Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

10 Things We State About... 

Rihanna has, according to the charts people, just achieved some sort of unique and historical feat by having had 5 number ones on consecutive years in months that end in R whilst possessing breasts, or something similarly convoluted. It's the sort of pointlessness that has been publicised only to desperately remind people that the charts still exist and in some way matter and as achievements go, even the biggest Xbox gamer points whore would probably not consider it worth the effort. Still, with nothing better to wrote about it's the hook we're hanging this feature on, so here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about the ruby haired reveller:-
  1. Despite her young age, tragically Rihanna suffers from Alzheimer's. She bravely documented her struggle with the disease in her recent hit What's My Name?
  2. Sales of umbrellas rocketed when her song of the same name was a hit. As did the popularity of the name "Ella". And the choice of hay for a horse's dinner.
  3. Rihanna plans to one day create a nightmarish half marsupial, half human crossbreed. Her disturbing desire to create this freak of nature and abomination is chronicled in her hit Roo-boy.
  4. Being the only girl in the world is unlikely to resemble that envisioned by Rihanna, but would be more akin to that of the "gang bang" genre of porn films.
  5. Rihanna is sometimes known as "Ri-Ri", as in "Has she Ri-Ri done that to her hair?"
  6. Before becoming a pop superstar, Rihanna worked as a sleep specialist and it was there that she met Eminem after he sought help for his insomnia. After much investigation, she realised that the problem was his awkward position as he stretched out on the mattress. She offered him a number of tips to correct this and now, while at first she was shocked by it, she loves the way he lies. She has never written a song about this.
  7. She was the star of the 2009 low budget zombie movie, Rihanna-mation.
  8. As made clear in her 2007 album, Rihanna is the archetypal Good Girl Gone Bad. Which is why you should always follow the storage instructions for pop stars carefully, or freeze them on the day of purchase.
  9. Before playing SOS, radio stations have to phone up the local emergency services to advise them that this is not an actual distress call and that they don't need to come to their aid. Failure to adhere to this law results in a stern telling off and being forced to play a Michael Buble record.
  10. When we next check our emails, we will probably seriously regret having the words "gang bang", "porn" and "Rihanna" in the same sentence.