Thursday, March 01, 2007
After our less than impressive performance at last year's Eurovision Song Contest, the powers that be have decided that it's time for a change. Having picked two fantastically ace songs in the shape of Javine's Touch My Fire and Daz Sampson's massively underrated Teenage Life for the previous two years, it's clear that having good tunes just isn't going to cut it, which is why the BBC have clearly decided that to go entirely in the opposite direction and produce a shortlist of acts which makes the line up for the Brits look halfway appealing. They are:
- Justin Hawkins and Beverlie Brown. As always, never trust anyone who can't spell their own name correctly. Anyway, this is Justin from high pitched irritants The Darkness who, despite having been through rehab, a process which is designed to make you confront unpleasant truths about yourself, is still labouring under the delusion that what the British public really want is more of him squealing away like a pig in a bacon slicer. We're happy to pay for a bacon slicer if he really wants to prove that point. He's presumably been selected as he's the pop star who most resembles one of last year's winners Lordi's trolls.
- Liz McLarnon. Liz clearly has a remarkable sense of self belief as it must take a certain kind of mental block to look at the complete disinterest that the public showed in your attempt at launching a solo career and decide that "Yes! I'm so important that the whole of Europe must discover what I have to offer". Having said that, Liz might do quite well out of the whole thing. She was in Atomic Kitten, after all, so she's no stranger to undeserved success.
- Big Brovaz. Who started off well with their debut single before promptly being washed down the plughole of pointlessness with a series of insipid and embarrassing tunes, the nadir of which was probably Favourite Things, which managed the impressive task of making you see the original song in a comparatively favourable light. It's probably worth pointing out here that hip hop never does well in Eurovision, although to be fair, putting Big Brovaz in that particular genre is pushing it somewhat.
- Scooch. The Happy Shopper Steps are back! Except by all accounts - well, Popjustice's at any rate - their song's a bit crap. Oh well. The last time Scooch had anything to do with the media, it was Russ appearing on E4's awful Boys Will be Girls, in which he demonstrated how much of a fame hungry whore he was by agreeing to be the least convincing transvestite since Jenny Frost stepped on the scene as a member of a girl band for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
- Brian Harvey. Brian was last seen definitely not trying to kill himself in a number of inventive ways. We dread to think what failure on this sort of stage will do to his in no way precarious mental state.
- Cyndi. Our final entrant and the only one who hasn't conclusively failed at this pop lark in the past. Given the rest of the sorry bunch who are wanting to represent us, we can only hope that she injects a bit of youthful spirit, energy, excitement and invigoration. Otherwise we're all screwed and might as well save a few quid on flights and simply not bother showing up at all.