Talent in a Previous Life

Because It's Never Just About the Music

Sunday, October 14, 2007

All the Zeroes 

X Factor was supposed to go ‘live’ last night, but apparently the unappealing antics of a bunch of thick necked is considered to be more important. Although it is, admittedly, quite hard to think of many occasions where the X Factor would be given priority. Anyway, once it does go live, we’ll once again be bringing you our weekly look at each show’s events, although we may be somewhat hindered this year as, despite having watched all the audition and boot camp shows, we have only the vaguest idea who this year’s finalists actually are, which is a testament either to the dullards who’ve they’ve got lined up this year or the poor state of our concentration skills. Still, it’s not like our ignorance on a subject has ever stopped as having an opinion on it in the past. Indeed, it’s practically de rigueur.

Anyway, as we prepare for what will undoubtedly once again be the year’s biggest demonstration of how charisma free the nation likes its popstars to be, we’d like to give you our X Factor Bingo Card of Inevitability. Simply print off and, as the weeks go by, score off the events listed below as and when they happen and, once you get either four corners, a line or a full house, feel free to throw it away. We don't particularly care.

Sharon attempts to flirt with a male contestant in a rather uncomfortable, vomit inducing way.Contestant declares that they “Really want it”, unaware that that reasoning didn’t wash with Santa when they were a kid and it certainly won’t wash nowLouis likens a black performer to be like a “Young Diana Ross”, regardless of who they are, how they sound or, indeed, what gender they are.Audience boo and cheer on cue like a pack of Pavlovian dogsFamily members of contestant are in the audience wearing cheaply printed t-shirts declaring them to be part of Team Whoever as if dignity is nothing more than a passing concern for them.
Louis attempts to flirt with a female contestant in a rather unconvincing waySomeone spontaneously decides to do a Westlife song that just so happens to be released on the Monday after the show’s broadcastContestant gets chided for not stepping out of their comfort zone and playing it safeSimon Cowell forgets where he is and calls a contestant a cuntA special guest mentor is declared as a legend for no better reason than they’ve got a greatest hits coming out
Dannii Minogue sits there, looking like a spare wheelContestant mimes picking up the phone and sending a text message, unaware that in sign language they’ve just questioned the virtue of the viewing public’s mothers.Contestant gets chided for stepping out of their comfort zone and cocking it upThe judges entirely spontaneously decide to throw water over each otherContestant starts crying when Simon Cowell throws them a vague crumb of approval
’Tension‘ is assumed to be the same thing as ‘Pausing‘The studio audience reach such an unbelievable fever pitch of excitement at the events unfolding that they’ve clearly been starved of any sort of entertainment since the age of 2 to get so much out of some vaguely competent singing.No-one mentions Steve Brookstein. Or Kate.Louis will labour under the delusion that people will vote for anyone, no matter how awful they might be, simply because they come from their local areaThe X Factor tour will be heavily promoted early on in the series, long before the audience gets a chance to realise just how poor a night out that would be.
Louis and Simon bicker tediously in a manner only one step removed from saying “I know you are, but what am I?”Any contestant with a child/death sob story/child death sob story will wheel it out at every opportunity in a cynical bid to manipulate the emotions of the audience.Losing contestant declares that we haven’t seen the last of them, safe in the knowledge that there’s at least one week’s worth of appearances on the Xtra Factor and This Morning lined up before we get to see the last of them.Choirs are used by Simon like an emotional Mr Muscle, reaching the parts that the contestant themselves can’t reach.Slowly but surely, the viewing audience lose the will to live and commit suicide by swallowing the remote control and suffocating

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