Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Friday, January 14, 2011

Brits The Best They Can Do 

Of course, one of the downsides about restarting this site is that we feel obliged to cover the celebration of mediocrity that is the Brit Awards. But, after his disastrous attempt at co-hosting it a couple of years ago, at least we won't have to sit through James Corden running through his limited repertoire of comedy stylings - which consist entirely of laughing at his own "jokes", hugging people, and pointing out that he's a bit chubby - so that's something and... what?... seriously?... he's doing it again?!... that's already a better joke than anything he's going to come up with... Anyway! The nominees were announced last night, and they're the usual mix of a) acts who had one big hit at the end of last year so are fresh in the judges minds, b) acts who released their albums at the tail end of 2009 and who the panel, with their fingers on the cutting edge of music, have only just heard of, c) American stars who might actually make the ceremony worth watching and d) Paul Weller. Let's have a look at who are going to be putting on their sparkly frocks and practicing their best "I wanted them to win anyway" face next month:-

British Male Solo Artist

There's a school of thought that suggests that men are becoming increasingly irrelevant to modern society and, that once genetics reaches a point where it's possible to artificially create sperm, they will become an evolutionary curiosity and nothing more. This shortlist does little to disprove this theory.

British Female Solo Artist

Although the above doesn't exactly make the prospect of an all female future seem particularly enticing either. Ellie Goulding is only there because they gave her the Critics Choice award last year and so have to pretend that they were right to do so, while Cheryl Cole is there because she knows people who can arrange for other people to disappear. They're called magicians, mind, but don't spoil it for her. We hope Paloma Faith gets it. Not because she's any good, but because if they give her some sort of prize she might stop re-releasing New York every couple of months in the vain hope that people might not notice it's a crock of irredeemable shit this time around.

British Breakthrough Act

The Brits organisers really need to send their dictionary back to the shop and get a more up to date version of it, as whatever their definition of "Breakthrough" is, it's wrong.

British Group

And don't Take That look incongruous in that list? They will win it, of course, not because they are the best, but because their presence will garner slightly more coverage than the hairy one from Biffy Clyro. Well, the hairier one.

British Single

Florence, of course, did a version of You've Got The Love with Dizzee Rascal at last year's Brit Awards, so this shows how exciting and bleeding edge this list is. We presume it's still based on the best selling singles of the last year so, frankly, you only have yourselves to blame.

British Album of the Year

Albums really are a dying format, aren't they?

International Male Solo Artist

Someone, somewhere is currently trying to explain to a confused Bruce Springsteen what a Brit Award is and exactly why he's considered to be eligible for one.

International Female Solo Artist

The Brits organisers are obliged to include Kylie Minogue in the International Female shortlist every year due to an obscure piece of legislation passed in the dying days of the John Major government as "a bit of a laugh".

International Breakthrough Act

The Glee Cast? Seriously?! Glee is ace and all that, but the only awards they should be up for are either any television related ones or, failing that, services to autotune.

International Group

The only way The Script should be included here would be if it really was nothing more than a list of international groups without any regard to merit. And even then you'd be forgiven for failing to include them.

International Album

So the MTV VMAs aren't the only awards ceremony to unthinkingly give nominations to Eminem, regardless of the quality of hi actual product. Although the Brits are the only awards ceremony to do the same to Kings of Leon.

British Producer

Because even big award ceremonies need to provide a suitable toilet break for the punters.