Sunday, January 02, 2011
Predictive Texting
(If you're reading this, SHHH! We're not officially back, just thinking about it, For the next month or so we're going to try writing some stuff for the site and see whether our enthusiasm for actually relaunching the site wanes with the reality of actually thinking of funny things to say. This way if it's a disaster then only we'll know about it and can happily pretend the whole sorry affair hasn't happened. So, y'know, keep it under your hat. Ta!)
It is, once again, the future. And with the prospects of massive unemployment, hitherto unknown levels of cuts and belt tightening on the sort of scale that is likely to split the skinniest of celebs into two separate entities, a bit like a worm, 2011 is looking about as glittering as Jedward's awards cabinet. But even if things are looking as bright as the combined IQ of anyone who ever has and, indeed, ever will be in Hollyoaks, things are still going to happen and here are just a few of what we reckon those things will be:-
It is, once again, the future. And with the prospects of massive unemployment, hitherto unknown levels of cuts and belt tightening on the sort of scale that is likely to split the skinniest of celebs into two separate entities, a bit like a worm, 2011 is looking about as glittering as Jedward's awards cabinet. But even if things are looking as bright as the combined IQ of anyone who ever has and, indeed, ever will be in Hollyoaks, things are still going to happen and here are just a few of what we reckon those things will be:-
- Mollie, Una, Frankie, Rochelle and Vanessa's stylists to go on strike until they start getting paid time and a half, seeing as they're always having to work on Saturdays.
- Justin Bieber to finally hit puberty and has to awkwardly buy his first training bras in front of the watching paparazzi.
- Matt Cardle to release his debut album, more through hope than expectation. And contractual obligation.
- The release of Nicola Roberts' solo album will be a year zero in music, causing all right thinking people to destroy their entire music collections which have instantly become irrelevant. Although it will still only sell 549 copies.
- Lady Gaga to do something truly shocking. Such as turning up to an awards ceremony fully clothed.
- Wagner to be put down.
- Songs will only be released if there's a better than 50-50 chance that they'll be featured on an upcoming episode of Glee.
- Pete Best to rejoin Take That.
- JLS, worried about alienating their Catholic fans by launching their condom range, to lend their name to a range of uncertified back street abortion clinics.
- Jason deRulo continues to ruin pub quiz music rounds by saying his name at the start of every single track he releases.
- Willow Smith to be forced to choose between her burgeoning pop career and a lucrative paper round.
- Bruno Mars to change his name to something more suited to the music he makes; Beige McDull, perhaps, or Yawnsome Wasteofspace.
- The Wanted remain on the run.
- Katy Perry will continue to use every opportunity available to remind the world that she has breasts, regardless of the the fact that this is pretty much de rigeur for a female and so not as noteworthy as she seems to believe.
- Olly Murs fails to discover a point for his ongoing existence.
- Cheryl Cole to realise that, despite what the L'Oreal adverts say, she's been overvaluing herself to an almost comical degree and isn't even worth Tesco's own brand shampoo.
- Record deal negotiated with fake twitter version of pop star as they're cheaper than the real thing.
- Simon Cowell kills a man live on TV. Just because he can.
- Music once again fails to be killed by whatever the dominant form of piracy happens to be this year.
- Taylor Swift to spend so long gazing at her own navel that she falls in and gets trapped there and is unable to be extricated. Despite the muffled tone this lends to her voice, it allows her to focus fully on the things that matter to her and her album sells in huge numbers to her legions of similarly self obsessed fans.
- The promised relaunch of Talent in a Previous Life either doesn't happen, or if it does, proves ultimately to be a disappointment. And besides, isn't it all about podcasts these days?
