Friday, January 07, 2011
Dude Looks Like a Lady
Jessie J has won the BBC's Sound of 2011 poll, in as much as you can "win" any award that has previously gone to Ellie Goulding, Corinne Bailey Rae and The Bravery. And it's good to see the Beeb sticking their necks out and picking the sort of obscure artist who's been all over the radio like a surprisingly enjoyable rash, has already had a top 40 hit and who's been earning a crust writing for such struggling and unknown acts as Miley Cyrus. Still, it's hard to argue with their choice - even if we're having a damned good go at it - as Do It Like A Dude is all kinds of rumbly sass pop aceness, and we're fortunate here at Talent in a Previous Life as Jessie has kindly taken time out if her busy schedule to put together a guide for any lady who wants to know how she can convince people that she is of the male persuasion, so join us as we proudly present Jessie J's Guide to Doing It Like a Dude. Enjoy.
Wotcha, geezer! I'm Jessie J, although you could be forgiven for thinking I was actually James J, so convincing is my crotch grabbing, low hat wearing manly persona. I know a lot of ladies out there would like to do it like a dude too, maybe you're thinking about beginning a lucrative career as a drag king, or perhaps you just want to get paid the same as a male colleague doing the same job, what with it being the 21st century and all that. No matter what your reasons are, whether they're kinky or simply an elaborate, unconvincing cover story to cover up the kinkiness of your ambitions, I'm here to help, so here are a few tips and tricks that will make you as convincing a representation of masculinity as Finn from Glee. Which reminds me...:-
Wotcha, geezer! I'm Jessie J, although you could be forgiven for thinking I was actually James J, so convincing is my crotch grabbing, low hat wearing manly persona. I know a lot of ladies out there would like to do it like a dude too, maybe you're thinking about beginning a lucrative career as a drag king, or perhaps you just want to get paid the same as a male colleague doing the same job, what with it being the 21st century and all that. No matter what your reasons are, whether they're kinky or simply an elaborate, unconvincing cover story to cover up the kinkiness of your ambitions, I'm here to help, so here are a few tips and tricks that will make you as convincing a representation of masculinity as Finn from Glee. Which reminds me...:-
- Don't watch Glee. Seriously. You might as well dress entirely in pink and change your name to Barbie.
- Remember and use the correct toilet when out in public. The one with a picture of a stick figure wearing a skirt is only to be used by women and Scotsmen.
- Stop menstruating. Buying tampons really gives the game away.
- Dress only in typical male clothes. Do not look to David Beckham for inspiration in this area.
- Pretend to care about sport. This may seem like a daunting task at first, but work up to it pretending to care about dust, the continuing career of Vernon Kay and other things that don't matter before trying to take an interest in the overwhelmingly pointless pastime of football.
- There is no such thing as having had too much to drink. Vomiting, whether in the gutter or all down yourself, should not be seen as a sign stop, but a sign that you now have space in your stomach that urgently needs to be filled with more alcohol.
- If anyone asks, you no longer have boobs, you have moobs. If you think yours may be too large to get away with this excuse, make sure you're always carrying a sausage roll and a pie in each hand, so as to allay suspicion.
- Change your subscription from Heat to Nuts. Both magazines feature a similar amount of women in various states of undress, although Nuts tends to treat its subjects with a little more respect and humanity than Heat.
- No perfume. Men should smell of hard work and testosterone. Washing your t-shirts in egg is a good way to achieve this effect.
- To achieve the illusion of having facial hair, eat black candy floss for breakfast every day.
- No heels. If you're short, make up for it by getting needlessly aggressive over the most minor of things.
- No bags. If it doesn't fit in your pocket, you don't need to take it with you on a night out. A spare pair of shoes is not an essential item.
- You'll find that being able to get ready quicker leaves you with more spare time. Don't be tempted to use this for anything productive, not while there are still Xbox games to be played.
- Unless you're prepared to come up with an elaborate funnel system, don't try and pee standing up. Some things are best left to the dudes.
