. Simon Cowell) - he realises he's due to attend a photoshoot for that bible of all that is shit, NME. Alex just can't be arsed, to be honest.
I dote really care, annit's not very fun
Ad rarver bi sat on me arse down t'pub
Alex doesn't really care about NME and would rather be at the pub. Fully aware that boozing your day away won't shift any albums (Lindsay Lohan, Robbie Williams, The Fat One From Keane, TAKE NOTE), the record label bigwigs are not pleased with this new plan.
I 'ate bein Alex from t' Arctic Monkiz
Ah gerraway wiv noffin while ma bandmates are junkiz
They can skive n gerraway wivvit all
Burrif ah dote turn up, thez a bloody uproar
Poor old Alex. He's somewhat disheartened that he's the face of the band, as this means he actually has to promote the album. The other three need not turn up. Ever. It's a fact of life that 96% of the Rest of The World would only be able to pick out Alex and the guy who is on the cover of the album out of a line up. And even then, the guy on the album isn't even in the band. Never mind Al, have a chat with Nadine Coyle and Brendon Urie about being the face and focus of the band. They'll be able to give you some pearls of wisdom.
Ah call up t'manager ter tell 'im am busy
Am on t'other end of phone, but ah know 'e sounds pissy
I 'ang up the phone en gerrin another beer
En ignore mi phone fran'ickli ringin in me ear
Alex decides to sod off down to the pub anyway, and let's face it, who can blame him? A day down the pub, or rubbing shoulders with people who hysterically declare week in, week out that 'RAZORLIGHT ARE THE BEST BAND!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!'. The poor guy's reluctance to answer his phone to his furious manager is more than understandable really.
E's almost as bitter as t' beer in my glass
85K in a day? I'm avin' the last bloody laff!
Alex mocks his defenceless manager from afar, and laughs that his own daily salary sends out a big 'screw you' message to anyone who tries to take him away from the pub. What poor old northern Alex forgets here is that if he doesn't go to the bloody photoshoot, he will be getting sod all and, indeed, his manager will be the one laughing because he gets paid regardless.
I 'ate bein Alex from t' Arctic Monkiz
Ah gerraway wiv noffin while ma bandmates are junkiz
They can skive n gerraway wivvit all
Burrif ah dote turn up, thez a bloody uproar
You've seen this one before. Alex is being a miserable sod.
A birrov fit be'ind t'bar, tryin ter pull more than a beer
Ah tell 'er am gonna go far, so why dote shi come over ere
I ask 'er ter tek a photo so wi keep the manager at bay
Of us four lads drinkin the day away
Shiz 'appy to 'elp n wivva click of me phone
NME got their bloody photo n can leave mi alone
Aha! A stroke of genius! The barmaid who is somewhat overwhelmed at the fact that Alex from the Arctic Monkeys is in the pub with three of his greasy mates, and tries to take an impromptu photo with her camera phone to send to all her mates. Unfortunately, the flash of the camera and the hideously irritating faux click of the camera 'shutter' gives her game away. Alex, realising what she's up to, asks her to text the picture to his manager, who in turn passes it on to the NME journos. Everyone is happy!
I 'ate bein Alex from t' Arctic Monkiz
Ah gerraway wiv noffin while ma bandmates are junkiz
They can skive n gerraway wivvit all
Burrif ah dote turn up, thez a bloody uproar
Oh you've seen this one before.
Before we start, I'm just writing a note to the Rest Of The World about this week's fashion piece. Alex Turner, being one of those 'pesky northerners' and therefore, uneducated, was slightly confused about what I was actually asking him to do and appears to have written his piece in the style of one of his songs. And it isn't even a 'I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor' type classic. Oh no. He's written it in his mother tongue. So, for the benefit of everyone who regards everywhere north of Watford as 'The North', I've provided a rough translation to each section. Hopefully this will be of some use to you. Laura x
Alex Turner's Guide To Not Letting Skiving Ruin A Day's Work
It's 'alf past sevun an' ah've bin wokken up by GMTV
Ad stay in bed burr'av gorra pho'ershoot wiv NME
Faverut wurse nightmare staring mi right in t'face
Rush hour traffic annah just ant got the pace
Alex is starting his day by immersing himself in some highly intellectual material - GMTV. He'd prefer to chill out and listen to what the UK's finest TV presenters have to say, and maybe enter a few of their phone-in competitions. After last week's shenanigans though, when he rang in to answer the question 'What is England's capital city?' (His answer? C. Scotland) and was charged £26 for the 20 second call, he's not so sure it's the best plan. Luckily, just before that scamp Kate Garraway has convinced Alex to ring in with the answer to today's question - 'Just how awful is Avril Lavigne?' (A. extremely, B. I'd rather saw my arm off with a plastic butter knife, or C. Simon Cowell) - he realises he's due to attend a photoshoot for that bible of all that is shit, NME. Alex just can't be arsed, to be honest.
I dote really care, annit's not very fun
Ad rarver bi sat on me arse down t'pub
Alex doesn't really care about NME and would rather be at the pub. Fully aware that boozing your day away won't shift any albums (Lindsay Lohan, Robbie Williams, The Fat One From Keane, TAKE NOTE), the record label bigwigs are not pleased with this new plan.
I 'ate bein Alex from t' Arctic Monkiz
Ah gerraway wiv noffin while ma bandmates are junkiz
They can skive n gerraway wivvit all
Burrif ah dote turn up, thez a bloody uproar
Poor old Alex. He's somewhat disheartened that he's the face of the band, as this means he actually has to promote the album. The other three need not turn up. Ever. It's a fact of life that 96% of the Rest of The World would only be able to pick out Alex and the guy who is on the cover of the album out of a line up. And even then, the guy on the album isn't even in the band. Never mind Al, have a chat with Nadine Coyle and Brendon Urie about being the face and focus of the band. They'll be able to give you some pearls of wisdom.
Ah call up t'manager ter tell 'im am busy
Am on t'other end of phone, but ah know 'e sounds pissy
I 'ang up the phone en gerrin another beer
En ignore mi phone fran'ickli ringin in me ear
Alex decides to sod off down to the pub anyway, and let's face it, who can blame him? A day down the pub, or rubbing shoulders with people who hysterically declare week in, week out that 'RAZORLIGHT ARE THE BEST BAND!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!'. The poor guy's reluctance to answer his phone to his furious manager is more than understandable really.
E's almost as bitter as t' beer in my glass
85K in a day? I'm avin' the last bloody laff!
Alex mocks his defenceless manager from afar, and laughs that his own daily salary sends out a big 'screw you' message to anyone who tries to take him away from the pub. What poor old northern Alex forgets here is that if he doesn't go to the bloody photoshoot, he will be getting sod all and, indeed, his manager will be the one laughing because he gets paid regardless.
I 'ate bein Alex from t' Arctic Monkiz
Ah gerraway wiv noffin while ma bandmates are junkiz
They can skive n gerraway wivvit all
Burrif ah dote turn up, thez a bloody uproar
You've seen this one before. Alex is being a miserable sod.
A birrov fit be'ind t'bar, tryin ter pull more than a beer
Ah tell 'er am gonna go far, so why dote shi come over ere
I ask 'er ter tek a photo so wi keep the manager at bay
Of us four lads drinkin the day away
Shiz 'appy to 'elp n wivva click of me phone
NME got their bloody photo n can leave mi alone
Aha! A stroke of genius! The barmaid who is somewhat overwhelmed at the fact that Alex from the Arctic Monkeys is in the pub with three of his greasy mates, and tries to take an impromptu photo with her camera phone to send to all her mates. Unfortunately, the flash of the camera and the hideously irritating faux click of the camera 'shutter' gives her game away. Alex, realising what she's up to, asks her to text the picture to his manager, who in turn passes it on to the NME journos. Everyone is happy!
I 'ate bein Alex from t' Arctic Monkiz
Ah gerraway wiv noffin while ma bandmates are junkiz
They can skive n gerraway wivvit all
Burrif ah dote turn up, thez a bloody uproar
Oh you've seen this one before.
Labels: Arctic Monkeys, Fashion
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Chart Attack
Some people are getting quite excited by the prospect of chart history being made this afternoon. Although given that chart history seems to be made on a pretty much daily basis these days it's hard to get too worked up about it. This time it's those lovable, happy go lucky, in no way completely dull and derivative dullsmiths the Arctic Monkeys who are getting people all worked up, which is, at least, something that they pretty much fail to do with their music. This time it's the fact that, when it's all announced later on today, they're likely to have 18 songs in the charts, which does sound quite an impressive feat and, indeed, would be if it wasn't for the fact that "The charts" doesn't, as you might expect, mean the top 40. In fact it refers to the Top 200 which, given that you only need to sell roughly seven copies to make it into the arse end of the chart, makes it somewhat less of a feat that they're claiming it to be.
It's all down to the fact that download sales of any track, whether an official single or not, are now considered chart eligible, so it's likely that this sort of thing will happen on a regular basis now around the big releases, which means that in time this kind of chart event will amazingly be even less interesting than it is now, if such a thing is possible, even if it does seem rather unlikely that bands will ever get more than a couple of songs in the actual top forty at any one time. Some people reckon that, if The Beatles and Apple ever bury their differences and allow Beatles songs to become available on iTunes, then they'll take up pretty much every position in the charts, although quite where this apparently massive group of people who like the Beatles enough to download their entire back catalogue the minute it gets released, but not enough to bother ripping the CDs themselves is going to come from hasn't yet been made clear, but we're sure they're out there somewhere. Probably hiding in cave near a Wifi hotspot.
It's all down to the fact that download sales of any track, whether an official single or not, are now considered chart eligible, so it's likely that this sort of thing will happen on a regular basis now around the big releases, which means that in time this kind of chart event will amazingly be even less interesting than it is now, if such a thing is possible, even if it does seem rather unlikely that bands will ever get more than a couple of songs in the actual top forty at any one time. Some people reckon that, if The Beatles and Apple ever bury their differences and allow Beatles songs to become available on iTunes, then they'll take up pretty much every position in the charts, although quite where this apparently massive group of people who like the Beatles enough to download their entire back catalogue the minute it gets released, but not enough to bother ripping the CDs themselves is going to come from hasn't yet been made clear, but we're sure they're out there somewhere. Probably hiding in cave near a Wifi hotspot.
Labels: Arctic Monkeys, Charts
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Monkey's Business
Demonstrating the sort of lyrical genius for which they've been revered in such hip and exciting publications as Q, Uncut, and Q, again, the Arctic Monkeys open new single Brianstorm - do you see what they did there? - with the lines "Brian/Top marks for not tryin'", a sentiment which can easily be applied to the band themselves. The last time such a lazy and dull couplet appeared in music it was in Paul Simon's 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover which, like the Monkeys' output, leaves the listener shortchanged by supplying only five ways to do so, all of which are based entirely on the 'rhyming with your first name' concept. "Slip out the back, Jack", for example, or "Hop on the bus, Gus". "Sleep with her sister, Lister", and "Tell her you're gay, Ray" are presumably only availiable on the 12" version.
We've had the misfortune of hearing their second album and can report that it's a concept album with each song opening with a similar lyrical conceit. Here's what you have to look forward to being pumped out constantly by Virgin Radio like a toilet in reverse:-
Steven/You should stop thieving
Here lead singer Alex Turner tells the tale of Steven, a local character from his home town of Sheffield. He indulges in petty crime and Alex reckons that he'd be better off if he turned his back on such immoral pursuits and got a job, or maybe even formed a band. This shows the sharp focus of Alex's wit, which constantly throws lights on areas of society which are normally ignored, providing us with sparkling insight, much in the manner of When The Sun Goes Down, which postulated the earth shattering concept that some places aren't very nice to hang around when it's dark.
Michael/He owned a cycle
The tale of Michael, a local character from Alex's home town of Sheffield. As a lad Michael owned a BMX and rode it everywhere he went, but as he grew up, he left his bike behind and tended more towards driving a car instead. Or possibly getting the bus. "It's a slice of life!", says Alex of it, cheerfully, and also provides the band's fans with the sort of banal slop to which they've become accustomed.
Jermaine/He flew an airplane
A misjudged attempted to cash in on Scooch's success. Though the band already have their stewardess uniforms ready, seeing the success of their Brit Awards acceptence speeches as encouragement to continue with their ploy of dressing up in ridiculous costumes as a substitute to having a personality.
Phillip/You're such a pillock
Continuing on with the controversial views and opinions that keep their fans hanging on like so many sloths to a tree, this political song offers up for debate the possibility that Prince Phillip, the Duke of Edinburgh, might not exactly be a fine and upstanding citizen. In both their music and their lyrics, the Monkeys really love to challenge their fans.
Alex/Your songs are bollocks
Well, a bit of self awareness never hurt anybody.
We've had the misfortune of hearing their second album and can report that it's a concept album with each song opening with a similar lyrical conceit. Here's what you have to look forward to being pumped out constantly by Virgin Radio like a toilet in reverse:-
Steven/You should stop thieving
Here lead singer Alex Turner tells the tale of Steven, a local character from his home town of Sheffield. He indulges in petty crime and Alex reckons that he'd be better off if he turned his back on such immoral pursuits and got a job, or maybe even formed a band. This shows the sharp focus of Alex's wit, which constantly throws lights on areas of society which are normally ignored, providing us with sparkling insight, much in the manner of When The Sun Goes Down, which postulated the earth shattering concept that some places aren't very nice to hang around when it's dark.
Michael/He owned a cycle
The tale of Michael, a local character from Alex's home town of Sheffield. As a lad Michael owned a BMX and rode it everywhere he went, but as he grew up, he left his bike behind and tended more towards driving a car instead. Or possibly getting the bus. "It's a slice of life!", says Alex of it, cheerfully, and also provides the band's fans with the sort of banal slop to which they've become accustomed.
Jermaine/He flew an airplane
A misjudged attempted to cash in on Scooch's success. Though the band already have their stewardess uniforms ready, seeing the success of their Brit Awards acceptence speeches as encouragement to continue with their ploy of dressing up in ridiculous costumes as a substitute to having a personality.
Phillip/You're such a pillock
Continuing on with the controversial views and opinions that keep their fans hanging on like so many sloths to a tree, this political song offers up for debate the possibility that Prince Phillip, the Duke of Edinburgh, might not exactly be a fine and upstanding citizen. In both their music and their lyrics, the Monkeys really love to challenge their fans.
Alex/Your songs are bollocks
Well, a bit of self awareness never hurt anybody.
Labels: Arctic Monkeys
