Monday, March 29, 2004
Automatic Hiatus
So, with the TiaPL Spleen coming to an end and the revelation that Thoughts of the Pops is pausing for a bit you'd almost be forgiven for thinking that perhaps we're winding down the site, and you'd be kinda right. Tomorrow morning we're getting on a flight to Vancouver and will be spending the next 3 months travelling around the USA and Canada, hopefully having a fun and exciting time, as a result of this the site isn't going to be updated as regularly as not only will we be slightly out of the loop pop-culture wise, but we also think that popping into a web cafe every evening to post up our thoughts on the music scene might be a little bit of a waste of the travelling opportunity.
However, this doesn't mean that the site will die completely. We've set up a second site called For'n in the USA which we're going to try and update weekly with our thoughts and experiences of the trip. Admittedly this probably won't end up being any more profound than "America, it's a bit different to the UK, isn't it?" but we'll try our best. Also, anything pop related we want to write about will still turn up here, albeit on a very irregular basis. We arrive back in the UK on July 7th, so normal service will likely resume shortly afterwards. For now, here's some snippets of pop news that we never got round to covering:-
However, this doesn't mean that the site will die completely. We've set up a second site called For'n in the USA which we're going to try and update weekly with our thoughts and experiences of the trip. Admittedly this probably won't end up being any more profound than "America, it's a bit different to the UK, isn't it?" but we'll try our best. Also, anything pop related we want to write about will still turn up here, albeit on a very irregular basis. We arrive back in the UK on July 7th, so normal service will likely resume shortly afterwards. For now, here's some snippets of pop news that we never got round to covering:-
- McFly finally get round to releasing their debut 5 Colours in her Hair this week. The band, who are in no way being cynically marketed because of their Busted connection, include as a B-Side a cover version of Lola recorded with, ummm, Busted. The song itself seems to be a combination of Electric Six's Gay Bar, The Lemonhead's version of Mrs Robinson and another song which we can't quite place right now, but if you know then, please, leave it in the comment box. Part of us really wants to like it, if only because they break out of the Freak/Fuck substitution straitjacket and instead use Phone in the line "I want to phone her cause she puts me in the mood", but then we see the band and all we can think of is that they're just a bunch of Busted-wannabe cocks, and we really do think that there are better pop bands than Busted to aspire to be.
- Michelle McManus, who won Opportunity Knocks last year, will soon be telling us the Meaning of Love in her new single. It transpires that love is a poor-quality mid-temp ballad. Whoda thunk it?
- Eamon releases Fuck It (Don't Want You Back) at some point in the near future. This song is incredibly dire and only seems to be getting airplay due to the fact it's got some swearing in it, so is therefore a bit controversial. This is nonsense, gratuitous swearing is neither big nor clever, and anyone that thinks it is is a cunt.
- Take Your Mama Out by the Scissor Sisters is released today. We reckon you should all rush out and buy it as it is, quite clearly, as ace as someone dressed as a bumblebee being chased by an actual bumblebee, intent on getting revenge on the mockery of beehood that's in front of him.
- The Sugababes have reached Number 8 with new single, In The Middle. Musically this is great, however the lyrics appear to have been written by a child who's just discovered the concept of rhyming as it happily rhymes Middle with Riddle, Trouble with Bubble, Eleven with Heaven, all before the end of the first verse. Good video, though.
Friday, March 26, 2004
Thoughts of the Pops
For reasons which will become clear this weekend, this'll be the last Top of the Pops review that we'll be doing for a while. So, was our final viewing a fantastic celebration of all that's good about pop in this country, or was it the usual attempt to see just how much of the barrel can be scraped before there's actually no bottom left? Well... lets have a look and see what we learnt from tonight's show:-
- They're running a competition where you get to choose between meeting Beyonce or Blue for your prize. This is a little bit like having to choose between something really excitingly good and, well, Blue.
- The new N*E*R*D single is beginning to grow on us, but we're still unsure of it's lyrical content. Not only does it contain the line "Her ass is a spaceship which I want to ride" - which is hardly up there with "My love is like a red, red rose" - but also, the whole gist of the song with it's "She wants me, I can see it in her eyes" vibe appears to be a side step away from a rapist saying "But she was wearing a short skirt, she was asking for it" and believing it to be a valid defence.
- Alicia Keys needs to learn that having a beautiful, soulful, passionate and emotional voice is all well and good, but it does help to include a memorable tune somewhere along the line.
- Big Brovaz performed with a missing member. He was sacked for his beliefs. He basically believed that smuggling canabis into America, what with it's really lax airport security right now, was a really good idea. This made no noticeable difference to their sound whatsoever, and if we hadn't read about it in the paper we'd never have noticed he was gone.
- Will Young followed one of the golden rules of TotP appearances by having a string section made up entirely of attractive young females.
- Basement Jaxx's performance of Plug It In featured cat noises, an ex-member of N*Sync, spinning mannequins and a redhead in a PVC catsuit. As a result of this it couldn't fail to be anything less than seriously fucking good.
- Usher is number one. He spent part of his performance trying to adjust his face mic to a more comfortable position. Quite why he was bothering given that he was miming will remain one of life's great mysteries.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Sexy, Everything About You So, Etc.
FHM has just published their annual list of the 100 Sexiest Women in the World. Unsurprisingly Nicola Roberts is number one, though there appears to be a misprint as they've managed to misspell "Nicola Roberts" as "Britney Spears", but we're sure that'll be sorted out before the mag goes to press. Other pop positions of note and, indeed, ones that actually exist, include:-
- Rachel Stevens at number 2, showing that her fans still love her flashing her flesh, even if that hasn't exactly translated into record sales. Perhaps the next album she releases should be of the photo variety.
- Jenny Frost somehow managing to scrape in at 68, making her the most attractive of the Atmoic Kitten girls, though to be fair this is a little like being the sexiest Mother Theresa look-a-like. It may be true, but it isn't exactly something to be proud of.
- Jordan, despite the threat of her potential pop career, entering the top ten at number 8, proving that it doesn't matter how much you look like Dean Gaffney, as long as you get a boob job and spend some time in the jungle wearing few clothes, the 14 yo average FHM reader will still think you're sexy, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. This may be something for the real Dean Gaffney to consider.
- Dido featuring at number 89. Oh for fuck's sake.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Infernal Organ
And so, for the final time we connect ourselves up to the blood pump, drink a bottle of Nytol in lieu of anaesthetic and allow the dodgy backstreet surgeon to remove the TiaPL Spleen for one last question. Here it is:-
Dear Spleen,
Whatever happened to my rock and roll?
Bridgey
Well, I think it's very likely that, as with most things you've lost - such as money, keys and tickets to the planetarium (just like seeing the night sky, but inside. Wow!) - it's probably gone through the washing machine and is now all soggy, faded and crumpled inside the pocket of your jeans. For a band such as BRMC the thought of being all washed out and faded and non-black is a nightmare on a par with discovering that their next video involves them dressing up as pink bunny rabbits and dancing with big easter eggs in their hands.
Thanks Spleen! Now, despite us saying that we were only going to answer one question, Miss Bridgey decided to ask another one. Normally we would just ignore it, but we're feeling quite drowsy from the Nytol and it is her birthday, so we'll be nice and allow the Spleen one more chance to shine before he is silenced forever:-
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Bridgey
Because they're vultures hoping that this time the Spleen removal will be a failure and they'll finally get their claws on Flum's carcass. Either that or I'm made of birdseed.
Well, fortunately those vultures won't be pecking at our lifeless body as the Spleen has been returned safely and will now only be dealing with blood filtering instead of pop posers. Thanks to all who submitted questions for the Spleen. Who knows, he may return in the autumn if wehaven't thought of any better ideas feel we've fully recovered from the invasive surgery we've undergone in the name of curiosity satisfying. Remember though, our Spleen was a trained professional, your spleen probably isn't, so no matter how urgent your query may be, keep your organ inside the stomach cavity. If you're daft enough to try and remove your own spleen we don't reckon it'll have much brainpower anyway, so it'd be a pretty pointless exercise.
Dear Spleen,
Whatever happened to my rock and roll?
Bridgey
Well, I think it's very likely that, as with most things you've lost - such as money, keys and tickets to the planetarium (just like seeing the night sky, but inside. Wow!) - it's probably gone through the washing machine and is now all soggy, faded and crumpled inside the pocket of your jeans. For a band such as BRMC the thought of being all washed out and faded and non-black is a nightmare on a par with discovering that their next video involves them dressing up as pink bunny rabbits and dancing with big easter eggs in their hands.
Thanks Spleen! Now, despite us saying that we were only going to answer one question, Miss Bridgey decided to ask another one. Normally we would just ignore it, but we're feeling quite drowsy from the Nytol and it is her birthday, so we'll be nice and allow the Spleen one more chance to shine before he is silenced forever:-
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Bridgey
Because they're vultures hoping that this time the Spleen removal will be a failure and they'll finally get their claws on Flum's carcass. Either that or I'm made of birdseed.
Well, fortunately those vultures won't be pecking at our lifeless body as the Spleen has been returned safely and will now only be dealing with blood filtering instead of pop posers. Thanks to all who submitted questions for the Spleen. Who knows, he may return in the autumn if we
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Material Girl
Madonna has announced that she's going to be doing a world tour later this year. We, as we've said before, don't rate Madonna much - particularly as she's now in her "Granny trying to be down with the kids" phase, desperately reaching out and trying to claw back as many cool points that she possibly can - but we felt that this was worthy of a mention because of the prices she's charging. She seems to believe that £50 for the cheap seats is a good price. Now, here at TiaPL we're no strangers to paying ridiculous amounts of money for pop related experiences - our collection of Lush memorabilia and trips to London to see one-off gigs atest to that - but even we'd draw the line at paying that for crap seats at the back of the arena, no matter who we were going to see, even a solo Nicola performance involving items of clothing being removed. Well, that's probably a lie, we'd sell our own kidneys to see Nicola remove items of clothing, but for that sort of price we'd expect to be front row centre and be allowed to take a video camera in with us.
The most worrying thing about this whole thing is not the prices she's charging, but the fact that people will pay it. Especially as rumours are already flying around that this will be a greatest hits show, although similar rumours abounded about the Drowned World tour and in the end all that involved was a piss-poor version of Holiday and Madonna arseing around on a pneumatic bull. Given that all the set-list rumours we've heard have yet to involve the words "Dear" and "Jessie", we can safely say that the show will be something less than essential.
If you do, however, decide to go, then we wish you luck and hope you feel that your money is well spent. We'd also like to suggest that you buy a copy of Atomic Kitten's Greatest Hits, as you clearly have more money than sense.
The most worrying thing about this whole thing is not the prices she's charging, but the fact that people will pay it. Especially as rumours are already flying around that this will be a greatest hits show, although similar rumours abounded about the Drowned World tour and in the end all that involved was a piss-poor version of Holiday and Madonna arseing around on a pneumatic bull. Given that all the set-list rumours we've heard have yet to involve the words "Dear" and "Jessie", we can safely say that the show will be something less than essential.
If you do, however, decide to go, then we wish you luck and hope you feel that your money is well spent. We'd also like to suggest that you buy a copy of Atomic Kitten's Greatest Hits, as you clearly have more money than sense.
Monday, March 22, 2004
It's OK
We're giving you advance warning on this one, it's not out until April 5th, but forewarned is forearmed and all that. The shock of seeing this in the stroes unexpectedly might well cause a wave of disbelief to wash over you that is so strong you begin to doubt the reality in which you live, because, yes, this is the incredibly poorly designed cover to the slightly optimistic release of Atomic Kitten's Greatest Hits. Note that for legal reasons it's not called "The Best Of", though we feel that even it's current title is pushing things somewhat and "Singles Collection" might have been a better way of staying on the the right side of the trades description act. We also feel that they might well increase sales if they played down the fact that it includes the singles "Eternal Flame" and "Tide is High", unless they're banking on people thinking that they contain the original hits, rather than the diluted with urine versions that appear on here.
We don't exactly see this album being a best-seller, mainly because if you want to pick up the best of Atomic Kitten you'd be better off buying either their debut album or just getting a copy of the I Want Your Love single, both of which are much better and actually have photos of the girls looking attractive on the front cover. The ones on this inessential release simply scream out "I'm holding this smile for five more seconds only and then you'd better give me my bloody money.". As we've said before, they were better when Kerry was in the band. Strange as it may seem, she really did seem to be the brains of the operation. Still, the Witches of Panstick are pretty much gone now, and they'll never trouble our nightmares again with their mid-tempo balladary and increasingly desperate attempts to appear sexy yet stylish. Not unless they decide to curse us with 3 solo careers. Noooo! The horror! The unspeakable horror!
Sunday, March 21, 2004
Thoughts of the Pops
It's Mothering Sunday today and, in a bid to divest us of our hard earned pennies, many stores have displays of suitable gifts for the female parent in your life. While in our local Virgin, we noticed that their display consisted of CD's by bands and artists such as Blue, Westlife, Jamie Cullum, Norah Jones and Katie Melua. As a result of this we can only aassume that whoever designed that display really hates their mother. Speaking of hate, here's what we learnt from Friday's Top of the Pops:-
- Instead of releasing Love is Only a Feeling as their new single, The Darkness should really have released Friday Night, either that or a cover of The Smiths' That Joke isn't Funny Any More.
- The Pet Shop Boys aren't as good as they used to be, but they still managed to piss all over everything else on the show.
- G-Unit want to get to know us. The feelings aren't reciprocated, and besides, can two people really be called a unit? We'd say they're more suited to being called a couple, and given Mr Cent's comments in Playboy recently, we'd like to annoy him by saying that they make a very cute couple indeed.
- According to no less an authority than Tim Kash, ahem, Breathe Easy by Blue is the highlight of their latest album. If that's true then we dread to think what the rest of it sounds like.
- Fountains of Wayne's new single isn't as good as Radiation Vibe, but is better than Denise, thus proving conclusively that songs about nuclear by-products are better than ones featuring girl's names.
- D12's new single, My Band, is a song about people only fancying Eminem because he's the lead rapper in D12. This is presumably as opposed to the reality of the situation which is that people fancy him because he's Eminem. Still, it's not too bad a tune. We do note that once again Eminem has taken hold of the opportunity to dress up like a lady in the video, not that this is something he's desperately fond of doing, oh no.
- We still haven't decided if we fancy Fergie from Black Eyed Peas yet or not. On the one hand she does have a great body, indulges in some fine booty shaking and wears a pleasingly short skirt in the latest video, but on the other she does have the cold dead eyes of a killer and we imagine that this would prove to be somewhat off putting in the long run.
- DJ Casper is at number one. Oh for fuck's sake.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
A New Gig Planned
We're off out tonight to see Billy Bragg, not literally - it's the leftwing protest singerTM we're off to see, although there may well be some chest beating going on as he certainly has a lot to be proud about, in particular, A New England, Sexuality and the line "You're a dedicated swallower of fascism" from Accident Waiting to Happen. We reckon this gig will be very ace indeed, and are looking forward to seeing the 'interestingly' voiced Essex troubadour almost as much as we're looking forward to seeing the sad looks on Clea's faces when they finally get dropped.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Infernal Organ
Mr Bestworst got in touch to ask "When will I, will I be famous?". Now we can't, we can't answer that. But we do know someone, or something rather, that can. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome The TiaPL Spleen.
Everyone, as any idiot without an original thought in their head will tell you, will be famous for fifteen minutes. Or so Andy Warhol said, but what did he know? He thought Curiosity Killed the Cat were one of the greatest pop groups ever, so we can safely discount his opinion. Fame is a hunger though, which we all seem to crave. We all want to be recognised for something, anything, but preferably involving as little effort as possible. Some people enter reality shows, some people act like twats in front of the camera on live news reports, some people post up their insignificant opinions about pop on weblogs, but they all share the same desire for attention and love.
Fame can come in many forms though and can arrive quite unexpectedly. For example, Lord Brockett, a convicted fraudster, is now the toast of Britain after his appearance in I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here helped rehabilitate his damaged profile. It'll be interesting to see how the public react to Maxine Carr when she tries the same tactic for the next series.
But as for when you will be famous, it'll be very soon, as long as you're preared to start paying us in fame juice - i.e. sweat. Oh, and money. If you send a bucket of sweat with your credit card floating in it then I shall make you as famous as it is possible for a spleen to make you. My idea is to sell to the tabloids the story of a young man who managed to exude a bucket's worth of sweat, then foolishly sent his credit-card details to a completely fictional internal organ. I reckon that that'll certainly get you noticed as you walk around your hometown; the pointing fingers and hysterical laughter that will follow you as you go may well put you off the idea of fame forever. Or at least encourage you to wear blinkers and earplugs.
Thanks once again Spleen. For medical reasons we've been told that we're only allowed to have our spleen removed one more time, so the very last question for our animate organ will be answered next week. Until then we're going to hold our side very carefully and wish for the nasty pain to stop and for the oozing to stop.
Everyone, as any idiot without an original thought in their head will tell you, will be famous for fifteen minutes. Or so Andy Warhol said, but what did he know? He thought Curiosity Killed the Cat were one of the greatest pop groups ever, so we can safely discount his opinion. Fame is a hunger though, which we all seem to crave. We all want to be recognised for something, anything, but preferably involving as little effort as possible. Some people enter reality shows, some people act like twats in front of the camera on live news reports, some people post up their insignificant opinions about pop on weblogs, but they all share the same desire for attention and love.
Fame can come in many forms though and can arrive quite unexpectedly. For example, Lord Brockett, a convicted fraudster, is now the toast of Britain after his appearance in I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here helped rehabilitate his damaged profile. It'll be interesting to see how the public react to Maxine Carr when she tries the same tactic for the next series.
But as for when you will be famous, it'll be very soon, as long as you're preared to start paying us in fame juice - i.e. sweat. Oh, and money. If you send a bucket of sweat with your credit card floating in it then I shall make you as famous as it is possible for a spleen to make you. My idea is to sell to the tabloids the story of a young man who managed to exude a bucket's worth of sweat, then foolishly sent his credit-card details to a completely fictional internal organ. I reckon that that'll certainly get you noticed as you walk around your hometown; the pointing fingers and hysterical laughter that will follow you as you go may well put you off the idea of fame forever. Or at least encourage you to wear blinkers and earplugs.
Thanks once again Spleen. For medical reasons we've been told that we're only allowed to have our spleen removed one more time, so the very last question for our animate organ will be answered next week. Until then we're going to hold our side very carefully and wish for the nasty pain to stop and for the oozing to stop.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Good Will, Umm, Something.
If you click here you'll be able to listen to Will Young doing a cover of Outkast's Hey Ya, and we strongly urge you to do so as it's rather fab. We've been reassessing our opinion of Will recently , we originally put him in the cupboard marked "Dull, big-chinned singer who wouldn't know a good pop tune if it came up and shook him by the hand wearing a t-shirt bearing the slogan 'I'm a good pop tune'" (We have very wide cupboards at TiaPL towers). In there he only had Bruce Forsyth for company, and Bruce's presense was more of a preemptive strike to be honest. After hearing Leave Right Now we began to suspect that there might actually be some talent lurking there, however, there was a certain Dido-esque element to the tune, so we weren't too sure about offering Will the full weight of our support. That was until we heard Your Game, a piece of widescreen pop so fantastic it makes us want to swallow our pride, admit we were wrong and say "Hell, we want to get his album". Will is ace, and has not only been set free from the cupboard of rubbishness, but also added to the list of The 117 Acest Things in the World...Ever as an apology.
Will, we salute you, but we still won't forgive you for the incredibly dire Evergreen, no matter how ace your new stuff may be.
Will, we salute you, but we still won't forgive you for the incredibly dire Evergreen, no matter how ace your new stuff may be.
Monday, March 15, 2004
Somebody (i.e. Us) Told You
This is the new single by The Killers, it's called Somebody Told Me and is out today. It's the best thing that's been released this year by a long shot so we reckon you should all go and buy it. It's a synthy/guitarry pop gem that basically sounds like what Phixx should be sounding like right now if they'd decided to follow up the Prefab-Sprout-mixed-with-Duran-Duran fabness of Hold on Me with something that was actually good. Instead, however, they decided that it'd be a much better idea to arse around in vampire costumes and release the frankly poor Love Revolution. We despair at the decisions made for pop bands in this country, we really do.
Anyway, as we said, Somebody Told Me is as ace as licking batteries and gives twice as many thrills, so make your way to your local record emporium and buy it. You'll feel better afterwards, and you'd probably only waste the money on cake anyway, so everyone wins. Apart from the cake shop man, obviously.
Saturday, March 13, 2004
Thoughts of the Pops
Splitting news seems to be the theme of this week, as we have even more break-up related info to bring you. It seems that the lovely Nicola Roberts has finally taken notice of the letters we've been sending her and realised that her boyfriend wasn't good enough for her, so is now single. See, we knew that once we startd writing them in our own blood she'd realise how important they were. Now all we need to do is wait for our restraining order to run out and we can finally make her our bride. We've already faked the wedding photo's and everything. Anyway, so happy were we at this news that not even watching Top of the Pops could bring us down, could it? Here's what we learnt from this weeks show:-
- Cha Cha Slide by DJ Casper may well be the worst song ever, though it is good to see that Mr Motivator still has something approaching a career.
- Nelly Furtado is, like, a bird. Her new single is nice enough, but ultimately is as forgettable as the taste of icicles.
- Anastasia has a new single out called Left Outside Alone. In this the indeterminately gendered singer has decided to go a bit rocky. This is signified by the fact that the guitarist has 'interesting' facial hair and a tattoo. This song is better than her previous efforts, but that's not exactly a glowing recommendation.
- The new single by Janet Jackson is rubbish, this isn't exactly a surprise as Janet has only ever done one good thing in her entire career - the intro to All For You. We were more diappointed that her new single didn't have the same name as the Anastasia one, as we would have made a joke about the fact it was her right boob that was outside alone, not her left one. An opportunity missed, we feel.
- We're quite glad that the new Blink 182 single features high level of whinyness, as otherwise we'd probably really like it, and the shame which that would bring would be far too much to cope with.
- We have absolutely no opinion on FYA ft Smujji whatsoever.
- Britney is at number one. Hooray! To celebrate TotP showed the same dodgily mimed performance they had a few weeks ago. It hasn't really improved. We do quite fancy the red headed dancer though, which probably won't come as a huge surprise to anyone.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Situation's Heavy
Rumours are abounding that the Sugababes are about to split up. To be honest, this isn't really news as rumours that the Sugababes are about to split up abound more often than a particularly rubberised bouncy ball. This one is a little interesting though, as apparantly it's Keisha who's being made the outsider while new girl Heidi and mekon foreheaded Mutya are getting on like a house which, if not on fire, at least has the central heating turned up pretty high. This is in marked difference to the behaviour which forced the lovely Siobhan Donaghy (her incredibly ace album Revolution in Me is no doubt still availiable, you just might need to really dig down to the bottom of the bargain bin to find it) out of the band. That time, Mutya and Keisha sided together against the the flame haired beauty, even coming up with their own code to keep her out of their conversations and allowing them to mock her even when she was sitting next to them. Of course, we say 'code', what it actually consisted of was the two of them adding the word "ski" to the end of every word and talking fast, a tactic not seen since Sean Connery attempted a russian accent in The Hunt for Red October.
But that was then, and we all know the unfortunate consequences of those actions, though the bright side must be that it saved Heidi from ever reaching such a low-ebb that she might even start to regret that she never made it into Atomic Kitten. This, however, is now, so what is the likelyhood of the tale being true? Well, dragging it into the realms of nonsense on a par with the idea of naturally purple cats is the fact that it was reported by The Mirror's 3AM Girls. Even if they were to carry a report that simply stated that Sugababes were a girl band, we'd still be asking for gyneacological proof before we'd take it as a fact, something which would probably be wise in Mutya's case. Pulling the tale into the realms of believability though, is the fact that the cancelled gig, which was the excuse for this story in the first place, was pulled due to laryngitis, the most rubbish of all pop excuses.
We reckon the 'babes will stay together for at least one more album. On the other hand, we do like the possibility of Keisha leaving and a new member joining, as this leads to the possibility that in the future there could be a touring version of the Sugababes with no original members whatsoever; a little bit like David van Day's Bucks Fizz, and, as we're sure you'll agree, a Sugababe version of Land of Make Believe would probably knock even the allSTARS version into a cocked hat, whatever one of those might be.
But that was then, and we all know the unfortunate consequences of those actions, though the bright side must be that it saved Heidi from ever reaching such a low-ebb that she might even start to regret that she never made it into Atomic Kitten. This, however, is now, so what is the likelyhood of the tale being true? Well, dragging it into the realms of nonsense on a par with the idea of naturally purple cats is the fact that it was reported by The Mirror's 3AM Girls. Even if they were to carry a report that simply stated that Sugababes were a girl band, we'd still be asking for gyneacological proof before we'd take it as a fact, something which would probably be wise in Mutya's case. Pulling the tale into the realms of believability though, is the fact that the cancelled gig, which was the excuse for this story in the first place, was pulled due to laryngitis, the most rubbish of all pop excuses.
We reckon the 'babes will stay together for at least one more album. On the other hand, we do like the possibility of Keisha leaving and a new member joining, as this leads to the possibility that in the future there could be a touring version of the Sugababes with no original members whatsoever; a little bit like David van Day's Bucks Fizz, and, as we're sure you'll agree, a Sugababe version of Land of Make Believe would probably knock even the allSTARS version into a cocked hat, whatever one of those might be.
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
Bryan, Without Things
You know, had we been a bit more on the ball, we could have titled yesterday's piece "Fools", and then had this piece titled "Fools, again", rather than the frankly dire effort we've gone for. Anyway, this is an update on what actually happened at the Westlife press conference today. As it turned out, there was no mention of penises, though one cock did feature prominently. Yes, it was announced that Bryan Katona is leaving the band and all at once an almighty shrug of indifference shook the nation.
So, what next for Bryan. Fortunately for the non-deaf sections of the population a solo career seems unlikely, though we'd hapily put money on a duet between him and his wife Kerry "You can take the girl out of the council estate..." Katona being released for the charity market sooner rather than later. He may begin songwriting, something which is not necessarily a bad thing, depending on exactly how much involvement he had in the very ace indeed Girls Allowed from the Girls Aloud album. Though, to be honest, we reckon he came up with the title and then buggered off home to catch Today with Des and Mel. Miss Smudge reckons that he's going to buy up Leeds football club - an idea given credence by the fact that they released Seasons in the Sun, even if the Sun isn't exactly somewhere where Leeds find themselves in very often, except under headlines featuring words such as "Bankruptcy", "Racism" and "Lost". We, on the other hand, think that he's far more likely to open up a nationwide chain of pie shops, called Bryan McFatten's. After all, he does have a lot of expertise in that area.
So, what next for Bryan. Fortunately for the non-deaf sections of the population a solo career seems unlikely, though we'd hapily put money on a duet between him and his wife Kerry "You can take the girl out of the council estate..." Katona being released for the charity market sooner rather than later. He may begin songwriting, something which is not necessarily a bad thing, depending on exactly how much involvement he had in the very ace indeed Girls Allowed from the Girls Aloud album. Though, to be honest, we reckon he came up with the title and then buggered off home to catch Today with Des and Mel. Miss Smudge reckons that he's going to buy up Leeds football club - an idea given credence by the fact that they released Seasons in the Sun, even if the Sun isn't exactly somewhere where Leeds find themselves in very often, except under headlines featuring words such as "Bankruptcy", "Racism" and "Lost". We, on the other hand, think that he's far more likely to open up a nationwide chain of pie shops, called Bryan McFatten's. After all, he does have a lot of expertise in that area.
Monday, March 08, 2004
Fools, again
Despite the fact that this seemed as impossible as persuading a cat that 3AM is not a good time for miaow practice, things are getting exciting in the Westlife camp. Tomorrow at 1PM the boys in the band will be giving a press conference about something relating to the future of the band. The more optimistic of us are no doubt hoping that they'll be announcing that even they have got bored of constantly releasing the same song, but with slightly different words, and have decided to stop inflicting their unexciting brand of 'music' upon the nation. In a perfect world, this would be true, but then, in a perfect world we'd never even have heard of the ugly Irishmen in the first place so that idea can go straight out of the window. It's very unlikely that this'll be the case as Westlife's sales have remained as high as their music has remained unadventurous, and given we doubt they're in it for the joy of making music, we feel that they'll stay together for as long as they sell records.
So, what could this press conference be about then? Some people suggest it's an announcement of one member's homosexuality, others suggest that one member might be about to leave, though we're not totally convinced it's possible to tell the difference between the members, so we can't see anyone really bothering about that. We feel it's far more likely that they're going to announce that neither of them possesses a penis, and that they have to urinate via a complicated funnel and tap system. If true, it would certainly explain a lot.
So, what could this press conference be about then? Some people suggest it's an announcement of one member's homosexuality, others suggest that one member might be about to leave, though we're not totally convinced it's possible to tell the difference between the members, so we can't see anyone really bothering about that. We feel it's far more likely that they're going to announce that neither of them possesses a penis, and that they have to urinate via a complicated funnel and tap system. If true, it would certainly explain a lot.
Sunday, March 07, 2004
The Peter Andurance Test
Availiable now in all good record shops (and no doubt a few crappy ones) is The Very Best of Peter Andre, an album that has in no way been rush released to capitalise on the brief, pottasium in water-like, re-ignition of the flame of his fame. Peter only released two albums and this compliation is 18 tracks and 78 minutes long, so it strikes us that this is less a carefully selected collection of tunes and more his entire recorded works. It's certainly a lot of Andre for your money, perhaps too much, which is why we've taken it upon ourselves to listen to the entire album and tell you just how good the very best of Mr Andre actually is. We feel we should point out that even though we've done this and we also watch Top of the Pops each week, we're not masochists, we just do it so that you don't have to. Anyway, here's your track by track guide to this years most inessential album.- Mysterious Girl // This summer tinged piece of reggae-lite is still a fab smiley piece of music. Some people are claiming that this is only a hit because of the novelty value of it, but this is nonsense. Yes, it's a hit again thanks to I'm a Celebrity..., but it's number one because it's a damn good pop song and has a joyfulness which is missing from a lot of current pop. If it was purely down to novelty, surely The Jungle Boys would have been equally successful?
- Flava // Sounds a little bit like MN8's I've Got a Little Something For You, it's also rather fab. This has also been mocked for it's lack of 'authenticity', but who cares? Being 4 Real in pop is about as important as which hand you use to write with.
- Gimme Little Sign/ PS I'm Gonna Get To You // Without any overexageration or hyperbole (NOTE: Writer prone to both overexageration and hyperbole) this is one of the best pop songs we've ever heard; it's an upbeat horn driven slice of excellence that exudes genius like a snail exudes slime. It's let down by a sax solo, but other than that it's as close to perfection as can be found.
- All Night All Right // Starts well with a "Hey Badda Badda, Hey Badda Badda, Hey" bit, before disolving into a standard R&B number. It features a rap by Warren G which clearly took less time to write than it did to perform. *SKIP*
- To The Top // This is very Everybody (Backstreet's Back) by the Backstreet Boys esque. So it's therefore quite good, but mainly serves to remind you just how excellent Everybody (Backstreet's Back) by the Backstreet Boys is.
- Let's Get It On // In which Mr Andre gets sexual. To this end he opens the track by singing "We're moving and grooving and humping and pumping". Oh dear. *SKIP*
- Natural // We preferred S Club 7's version, mainly because it had a different beat, melody, lyric and was actually a good song. *SKIP*
- Rest of My Life // Aargh! A ballad! Run away, run away! *SKIP*
- I Feel You // Another ballad, which somehow manages to be even worse than the last. Peter asks "Why are you running away from my love?", the answer clearly being that the lady in question was so embarassed by the previous song that he wrote for her. *SKIP*
- Kiss The Girl // As featured in The Little Mermaid. This song features the line "Sha-la-la-la, My Oh My", but sounds nothing like you'd expect a song featuring that line to sound like. Instead it is another ballad, but this time it's of the mid-tempo variety, clearly marking himself out as a man of many and varied talents.
- The Tracks of my Tears // Cover of the Smokey Robinson song. During a boring night shift, we once spent the entire time thinking up puns based on this song, for example:- What exise duty does Smokey Robinson hate the most? The tax on his beer. Why won't Smokey Robinson tell his mates something embarassing? 'Cause he can't stand the cracks of his peers. Of all the instruments that Smokey Robinson is scared of, which one is he most afraid of? The sax of his fears. What does Smokey Robinson keep in his tool shed? The stacks of his shears. Etc. This has little to do with the version on this album, which is a poor performance of the original, but by publishing them on here, we now feel that those long hours weren't wasted.
- Lonely // Another sodding ballad. It can remain lonely as we don't plan on spending any more time with it. *SKIP*
- Best of Me // It's not a ballad! Hooray! We were actually hoping that this track would be really rubbish, so that we could say "Never has a track been so badly misnamed". As it is though, it's not the best, but compared to the last few tracks we've had to trawl through, it briefly seemed like it was one of the greatest songs ever written. Thankfully though, this passed.
- All About Us // This is teflon music, it passes straight through the ears without sticking to any part of the brain whatsoever.
- Funky Junky // This is not from the Trainspotting soundtrack. The chorus has the line "Let's do the funky junky", presumably this means that Peter wants to have sex with a foul smelling drug addict. Whatever rocks your boat, we guess.
- Only One // Calling a track Only One implies that it's going to be a unique piece of music, something unlike anything you've ever heard before. In this case, there's only one word that can be used to describe this - generic. *SKIP*
- Turn it Up // Peter once again turns his attention to the ladies, informing one such girl during the chorus "You got it going on, I wanna turn you on". Unfortunately for him, this offer is clearly turned down as he later casts his net a bit wider and tells us that "All the ladies got it going on", much in the manner of a drunk man in a dodgy provincal night club at the end of the night who's beginning to worry that he's going to be going home alone and is of the mindset that anyone will do as long as they're vaguely girl shaped.
- Get Down On It // This is a cover of the Kool and the Gang song and is virtually the same as the original but with a different singer. What's the point? *SKIP*
In other Andre-related news, Miss Bridgetta has asked that Bubbler Ranx gets included in the 117 Acest Things in the World... Ever!. Now, this list has been carefully worked out via scientific means, every item in it has been worked out well in advance involving a strcit measuring system and some boiling entrails. We can't just add items based on whims and who's briefly enjoying their time in the sun. But then, she did say please, so ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for Mr Ranx's number 12 position in the list.
Why is he ace? Partly because despite the fact that he's never done anything else apart from the rap on Mysterious Girl, people still remember him. Partly because he was clearly having the time of his life on Top of the Pops on Friday. But it's mainly because when he does the rap in the song and gets to the "I feel ten feet tall" line rather than doing what anyone else would have done to signify an increase in height, which would be to jump, he hunkers down instead, presumably to give the audience an idea of what it would be like to be a bit taller than they actually are. For that, and for the "shine like a looking glass" line, Mr Ranx fully deserves his place in the list.
Friday, March 05, 2004
Thoughts of the Pops
What did we learn from tonight's Top of the Pops? Well, not a great deal to be honest, as this evening's effort was one of the worst we've had to endure in all our years of watching the show. Someone, somewhere decided that the sort of line-up guaranteed to have ratings soaring includes Westlife, Beenie Man, Vs and Enrique "sodding" Inglesias. In what deluded mind does that make sense? Surely someone could have sat down, looked at that list and said, "Hang on a sec, this is a bit shit, maybe we shoudl try and get someone who's actually good booked". When you begin looking forward to an Usher performance you know things are looking about as good as discovering that you've had "Kick Me" tattooed on your back during a drunken night out.
Highlight of the show was, once again, Peter Andre (There'll be a special Peter Andre feature appearing on TiaPL this weekend, not that we're ones to desperately cling on to a bandwagon just as it's about to crash into the mountain of disinterest. No. Definitely not.). This was partly down to the fact that he is clearly having the time of his life being a popstar again, but mainly due to the fact that Bubbler Ranx has been found and was live in the studio with him. This reunion makes us as excited as Ronan Keating gets when he's told he can have a whole leg of lamb if he just sings one song. At this rate Reel 2 Reel will get back in touch with the Mad Stuntman and heart felt hymns to the joys of gyrating will be heard once again.
Highlight of the show was, once again, Peter Andre (There'll be a special Peter Andre feature appearing on TiaPL this weekend, not that we're ones to desperately cling on to a bandwagon just as it's about to crash into the mountain of disinterest. No. Definitely not.). This was partly down to the fact that he is clearly having the time of his life being a popstar again, but mainly due to the fact that Bubbler Ranx has been found and was live in the studio with him. This reunion makes us as excited as Ronan Keating gets when he's told he can have a whole leg of lamb if he just sings one song. At this rate Reel 2 Reel will get back in touch with the Mad Stuntman and heart felt hymns to the joys of gyrating will be heard once again.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Studt Up Shop
Amy Studt has been dropped.
Please, can we have a moments silence for the girl who was universally known as the less-successful Avril Lavigne.
*cough* (shh!)
Yes, it's true, Amy has been let go (this would have been a better line had it been the actual Avril who'd been dropped). It seems she was considered a misfit (Hey! We're trying here) and is now surplus to requirements. This upsets us as we really liked Amy, False Smiles is a great album and, as anyone with ears will tell you, Ladder in my Tights has number 1 written all over it. Or at least it does on our copy, but that's what you get for letting small children with crayons near your CD collection.
So, what does this mean in terms of the bigger picture? Well, not a lot really, it's just another sign that record companies aren't interested in pop that doesn't offer an immediate return on their investment. Amy was already living on borrowed time after the relative failure (Number 14) of Just a Little Girl, so it was only really a question of waiting for the knives to be sharpened. The unexpected release of her All I Wanna Do cover, while better than we expected, was clearly a last gasp effort to increase sales of the album. It didn't work, so she now goes off to join the queue of Brit girl pop failures lining up next to Siobhan Donaghy, another girl who we expected big things of, but has ultimately ended up picking at scraps in the dustbin of success. With this track record, perhaps we should think about becoming a Dido fan.
Please, can we have a moments silence for the girl who was universally known as the less-successful Avril Lavigne.
*cough* (shh!)
Yes, it's true, Amy has been let go (this would have been a better line had it been the actual Avril who'd been dropped). It seems she was considered a misfit (Hey! We're trying here) and is now surplus to requirements. This upsets us as we really liked Amy, False Smiles is a great album and, as anyone with ears will tell you, Ladder in my Tights has number 1 written all over it. Or at least it does on our copy, but that's what you get for letting small children with crayons near your CD collection.
So, what does this mean in terms of the bigger picture? Well, not a lot really, it's just another sign that record companies aren't interested in pop that doesn't offer an immediate return on their investment. Amy was already living on borrowed time after the relative failure (Number 14) of Just a Little Girl, so it was only really a question of waiting for the knives to be sharpened. The unexpected release of her All I Wanna Do cover, while better than we expected, was clearly a last gasp effort to increase sales of the album. It didn't work, so she now goes off to join the queue of Brit girl pop failures lining up next to Siobhan Donaghy, another girl who we expected big things of, but has ultimately ended up picking at scraps in the dustbin of success. With this track record, perhaps we should think about becoming a Dido fan.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Round Up (Like a Record, Baby)
Well, what an exciting few days in pop it's been, and by 'exciting' we mean pretty non-eventuful really. Lisa Scott-Lee has been dropped by her record label, news which would interest us more if we'd ever actually heard any of her solo stuff. As it was the only reason we knew she was still desperately trying to hang on to a solo career, in much the same way a dog holds onto a rubber bone, was that we'd continually see pictures of her in increasing states of undress in a bid to maintain interest. It's probably a good thing that she has been dropped really, as, barring entering the realms of gyneacololgy, she was running out of bits to show the tabloid reading public.
In other pop girl news, Louise is apparantly pregnant. We never quite 'got' Louise. Yes, Eternal were in their 'quite good' phase when she was a member, and Naked was a decent enough pop tune, but nothing else she's done is even memorable, except for her cover of Stuck in the Middle With You, but that was memorable in the bad sense of the word. She wasn't as attractive as Sky magazine seemed to think she was either.
Elsewhere, we notice that Vs, who we pronounce as Versus, just to annoy them, have entered the top ten with their new single Love You Like Mad. Vs are managed by Simon from Blue, in much the same way that Ronan Keating managed Westlife or that Ronald McDonald is Vice Executive in Charge of Acquisitions for McDonalds. Appropriately enough though, they do sound a bit like Blue, that is, if Blue somehow managed to be even worse than they already are, which is something of a feat to be honest.
Oh, and apparantly Britney Spears has a new single out today. You probably won't have noticed though, given she's done very little promotion for it. Apart from appearing on every single TV programme... ever, to be honest. We half expect to see her perform an impromptu gig during the 6 O'clock news, so desperate is she for it to be a hit. Still, it is quite a good song, certainly the best thing she's done since ...Baby, One More Time, so she probably deserves it. We'd rather see Chicks on Speed get a hit, but there's more chance of us writing a piece without any spelling mistakes than that happening.
In other pop girl news, Louise is apparantly pregnant. We never quite 'got' Louise. Yes, Eternal were in their 'quite good' phase when she was a member, and Naked was a decent enough pop tune, but nothing else she's done is even memorable, except for her cover of Stuck in the Middle With You, but that was memorable in the bad sense of the word. She wasn't as attractive as Sky magazine seemed to think she was either.
Elsewhere, we notice that Vs, who we pronounce as Versus, just to annoy them, have entered the top ten with their new single Love You Like Mad. Vs are managed by Simon from Blue, in much the same way that Ronan Keating managed Westlife or that Ronald McDonald is Vice Executive in Charge of Acquisitions for McDonalds. Appropriately enough though, they do sound a bit like Blue, that is, if Blue somehow managed to be even worse than they already are, which is something of a feat to be honest.
Oh, and apparantly Britney Spears has a new single out today. You probably won't have noticed though, given she's done very little promotion for it. Apart from appearing on every single TV programme... ever, to be honest. We half expect to see her perform an impromptu gig during the 6 O'clock news, so desperate is she for it to be a hit. Still, it is quite a good song, certainly the best thing she's done since ...Baby, One More Time, so she probably deserves it. We'd rather see Chicks on Speed get a hit, but there's more chance of us writing a piece without any spelling mistakes than that happening.
