Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

10 Things We State About... 

Miniature popstar Avril Lavigne has a new single coming out soon. It's called What The Hell, because Avril is young and rebellious and so full of attitude that she might as well be a WH Smith's opposite a gay bar. And because she's not allowed to use the word "fuck". Despite loving Avril in a way that makes Romeo and Juliet seem like a tale of mild infatuation, we're officially "unsure" about it, but we reckon it's probably s grower and at least it's miles better than the song she did for the Alice in Wonderland soundtrack. Although as the sound of a million kittens yowling in agony would have sounded better, that's not really saying much. Still, to celebrate her return, here are 10 entirely true and in no way made up facts about the entirely true and in no way made up concept of hell:-
  1. Sarte once claimed that "Hell is other people". Amazingly, he said this 60 years before the existence of Take Me Out.
  2. Hell is popularly depicted as being a land filled with fire, and there are few horrifying ways of spending the afterlife than being forced to listen to that godawful Kasabian song for all eternity.
  3. Many metal bands are heavily influenced by traditional imagery of hell, although the cover art is rarely as disturbing as either the music within, or the sight of the t-shirt stretched to bursting point over the metal fan's more than ample gut.
  4. Also, the fondness of metal bands to pledge their allegiance to Satan happily disproved the theory that the devil has all the best tunes.
  5. Many people think that the soundtrack to hell is Chris Moyles' Breakfast Show on a constant loop. They're wrong, even the devil isn't that cruel.
  6. If you're of the female persuasion, its unlikely you'll go to hell as, famously, while good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. Bad boys, on the other hand, is a disappointing action film starring Will Smith and Martin Lawrence.
  7. Hell is where you go if you're bad, though not in the Michael Jackson sense. Mind you, Michael Jackson eould clearly have gone to hell regardless.
  8. Neil Hannon named his band after Dante's Divine Comedy, a satire that described who would be held in each circle of hell and the punishments that would be meted out to them. The lyrics for National Express were taken directly from the appendix.
  9. AC/DC were keen to let the world know they were on the highway to hell. Dressing up as a school boy when you're a fully grown adult does tend to out you in the fast lane to eternal damnation. Especially if you try and enrol in your local secondary.
  10. The tendency of an iPhone to correct "hell" to "he'll" is a right bugger when you're trying to write something like this.