Friday, January 30, 2004
All New Thoughts of the Pops
Well, it's Friday night and we're not in the pub, so is there any better way to spend it than watching Top of the Pops? Yes, we know, there are lots, but never mind. Here's what we learnt this week.
Oh, and did we mention that we really liked the Scissor Sisters performance?
- Using the same performance of Maroon 5 from 2 weeks back isn't the best way to open an allegedly live show.
- Scissor Sisters may well be the most seriously fucking ace band... ever.
- Atomic Kitten seriously believe that people will still be interested in them when they return from their year long *ahem* 'break'.
- Stereophonics, welsh, boring, dull as shit, yadda, yadda. Who cares? We're still thinking about the fabness of Scissor Sisters. Ana had a tambourine. A tambourine! And, as everyone knows, tambourines are the 5th acest thing of all time... ever!
- Katie Melua is number one in the album charts. We didn't learn who she actually was though.
- There is no phrase more chilling in the english language than "Here's the new single by Westlife".
- In someone's strange and depraved mind, the idea of Jennifer Lopez and R. Kelly collaborating is deemed a good one. We want this person killed.
- The producers of Top of the Pops have an interesting definition of what the word pop actually means. I mean, Incubus? Jesus wept.
- Michelle McManus is still at number one. Oh for fuck's sake.
Oh, and did we mention that we really liked the Scissor Sisters performance?
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
We Love Them Cause We Have To
We're off out this evening to see Dogs Die in Hot Cars; not actual canine suffering of course, that would just be cruel (and pretty unlikely given the leaky-boom-boom-day-esque snow storms whipping the country) and besides, we much prefer to see hamsters cruely kept in oven-like glass cages. No, instead we're going to see the Scottish (whisper it) indie band. Lets hope they're as ace as covering your fingers with safety glue, letting it dry, then peeling off the bits.
Monday, January 26, 2004
Oz; Born
Today is Australia Day and, in a nod to our visitors down under, we thought we'd use this occasion to list all that is good about Australian Pop. So, here we go:-
- Kylie Minogue
- ...
- ..
- Ummm...
- Err...
- How about... No, they were from New Zealand
Stefan Dennis- Men at Work
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Burns, Baby, Burns
The problem with January, other than the cold weather, post-Christmas blues and general pointlessness of the month, is the fact that bugger all happens in the world of pop, hence the sporadicness of updates recently (though we should really have mentioned the Scissor Sisters single that was released this week, but you all know how ace that is anyway, don't you?). Fortunately though, we're nearly into February when we're sure lots of exciting things will happen, but as today is the 25th, and as such, Burns Night, we thought we'd use that as an excuse to a) talk about Burns for a bit and b) discuss the influence of Scottish music on pop. Is that a plan or what? No, that's a rhetorical question, don't actually answer it.
Anyway, Burns Night is a chance for Scots all over the world to get pissed. Although to be be fair, this isn't exactly unique as we will use most occasions and events to have a couple of swift drinks including, but not limited to, Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, the Day After Boxing Day, the Spring Equinox and Shrove Tuesday. It's also traditional on this day to practice one of the two traditional forms of Scottish cooking, dousing everything in whisky and hoping for the best. The other form being, of course, to deep fry everything until every last vitamin has been destroyed. Quite why we don't lead the world in terms of health ang longevity, we're at a loss to explain.
Burns himself was an exponent of the hard drinking lifestyle, and the womanising, and the being a bit of a bastard, if all things are told. Basically he was the Robbie Williams of his day, though Burns did have a better way with a rhyme and a melody than Mr Williams does. As does virtually everyone who has ever lived, a glass ashtray and two short planks. He's best known as a poet (Burns that is, Robbie is best known as something which is far too rude to publish here), the writer of such works as To a Mouse, To a Mountain Daisy, To a Haggis and To a Chippy for a Smoked Sausage Supper, Salt and Sauce Please, the latter not one of his best and lost to the public for a while, as many thought that the Scots used in the poem was of an obscure dialect, in fact it turned out simply to be incredibly slurred. The closing line of "I'll get youse you radges, you want some, huh, huh?" however, is said to be one of his most moving. As in bowels.
Of course, Burns was merely the first famous Scot to be involved in music, since then, we've managed to produce a torrent of crap which floods the chart in the the same way that crumbs flood your sheets when you're eating toast in bed, though slightly more irritating. Even ignoring novelty acts such as ,b>Andy Stewart, The Krankies and Texas, we still seem to supply a disproportionately high amount of rubbish compared to other nations, and when you throw in the fact that the most successful Scottish artisit ever is Lonnie Donnegan, the King of Skiffle, it makes you wonder whether we should have all our instruments taking off of us and be banned from writing any songs until Mr Tune takes up residence and starts offering lessons.
Other reasons to be embarassed by Scottish pop include the Bay City Rollers (apart from Shang-a-lang), bloody Lulu, who still believes it was her involvement that got Relight My Fire to number one, Rod Stewart, who isn't even Scottish, and Travis, a group that makes The One Continuous Note Band sound like an interesting concept. We've provided very few diamonds for the charts, other than Shirley Manson, 500 Miles by The Proclaimers and Aztec Camera's Somewhere in my Heart. Except for those it's been Deacon Blue after Simple Minds after Mero after Lemonescent, and do we try and make up for our ignomius past? No, instead we decide to give the record buying public none other than the Pop Why-dol herself, Michelle McManus, a woman who has only 3 dance moves; the left hand extension, the right hand extension and, for particularly emotional bits of the song, i.e. the key change, the dual hand extension. We despair, we really do.
Still, at least we managed to get through this piece without mentioning Mull of Kintyre. Oh...
Anyway, Burns Night is a chance for Scots all over the world to get pissed. Although to be be fair, this isn't exactly unique as we will use most occasions and events to have a couple of swift drinks including, but not limited to, Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, the Day After Boxing Day, the Spring Equinox and Shrove Tuesday. It's also traditional on this day to practice one of the two traditional forms of Scottish cooking, dousing everything in whisky and hoping for the best. The other form being, of course, to deep fry everything until every last vitamin has been destroyed. Quite why we don't lead the world in terms of health ang longevity, we're at a loss to explain.
Burns himself was an exponent of the hard drinking lifestyle, and the womanising, and the being a bit of a bastard, if all things are told. Basically he was the Robbie Williams of his day, though Burns did have a better way with a rhyme and a melody than Mr Williams does. As does virtually everyone who has ever lived, a glass ashtray and two short planks. He's best known as a poet (Burns that is, Robbie is best known as something which is far too rude to publish here), the writer of such works as To a Mouse, To a Mountain Daisy, To a Haggis and To a Chippy for a Smoked Sausage Supper, Salt and Sauce Please, the latter not one of his best and lost to the public for a while, as many thought that the Scots used in the poem was of an obscure dialect, in fact it turned out simply to be incredibly slurred. The closing line of "I'll get youse you radges, you want some, huh, huh?" however, is said to be one of his most moving. As in bowels.
Of course, Burns was merely the first famous Scot to be involved in music, since then, we've managed to produce a torrent of crap which floods the chart in the the same way that crumbs flood your sheets when you're eating toast in bed, though slightly more irritating. Even ignoring novelty acts such as ,b>Andy Stewart, The Krankies and Texas, we still seem to supply a disproportionately high amount of rubbish compared to other nations, and when you throw in the fact that the most successful Scottish artisit ever is Lonnie Donnegan, the King of Skiffle, it makes you wonder whether we should have all our instruments taking off of us and be banned from writing any songs until Mr Tune takes up residence and starts offering lessons.
Other reasons to be embarassed by Scottish pop include the Bay City Rollers (apart from Shang-a-lang), bloody Lulu, who still believes it was her involvement that got Relight My Fire to number one, Rod Stewart, who isn't even Scottish, and Travis, a group that makes The One Continuous Note Band sound like an interesting concept. We've provided very few diamonds for the charts, other than Shirley Manson, 500 Miles by The Proclaimers and Aztec Camera's Somewhere in my Heart. Except for those it's been Deacon Blue after Simple Minds after Mero after Lemonescent, and do we try and make up for our ignomius past? No, instead we decide to give the record buying public none other than the Pop Why-dol herself, Michelle McManus, a woman who has only 3 dance moves; the left hand extension, the right hand extension and, for particularly emotional bits of the song, i.e. the key change, the dual hand extension. We despair, we really do.
Still, at least we managed to get through this piece without mentioning Mull of Kintyre. Oh...
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Some call it Dogcore...
or A Brief History of Canine
When we announced that this year would see the first all poodle number one, a wave of excitement, intrigue, and admittedly a lot of disinterest, raced through the TiaPL readership. As a result, we'll be keeping you up to date with the poodle based news throught the coming year, but before that we realise that the whole concept of dog-based pop music might seem like it's come out of nowhere and is a nonsense idea, much like using a chainsaw to cut your toenails, but this simply isn't true. It's had a long, illustrious history, and it's that which we want to educate you with today.
Although there were some classical canine composers, most notable Johan Sebastian Bark and some who were favoured by King Charles, the music ability of dogs was not really held in high esteem for many, many years. At least, not in public anyway. As time went on it became more and more common for artists to take pup music, repackage it and use a more human-friendly artist to sell it. The most notable exponent of this theft was Elvis Presley, who's disrespect for the culture he was plundering was by far the most degrading thing about his actions. When he recorded "Hound Dog", a song which, by it's title, should have been celebrating his hairy chums, instead insulted them, a million voices howled in protest. Their revenge came with his final indignity - when Elvis died he was found looking like a bloated shadow of his former self, pumped fill of drugs, with his trousers round his ankles, sitting on a Pug.
The first proper pup star was the sheepdog duo of Dog Dylan, a collie who spearheaded the popular folk movement. He's probably best known for Sniffing in the Wind, featuring the famous line "How many times must a dog be walked before they call him a dog". Unfortunately their career was scuppered for two reasons:- firstly when he swapped his favourite, traditional rubber ball, for a new modern electric toy to chase after instead, but secondly, and more importantly, due to his long and hard fought battle with Cat Stevens. Dog's career pretty much ended when the singer got stuck up a tree and needed to be rescued by the fire department.
Even with minor successes like that, the pup-pop movement never really took off, mainly due to the sixties being the era that insect bands made their mark. Something that has never been repeated since the invention of insect repellant in the seventies. With them out of the way, it paved the way for the glam rock movement to make it's entrance. While the more butch hounds, such as bulldogs and pitbulls gave this a wide berth, many took the opportunity to put on a sparkly collar, get a tartan jacket and rock out in a ridiculously camp way. Bands such as Sweep, -Rex and Rolling in Mud snapped at the heels of the lower end of the charts but, like most doggy efforts to communicate, they were pretty much ignored and got left outside in both the metaphorical and literal kennel.
The eighties were a lean time for dog musicians, though their influence did live on, mainly in the dog-caller based fashion sense of goths admittedly, but other than a few exceptions, such as Paw-chestral Manoeuvres in the Park and Spaniel Ballet, the musical mutt's kept their heads as low as a mongrel who's owners have just discovered his mess in the corner. Even the summer of love and acid house music failed to tempt many hounds out to play, mainly because no-one else could hear their whistles.
As we headed into the nineties, a more political music began to emerge, with Billy Bragg (from Barking, Essex) heading the Red Setter movement, designed to encourage the UK youth to vote Labour. Alas, it wasn't a huge success, and many bands that held similar political views ended up as rivals, despite the similar ideology, and the bitterness still remains to a certain extent, evident at Glastonbury in the late nineties, where Billy Bragg bemoaned the fact that the Manic Street Poochers had set aside a lampost for their own use only.
It's the mid-nineties that we discover the apex (so far) of the Dogcore movement, the chart-troubling Brit-Pup scene. Based around notorius indie hangout, The Winalot Mixer in Camden, a whole host of bands appeared and seemed about to inherit the earth. For a while it seemed that simply having one jangly bell on your collar and a glossy coat would guarantee you a record deal. Bands such as Cur hit the top ten with their hit Barklife, who could forget the attempts at androdgyny by Spayed (Best known for Animal Irate), an attempt which did, admittedly, end up pretty sexless. The pretty pups of the movement were Menswe@ratmeifibarkatthem, who despite having no tunes did have a nice line in well fitted collars and two tone coats. It was their deification that ultimately led to Brit-Pup being seen as a joke by the media, much along the lines of the novelty Jingle Cats scene.
After that collapse, the dogs retired to lick their wounds (and their testicles), but soon they'll be back... the might of poodle pop will take on all, and we'll be keeping you fully informed of all the exciting dog based events as the year progresses. Forget Michelle, this year it's all about the Pup Idols.
When we announced that this year would see the first all poodle number one, a wave of excitement, intrigue, and admittedly a lot of disinterest, raced through the TiaPL readership. As a result, we'll be keeping you up to date with the poodle based news throught the coming year, but before that we realise that the whole concept of dog-based pop music might seem like it's come out of nowhere and is a nonsense idea, much like using a chainsaw to cut your toenails, but this simply isn't true. It's had a long, illustrious history, and it's that which we want to educate you with today.
Although there were some classical canine composers, most notable Johan Sebastian Bark and some who were favoured by King Charles, the music ability of dogs was not really held in high esteem for many, many years. At least, not in public anyway. As time went on it became more and more common for artists to take pup music, repackage it and use a more human-friendly artist to sell it. The most notable exponent of this theft was Elvis Presley, who's disrespect for the culture he was plundering was by far the most degrading thing about his actions. When he recorded "Hound Dog", a song which, by it's title, should have been celebrating his hairy chums, instead insulted them, a million voices howled in protest. Their revenge came with his final indignity - when Elvis died he was found looking like a bloated shadow of his former self, pumped fill of drugs, with his trousers round his ankles, sitting on a Pug.
The first proper pup star was the sheepdog duo of Dog Dylan, a collie who spearheaded the popular folk movement. He's probably best known for Sniffing in the Wind, featuring the famous line "How many times must a dog be walked before they call him a dog". Unfortunately their career was scuppered for two reasons:- firstly when he swapped his favourite, traditional rubber ball, for a new modern electric toy to chase after instead, but secondly, and more importantly, due to his long and hard fought battle with Cat Stevens. Dog's career pretty much ended when the singer got stuck up a tree and needed to be rescued by the fire department.
Even with minor successes like that, the pup-pop movement never really took off, mainly due to the sixties being the era that insect bands made their mark. Something that has never been repeated since the invention of insect repellant in the seventies. With them out of the way, it paved the way for the glam rock movement to make it's entrance. While the more butch hounds, such as bulldogs and pitbulls gave this a wide berth, many took the opportunity to put on a sparkly collar, get a tartan jacket and rock out in a ridiculously camp way. Bands such as Sweep, -Rex and Rolling in Mud snapped at the heels of the lower end of the charts but, like most doggy efforts to communicate, they were pretty much ignored and got left outside in both the metaphorical and literal kennel.
The eighties were a lean time for dog musicians, though their influence did live on, mainly in the dog-caller based fashion sense of goths admittedly, but other than a few exceptions, such as Paw-chestral Manoeuvres in the Park and Spaniel Ballet, the musical mutt's kept their heads as low as a mongrel who's owners have just discovered his mess in the corner. Even the summer of love and acid house music failed to tempt many hounds out to play, mainly because no-one else could hear their whistles.
As we headed into the nineties, a more political music began to emerge, with Billy Bragg (from Barking, Essex) heading the Red Setter movement, designed to encourage the UK youth to vote Labour. Alas, it wasn't a huge success, and many bands that held similar political views ended up as rivals, despite the similar ideology, and the bitterness still remains to a certain extent, evident at Glastonbury in the late nineties, where Billy Bragg bemoaned the fact that the Manic Street Poochers had set aside a lampost for their own use only.
It's the mid-nineties that we discover the apex (so far) of the Dogcore movement, the chart-troubling Brit-Pup scene. Based around notorius indie hangout, The Winalot Mixer in Camden, a whole host of bands appeared and seemed about to inherit the earth. For a while it seemed that simply having one jangly bell on your collar and a glossy coat would guarantee you a record deal. Bands such as Cur hit the top ten with their hit Barklife, who could forget the attempts at androdgyny by Spayed (Best known for Animal Irate), an attempt which did, admittedly, end up pretty sexless. The pretty pups of the movement were Menswe@ratmeifibarkatthem, who despite having no tunes did have a nice line in well fitted collars and two tone coats. It was their deification that ultimately led to Brit-Pup being seen as a joke by the media, much along the lines of the novelty Jingle Cats scene.
After that collapse, the dogs retired to lick their wounds (and their testicles), but soon they'll be back... the might of poodle pop will take on all, and we'll be keeping you fully informed of all the exciting dog based events as the year progresses. Forget Michelle, this year it's all about the Pup Idols.
Friday, January 16, 2004
All New Thoughts of the Pops
It's an all new year, but does this mean that All New Top of The Pops has magically improved? Alas, no, but here's what we learnt from watching this weeks show, anyway:-
- Blazin' Squad's entrances are far, far better than their actual songs. They should just enter, then bugger off again, everyone would be happy.
- Everything about Maroon 5 should point to them being almost Stereophonics-like in their rubbishness, from the fact they are a Soul-Rock band, to the singer's leather jacket via the guitarists shaggy long hair and beard combo, but somehow the song isn't as utterly hateful as you'd imagine. It's still rubbish, mind, just not as rubbish as you'd expect.
- Thanks to the Boogie Pimps we see that Pan's People have aged well.
- The pop genius of Crazy in Love was very much a one-off judging by the mediocrity of Me Myself and I
- Dido fancies herself as a comedienne, as was proved when she announced, totally straight faced, that her new album is a completely different sound to her old one.
- As The Rush Comes by Motorcycle is sung by Mr C from the Shamen in drag.
- When not singing their lines, Liberty X look as bored with Everyone Cries as the rest of the Great British Public.
- Some girl called Michelle McManus is at number one, can someone remind us who she is again?
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Have You Spleen Her? Tell Me, Have You Spleen Her?
A horrible scream fills the air, the sort of tortured wailing which can only be caused by a rusty scalpal cutting into an already infected wound. This means only one thing - the TiaPL Spleen is back to answer your pop related questions, so lets watch as this weeks questioner gingerly steps up to the bloody organ.
Dear TiaPL Spleen
If I wasn't the most hottest, the most stylish or even the most baddest...would it matter to you? Because why can't I make you see the real things in life are free?
Love
Cakey
Yes, unfortunately it would. This is down to the major flaw in your argument when you claim that "The real things in life are free". This is quite clearly nonsense. Real things are stuff like bread, pigs and balloons, stuff that costs money in your local Inflatable Sausage Sandwich shop. The only free stuff they offer is the rancid, unsold cuts which you could perhaps find in the bin, assuming they don't float away that is. Unreal things are stuff like Gryphons, magic sparkle dust and the successful pop career of North and South, i.e. stuff that only exists in the minds of madmen (and women) and are therefore free, at least until the days of brain projectors which will turn your thoughts into real objects. But as the whole concept of brain projectors is also completely imaginary and unreal, these too will be free, making my argument as watertight as clingfilm over a toilet seat.
The Spleen
Umm, yes... thanks for that Spleen. Clearly the christmas fun and frolics has made him somewhat woozy about whatever passes for his brain. Either that or it's the aneasthetic. Anyway, if you have a suitable question for The Spleen then either mail us at talentinapreviouslife@hotmail.com or leave it in the comment box below.
Dear TiaPL Spleen
If I wasn't the most hottest, the most stylish or even the most baddest...would it matter to you? Because why can't I make you see the real things in life are free?
Love
Cakey
Yes, unfortunately it would. This is down to the major flaw in your argument when you claim that "The real things in life are free". This is quite clearly nonsense. Real things are stuff like bread, pigs and balloons, stuff that costs money in your local Inflatable Sausage Sandwich shop. The only free stuff they offer is the rancid, unsold cuts which you could perhaps find in the bin, assuming they don't float away that is. Unreal things are stuff like Gryphons, magic sparkle dust and the successful pop career of North and South, i.e. stuff that only exists in the minds of madmen (and women) and are therefore free, at least until the days of brain projectors which will turn your thoughts into real objects. But as the whole concept of brain projectors is also completely imaginary and unreal, these too will be free, making my argument as watertight as clingfilm over a toilet seat.
The Spleen
Umm, yes... thanks for that Spleen. Clearly the christmas fun and frolics has made him somewhat woozy about whatever passes for his brain. Either that or it's the aneasthetic. Anyway, if you have a suitable question for The Spleen then either mail us at talentinapreviouslife@hotmail.com or leave it in the comment box below.
Monday, January 12, 2004
Brits: All Gone Wrong, Again.
The nominations for these year's Brit Awards have been announced. Anyone interested? Thought not.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
The Future's Bright... The Future's Ginger
We've been to the year 2004, don't worry though, not much has changed and, unless you're particularly submarine obsessed, you're unlikely to be living underwater. This doesn't mean that this year is going to be uneventful though. Quite the contrary in fact, so here's a guide to all the exciting pop related things that will be happening over the next 12 months.
- The BBC's tactic of trying to make Top of the Pops so rubbish that it goes down so far, it comes out the other side and eventually becomes quite, quite brilliant fails to pay off and it simply becomes a crock of absolute shit.
- New Busted album moves in a more Enya influcened direction.
- In a radical change of image Christina Aguilera promotes her next album dressed as a giant badger.
- More cowbells.
Britney Spears gets married in Las Vegas while drunk, then divorced the day after(No, too unbelivable - Ed)- Rachel Stevens displays the only part of her body that has yet to be salivated over by hormonal teenagers in FHM in a desperate bid to boost sales of her album.
- Rachel gets dropped. Hormonal teenagers appear to be upset with her manager. "What a cunt!", many are heard to exclaim.
- Only 4 different styles of music allowed in chart at any one time.
- Fast Food Rockers fail to 'ironically' end up working in McDonalds; even they won't employ them, claiming it'll lower the standard of the 'Restaurant'
- First all poodle pop group hits Number 1
- Before the new Oasis album is released, many critics claim it's the best thing they've ever done - the sort of album that will have all who hear it foaming at the mouth with sheer, rabid joy, such is it's brilliance, a genuine return to form, etc, etc.
- New Oasis album gets released. It's shit.
- Kelis' milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
- In a bid to boost their flagging profile, Phixx decide to pose naked in popular magazine for the curious gentlemen, Attitude.
- Phixx's stunt appears to be a success, all over the country the exclamation "What a bunch of cocks" is heard.
- Gareth Gates gets a new haircut.
- In an ironic twist, Atomic Kitten get bitten by an actual atomic kitten and find themselves developing strange cat-ike powers. Fortunately their ability to fill the charts full of watered-down covers is severely hampered due to the ease in which they become distracted by a ball of wool or something shiny. Not that this is, admittedly, hugely different to their concentration span now.
- Nicola from Girls Aloud becomes so perfect she ceases to have a physical form and instead exists only as pure thought.
- Michelle from Pop Idol ends up as a national joke. Oh wait, sorry, that was a 2003 prediction.
- The Strokes unveil a new bubble-gum pop direction.
- S Club 8 become less annoying as puberty kicks in properly. Dance routines, though, are hampered by self-consciousness.
- Babylon Zoo attempt a comeback as a remarketed Babylon World of Adventure
- We see comebacks for Daphne and Celeste, Living in a Box and Skee-lo.
- Jack White is seen informing the Entire Music Industry that they are "cruising for a bruising".
- Cheeky Girls revealed to be ferrets in disguise.
Friday, January 02, 2004
Simply the Worst?
Last night Channel 4 counted down The 100 Worst Pop Records of all time. Unfortunately there was clearly some mis-communication when this programme was being researched as virtually all the songs selected where fine examples of 3 minute genius. The show was a 3 hour long smug-fest, designed to allow rubbish comedians and commentators the chance to rehash some old jokes and generally make themselves out to be a bunch of arses. Are we really supposed to trust the opinions of people who happily call themselves Jupiter Joy and Diamond Dave? (We realise that we expect you to trust the opinions of someone who happily calls himself Flum, but that's not the point, who's on trial here?!)
Anyway, with this in mind, TiaPL has rather foolishly decided to present to you a complete review of every single track listed in the Top 100, so join us as we present The 100, In General, Actually Rather Good Pop Records of All Time... Ever!
Well done for reaching the end. Have a cookie.
Anyway, with this in mind, TiaPL has rather foolishly decided to present to you a complete review of every single track listed in the Top 100, so join us as we present The 100, In General, Actually Rather Good Pop Records of All Time... Ever!
- 100. Spaceman - Babylon Zoo // Great intro, OK, so the rest of the song doesn't quite live up to that, but it's still an ace track. Failing to have a follow up hit does not make a song bad.
- 99. C'est la Vie - B*witched // We loved B*Witched and had a major crush on Sinead which has now been rekindled thanks to their vid being shown last night. This is a technicolour pop masterpiece which ranks as one of the top pop moments ever. Oh, and it was incredibly rude which is always a good thing as, as every fool knows, all the great pop songs are about sex.
- 98. Rabbit - Chas and Dave // Snooker Loopy was worse than this. Next.
- 97. Do They Know It's Christmas? - Band Aid II // Exactly as bad as the original, so why isn't that on here as well?
- 96. Making Your Mind Up - Bucks Fizz // Fair enough, it's no Land of Make Believe and we would die happy if we never had to see that shot of the skirts getting whipped off again, but this is a decent slice of pop. Being a Eurovision song does not make a song bad.
- 95. Ebeneezer Goode - The Shamen // The Shamen did far worse songs than this in their time, LSI springs immediatly to mind. This one has clearly been included so that the "oh, it's about the evil blood-boiling, mind-fizzing drug ecstacy" argument could get brought up again. No-one was under any illusions that it was about a bloke known as Eezer and quite frankly, Mr C is possibly the best argument for not touching any narcotic substance that the anti-drugs lobby needs.
- 94. My Toot Toot - Denise la Salle // *shrugs* It's not particularly outstanding, but it's hardly anywhere near a list of worst songs ever. Clearly only included because "Toot Toot" might be referring to something a bit rude, thus leading to hilarious responses from the guests. Or not, as the case actually was.
- 93. Ebony And Ivory - Paul McCartney with Stevie Wonder // Actually, this one is dire.
- 92. Vindaloo - Fat Les // Despite our Scottishness, we really like this one, mainly because it is about a thousand and thirty-seven times better than the dull, Del Amitri produced dirges that we send our football team off with.
- 91. I'd Rather Jack - The Reynolds Girls // We'd rather have our own nose cut off and replaced with half a duck's bill than listen to Fleetwood Mac, so we fully support their sentiments.
- 90. MacArthur Park - Richard Harris // This is certainly the best song about soggy bakery that we've ever heard.
- 89. Remember You're A Womble // The Wombles // This is certainly the best song about remembering that you're a womble that we've ever heard.
- 88. Hello - Lionel Richie // Only on the list to give the X-List celebs a chance to slag off the, admittedly piss-poor, video. Having a terrible video does not make a song bad. (Though this song is pretty dire)
- 87. Saturday Night - Whigfield // Simple, fun, and Whiggers, as she was never, ever called, was rather cute. Being a european pop hit does not make a song bad.
- 86. Save Your Love - Rene and Renato // No arguments with this one.
- 85. Love And Tears - Naomi Campbell // If anyone can actually remember how this goes, then feel free to have an opinion on it. We can't.
- 84. Let's Get Ready To Rhumble - PJ and Duncan // Genius from the UK's answer to NWA. If it wasn't for Ant and Dec's current success, this wouldn't even be in the list, but it's there so we can all have a laugh at how they used to look a little bit different, i.e. they were younger. Channel 4, with this level of comedic observation, you're really spoiling us.
- 83. We Built This City - Starship // Oh, for fucks sake, this is pure pop excellence, if you don't like this, your soul lacks glitter and you should have it re-sparkled forthwith.
- 82. Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? - Rod Stewart // This is shit well beyond the call of duty.
- 81. American Pie - Madonna // Madonna has done two good songs in her entire career. This is neither of them.
- 80. So Macho - Sinitta // Not desperately bad, if hardly a shining gem in the pop crown. Not having dated spectacularly well does not make a song bad.
- 79. Love Is All Around - Wet Wet Wet // We hate and detest Wet Wet Wet with a passion normally reserved for people who have 11 items in the 10 items or less queue, but even we'd be hard pushed to list this as one of the worst songs of all time, we can think of at least 5 WWW songs which are worse than this as it is. Being ridiculously overplayed does not make a song bad.
- 78. The Laughing Gnome - David Bowie // We've never actually heard this track. It just gets lazilly referenced by people who don't care about music as a bad track as they've been told it's a bad track.
- 77. I Wanna Sex U Up - Color Me Badd // Lyrically a bit rubbish, but the song as a whole isn't bad, and the "Tick-Tock Get Up..." bit is fab.
- 76. No Limits - 2 Unlimited // Included so that we could all hear the always hilarious "No Lyrics" joke again. once more people ignored the fantastic riff, simple hookiness of the song and the fact that the girl was rather cute.
- 75. Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Middler // We once saw Cannon and Ball do a cover of this song. You can make your own minds up over whether this was an improvement or not.
- 74. Dirrty - Cristina Aguilera - "
" - (We're speechless) - 73. We Will Rock You - Five feat. Queen // This is virtually identical to the original, but you're unlikely to hear anyone calling that the 73rd worst pop song of all time.
- 72. I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper - Sarah Brightman and Hot Gossip // Included so that the commentators could make jokes about the dance routine, completely failing to note that the title of the show included the word records, not "dance routines".
- 71. The Floral Dance - Terry Wogan // This is certainly the best song by Terry Wogan that we've ever heard - the jungle reworking which was released for charity a few years ago was definitely worse than this.
- 70. Cotton Eye Joe - The Rednex // Nope, nothing positive to say about this.
- 69. I Should Be So Lucky - Kylie Minogue // We don't need to even begin to explain why this shouldn't be in here do we? Good.
- 68. Give Me Your Body - The Chippendales // Again, no-one is going to remember this so why on earth is it in the list? Oh yeah, to give the unoriginally opinioned fools the chance to make rubbish jokes about it. Hilarity, once again, failed to ensue.
- 67. We Are The World - USA for Africa // Fair enough
- 66. Doop - Doop // This is great, and you can sing along to it without much mental effort. Hooray! It is also one of only two songs which have been number one where both the artist and the name of the song have been the same, so it's a useful bit of pop trivia.
- 65. Perfect Moment - Martine McCutcheon // About as exciting as watching lager go flat.
- 64. Star Trekkin - The Firm // We loved this when we were young and it still puts a smile on our face now, which is surely what pop should be about?
- 63. We All Stand Together - Paul McCartney and the Frog Chorus // This is maligned mainly becuase of the fact it features frogs. This is great and is about seven hundred and thirty-five times better than anything, excluding Imagine, done by John Lennon (it's seven thousand, three hundred and fifty times better if you include Imagine)
- 62. I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) - Meatloaf // Although it's slightly overwrought and nowhere near as good as Bat Out of Hell, this is not, by any stretch of the imagination, one of the worst songs ever. This was included so that the talking muppets could make jokes about what exactly it was that Meatloaf wouldn't do for love, despite the fact that it is made quite clear in the lyrics that he won't cheat on her. The twats.
- 61. Don't It Make You Feel Good - Stefan Dennis // Better than anything Delta Goodrem's done. Next.
- 60. I Wanna Be A Hippy - Technohead // Some things can't be argued over, though at least it gave us The Smurf's version - I've Got a Little Puppy.
- 59. Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep - Middle of the Road // There is a fantastic, if hard to track down, cover of this song by Lush, so we won't hear a word said against this.
- 58. MmmBop - Hanson // Again, one of the best pop songs ever written, so why on earth was it included? It couldn't have been for such a lazy reason as to allow the chumps on camera to make jokes about fancying Taylor because they thought they were a girl, surely? Oh.
- 57. Every Loser Wins - Nick Berry // Not as good as his cover of Heartbeat, but then, what is? (Answer: Plenty, and more besides)
- 56. Back Home - England World Cup Squad // About a good a song as you'd get if you put a bunch of meat-headed footballers into a recording studio. There are worse examples of the genre than this.
- 55. Mysterious Girl - Peter Andre // Decent enough summery pop tune, if pretty forgettable once Autumn comes. Main reason for being included seems to be that Peter Andre was a bit of a twat, but if we're going to call songs bad because the singer is an arsehole, virtually the entire history of recorded music needs to get cast aside. Having a dick of a frontman does not make a song bad.
- 54. Out Of Your Mind - Truesteppers and Dane Bowers feat. Victoria Beckham // The very definition of mediocre, not the very definition of worst.
- 53. Girl, You Know It's True - Milli Vanilli // Decent enough, Grammy winning pop song, but because Milli and Vanilli didn't actually sing on it, it somehow becomes a bad song. We're sure that there's some sort of logic involved there, but we're buggered if we can see it.
- 52. Dick-A-Dum-Dum (King's Road) - Des O'Connor // Never heard of this before last night, clearly included so the miked-up morons could make some really topical and up-to-date jokes about Des not being a very good singer. Come back Morcambe and Wise, no seriously, even your corpses would be more amusing than this lot.
- 51. I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston // At least they didn't plump for I Wanna Dance With Somebody which is fab.
- 50. Hooray Hooray, It's a Holi-Holiday - Boney M // We have a certain fondness for Boney M as they were number one on the day we were born. Even so, we'd still be hard pushed to give them this one.
- 49. Puppy Love - Donny Osmond // Better than the S Club Juniors' version.
- 48. Grandad - Clive Dunn // Crap, but it's crap for old people, so it doesn't really affect us as it can hardly be described as pop. Next.
- 47. Touch Me (I Want Your Body) - Samantha Fox // Good slice of upbeat eighties pop. Wasn't it amazing that all of the talking heads wanted to comment on the "Like a tramp in the night I'm begging for your love" line? It was almost as if they'd specifically been prompted to do so by the researchers.
- 46. Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice - Along side MC Hammer and Betty Boo, Vanilla Ice is one of the three greatest rappers of all time. Next.
- 45. Chick, Chick, Chicken - Natalie Casey // And who exactly remembers this? That's right, no-one. The only reason it was on the list was because they had Natalie Casey from 'sitcom' Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Please as one of the guests. This meant they could say "Look Natalie! This is when you were a kid singing a song badly, isn't this embarassing?!", to which the correct answer would, of course, be "No, of course it isn't. I was 3 and didn't have much of a choice in the matter.".
- 44. Shaddap You Face - Joe Dolce Music Theatre // This means nothing to me.
- 43. Fog On The Tyne (Revisited) - Gazza and Lindisfarne // Gazza was probably pissed when he recorded this, so it's not fair to slag him off for it, he didn't know what he was doing. Lindisfarne must take all the blame.
- 42. Can We Fix It? - Bob the Builder // Decent enough kids song with a funny video. Presumably the reason this has been included is because of the Milli Vanilli-esque scandal when it was discovered that it wasn't actually Bob doing the singing, but was in fact Neil "DIY obsessed weirdo" Morrisey.
- 41. Unchained Melody - Robson and Jerome // Every version of this song is rubbish, why single out theirs?
- 40. Y Viva Espania - Sylvia // We always thought this was by Jonathon King, it seems somehow improved now that we've discovered it's not.
- 39. Just Say No - Grange Hill Cast // Right... so lets get this straight, Ebeneezer Goode was a bad song because it promoted drug use, yet this is a bad song because it's against it. We're very confused, we'll just have to say "maybe" from now on.
- 38. Boys (Summertime Love) - Sabrina // We always thought this was a Sinitta track. Ah well.
- 37. Macarena - Los Del Rio // Fun, catchy, with a dance routine. It was never gonna change the world, it wasn't even looking for New England, but it was still a good pop tune.
- 36. Believe - Cher // This was pish, but then, it was by Cher, so it's hardly unexpected.
- 35. Long Haired Lover From Liverpool - Little Jimmy Osmond // Nope, nothing positive is coming to mind. Not about this song, though, just in general.
- 34. Lucky - Britney Spears // While we're not exactly Britney's biggest fan in the world, this is from the period when she was actually pretty good. If this was Me Against The Music then we'd be having no words of complaint.
- 33. Diamond Lights - Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle // Again, a song picked by lazy people who haven't actually heard it, but have just heard it's a bad song. Why not get some original opinions? Next.
- 32. Suspicious Minds - Gareth Gates // A rubbish version, but then, so was Elvis'. The only performance of this song of any note is that of Willie Nelson.
- 31. The Birdie Song - The Tweets // The original ambient track, using natural sounds to promote a sense of well-being and happiness. Next.
- 30. Can I Touch You There? - Michael Bolton // Well yeah, his inclusion goes without saying.
- 29. Mama - Who Da Man? - Richard Blackwood // Richard claimed to be the British answer to Will Smith, the question clearly being "What American artist are you the complete opposite to in every way, shape and form?".
- 28. For All Time - Catherine Zeta Jones // Never heard of it, presumably in the list because Miss Zeta-Jones is now a reasonably big star so looking back at a time where she wasn't quite as successful is going to be the funniest thing since a kitten got into a bag and had problems trying to get out again. Apparantly.
- 27. Wannabe - The Spice Girls // This is one of the greatest debut singles of all time, a statement of intent, a shiny bubblegum blitz of joy that makes you sit up and take notice, a song which has few equals and plenty of competitors. So why, in the name of Nicola, is it in a list of worst songs? Is it because they're girls? So therefore must be a bit rubbish according to the male dominated music industry? Is it because their last album was a bit rubbish? Or is, as is most likely, they're all just a bunch of snobs and wouldn't know a decent pop song if it came up to them covered in glitter, shaking a tambourine and singing "This is a great pop song" over a booty shaking beat.
- 26. No Way No Way - Vanilla // Actually, this is probably the reason the Spice Girls were on the list; they encouraged dross like this.
- 25. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion // Surely they could have selected more than one wailing recording of her's to put in the chart?
- 24. The Lady In Red - Chris de Burgh // Again, not really much that can be said to argue against this one. Except possibly that it got it some airplay because of this, thus giving him royalties. And profiting from suffering is clearly wrong.
- 23. Earth Song - Michael Jackson // This shouldn't be in here, it's only him and Lee Ryan that seem to care about the plight of the elephants these days.
- 22. Teletubbies Say 'Eh-Oh' - The Teletubbies // It was released to keep kids happy and make the BBC a bit of cash, thus keeping te license fee down. It's not supposed to be accepted critically or judged on anything other than it's merits as a piece of music that keeps 3yo's (and oh, so witty ironic students) happy. Our opinion of it doesn't matter. Next.
- 21. There's No One Quite Like Grandma - St. Winifred's School Choir // Again, rubbish, but again, music for grannies, so why does it get wheeled out? So that they can get the member of the choir who's become a goth and say "look how she's changed! Isn't this funny?". And again, the answer is "No.".
- 20. Anyone Can Fall In Love - Anita Dobson // Well what can be said about this that hasn't been said before. It's a TV theme, released on public demand, the public wanted it, sod them if they suddenly decide they don't like it. It's their fault, let them live with their decision, don't condone it.
- 19. Living Next Door To Alice (Who The F**k Is Alice) - Smokie feat. Roy 'Chubby' Brown // Well of course this is shit, it features Roy 'Chubby' Brown, a man who brings new meaning to the word "comedian", mainly meanings which obliterate the use of the word 'funny'. This is bought by idiots who think it's hilarious because it has swearing in it and who then go out and buy aprons with blow up boobs on the front and The Star. Twats the lot of them.
- 18. 5,6,7,8 - Steps // Lazy revisionism, everyone loved Steps, they were the biggest selling pop act for years, they also split up on our birthday, the gits. Anyway, this isn't exactly their finest moment, but it's still good, and the lines going into the chorus are fab. They improved dramatically since then, but this would barely trouble the top 1000 worst songs ever, let alone the top 20.
- 17. Who Let The Dogs Out? - Baha Men // A stuid party tune, no pretense at being anything else, it dos what it does well and was mainly annoying because of all the idiots without a brain of their own shouting out the chorus like the mindless zombies that they no doubt are.
- 16. Against All Odds - Mariah Carey and Westlife // OK, so some of the songs on this list do deserve to be here.
- 15. Sacred Trust - One True Voice // It's hard to see this as a specifically bad record, it was a pretty pointless plod through through the garden of the mid-tempo ballad, but it's not one of the worst records ever, if this poll was carried out in a years time, even the fools behind the shortlist would be hard-pressed to include this. The only reason that this is seen as being so bad is because it was outshone by the mighty of Nicola and her Dancers, also known as Girls Aloud, but then, pretty much everything would have come out worse against Sound of the Underground, even something like Betty Boo's Doin' The Do. Let's all just forget about OTV and let them return to their obscurity without another thought. Things like this only make them seem far more important than they actually are.
- 14. (Everything I Do) I Do It For You - Bryan Adams // There are worse examples of the overblown ballad out there than this one, once again, the people involved need to be reminded that a song being overplayed does not make it a bad song.
- 13. Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini - Bombalurina feat. Timmy Mallett // This is certainly the best song about the dangers of skimpy, brightly coloured beach wear that we've ever heard.
- 12. Look At Me - Geri Halliwell // No, no, no, no, no! If this was Bag it Up or My Chico Latino then we could understand it being in here, but this, ignoring the clear ripping-off of The Propellerheads' History Repeating, is fantastic. It's Geri's finest moment, a big "fuck you" to the rest of the Spice Girls who were slipping into bland ballad hell, a song all about her, killing off her alter-ego and coming back stronger. OK, everything she released after this was about as good as slipping on ice and cracking your head, but with this song, for one brief moment she looked like the greatest pop star the world had ever seen.
- 11. Orville's Song - Keith Harris and Orville // Well, Cuddles wasn't on it, so that's something in it's favour, right?
- 10. Jenny From The Block - Jennifer Lopez // As with Colour Me Badd (and this is probably the only time that Miss R-Pez will be compared with them) this is lyrically rather dubious, but an average enough tune, so it hardly deserves to be top ten in any sort of poll ever, no matter how annoying and how bad an actress she is.
- 9. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus // I was once told that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
- 8. Barbie Girl - Aqua // Once again the voting public confuse something that's been specifically crafted to worm it's way into the very centre of your brain and remain there until senility eventually sets in, leading to you spending the rest of your days humming the melody line to yourself like a gibbering fool, with something that's a big pile of steaming rubbish. And it's also exactly the same people who'll slag this off that will go on about how brilliant Turn Back Time, despite the fact that that's far more deserving of a place on this list than Barbie Girl.
- 7. Because We Want To - Billie // Oh, you poor, deluded, musical snobs; this was a great slice of teeny pop, far more relevant to a young adult's life than anything the angsty, indie bands were doing at the same time. As a debut, it again fires a statement of intent that was, admittedly, lost in the waters of her rubbish, pseudo-Britney second album, but was still exciting at the time, and to think that this moment of greatness was eventually followed up with the immense majesty of Honey to the Bee, one of the finest pop moments ever. So why was this included then? Surely not so that the commentators could have a couple of sly digs about the fact she's now married to Chris Evans? Oh, right.
- 6. Mr Blobby - Mr Blobby // Well, on the bright side, it made Noel Edmonds enough money so he could basically retire and keep his bearded face off of our TV screens.
- 5. Fast Food Song - The Fast Food Rockers // Other than the fact we quite fancy one of the members (Hot Dog, in case you're wondering) this has no redeeming features whatsoever. I mean, "Eat to the Beat", for fucks sake.
- 4. Candle In The Wind 1997 - Elton John // *DING DING DING DING* That, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the sound of the Worst Song In The World bell being triggered by the arrival of this, the worst song in the world. We don't think we need to explain why this is so bad, if you're unsure then just listen to it again. It does make us cry when we hear it, but not in a "What a waste of a life" kinda way, more in a "What a waste of plastic" vibe. The thing that is most bothering us though, is not the badness of this, which goes without saying, but that the voting public believe that there are 3 songs worse than this...
- 3. Agadoo - Black Lace // Hmmm, well we're not going to attempt to defend this as a good song, it is, without question, shite, but it does smack of the laziness of this sort of poll and people voting for things just because they've been constantly told it's a bad song. Show some sort of originality in your thought processes, vote for something that you actually think is a bad song, not what you've been culturally brainwashed to believe is a bad one. Odds are a lot of people who voted for it won't have actually heard it in full. Full being very nearly the appropriate word for them.
- 2. The Millennium Prayer - Cliff Richard // A more charitable person might describe Cliff as being a pioneer of the bootlegging craze with this bolted together piece of nonsese. We, on the other hand, would describe it as a travesty of epic proportions and would point out that the words don't even fit the music properly.
- 1. The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum) - The Cheeky Girls // Again, not a song we're going to defend in terms of it's quality; it's the musical equivalent of hammering a nail into your thumb, but this song was never intended to be a great pop song, everyone involves knows its rubbish, the people buying it know it's rubbish and are buying into it in an ironic way. It knows it's place, basically. Surely the worst pop single of all time shoudl be one that doesn't know it's rubbish? One that believes it's a fine example of the genre. To call this the worst pop song is a bit like calling McDonalds the worst example of haute cuisine. No-one told them they'd entered the competion, so it would come as a surprise to find they'd lost. We may dislike the Cheeky Girls and everything they stand for, but they're certainly not the worst example of pop that this country has ever created.
Well done for reaching the end. Have a cookie.
Thursday, January 01, 2004
Past: Tense
Well, another year over, so lets have a look back and see what, if anything, we've achieved over the past 12 months.
Successes
Failures
Happy New Year, everybody
Successes
- Started TiaPL
- Didn't die
- Won Nicola's Shoe
- Completed Tony Hawks 3 on the X-Box
- Didn't murder anyone
- Crossed the road on a number of occasions without getting knocked down, despite the Green Cross Code Man being notable by his absence
- Bought Siobhan Donaghy's album
- Won a pub quiz a few times
- Had a letter printed in the NME
- Was not involved in any way, shape or form with RI:SE
- Washed daily
Failures
- Started TiaPL
- Failed to crack the human genome
- Failed to discover a cure for AIDS
- Failed to discover a cure for any illness, even the minor ones
- Failed to encourage anyone else to by the Siobhan Donaghy album
- Failed to bring about social change via the medium of interpretive dance
- Was a member of One True Voice
- Saw an episode of 2 Pints of lager and a Packet of Crisps Please
- Watched helplessly as the world turned to rack and ruin in the hands of power mad governments
- Enjoyed the debut single from Tommi
Happy New Year, everybody
